Life is a Play

Life is a play and we are all the actors in the play.  Scenes replay as we need to have them replay in order for us to reach our highest place in life.    When we awaken and continue to awaken to the magnificence of who we are, the universe provides us the opportunity to clear blockages to that magnificence through experiences with our environment and with other people.  When we are aware of these opportunities to grow, then we can begin making new and different choices and create new and different experiences.  Everything that happens in our life is for our highest good.

That concept, at times, is difficult to accept.  I struggled with the longest time that on a spiritual level I asked for the experience in this lifetime to understand depth of suffering and the opposite of depth of healing and awakening.  I got what I asked for from a spiritual perspective.  I was sexually abused by my father, physically and emotionally by my mother and father.  I understood complete, absolute rejection and abandonment.  I experienced a divided self and separation from my soul.  I understood what it meant to truly be a victim in the physical dimension. 

For many years the sexual abuse and physical abuse replayed in my life.  I was raped, sexually abused by a psychotherapist and physically abused by my husband and other men.  That type of relationship with people was all I knew and I believed to be true for me all at the subconscious level.  My subconscious created the replay of the drama until it became conscious and I began to change my awareness and belief.  As I did that I no longer attracted sexual assault or physical assault.  I released a lot of the fear and was able to go out in public without the fear of an assault.  I’ve enjoyed that for many years and still do knowing that I no longer will have those experiences because I have changed my thoughts and my belief.

I’ve been working the past years on issues around emotional abuse, rejection, abandonment, self-value, self-worth and attracting what I want in life.  This has involved a deep change of beliefs and programs created by my early year’s experience.  I tell you they are deep seeded.  I’ve come so far and yet still the play is re-created.  I work in an environment in a new business which I created the operations, processes, procedures and the business is incredibly successful now grown from two of us to about 20 of us in 2 years and growing mightily.  I am great at creating and developing.   I was asked to create the operational part of the business by the person who was aware of my skill set. 

I love creating and developing new businesses, new projects, etc.  I was excited about the opportunity presented to me.  Soon after beginning and different people became connected to the business I realized my life was being played out here.  For confidentiality reasons, I won’t go into the specifics.  I went home one night and drew a spider and each leg of that spider represented the connection I had to each person and realized they were all there as my teachers – the higher purpose of the business for me.  They each played out a part of my life that needed clearing.    As the areas cleared, so did the people drop out of the picture. 

The biggest challenge of today and it is played out in the business environment primarily, is my fully knowing and accepting and living my own value, my own self-worth, my own acceptance.  It is changing and as I change I see the people and environment around me change.  I see myself playing out my childhood role of rejection and silence and wanting to be loved.   Acceptance, love, approval, value, worth all needs to come from within me and I know that once I am fully standing in my truth, the scene of the play will end and the final scene begins.  I am ever so close to that point.  It is something I cannot force and yet something I can choose with intention to evolve.  There is a purpose that it takes time and it is to ensure that there is clearing completely so my light can shine forth. 

What I share here is true for all of us.  Look inside and see the play of your life.  What choices have you made that you bring to this life and how is the play evolving for you.  I would really like to know and hear your stories.  In the meantime, blessings to all.

Welcome 2012!

Happy New Year!

The first day, the new beginning, the clean slate is here.  I write all that I want for me.  Last night I released the barriers that kept me from standing fully in my truth.  I wrote them out beginning with “I release….”  There was a lot to release as a lot was cleared in 2011.  Then, I wrote affirmations and beliefs for 2012.  I verbally read my release list and then burned the list – ashes to ashes.  I took a deep cleansing breath.

Following the release, I lit a candle and I read through my affirmations that I embrace for today and the coming year.  As I read them I experienced joy and satisfaction.  It was a great feeling.  I welcomed in 2012 and slept really great with peace.  I woke up this morning with some old thoughts slipping in and thought what happened to last night!!!!  I released the old and embraced the new and that should be that!!!  Well, is it? 

Changing patterns, takes time.  I made the choice to embrace the new and now I allow for the transformation to take place.  I am unable to “make it happen”.  Through my positive choices, the transformation evolves in the right way, in the right timing creating within me a strong foundation.  So, no magic wand!!!!!!

Today, I choose to stand fully in my truth living an empowered life grateful for all that I have and all that is coming my way.  I am excited about the opportunities I have to grow within, in my career, and on my journey. 

I welcome 2012 and look forward to its gifts!

2011 Reflections

It is New Year’s Eve, 2011.  It is a day of reflection for me as I review the past year and prepare for the glory of 2012.  The year 2011 has been a year of awakening, transforming and healing from the effects of sexual abuse.   I’ve moved from victim to victor, from silence to speaking, from low self-worth to self-worth, from living in an illusion to living in reality.  I’ve moved from fear to faith and trust, from darkness to light, from pain to joy.  It is impossible for me to capture the experience of 2011 and I am grateful for the opportunities that were presented to me to open areas within that needed healing.  Those opportunities came in the form of teachers who had a role in the play of my life to bring out the dark places so light can shine.   What was intended to hurt me, truly was indeed a gift to open to my true self.  I thank those people in my life because on a deep spiritual level, they showed me love. 

As I end 2011, I release the barriers to living fully in my truth.  As I enter into 2012 I open to living more abundantly in the areas of transformation and open to further clearing.  I am excited about new opportunities for creation and career and publishing a book this year.  This year is a year of promise and open doors.

Happy New Year!  Blessings to all!

Abraham~ You are the creator of your own reality

I wrote the other night about creating my reality.  Today I found this video by Esther Hicks about creating our reality.  Wanted to share it tonight because I believe it is an important message.

Born Anew

I’ve had an amazing transformative experience last night.  Well – this entire process has been transformative.  I’ve been working through resisting love.  I know who resists love?  Well, that would be me.  I push love away.  The closer one becomes, the harder I push.  I want love, yet I push it away.  Hmmm.  What’s up with that!!! 

Through process last night with God I came to understand that I fear having what I want because then it makes it real.  Odd – Right?  It is unless you look at it from the shadow side of being sexually, physically and emotionally abused.  It makes perfect sense.

Reality for all of my childhood and a good part of my adulthood sucked.  After going through horrendous physical, sexual and emotional abuse I married a man who physically abused me – oh and I did knowing he would abuse me.  I’ve been raped.  I was sexually abused by a psychotherapist (a new therapy!!!)  So, that is just part of what reality was for my life. 

Rather than live in reality I lived in a dream world or a spirit world.  This was a world of perfection, joy, love, sincerity – all that I wanted in the real life.  If anything came close to making those dreams real, I sabotaged them or pushed them back.  I had a belief that reality sucked so nothing in my perfect spirit world could ever be part of reality because then the spirit/dream world would suck.  I know this sounds rather bazaar but awareness of this truth has changed me overnight!

It is all so clear to me – how could I have missed it?  The fears I live with – fear of both sides of the same issue.  Fear of love, fear of not being loved; fear of success-fear of failure.  I felt in this catch 22 with myself never moving anywhere.   I create – I write books, I develop seminars and workshops, products among other things.  I am visionary.  The hardest thing for me is to take the vision and make it walk.  Now I understand that is because of the double bind of my fears.  Far better the joy of spirit – the dream because the old belief was “reality sucks”. 

So I now understand I can create a brand new reality.  The reality sucks belief belongs in the past.  So I woke up today feeling born again – born anew – born afresh excited about the day – excited about creating my life.  My challenge right now is patience because I want it all NOW!! 

I create a new life which I find joy, peace, fulfillment and completeness.  On the eve of Thanksgiving, I am in deep gratitude for this new awakening in the being of me.  I feel like my whole body is smiling and there is a child-like joy and enthusiasm. 

Have a great Thanksgiving and feel free to share your thoughts with me or what you are grateful for tonight.  Of course this is not Thanksgiving for some of you.  Feel free to share your gratitude. 

Blessings and light to all.

Be a light unto the world, and hurt it not. Seek to build not destroy. Bring My people home. Neale Donald Walsch

This is so important to me because it is the desire of my heart and a message I want to give.  I saw this quote by Neale Donald Walsch and felt it said succinctly my thoughts.

Be a light unto the world, and hurt it not. Seek to build not destroy. Bring My people home.
How?

By your shining example. Seek only Godliness. Speak only in truthfulness. Act only in love. 
Live the Law of Love now and forever more. Give everything require nothing.
Avoid the mundane.
Do not accept the unacceptable.
Teach all who seek to learn of Me.
Make every moment of your life an outpouring of love.
Use every moment to think the highest thought, say the highest word, do the highest deed. In this, glorify your Holy Self, and thus too, glorify Me.
Bring peace to the Earth by bringing peace to all those whose lives you touch. Be peace. Feel and express in every moment your Divine Connection with the All, and with every person, place, and thing.
Embrace every circumstance, own every fault, share every joy, contemplate every mystery, walk in every man’s shoes, forgive every offense (including your own), heal every heart, honor every person’s truth, adore every person’s God, protect every person’s rights, preserve every person’s dignity, promote every person’s interests, provide every person’s needs, presume every person’s holiness, present every person’s greatest gifts, produce every person’s blessing, pronounce every person’s future secure in the assured love of God.
Be a living, breathing example of the Highest Truth that resides within you. Speak humbly of yourself, lest someone mistake your Highest Truth for boast. Speak softly, lest someone think you are merely calling for attention. Speak gently, that all might know of Love. Speak openly, lest someone think you have something to hide. Speak candidly, so you cannot be mistaken. Speak often, so that your word may truly go forth. Speak respectfully, that no one be dishonored. Speak lovingly, that every syllable may heal. Speak of Me with every utterance. Make of your life a gift. Remember always, you are the gift!
Be a gift to everyone who enters your life, and to everyone whose life you enter. Be careful not to enter another’s life if you cannot be a gift. (You can always be a gift, because you always are the gift—yet sometimes you don’t let yourself know that.) When someone enters your life unexpectedly, look for the gift that person has come to receive from you…I HAVE SENT YOU NOTHING BUT ANGELS.”

― Neale Donald Walsch, Conversations With God : An Uncommon Dialogue

Lessons from Life and a Whispering Soul

“Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

I struggle with hitting rock bottom and experiencing the depths of despair.  Facing the ruins of my life is often time very difficult, very painful.  Yet it is the places of those ruins – facing the truth of myself – that the greatest work is done for me. 

At the ruins it is there I recognize the illusions I live and choose to remove them and face the reality of who I am.  I recognize the choices I need to make to live the life I chose to live in this lifetime.  It is here where my soul sings out and its light shines and I experience my magnificence.

Then there is the external world which I operate in with authority figures (bosses), rules, traditions, etc. which I’ve struggled so hard against.   Struggling isn’t living.   My intention is peace within.  The external provides me the opportunities to stay connected to center – to my soul.  It provides me many ways to see deep within to areas that block the flow of life in me. 

I had this situation happen at work about two weeks ago.  My boss came to me about a change he would make.  I didn’t like it and felt it was another expression of how he devalues me.  He heard me and decided to change his course of action.  I stood up for myself and my value and that was good.  Ever since then I’ve had this experience of feeling guilty about not complying with his request.  The issue came up with in a discussion with a friend who was trying to make the issue different from what I experienced.   We discussed the subject quite energetically and I felt the anger rising up in me and what I was feeling below that was this guilt that I did not comply and fear that because I did not comply I created a division between him and me and he would not accept me.  Keep in mind that he has not said a word to me.  These are my own feelings – my should – my programs coming to play. 

What I came to understand that it was important for me to take a stand for me as I rarely do it and be at peace with the stand because I am worth it and it was right for me.  What was going through my mind was “selfish, self-centered, I create issues, I am the problem, I should be ashamed of myself” and so on and so forth.  That needs disconnecting and clearing for me.   For me, acceptance came through my being compliant.  Had I chosen compliant, I would then be choosing victimhood in my mind in this situation.  My friend’s perspective was that acceptance came when I stood up for myself.  He is right and yet because of my programs, I saw it differently. 

As I open in my journey I see so many ways of thinking and feeling and seeing the world that are inaccurate and different from how people look at the world.  It is as if I live in my own world.  So I am learning new ways of perceiving the world and interactions.  I tell you it isn’t always easy.  In this case I learned that it is important to teach people how to treat me and it is up to me to do that with them.  There are times to comply and there are times to stand in truth.  This was one of those times and he learned from this experience that what I experience is important and I learned that standing for me creates acceptance.  Interesting change for me. 

With regards to the words:  Rather than selfish, I take care of myself first and then I am better able to be present for others.  Rather than self-centered I create emotional, physical, spiritual space that serves the best of me in order to be better able to serve humanity.  Rather than shame, I feel gratitude to myself for standing up and stating what I needed.  The shame would be if I didn’t do that.  Rather than insensitive and uncaring, I am treating myself with sensitivity and caring and by doing that I create the energy to live and serve better.  I release everything contrary to those words and I am grateful for the experience to bring me to a deeper awareness of me.  I trust my intuition as it is the whispers of my soul.

Standing Fully in My Truth

“The greatest challenge is to love ourselves completely” Carl Jung

I spoke this past Monday night on the journey of authenticity and the influence of our shadow side.  It was quite interesting because as I prepared for the speech, memorizing it and making it me, I had a lot of issues arise from the shadow side.  I’ve talked about duality before and I experienced that a lot when I spoke. 

The topic of the speech was “Who Am I” and I struggled with that off and on through the week.  Who am I to speak, even briefly, about the journey to authenticity when I’ve yet to “arrive”?  Who am I not to speak the truth of my journey?

It takes both sides, the light and the shadow, to make a whole person.  Standing in our truth comes when we accept all parts of ourselves and at any given moment we are one with ourselves standing in the fullness of who we are.  That means accepting the duality within. 

My experience of being sexually, physically and emotionally abused created a very powerful and dark shadow side full of programs, beliefs and fears.  Rather than facing the truth of the shadow side, I sealed each one in a box and then took each box and put it into the back of a very dark closet.  I then, shut the door and locked it.  I lived an illusion.  People thought I was competent, confident and pretty great.  That may have been true, but it wasn’t all of me.  My shadow side was stuffed away in boxes. 

Keeping that door shut began to take more and more energy and then one day the shadow side busted through.  I ended up in a corner of a room sobbing endlessly, my body covered with bruises as my shadow side had expressed itself.  No one knew how to help me because no one knew of the shadow side.  That moment was the beginning of healing for me.

Dealing with my shadow side has been rather unpleasant and yet incredibly valuable.  While facing the truth of all me and the pain from the shadows, I have evolved a more authentic me – more honest, more grounded and more stable.  It is a journey and I haven’t arrived yet, and maybe there never really is a moment of arriving – maybe we are always evolving and as we evolve we become clearer and more integrated. 

Although a more fulfilling experience, it has taken a lot of courage to live fully in the truth of who I am.  There are still days where the fear and the programs are so intense, it challenges me to find the courage.  And on those days, I rely on my companions – faith and trust through God. 

While preparing for the speech I once again experienced the duality within and the feeling of imbalance that duality created for me.  I began looking at the world through the shadow side and it took choosing every moment to move past the shadow vision.  I came through it.  The speech was given.  I was approached by someone to help her explore her “boxes”.  If I touched one person and can help at least one person, it was all worth it.

The other benefit of the “soul” preparation was I came to a deeper understanding of new truths within me and how I create some of the experiences of my life in order to set myself free.  I found my inner rebel as a part of me who resists authority, tradition, conformity out of fear.  What I came to understand is the truth of exists regardless of the situation.  I am not defined by the situation.  What defines me is my intrinsic soul so there is no need to fear authority, conformity or tradition.  I am free to experience whatever the universe has provided me to experience and trust it is for my higher good.

As I wrote this tonight, the song “We Shall Overcome” has been plaything through my heart.  Please listen to Daina Ross as she sings this beautiful rendition and find how it speaks to you.

“Deep within my heart, I do believe, that someday we will all be free.  I may not know how long it will be.  Someday we will all be free, someday we will free.  Hold on my brother.  Give me your hand.  Someday we will all be free.  Learning to love, we will find our way.  Someday we will all be free.”

The Hole

The journey to wholeness is fraught with peak experiences and valley experiences.  It is in the valley of the Shadow of Darkness that I struggle with the most.  I can see the peak.  I know the peak is there.  I know the outcome and yet I struggle getting there.  Writing and sharing the journey sometimes is challenging for me because I reveal so much of who I am.  I continue because it is important for me to share my truth because hiding has been so much a part of my life.  I live illusions that say I have it all together.  I don’t.  Not only is it healthy for me, but also important for the readers.  Some have experiences much like mine and they can be a support or me or this validates them and is a support to them.  Perhaps the reader is connected with others who have been sexually abused and then can come to a new understanding if that person.   One thing I know for sure, we all are spiritual beings having a human experience and it isn’t what the journey is for us, but how we evolve on our journey.

I took down the wall that protected me from love, from hurt, from more betrayal.  I stand naked now without my wall and I have experienced new awareness and feelings.  A person in authority over me came in to tell me a change that was happening and how I would accommodate this change.  This person has reminded me of my father.  He looks like him as a young man, he acts like him and the way he had treated me was like him.   A few months ago I spoke my truth to him about how I felt when he spoke in certain ways.  Amazingly, things got better.  Speaking truth has some positive benefits.  The other day he came in with this new idea and, without my wall, I broke down in tears and he just looked at me and I shut the door to my office and had an honest discussion with him about his not showing me value.  He heard me and decided not to implement the change. 

I felt a little ridiculous crying in front of my boss.  I don’t want to be perceived as an “emotional” woman as I am in a leadership role.  Because the wall is down, I didn’t have anywhere to hide so I had only the truth of my experience to share.  I like the illusions!!!!  I am more real today then I was even three days ago.  Had I not spoken the truth, he would have followed through on his choice and I would have remained silent and gone into victimhood and resentment.  It is a win-win for all.

I’ve been emotional.  Without my wall, I’ve discovered that I have this hole in me that will never be filled because it is from the past.  This need for love and time and acceptance seems to be a bottomless pit.  I’ve chosen not to become emotionally close to people (hiding behind the wall) so this hole was not exposed.  I realize that although there are people today who love me, I don’t fully embrace it or trust it because I am looking back to the past where there was homelessness in my soul and hunger for love.  I realize I cannot look to today’s experience to fill a void from the past.  This came about because my dearest friend says that as much as he shows love to me, that doesn’t ever seem enough and he was right.  I had to look at it honestly and this hunger deep inside that I wasn’t fully aware of was a wound from the past. 

I understand that I need to allow myself – perhaps my little self – to grieve that loss.  It can’t be fixed or disconnected.  Grief moves us through the pain into joy.  I work is to go through that and recognize that I am loved today in so many ways and it is enough today.  The love today is not intended to fill the vacancy of yesterday.    Following is my conversation with God 

I felt so emotional today.  As much as I wanted to be with my friend tonight, I didn’t want it.  It has become way complicated.  This wall being down has brought new challenges and realizations.  The wall kept me from having to see the hole in my life.  No one gets close enough to trigger it.  My friend has gotten so incredibly close it was causing some issues between us.  Emotional intimacy isn’t easy for me.    Everything is so weird right now. 

God:  That wall is down and you feel naked and dealing with issues of nakedness with nowhere to hide. 

Me:  I know.  My friend’s sharing about time and our conflict around it and now this hole and realizing that subconsciously I was looking to him to fill it and he was wondering why it isn’t enough no matter what he does and realizing it is enough and yet it isn’t enough.  The emotions tell me it is more a LM issue waiting and waiting to be loved.  We have found love and love has found me and if she is waiting she isn’t going to see.  She is looking backwards to fill the hole and there is nothing back there.  The hole can never be filled.  Love has found us.  My friend loves us.    

God:  You are receiving his love that is good.  No he cannot fill the past.  No one can, nothing can.  He can love you deeply today if you accept his love but his love will never fill the past.  

Me:  I know. 

God:  You need to grieve the loss.  In human terms it was a loss and grieving it is important as you know for joy to come shining forth.  Grief is movement and makes room for possibilities.  

Me:  I know.  I just don’t know how to grieve this.  If I do it is like giving up and I have to accept the truth.  

God:  It is giving up.  When someone dies there are people who try to keep them alive by setting places at the table, keeping their belongings.  They live in constant denial and pain.  That is what LM is doing.  She is waiting and she needs to move through the grief free of judgment and condemnation.  She needs to learn a new way of managing loss and make room for the new in her life. 

Me:  So work with her as I would work with any other child. 

God: yes 

My friend, although male, is a Spiritual Partner and not a lover.  Even so, accepting the love of a friend, especially a male friend, is challenging for me.  We have a deep soul connection.  He has been a gift in my life in so many ways.  His love and acceptance has been very important on this journey.  Yet, because of the wounds of the past, I still find I distrust him.  He understands and is far more accepting of it than I am.  I feel when I come to fully love me, that trust with anyone will become irrelevant.  Right now, it is a process.  I know I am spirit having a human experience.  I know that there is a purpose for all of this.  I know as I continue to move forward and speak my truth, I will reach the peak of the mountain fully embracing all of me and loving me.

The Emerging Soul

“How does one become a butterfly?” she asked pensively. “You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.” Trina Paulus

 It has been so long since I’ve blogged here.  I’ve been so busy and easily distracted.  It seems the journey is forward moving and as I get to the top of the mountain I find I am fatigued and worn out.  I want to sit and just cry knowing that it will not take me to the mountain top.  Or will it?

Emotions are part of the journey.  I’ve hidden mine or they came out in anger.  I projected them.  I looked to the external world to resolve them. “If only my boss showed me respect”, “If only I had more money”.  I had a whole list of if onlys.  The if onlys really are either past based or they are future based.  They are not the present moment and the present moment is the only place I exist.

I have found it easier to love and accept myself knowing that loving and accepting myself truly is the only love I need and I will stop looking to the external for validation or love.  As much as I look inward and love myself I find letting go of “wanting” external people to love me or validate me is a process.  It is like I am looking at them to heal the wounds of my past and that isn’t possible or healthy.  The answer is loving me enough that it ceases to matter how other people feel about me.    It is evolving ever so slowly.  I have days that I feel as if I am there – I got it and there are other days that I feel shaky and imbalanced.  I long for this part of the journey to be complete. 

I find I get angry and frustrated with myself.  I know what to do.  If I were counseling another person, this would be a breeze and I would have the intuition and the guidance.  For me, I may have it but working through it is tough.  There has been so much fear in me about all kinds of things that most people take for granted.  I have fear about going in stores.  Today my grandsons wanted to go to the mall.  At first I said no, which is my normal response.  Then as I drove past it, I decided to challenge the fear – made an illegal u-turn and went to the mall.  Chris, my 13 year old grandson says “I will remember this moment for all my life.”  Cool – he is being supportive.  I thanked him and he looked me and said “Mimi, you never do anything illegal – you just did.  I will remember it!!”  Too funny but an example that even my grandchildren understand I am a perfectionist and I have my way of going through life.  So the “real” Mimi is being exposed!

I didn’t feel the fear in the mall.  Observing that, I found it interesting that perhaps the work I’ve done has brought me to a place of freedom and the remembrance of the fear is only that a remembrance – a habit.  So, it was good to find that out today.  There was nothing to challenge because there was no fear. 

Get back on topic.  Since my last writing I’ve experienced the rage deep within me and how easy it has been to feel the rage and anger.  I tend to suppress those emotions either by withdrawing or eating.  Through the experience of rage I came to see this last wall of protection that I kept up that no one, not even my spiritual partner, could bypass.  I had to face the emotions of the night my father tried to kill me when I was 15 and I left home.  It was that night that I finally comprehended the hatred my parents had for me from a human perspective.  A while back I had this conversation with God as I remembered and experienced those feelings which this wall had kept contained for me. 

God:  It wasn’t your time.  You had a mission to complete. The night your father tried to kill you, how did you feel?

Me:  It was the culmination of a lifetime with them.  Mother set me up and I was beaten.  She disrespected me and was horrible and mean and I was blamed for it.  All she had to do was tell him I was bad and I got the shit beat out of me.   She set me up with him and he believed her and he protected her all the time.  He allowed her to hurt me no matter what.  That night I disrespected her by the tone of my voice and that was it.  He called me crazy and stupid and told them all to be afraid of me.  I would hurt them.  He came out to the garage and grabbed the pool stick from me and slammed it against me.  Then he took his hand and with the force of a 250 pound man he open-handed hit me in the face.  Not a slap.  An open hand hit.  I pushed him away from me.  He grabbed me and threw me against the garage door with his force and he took his hand and started choking me and I couldn’t breathe and this rage came out of nowhere in me and I kicked him in the balls and ran. “She’s crazy” he kept yelling.  “Stay away from her.  She’s violent and will hurt anyone.”  The hurt that night was deep and real.  Although I knew this truth already, it was that Valentine’s Day that reality hit me that I wasn’t loved or wanted and that I didn’t matter and that no one cared and I was powerless and everyone believed him. I felt loss and alone.  This event was witnessed by my friend Cyndi.  She and her mom went to find me but I had run miles and miles wishing to die feeling like dirt more concerned about fighting back then his nearly killing me.  I wish he did.  So many people, including me, would have been better off.  I felt abandoned and alone and I was.  I had nobody but me to count on. No one to help me. No one to believe me.  It was just me –always has been and always would be.  I have me and that is it.  That is the recognition of the lesson.  I am alone.  I am better off alone.   I never could get away from him.  His pictures posted all over town “Vote for Jack”.  The police, the firemen. They all believed him and supported him.  It was one of the worst days of my life realizing my life was over.  Realizing consciously that I was alone, abandoned, rejected, hurt.   I went severely depressed and hid.  I hid talking about it.  I hid.  I never told anyone about the sexual abuse.  I took responsibility for the physical abuse – I had bruises and because he owned the city, there was no help for me. I felt I was a nobody and a nothing –a piece of shit. 

God:  That is very intense for a young girl to go through to face that reality about the value of her life. 

Me: I needed someone to stand up for me and there was no one.  There never has been. I don’t need it now because I got me and I will protect me.

God:  Do you feel how hurt you were?  Those tears rolling down your face the ache inside of you. Remember.  You talk of the event but you haven’t experienced those feelings.  They are very important feelings.  It solidified your withdrawal and distrust of all people.  You want very much to move past it but deep inside of you these fears and feelings remain.  You defended and protected yourself from your father killing you.  You knew clearly you were alone and that abandonment raged through you.  You cried that night for hours and hours alone.  There was no consolation for you.  That is the emotion in you tonight.  That is the wall no one has ever penetrated.  That place where you have to re-experience the aloneness and the abandonment.  No one has moved past that wall.  Perhaps it is time for that wall to come down.

Me:  I don’t know God.  That was almost a lifetime away.  I don’t know that I can take it down and ever feel safe.  I fight for me like I did that night and I don’t know why I do.   

God:  The veil is being pulled back so you remember the pain and feel it and know the ground zero of how it felt.  This is important for you because this is fear.  The wall is there because you fear this pain, this loss, and this abandonment.  You don’t need the wall.  You need to remember what it felt like.

I went through the memory of that experience and truly understood it was time for the wall to come down and taking it down wasn’t an easy task and was very painful.  After that night I went to live in a home with people I refer to as my foster parents.  She loved me, she accepted me and tried to be there for me but I wouldn’t let her past the wall.  Had I been able to, perhaps the journey would have been different after that point.  Then again, perhaps the journey happened as it needed to happen.

The wall is down and I’ve reconnected with my soul – a beautiful and strong part of me – the part that was disconnected early on.   With the wall down I feel naked and vulnerable – not exactly my comfort zone!  With those feelings is a sense of oneness with myself and the Universe.  I understand any barriers is out of integrity with my mission and my purpose. 

Is it all a bed of roses now?  No.  I have moments that I vacillate.  Perhaps learning to live connected with my soul is an evolution.  Every moment is a choice and sometimes I choose it while other times I choose distance.  I’ve broken through my cocoon and the butterfly has emerged.  I’ve taken my soul and I’m choosing to let it fly.