Job Loss – PTSD – Brain Injury

Sharing today from the present.  Losing my jobs was very difficult for me.  I believed they provided me stability, definition and purpose.  I had a place to go every day in a structured environment.  My soul cried for freedom; my head for consistency and structure.  The head ruled for so long.

It now has been about 4 months since I lost the last job.  It has been an interesting journey.  Without really paying attention, I managed to get caught up in several different Facebook games with different people.  It was a way for me to disconnect from my reality. I played a lot.  Lately, I was becoming more and more frustrated with it.  I felt compelled to play to ensure I didn’t “let down” my fellow teammates.  I found myself playing less and less.

Last Thursday I had an appointment with my therapist.  I shared with her my frustrations at not being able to focus, problem solve, pay attention or create.  I told her about the computer games.  I learned something new that day or it just connected with me, and want to share it.

I learned that PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is not only psychological, but also affects the brain physically and that repeated trauma/stress creates more and more damage.  As many of you know I experienced sexual, physical and emotional abuse for most of my growing up years by my parents and family and others.  I’ve been raped by others, married a man who physically abused me and had a psychologist sexualized the relationship in my mid 20’s.  I shut down then shutting out everyone besides work.

Work became a way of disconnecting from my world.  It seemed the one thing I could do where I felt I failed at so much in my life.  It was the only thing I felt successful at and I could feel good doing.  It didn’t matter if I were an admin or the vice president of a company.  I was a workaholic.  The longer the days, the harder the work, the happier I was.  Oh yes, I would bitch about it periodically but inside it was rewarding.  It gave me positive feedback, attention and I felt valued and wanted.  I had human contact without the risk of intimacy.

In 2003, my foot was crushed in a freak accident as I walked into a meeting and had about a 100 pound frame crash on it.  That was very difficult to endure through physical healing that took about 1.5 years to get back to work.  I was pretty much depressed the whole time and yet not willing to totally comprehend why that would be.  I had just bought a brand new house and I had to give it up.  I moved back into a home that I was robbed back in 2001.

The ability to work was diminished somewhat and a lot of the psychological symptoms were coming to the surface.  I was fighting them down hard.  Yet the fears were there.  I had a job that required I travel and I became fearful of driving.  I could barely breathe.  I changed jobs.  I never told anyone the truth really, I just kept making up excuses which was to my detriment – I see that now.

These last three jobs were the toughest for me to handle for various reasons.  The work was fun but the owners were not so much and that was a major stresses. The first of the three was authority figures that triggered the past a lot.  The new president put a lot of energy putting me down and eventually let me go primarily because he didn’t like me much and the feeling was mutual.  He truly took a lot out of me.  I should have left when it started, but true to an abused woman’s form, I stayed blaming myself and knowing if I healed and tried hard enough, he would change.  The only one it changed is me.

The second of the 3 jobs, I had a very difficult time focusing, creating and solving problems.  I knew something was wrong with me but I couldn’t let anyone know.  By this time I am back in therapy and started EMDR to heal the PTSD.  It ended by his accusing me of things that just weren’t true and withheld from me my due.  That broke me.  That is when my therapist said I could no longer work.

I didn’t believe her.  I looked for jobs.  Interviewed for jobs and nothing would come up.  I couldn’t give up.  I had to be stronger than anything anyone ever did to me.  I was offered the third job which lasted 4 months.  It was an entry-level job that I should have been able to handle.  As part of my journey, I had to experience it one last time.

Which brings me to today.  I understand brain injury and I understand that it can be changed through behavioral and EMDR assistance.  Over the weekend I notified all the folks I play games with that I was done with it.  I deleted all games off everything.  My therapist suggested meditating every so often during the day to calm the brain.  She also recommended that I download brain games like Lumosity or Fit Brain which are structured to help reorganize new pathways in the brain.  I also need to connect with people rather than isolating in my room.  A dear friend has encouraged me through accountability and I am doing it.  So, that is what I am doing.

Now I am left with very little to do with a brain that is unable to focus and create.  It is time once and for all to heal me completely.  As I am able, I create healthy ways of dealing with time.  I am hoping soon to be back and creating better than I ever have.  I know it takes time.  I understand brain injury.  I can do this.  I have the tools necessary, the desire of my heart and a persistent will.  I also am very fatigued.  The physical symptoms, besides the brain, wears on me.

My therapist said it is important to begin connecting with folks outside of work and learning to live healthfully.  That is hard for me because as I share the truth of my experience, I find a few who have shut the door to me – people I had connected with at work.  Perhaps I let them down, because I presented an illusion of who I was to them rather than the truth of me.  Perhaps having the illusion shatter was more than they could deal with right now especially since I was so much a part of their support system.  Another friend has been very faithful in his walk with me but even now it is different.  I know it is hard for him to see me and my capabilities, doing nothing in his eyes.  That hurts and yet I won’t carry it.  My focus has to be on my healing now that I know about healing the brain. I’ve come so far on my journey of healing.  I thought it was done.  There always seems to be many layers to get through to find the core of who I am and then find the courage and stamina to allow that to be present.  It takes so much courage.

It is very difficult for me to share the truth of an experience because I’ve lived a life pretending to be perfect and all is well.  I thrived at being an independent, strong and self-sufficient woman who needing nothing or nobody.

I found that true health means interdependency.  I am learning the dependent side of that right now.  It is very challenging at times.  I am understanding that receiving is giving as giving is receiving.  So I share with all of you knowing I am not perfect and you are seeing the truth of my experience.

Thank you for taking the time to read this

Posted in disabled, EMDR, Emotional Abuse, Job Loss, Physical Abuse, PTSD, Sexual Abuse | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Job Loss – Moving out of the Box

new begginr-JPG-28Being ill and dealing with government people has taken my focus from sharing my journey.  After waking up to a tornado warning this morning, I am now settling in for the day and have a few moments to share.  Thank you all for sharing my journey with me.  Blessings to you.

July 3 2014

All my life people have been trying to put me in a box that didn’t fit me, and all my life I’ve allowed that to happen believing it was normal. I felt it was my fault and I was wrong if I didn’t fit in the box. I tried as hard as I could to become the box. All my life I pretty much haven’t been happy for a number of reasons, the abuse being a huge part of it, but living inside a box defined by every one else: Parents, siblings, husband, lovers, therapists, friends. I accepted it and decided that my discomfort with it was my responsibility because I WASN’T GOOD ENOUGH. Today I realize that I don’t fit in the box because that box is not mine to fit in. This last job really spoke about that. I felt I was a misfit. I tried to stay in the box and it took hard stuff to get me out of there. As difficult as unemployment is, there has been a sense of relief to be away from those places. They were both abusive but it was deeper than that. The greatest abuse was trying to fit in the boxes they wanted me in. The way I was treated by the second job loss broke me. Lots of little pieces shattered and it took a long time to grow thru that. I wasn’t broken at the other job. Didn’t much like what was going on but I was okay with being in a job that wasn’t me. I had income. Whew. I could survive on my own. Yes. I even had time to begin creating for myself. Yeah!!! Then everything came to a halt – once again without a job. I couldn’t enjoy the relief and release because I was so worried about making my own income. There were tears of anger and regrets. I was mad at myself but for what. Last one in, first to go. I would think to myself if only I had been perfect, they would have found another solution. I realize today I am perfect just as I am and if I am not a fit for somebody, for some organization then that is his or her loss. I am perfectly me. No not really. I am getting to be perfectly me and really that doesn’t fit into a box. I was born to live outside the box and all my life they’ve tried to put me in a box and I stayed there. Safety meant fitting in the box even though the box wasn’t a fit for me. I put myself thru all kinds of contortions to fit in the mother-fucking box. Now — what now. No income. No box. Maybe it is okay that I never could color in the lines. Maybe it is okay that I played the piano according to how I intuited the music rather than the notes. Maybe it is okay that I don’t like to see animals locked in cages for our so-called “entertainment”. Maybe it is okay that I accept my dog even when he is expressing himself. Maybe because I don’t want him in a box. Maybe I identify with that. I didn’t want my daughter in a box. I’ve conformed all my life. If I were younger I would hit the road and just travel everywhere. I am not. I am in the box of being nearly 61 years old. People say it is the new 40. Seriously!!! What a crap of rationalization against aging! At age 40 I was working 12 hours a day. I became a grandparent. I hiked in the redwoods and the beach. I can’t do that today. Some can I am sure, but I can’t. The 60’s on one hand have not been good to me and yet on the other hand they’ve set me free. How can you be set free when you don’t have the ability to be free? I expect I will find a new type of freedom. So what do I do if I don’t want to live in a box created by someone else? I create my own box. But what is it. I go in thousands of directions at one time as I imagine wonderful and beautiful things. The fear box has got to go. When we are ourselves then we can be truly happy. Happiness is not found being in a box defined by someone else that doesn’t fit us. I tried so hard all my life. This is the time I rebuild my life. I take it and I experience is and I expand it. I want to rebuild it different this time. I want the foundation to be me. So over the next month I will answer these questions.

  1. I am an expert in:
  1. How are people better off because of what I can bring to them?
  1. What is the value I bring?
  1. Who do I bring value to?

I am ready for a new life – a new beginning – a new opportunity. It seems I am going roundabout in getting there. I will be damned if I let this be the last word in my life.

Posted in EMDR, Emotional Abuse, Job Loss, Loving Self, Physical Abuse, PTSD, Second Chance, Sexual Abuse, Transformation | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Job Loss – Faith and Trust

prison quotescover-JPG-66It has been a while since I shared the early journey of my sexual abuse.  It is interrupted due to yet another job loss.  For me, it ties all together.  I believe we get what we need (not necessarily what we want) to heal and move forward on our journey.  We have a choice to stay in despair and victimhood or we heal through it.  It is a tough choice especially for those who have been hurt so bad.  Despair and victimhood sometimes are familiar friends even if we don’t seek it.  Change happens when we are willing to transform the experiences.

Just before this last job loss, my process in my healing was focusing on faith and trust and not taking responsibility for other people’s feelings or thoughts about me.  I was growing in self-confidence and manifesting.  I really felt everything was on the right course and then bam!!! The bottom is removed once again.  It was giving me the experience of finding my own internal balance and stability.  I used external sources as my self-definition and my stability.  I had faith and trust in them.  So you ask – you lost three jobs and you have faith and trust in a job??  Yes.  You see, I held a belief that it was all my fault and I was to blame.  If I were enough, then it wouldn’t happen.  This was the programming of my early years and which apparently I still carried.

When everything is taken from you, all you have left is yourself and God and close friends who choose to stand with you on the journey.  I had two drop off.  I love them and I understand.  I have 3 steadfast friends who don’t try to fix it but are there as support and encouragement and other assistance as needed.   The internal work is up to me.

I had been released from “prison” three times and two of those time I chose to return to “prison” because it was all too familiar.  Working for abusive authority people, was not unlike living in an abusive family.  Prison doesn’t have to be cement walls and bars – it can be anything that keeps us from living fully in our life – the programs that dictate our beliefs and actions.  This time I am aware of my choices.  I was wobbly to say the least.  My soul was pushing me to my highest good.

I was shaken.  I cried.  I was afraid.  One morning, July 2, 2014, I woke up and was feeling more encouraged and not by any external changes but by changes inside of me.  Below I share some of that day from my journal.

July 2, 2014

I woke up this morning with a smile on my face and optimism in my heart. Not sure why but I accept that it is here with me. I slept long last night. 9 hours. Dreams.  Seems to be a break from the PTSD experience.

Been a very interesting day. Been watching the National Speakers Association conference all morning and feel very motivated – more than I have been in a very long time. The pearls have come to me and helping me to redefine my life and my experience taking the hard and moving forward. It has been awesome.  It has really helped me to look at myself in a different way and take what is happening in my life and turn it around for good. That has been the unspoken question. What good is there in this? I think I am beginning to grasp that it is the foundation for my faith. The experiences are my education and gives credibility to what I do. So very motivated. I don’t listen to motivational speeches as I used to. They are so canned so often but these today resonated with me in a very new way – a way I was ready to hear.

It is interesting because I set up a to do sheet for me last night for today so I can see myself making progress. It was quite helpful. I sat down to finish my certification and the reminder popped up and I made a choice to listen thinking I would listen a couple of minutes and likely hear what I always hear.   I was surprised and therefore my to do is out the window having accomplished only ½ of it. Oh well since being on this healing journey, my obsession to be rule oriented is gone. I have something new to add to the to do and that is to redefine my experience and position for foundation of creativity. I am so tired. That happens a lot when new stream of information comes thru to me

God: How are you feeling with everything?

Me: Today okay. I made a decision yesterday. I am moving forward. I am looking at everything with faith and that is good. Trust is something I am setting aside right now as it is very loaded for me. Trust has been so huge and if that trust is betrayed it has a tremendous effect on me. I was thinking about it this morning and realized I need to remove the trust element from my life right now. I don’t trust anyone or anything. I am okay with that. I realize that when a person behaves distrustfully or lies that it isn’t my responsibility. It is their’s. They are the ones giving themselves a deceitful experience. I don’t have to participate in that so trust really isn’t as important as I make it out to be. I don’t think. I haven’t decided yet actually. I have faith. If I trust no one, does that mean anything bad or specific? Perhaps it removes the energy of it. So right now, until it makes sense again, trust is no longer something I seek. I have faith and have no issues with faith. I can’t trust right now. I have faith and I believe it can be different. Perhaps I am not sure what to trust in. So faith and belief are concepts I can get my arms around. I have faith in God – the divine that all things are for our highest good. It isn’t people or things or jobs to have faith in or to trust. None of that is trustworthy. Source, God, the divine is what I have faith in.  The best I can do is bring myself forward and be me.

God: If you don’t trust, you can’t be betrayed or victimized.

Me: That is true. So it seems that I need to set it aside for now until I can let the energy change around it. I think that is a healthy way of moving forward. Once I redefine the trust experience, perhaps I will include it or find that it really isn’t important. I believe that my being a trustworthy person is very important and a character trait I choose to continue with yet with a different definition. I don’t know what that is. So I need to heal this within me from both perspectives. Lies we tell others and lies we tell ourselves really hurt the core of who we are. The question is how would our soul/our core self/our higher self deal in the same situation? I sincerely doubt it.  I look forward to learning to live in faith – in balance – with stability.  Thank you God.

Posted in disabled, EMDR, Emotional Abuse, Job Loss, Loving Self, Physical Abuse, Prison, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Transformation | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Job Loss – Choices and Resolution

decision-JPG-42Losing a job is tough for people.  At a time where decisions have to be made and you had to be able to sell yourself, you feel at the bottom.  For many self-esteem and self-confidence have been challenged.  I was sending resumes out right and left, making phone calls and no one responding.   I could no longer wait to make the decision about my life as I had no income and didn’t expect any and I had a responsibility to others and to myself to move forward.  I considered living in my car, selling everything and camping on the beach in California, moving in with friends in various states, or moving in with my daughter and her family.  Following is the journal excerpt from a couple of days.

June 30, 2014

Monday. 2 weeks ago today I was let go. There are many times that I still see his face and hear his words “Mary, I have to let you go.” Sends shivers down me. The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach wishing it was just another fucking nightmare. It isn’t that I was attached to the job. I was attached to the income that allowed me to live on my own. I couldn’t do it on less. I found an email today from April 28, 2014 that I sent to Chuck about my concern about the company and whether my job was sustainable or not. I called my boss that night as well and he said it was secure and to trust him. Trust him. No. Trust in almost all areas is highly overrated. People say one thing and do another thing. People say they won’t lie anymore and then lie. So this trust thing is simply a word that is used to manipulate people to get you to do what they want or to have you believe something is true when it is not. Just a weird day I guess. Received lots of calls from people who just wanted to talk about their problems and challenges. How do I know what to do or say? I don’t. I just listen. Everyone has their beliefs around what they are experiencing so just let it me. I am looking at a tree in the distance and it seems like God sitting down with a young man placing his head on his shoulder and God is patting him on the back consoling him and loving him – odd how I see that in the tree. Today I feel out of sorts with myself. I feel like I am going crazy and I can’t even define what I mean when I say that. It is solely about me. I feel awkward. I feel wary of the journey. I feel so much like I don’t belong here at all. I feel I should just be dead. Why am I alive? What have I accomplished? I look at all the things I started and wonder why I bother. Have I made a difference? Has this life been lived? I don’t know the answers. I only know the questions. I am unclear God, why the open door to a job that would shut just 4 short months later. I am unclear god, why this house opened up for me to move into, when I have to leave it. I am unclear how I could feel the energy in this living room and know that I would see clients in here. I am unclear how I could move forward just enough in my personal stuff, just to have to stop once again. A lot of this doesn’t make sense to me God. I don’t know what to say or what to think. I feel like I am going through the motions of life. Applying for work. Sending out resumes. Eating at proper times. I started a jigsaw puzzle and even that I could not focus on. Other than housing, I need to pay for phone, car insurance and storage if I keep my furniture. I have to bring in enough to cover that. I am not moving to Massachusetts even though that sounds like it might have some fun and I would have a friend to visit with.   I am not moving to Texas.  I am paying July rent tomorrow and that will use up the rest of my money. I would like to believe a miracle will happen and I could stay here but I don’t know what miracle that would be. I don’t even know what to pray for. I would like to stay here. I would like to take care of myself financially. That doesn’t seem like a possibility. I know there are miracles and God I could sure use one about now. I feel fresh out of ways to do for myself. I don’t know what to do. I want to have faith that the answer that I can stay will come. Yet I have to give notice to my landlord that I am breaking the lease. I don’t know what to do god. Like I said I am going through the motions of existing. I don’t know God. I could use a miracle about now or at least open doors being a little more inviting. I just feel like the universe was teasing me with a job and this house and a new business. I accepted it and was joyful and grateful. If I am missing a lesson please let me know what that is. I am not sure anymore. I need stability and perhaps I can no longer provide that for myself. I want to expect great things happening and yet it doesn’t seem that way. Yes I know that everything happens for my highest good. I know. It just is awfully hard to see that God. No I am not flat-out on the ground. I won’t be this year. I have moments that I just cry because I am in limbo. Do I pack or do I believe a miracle will come and I can stay? Do I sell everything I have and just have suitcases with clothes that just makes it easier to relocate. No belongings. No issues. Just pick up and go. I know what will happen will happen.

July 1, 2014

Well it is Tuesday and July 1. So talked with my daughter this morning. Did pretty good not crying until I said I wanted to sell everything and I got choked up and said I don’t want to have to pack up and move everything all the time. If I just have a couple suitcases then I can go anywhere and not need help with moving. I said you have no idea how hard this is for me.

God: How are you feeling?

Me: Resolved. There is no other choice that I can see at this moment. I’ve always been willing to hurt myself for money.  The physical pain is intense at times. That is dysfunctional thinking!!!! I am releasing it. If I were 40 years old, that would be okay because I still had good years in me. Now those good years have changed. If the universe opens up a different door and allows me to stay here, I am deeply grateful. I just don’t understand why all this came about to lose it again. I had plans here. Perhaps I am to be dependent on others for support. I just am not great at that. Maybe I am supposed to be. If I could turn these adversities into something positive that would be great.

God: Important to feel all the emotions and allow all the tears. Until you do that, there can be no acceptance.

Me: I actually accept it. I broke last year. This year I am not broken. I feel frustrated about this. Shit happens I know but this is a lot of work for what to go back and do the same thing AGAIN. Sheesh. So apparently there is something more for me to learn and I wish that would be pointed out so I can learn it and be done with this craziness!!!! I will do it with grace and thanksgiving serving the family. I am losing time for myself. I just got to figure it all out. I have 30 days left. I have never finished unpacking so packing shouldn’t be so bad. I love this house. I love its energy. Doesn’t make sense my leaving it and leaving the plans I made. But it isn’t to be yet. I am okay. Got what I need to survive which is more than what some people in the world get. Grateful for that. Just spoke with my friend in Massachusetts that I am not coming. I was somewhat sad to tell her as we had talked about big plans together. She understood that going to my daughter’s made sense because of the disability.  But this is right. I knew it without a doubt this morning, which is what I’ve been waiting for. I feel like I’ve taken a step forward in my life for me. I love my family and will care for them well. I will learn much from them I am sure. So God, I’ve taken a step forward. Closed the door with MA and TX and opened the door with my daughter. I have faith and trust that will lighten the path. No more indecision. I am still manifesting a miracle that allows me to stay here. I remember seeing a motivational speaker in my early 20’s. My father took my brother and me there. The one thing I remember about this guy that has stayed with me for the rest of my life are these words: “Any decision is better than indecision.” That clicked for me in a period of time where I couldn’t make a decision. Whenever I get to that place again, and I do, his words come back to me. Any decision is movement. Any decision if it isn’t right can be turned around. Indecision is immobility and nothing can happen. So this morning I knew what I needed to do and I ask for grace for all of us. I ask for time to get some work done so I can earn money for my expenses.

God: You have taken action steps for yourself. You made a choice that will help you get what you need to sustain yourself. You are learning to choose what is best for you without the emotion behind it. Choosing for you means looking at ultimately the best. You were able to wait and listen and make the right move for you. This time it is different because you are choosing you and not fighting to stay.

Posted in EMDR, Emotional Abuse, Job Loss, Physical Abuse, PTSD, Sexual Abuse | Tagged , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Job Loss – Day 5 – Victim – Part of the Process

God.quotescover-JPG-94I was looking forward to this day as I awaited for word on this consultant position with a company in California.  Over the weekend I did due diligence learning about the company and bringing together all the material I could send them so they had a sense of my work product.  I woke up that day excited and just knowing this would work.

Later in the afternoon I received a call stating they decided to hire a full-time employee for the position who was located in California.  For the position they were hiring, it made sense.  For me, it was another closed door.  How many closed doors were there?

I was despondent.  Truly moved on to the pity pot and felt victimized.  I went to the familiar place of shame and despair though I know everything happens for our highest good.  Sometimes in the midst of a trigger or an experience with compounding PTSD, it is hard to see you are there and it is hard to see hope.  Warning!!!  The following was my journaling that night.  I had choices to make and felt “sorry for myself” to have to make them.  I believe in being honest in sharing my story.  If I just went to the place where I am at today, I may leave people in silence who need to understand that our journeys are up and down and all around.  We are still okay regardless of the experience.

I need a break from life. I need to go somewhere and I can’t. Today is not a good day. Today is so emotional. Didn’t sleep well and the emotions are tough. PTSD I am certain.

The fear is so great today.

It is just hard to be in this position once again. There is so much fear floating around. I won’t talk to anyone. I’ve always done the responsible thing. I’ve always worked. Even when it was so hard, I worked. I always chose the right thing to do when it was work. I never got laid off. I was always top-notch. I had just gotten to the point of trusting that my job was going to last. Once I got on benefits, I thought it was good to go. Had I known differently, I could have been looking for work. I was preparing my own business and so excited that I could once again create. Now I feel caught up again. I really just wanted a chance and I was giving that to myself. I was so grateful for my job and didn’t manifest it going away. I didn’t manifest change. I was grateful it was there so I could have the energy and time to create my business and have money to support me. The PTSD symptoms are so strong today. I can’t seem to make them stop. I didn’t love my job. I liked having the income so I could love creating life. That is all I really wanted. The grief I feel is about not creating my business yet again. Again on hold. Again put to the side. Again. So evidently I am not supposed to do it. Should use the last of my money to buy camping equipment and drive to Cali and camp at the beach and stay there. I know I won’t do that. Just a thought to escape this reality.

God: You did manifest change when you chose to heal and not be defined by the abuse, the job, the criticism. You did manifest change when you could work and not be bothered with the treatment of you. You manifested changed when there was joy in you.

Me: Healing does bring about change. Right now I feel so far away from healing. I know things can’t help but change when there is healing. Relationships change. Jobs change. It isn’t that I loved being treated badly by my co-workers, I liked having an income that allowed me to live alone and help me develop my business.

My daughter called several times today. What are you going to do? What is your plan? Your dog will have to have a barking collar. My friend in Massachusetts called to see how I felt about moving in with her and her sister. My friend in Texas called to see how I felt living with them. Choices. Truly it is a loving expression from all of them and I am grateful. I have to decide quickly. I need to give a month’s notice to my landlord. I am not ready today to choose. What I want is a job to stay where I am that I don’t have to leave again. I want a job that sustains me so I can create wonderful things. I am not asking for a lot God. I am not asking for millions. I am not asking for the world. I am not asking for fancy cars and things or houses. I am only asking for sustenance to survive on my own. And if in the universe’s infinite wisdom that I am not to get that then I ask for clear direction on the next steps. If in your infinite wisdom, I am to once again lose everything, then I ask for the courage to endure it because this time. This time…. I only ask for enough to survive. More is fine but not required. I only ask for an open door that works for me that is perfect for me. I only ask for others to understand the depth of my experience and release judgment of me. I ask for acceptance so that I may have the courage to walk. I am yet once again alone. Silence is my companion. I haven’t asked for a lot in this lifetime God. I asked to give. I asked to be a minister to those hurting. I’ve chosen to be a follower of Spirit. I am on my knees seeking the path to follow. There are no perfect solutions yet. I want my best. Is this my best? Is this all I have at the moment? I accept it. There is no fighting it. It is as it is. I am full of grief and sadness and frustration. I have no answers and no direction. The physical energy is beyond exhausted. Why isn’t there clear direction? Am I missing it? Did I pass it up? What is wrong with me? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

God: There is nothing wrong with you. You are on a journey doing what so many do learning about surviving. You see how many like you are going thru some of the same challenges. It is a journey.

Me: Yes a journey. And it serves a purpose? Who do I help? What do I bring to the table? What do I have to offer? I thought I finally had the ability to do the surgery. I was this close. I believed it was really going to happen this time. Really did. I thought I was okay and I would be okay until it came time to retire. I was wrong. I ache inside for what I don’t know? Home? Eternal home? I ache inside. I hurt. I am angry. I don’t want to be angry. I want to be in faith and trust. I want to walk upright in faith. I fail at it.

God: Clearing. Not failure. Hard to experience faith with so many different emotions. You have a lot of faith. You are still here and still opening and still processing and still moving forward.

Me: Not sharing this internal conflict and disappointment and discouragement and embarrassment. What must people think of me? A failure? A no good person? I don’t tell people this time. Three strikes and you are out???? Damn. This is weird to me. How are you doing? Someone asks. What do you say? No one wants the truth. They want you to lie to them if you are not okay. They are uncomfortable. They don’t know what to say. “Chin up move forward. You will get a job.” – a confidence that eludes me right now. So tomorrow resumes go out again. I just couldn’t do it today. Today is just not such a great day.

Thankfully I didn’t stay there.  It was important for me to go there.  Sometimes we go to those places to learn about moving forward.  There comes a time that pain doesn’t have to be the motivator.  For this day it was.  I had no clue what to do.

Posted in EMDR, Emotional Abuse, Job Loss, Physical Abuse, PTSD, Sexual Abuse | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Job Loss Day 4 – Fear and Despair

jobloss4I was diligent sending out resumes to many corporations.  It is so much different today than 20 years ago.  Everything is done on line.  I felt fairly sure if I could get in front of somebody, I could sell myself.  I started creating my own death care business and wondered who would want me.  I heard that a company on the West Coast wanted me to send them a resume for a consultant position.  I quickly tailored the resume to the position and sent it off in an email.

Once the tangibles were taken care of, I was aware that my anxiety levels were high about almost everything.  Following is part of my journaling.  It is copied and pasted so there may be spelling and punctuation errors.

I don’t know what is going to happen. I still feel in a state of shock. Kind of in a daze. Sometimes tears. Lots of fatigue. I try and go to sleep and I hear “I have to let you go”. My stomach churns. I feel anxious and dazed. Kind of wandering. I manage to control emotions when talking with people. I don’t want anyone’s pity. I feel so relieved not to have to be in that environment anymore. I also feel really anxious sometimes about what is going to happen and what decisions I need to make and where to go. I am exhausted and really want to sleep. Hard to just rest when so much needs to be done. I don’t know what steps to take. My security is my fear and place of instability. Basic need. Security – the ability to survive physically has always been one of my fears. I need to have that stabilized so I can move forward. I am cautious and taking it one step, one day at a time. I just don’t know that I can go through this again. It is tough. I know it doesn’t matter what I think I want. I know I will get what I need and I don’t know what I need. Once again I feel my life on hold. When I talk with people I feel like I have to somehow show them that I am okay. Last year was tough on the people who care about me and I know they are worried that this will go the same way. Well I don’t know that it will or won’t. I do wish I had a tv to get lost into. That is the hard part. I have silence. Alone with my thoughts. Grateful for solitude. Watching some tv would be good. Now the anxiety again. I choose faith and trust that all this is happening for my highest good. It really is easier that way. I know I can’t control the future or the past. I only have this moment to move thru. I can do this. I know I can. I have zero intentions of fighting to stay in my own home this time. If there is no income, there can be no independent living. I don’t know that I can go thru this. I need to find a way to create my own income. First I have to survive. I am not talking about mentally. Maybe I should sell everything and just live in my car and then I don’t need anything and can’t lose anything. I know that comes from a place of trigger/ PTSD. Have nothing, nothing lost. I understand how people give up and do just that. Give up trying and hoping and living. It isn’t just about age, but all people. Sometimes you just give up. Right now I have a roof over my head, food in the house, my dog and I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. Now nerves set in my stomach.

My therapist said this is like the boat accident where I am feeling good and in a moment it is snatched from you. Blood. DeathI’ve never experienced basic security. Ever.

I always felt/feel I have to depend on me and that is all I can depend on. So when I am providing for me and it is “taken” it creates a lot of instability in me. I feel vulnerable and threatened and I go into defense mode. It is so primal for me and is always or was always a threat. As a young child I was threatened that we would lose everything and end up in the pour house if I told. It was always there. Basic security is tentative at most. .

I obsess about the “I have to let you go”. Fuck you.

I don’t know how I can do this again, God.

Posted in Emotional Abuse, Job Loss, Physical Abuse, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Transformation | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Job Loss – Day Three – Letting the Secret Out

job loss 3Day 3 came and that was the day I had to tell my daughter I had lost yet another job.  This wasn’t a fun day for me.   How would my daughter react?

I’ve worked so hard all my life to overcome the effects of being sexually, physically and emotionally abused.  Somehow my ability to work showed me I was stronger than anything anyone could do to me.  It proved to me I wasn’t crazy.  My parents always told me that I would never amount to anything.  I was nothing more than a failure.  Working help counter that programming.  So those words kept going through my head over and over.

“You will never amount to anything!!” my father shouted.  I could hear him as clear as I heard him so many years ago.  “You are nothing and always will be nothing!” it went on.  Because I lost 3 jobs in 2 years, I believed even more deeply in those words as I was focusing on the loss rather than all the successes.

Tears rolled down my cheeks.  I looked in the mirror and the reflection came back to me as an old woman.  All my life I had to prove I was okay and now I find I am not.  Yes, the ruler I was measuring myself against was all external.

Their words continued.  “There is nothing about you anyone can like.  You are fat and ugly and cold-hearted.”  I sat down on the edge of the toilet sobbing.  They were so right.

I reviewed in my head the past few years and found so many things that matched that experience.  I was exhausted.  Will the voices ever stop?

I pulled myself together and began the 60 minute trip to the doctor.  I was embarrassed at having to tell her what happened again.  I knew we had to move quickly on some items as the medical insurance would cease at the end of the month.  I made a joke about it trying to distance myself from the emotions and the potential pity.  I wanted no pity.  I really didn’t want to tell her.

The next stop was my daughter’s house and as lightly as I could I broke the news to her.  She was not surprised as she sensed it would happen.  My 16-year-old grandson took it the hardest.  He is so serious.  I lightened the mood.  He had become a lifeguard.  He wanted to know what I would do.  So, going to humor I said, “thought maybe I could get hired on as a lifeguard.”  Now I am joking but he takes me seriously.  I see concern clouding his eyes and I say “I will just get me a bikini and watch all those people swim.”  That got him laughing and the doom for him was lifted.

My therapist got me in for an appointment.  I was so relieved.  Someplace I could just be me.  She told me that PTSD from being fired had the same brain chemical action as being in a traumatic accident, rape, etc.  She suggested I meditate and just let it be for the moment.

The third person I told that day was a friend.  I haven’t heard from her since.  I am not sure why that is.  I miss her and I am sorry she made the choice. I don’t even understand it. That was just one.  I’ve had other friends jump in and offer me financial help and places to live.  Truly I was learning the gift of friendship. I was once again in the place of receiving when all my life was spent giving.

I could make no decisions that day.  I knew I needed to take time and allow this to sink in.  I loved where I was living.  It was such a sanctuary for me.  I wasn’t ready to let it go.  I needed time to get my arms around all of it.  Time.  It has only been 3 days and it feels as if it has been an eternity.

Posted in EMDR, Emotional Abuse, Job Loss, Physical Abuse, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Transformation | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment