Standing Fully in My Truth

“The greatest challenge is to love ourselves completely” Carl Jung

I spoke this past Monday night on the journey of authenticity and the influence of our shadow side.  It was quite interesting because as I prepared for the speech, memorizing it and making it me, I had a lot of issues arise from the shadow side.  I’ve talked about duality before and I experienced that a lot when I spoke. 

The topic of the speech was “Who Am I” and I struggled with that off and on through the week.  Who am I to speak, even briefly, about the journey to authenticity when I’ve yet to “arrive”?  Who am I not to speak the truth of my journey?

It takes both sides, the light and the shadow, to make a whole person.  Standing in our truth comes when we accept all parts of ourselves and at any given moment we are one with ourselves standing in the fullness of who we are.  That means accepting the duality within. 

My experience of being sexually, physically and emotionally abused created a very powerful and dark shadow side full of programs, beliefs and fears.  Rather than facing the truth of the shadow side, I sealed each one in a box and then took each box and put it into the back of a very dark closet.  I then, shut the door and locked it.  I lived an illusion.  People thought I was competent, confident and pretty great.  That may have been true, but it wasn’t all of me.  My shadow side was stuffed away in boxes. 

Keeping that door shut began to take more and more energy and then one day the shadow side busted through.  I ended up in a corner of a room sobbing endlessly, my body covered with bruises as my shadow side had expressed itself.  No one knew how to help me because no one knew of the shadow side.  That moment was the beginning of healing for me.

Dealing with my shadow side has been rather unpleasant and yet incredibly valuable.  While facing the truth of all me and the pain from the shadows, I have evolved a more authentic me – more honest, more grounded and more stable.  It is a journey and I haven’t arrived yet, and maybe there never really is a moment of arriving – maybe we are always evolving and as we evolve we become clearer and more integrated. 

Although a more fulfilling experience, it has taken a lot of courage to live fully in the truth of who I am.  There are still days where the fear and the programs are so intense, it challenges me to find the courage.  And on those days, I rely on my companions – faith and trust through God. 

While preparing for the speech I once again experienced the duality within and the feeling of imbalance that duality created for me.  I began looking at the world through the shadow side and it took choosing every moment to move past the shadow vision.  I came through it.  The speech was given.  I was approached by someone to help her explore her “boxes”.  If I touched one person and can help at least one person, it was all worth it.

The other benefit of the “soul” preparation was I came to a deeper understanding of new truths within me and how I create some of the experiences of my life in order to set myself free.  I found my inner rebel as a part of me who resists authority, tradition, conformity out of fear.  What I came to understand is the truth of exists regardless of the situation.  I am not defined by the situation.  What defines me is my intrinsic soul so there is no need to fear authority, conformity or tradition.  I am free to experience whatever the universe has provided me to experience and trust it is for my higher good.

As I wrote this tonight, the song “We Shall Overcome” has been plaything through my heart.  Please listen to Daina Ross as she sings this beautiful rendition and find how it speaks to you.

“Deep within my heart, I do believe, that someday we will all be free.  I may not know how long it will be.  Someday we will all be free, someday we will free.  Hold on my brother.  Give me your hand.  Someday we will all be free.  Learning to love, we will find our way.  Someday we will all be free.”

The Hole

The journey to wholeness is fraught with peak experiences and valley experiences.  It is in the valley of the Shadow of Darkness that I struggle with the most.  I can see the peak.  I know the peak is there.  I know the outcome and yet I struggle getting there.  Writing and sharing the journey sometimes is challenging for me because I reveal so much of who I am.  I continue because it is important for me to share my truth because hiding has been so much a part of my life.  I live illusions that say I have it all together.  I don’t.  Not only is it healthy for me, but also important for the readers.  Some have experiences much like mine and they can be a support or me or this validates them and is a support to them.  Perhaps the reader is connected with others who have been sexually abused and then can come to a new understanding if that person.   One thing I know for sure, we all are spiritual beings having a human experience and it isn’t what the journey is for us, but how we evolve on our journey.

I took down the wall that protected me from love, from hurt, from more betrayal.  I stand naked now without my wall and I have experienced new awareness and feelings.  A person in authority over me came in to tell me a change that was happening and how I would accommodate this change.  This person has reminded me of my father.  He looks like him as a young man, he acts like him and the way he had treated me was like him.   A few months ago I spoke my truth to him about how I felt when he spoke in certain ways.  Amazingly, things got better.  Speaking truth has some positive benefits.  The other day he came in with this new idea and, without my wall, I broke down in tears and he just looked at me and I shut the door to my office and had an honest discussion with him about his not showing me value.  He heard me and decided not to implement the change. 

I felt a little ridiculous crying in front of my boss.  I don’t want to be perceived as an “emotional” woman as I am in a leadership role.  Because the wall is down, I didn’t have anywhere to hide so I had only the truth of my experience to share.  I like the illusions!!!!  I am more real today then I was even three days ago.  Had I not spoken the truth, he would have followed through on his choice and I would have remained silent and gone into victimhood and resentment.  It is a win-win for all.

I’ve been emotional.  Without my wall, I’ve discovered that I have this hole in me that will never be filled because it is from the past.  This need for love and time and acceptance seems to be a bottomless pit.  I’ve chosen not to become emotionally close to people (hiding behind the wall) so this hole was not exposed.  I realize that although there are people today who love me, I don’t fully embrace it or trust it because I am looking back to the past where there was homelessness in my soul and hunger for love.  I realize I cannot look to today’s experience to fill a void from the past.  This came about because my dearest friend says that as much as he shows love to me, that doesn’t ever seem enough and he was right.  I had to look at it honestly and this hunger deep inside that I wasn’t fully aware of was a wound from the past. 

I understand that I need to allow myself – perhaps my little self – to grieve that loss.  It can’t be fixed or disconnected.  Grief moves us through the pain into joy.  I work is to go through that and recognize that I am loved today in so many ways and it is enough today.  The love today is not intended to fill the vacancy of yesterday.    Following is my conversation with God 

I felt so emotional today.  As much as I wanted to be with my friend tonight, I didn’t want it.  It has become way complicated.  This wall being down has brought new challenges and realizations.  The wall kept me from having to see the hole in my life.  No one gets close enough to trigger it.  My friend has gotten so incredibly close it was causing some issues between us.  Emotional intimacy isn’t easy for me.    Everything is so weird right now. 

God:  That wall is down and you feel naked and dealing with issues of nakedness with nowhere to hide. 

Me:  I know.  My friend’s sharing about time and our conflict around it and now this hole and realizing that subconsciously I was looking to him to fill it and he was wondering why it isn’t enough no matter what he does and realizing it is enough and yet it isn’t enough.  The emotions tell me it is more a LM issue waiting and waiting to be loved.  We have found love and love has found me and if she is waiting she isn’t going to see.  She is looking backwards to fill the hole and there is nothing back there.  The hole can never be filled.  Love has found us.  My friend loves us.    

God:  You are receiving his love that is good.  No he cannot fill the past.  No one can, nothing can.  He can love you deeply today if you accept his love but his love will never fill the past.  

Me:  I know. 

God:  You need to grieve the loss.  In human terms it was a loss and grieving it is important as you know for joy to come shining forth.  Grief is movement and makes room for possibilities.  

Me:  I know.  I just don’t know how to grieve this.  If I do it is like giving up and I have to accept the truth.  

God:  It is giving up.  When someone dies there are people who try to keep them alive by setting places at the table, keeping their belongings.  They live in constant denial and pain.  That is what LM is doing.  She is waiting and she needs to move through the grief free of judgment and condemnation.  She needs to learn a new way of managing loss and make room for the new in her life. 

Me:  So work with her as I would work with any other child. 

God: yes 

My friend, although male, is a Spiritual Partner and not a lover.  Even so, accepting the love of a friend, especially a male friend, is challenging for me.  We have a deep soul connection.  He has been a gift in my life in so many ways.  His love and acceptance has been very important on this journey.  Yet, because of the wounds of the past, I still find I distrust him.  He understands and is far more accepting of it than I am.  I feel when I come to fully love me, that trust with anyone will become irrelevant.  Right now, it is a process.  I know I am spirit having a human experience.  I know that there is a purpose for all of this.  I know as I continue to move forward and speak my truth, I will reach the peak of the mountain fully embracing all of me and loving me.

The Emerging Soul

“How does one become a butterfly?” she asked pensively. “You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.” Trina Paulus

 It has been so long since I’ve blogged here.  I’ve been so busy and easily distracted.  It seems the journey is forward moving and as I get to the top of the mountain I find I am fatigued and worn out.  I want to sit and just cry knowing that it will not take me to the mountain top.  Or will it?

Emotions are part of the journey.  I’ve hidden mine or they came out in anger.  I projected them.  I looked to the external world to resolve them. “If only my boss showed me respect”, “If only I had more money”.  I had a whole list of if onlys.  The if onlys really are either past based or they are future based.  They are not the present moment and the present moment is the only place I exist.

I have found it easier to love and accept myself knowing that loving and accepting myself truly is the only love I need and I will stop looking to the external for validation or love.  As much as I look inward and love myself I find letting go of “wanting” external people to love me or validate me is a process.  It is like I am looking at them to heal the wounds of my past and that isn’t possible or healthy.  The answer is loving me enough that it ceases to matter how other people feel about me.    It is evolving ever so slowly.  I have days that I feel as if I am there – I got it and there are other days that I feel shaky and imbalanced.  I long for this part of the journey to be complete. 

I find I get angry and frustrated with myself.  I know what to do.  If I were counseling another person, this would be a breeze and I would have the intuition and the guidance.  For me, I may have it but working through it is tough.  There has been so much fear in me about all kinds of things that most people take for granted.  I have fear about going in stores.  Today my grandsons wanted to go to the mall.  At first I said no, which is my normal response.  Then as I drove past it, I decided to challenge the fear – made an illegal u-turn and went to the mall.  Chris, my 13 year old grandson says “I will remember this moment for all my life.”  Cool – he is being supportive.  I thanked him and he looked me and said “Mimi, you never do anything illegal – you just did.  I will remember it!!”  Too funny but an example that even my grandchildren understand I am a perfectionist and I have my way of going through life.  So the “real” Mimi is being exposed!

I didn’t feel the fear in the mall.  Observing that, I found it interesting that perhaps the work I’ve done has brought me to a place of freedom and the remembrance of the fear is only that a remembrance – a habit.  So, it was good to find that out today.  There was nothing to challenge because there was no fear. 

Get back on topic.  Since my last writing I’ve experienced the rage deep within me and how easy it has been to feel the rage and anger.  I tend to suppress those emotions either by withdrawing or eating.  Through the experience of rage I came to see this last wall of protection that I kept up that no one, not even my spiritual partner, could bypass.  I had to face the emotions of the night my father tried to kill me when I was 15 and I left home.  It was that night that I finally comprehended the hatred my parents had for me from a human perspective.  A while back I had this conversation with God as I remembered and experienced those feelings which this wall had kept contained for me. 

God:  It wasn’t your time.  You had a mission to complete. The night your father tried to kill you, how did you feel?

Me:  It was the culmination of a lifetime with them.  Mother set me up and I was beaten.  She disrespected me and was horrible and mean and I was blamed for it.  All she had to do was tell him I was bad and I got the shit beat out of me.   She set me up with him and he believed her and he protected her all the time.  He allowed her to hurt me no matter what.  That night I disrespected her by the tone of my voice and that was it.  He called me crazy and stupid and told them all to be afraid of me.  I would hurt them.  He came out to the garage and grabbed the pool stick from me and slammed it against me.  Then he took his hand and with the force of a 250 pound man he open-handed hit me in the face.  Not a slap.  An open hand hit.  I pushed him away from me.  He grabbed me and threw me against the garage door with his force and he took his hand and started choking me and I couldn’t breathe and this rage came out of nowhere in me and I kicked him in the balls and ran. “She’s crazy” he kept yelling.  “Stay away from her.  She’s violent and will hurt anyone.”  The hurt that night was deep and real.  Although I knew this truth already, it was that Valentine’s Day that reality hit me that I wasn’t loved or wanted and that I didn’t matter and that no one cared and I was powerless and everyone believed him. I felt loss and alone.  This event was witnessed by my friend Cyndi.  She and her mom went to find me but I had run miles and miles wishing to die feeling like dirt more concerned about fighting back then his nearly killing me.  I wish he did.  So many people, including me, would have been better off.  I felt abandoned and alone and I was.  I had nobody but me to count on. No one to help me. No one to believe me.  It was just me –always has been and always would be.  I have me and that is it.  That is the recognition of the lesson.  I am alone.  I am better off alone.   I never could get away from him.  His pictures posted all over town “Vote for Jack”.  The police, the firemen. They all believed him and supported him.  It was one of the worst days of my life realizing my life was over.  Realizing consciously that I was alone, abandoned, rejected, hurt.   I went severely depressed and hid.  I hid talking about it.  I hid.  I never told anyone about the sexual abuse.  I took responsibility for the physical abuse – I had bruises and because he owned the city, there was no help for me. I felt I was a nobody and a nothing –a piece of shit. 

God:  That is very intense for a young girl to go through to face that reality about the value of her life. 

Me: I needed someone to stand up for me and there was no one.  There never has been. I don’t need it now because I got me and I will protect me.

God:  Do you feel how hurt you were?  Those tears rolling down your face the ache inside of you. Remember.  You talk of the event but you haven’t experienced those feelings.  They are very important feelings.  It solidified your withdrawal and distrust of all people.  You want very much to move past it but deep inside of you these fears and feelings remain.  You defended and protected yourself from your father killing you.  You knew clearly you were alone and that abandonment raged through you.  You cried that night for hours and hours alone.  There was no consolation for you.  That is the emotion in you tonight.  That is the wall no one has ever penetrated.  That place where you have to re-experience the aloneness and the abandonment.  No one has moved past that wall.  Perhaps it is time for that wall to come down.

Me:  I don’t know God.  That was almost a lifetime away.  I don’t know that I can take it down and ever feel safe.  I fight for me like I did that night and I don’t know why I do.   

God:  The veil is being pulled back so you remember the pain and feel it and know the ground zero of how it felt.  This is important for you because this is fear.  The wall is there because you fear this pain, this loss, and this abandonment.  You don’t need the wall.  You need to remember what it felt like.

I went through the memory of that experience and truly understood it was time for the wall to come down and taking it down wasn’t an easy task and was very painful.  After that night I went to live in a home with people I refer to as my foster parents.  She loved me, she accepted me and tried to be there for me but I wouldn’t let her past the wall.  Had I been able to, perhaps the journey would have been different after that point.  Then again, perhaps the journey happened as it needed to happen.

The wall is down and I’ve reconnected with my soul – a beautiful and strong part of me – the part that was disconnected early on.   With the wall down I feel naked and vulnerable – not exactly my comfort zone!  With those feelings is a sense of oneness with myself and the Universe.  I understand any barriers is out of integrity with my mission and my purpose. 

Is it all a bed of roses now?  No.  I have moments that I vacillate.  Perhaps learning to live connected with my soul is an evolution.  Every moment is a choice and sometimes I choose it while other times I choose distance.  I’ve broken through my cocoon and the butterfly has emerged.  I’ve taken my soul and I’m choosing to let it fly.

Finding my Way Home – Journey of Self-Acceptance and Self-Love

There seem to be days I struggle finding my place in this world.  I’ve never seem to quite fit anywhere.  Perhaps it is because I haven’t really come home to myself.  I look for home in other people, in the workplace, in spirit.  Home is within me and finding the rest there has been challenging as I tend to define me by other people.  Other people only mirror to me what I am internally.  So to change what they mirror, it makes sense to change within me.  That seems to be a circular dance right now.  Last night in process I took the role of an observer and met myself on the beach.  Following is the writings of the experience.

Me;  I see a person feeling despair.  I sense she is ready to give up.  Nothing seems to work right for her anywhere.  She is very tired and just sits there alternately staring at the ocean and then putting her head in her arms as if all her strength is gone.  She wonders why she is here and what purpose does being here bring.  She is so lonely.  I keep getting that she is ready to give up.  Everything seems to feel out of control.  She leads a double life and always has.  She doesn’t see a way out.  She is wondering if it is best if she just walks into the ocean until the ocean consumes her.  I remember how often as a child at the beach I had that feeling

I walk to her.  It is so beautiful here and the air is so pure.  I approach her and she looks up at me with tears streaming down her face. 

 Me:  I see you sitting here alone and you seem sad.  You feel like giving up and wonder why you should continue

She looks at me with eyes that tell of her sorrow and tiredness. 

 Me:  No one can grasp what it is like to be you.  You feel lost and can’t find your way home no matter how hard you work at it.  You feel lost.

 She stares at the ocean with tears running down her face.

 Me:  Mary I am so sorry for all the pain and the hurt you experienced in this life.  I know it hasn’t been an easy journey.  It is a rich journey full of life in a way that few ever get to experience.  I’ve wanted to run away from your pain because it is so unbearable.  I’ve denied your pain and hurt.  I have kept it hidden because I didn’t want it to be used against me.  Everything in your life was shattered and it has been a long journey and you are so tired.  I’ve not shown you compassion.  I just keep pushing and what you are telling me is to stop pushing and just love you. I accept all of you.  You are beautiful and powerful.  I know you don’t feel that way right now, but it is the truth.  You need to cry and allow the hurt to transform.  I keep you from crying by eating by working.  Please cry.  I hold you while you cry.  You’ve never had anyone to hold you while you cry.  You’ve always cried alone.  I accept you.    I’ve rejected you like they all have being them to you as they are to you.  You can count on me now to accept you.  I promise a relationship with you free of rejection.  You feel abandoned and alone because I have abandoned you along with everyone else.  I promised to be present with you first and foremost.  I promise to honor you first.  I promise to walk with you.  I promise to accept all of your feelings:  hurt, anger, joy, laughter, fear.  While accepting them I will help you transform them.  I hear you.  I really hear you.  I don’t want you to walk into the ocean and give up.  It is only a job and you are far more important than a job.  You had hopes in it like you have had hopes in other jobs and people.  You put your heart and soul into it and it is not acknowledged or understood.  Rather it is condemned and treated as trite.  I understand.  I understand how important this is to you and how you feel the loss around it.  I promise to be faithful and not minimize your experience or feelings.  I promise  to stand by you while others choose to condemn, judge and walk away.  I promise to honor you and love you.  I promise to light the way.  I am sorry for not listening to you or honoring you.  I am sorry I made them and the job more important than you.  We can make it through on this journey together.  I know it leads to great places.  I just don’t know the journey there.  It takes faith and trust.

I was so accustomed to living outside myself to manage the perpetrators in my life that I totally disconnected from me.  My journey of healing for the past several years has been amazing.  This part seems so hard finding my way home within me.  I experience a lot of confusion and imbalance in myself as I am awakening, transforming and shifting.  I feel unstable and that is reflected in the external.  I intend to keep the promise to myself to love me, to honor me, to be faithful to me first and foremost above anyone and anything.  I feel sadness with that commitment and I am not sure why.  Perhaps it is because I have abandoned myself for a lifetime or perhaps it is leaving the unfamiliar.  Either way.  I am home.

.

Remembering Mother

I am often amazed at the people and experiences thare are brought into our lives at the perfect moment.  Sometimes my journey is a lonely one.  I came to suffer brokenness and a shattering of my soul and to experience reconciliation and participate in healing the world.  The journey has involved going in spirit and forgiving my parents for the roles they played in my life to give me the experience I asked for.  Forgiveness wasn’t for them.  It was for me to set myself free.  Once forgiveness was complete, I came to a place of gratitude.  In spirt, they loved me enough to participate in the journey.  Human terms, it was awful.  The repeated sexual abuse by my father starting when I was 3 and the emotional and physical abuse by both parents. 

I originally created this blog because I was angry at the abuse of the elderly.  During my human lifetime I did not have a close relationship with my family.  That is true with those still alive.  There are obvious reasons for it.  Periodically I would try to connect with my mother and never could.  There was too much damage between us and she lacked the courage to face it.  I was studying to be a hypnotherapist.  Part of the class is to undergo hypnotherapy which I did.  I had a dream on a Thursday that I was at my foster mother’s house and there was shifting of the ground and I saw my mother in her wheel chair hanging upside down and she died.   Two days later in a hypnotherapy session,  I went to visit my mother in the forest and there was this meeting and expression and I severed the abusive cord that remained between us.  Two days later I received a call

“Mary, you need to come to Colorado.  Mother has been in an accident and it doesn’t look like she is going to make it.”

These were the words spoken by my sister with a lot of fear and anxiety in her voice.  It was January 16, 2007 and just an ordinary day.    I was stunned and definitely not prepared for this.  Although I had the dream, it was out of the blue.  I couldn’t believe it.  It was surreal – unreal.  I thought I was in the midst of a nightmare and in a second I would wake up and realize it was just another bad dream.

“Are you there?” asked my sister.  There was that voice again. 

“What happened?” I forced myself to ask.  I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.   

“Mother had a doctor’s appointment this morning and they were driving back.  The driver had taken a turn too fast and she was flipped upside down out of the seat because she wasn’t strapped in correctly. ”

“What? How could she have been strapped in wrong?”  I was still in a state of disbelief.  This was more than I could digest.  Mother in an accident? She might die?

How could this happen?  They strapped her in wrong and she was disabled.   How difficult could it be to strap her in right?  I couldn’t comprehend it.

The dream I had prepared me for this experience spiritually.  There were so many feelings running through me.  We weren’t close, yet  didn’t want to suffer.  She inflicted physical and emotional abuse on me and turned her back on my father sexually abusing me.  Do I go?  Do I stay? 

I went and I am glad I did.  There was no end of life reconciliation.  She didn’t recognize me and thought I was God   I had a lot of confusing emotions which I wrote out in words as I sat in her hospital room as she was in and out of consciousness.

You lie there – your body aching and hurting

 As I did so many years ago at the hands of your abuse

You lie there – crying tears of despair and loneliness

 As I did so many years ago as a result of your abuse

You lie there wanting for someone to care to change your life

As I did so many years ago alone in the dark

I could just tell you to don’t be stupid and grow up.

Just like you did to me

I could just tell you that you brought it on yourself

Just like you did to me

I could ignore you

 Just like you did to me

I could just tell you to stop crying or I will give you something to cry about

Just like you did to me

I could just tell you to forget about it

 Just like you did to me

I could just tell you that you’re crazy

Just like you did to me

I could just tell you I am leaving

Just like you did to me

I could just tell you I hate you and wish you never were born

Just like you did to me

I could just tell you that you deserved it

Just like you did to me

I could just watch you as you writhe in pain

 Just like you did to me

Those are honest words.  I was open to experiencing them and I accepted them.  I stayed because I had this depth of love for her that I didn’t know from where it came.   I could protect her from the neglect of the hospital.  I could make sure she received treatment when they believed she was out of her mind.  I could do for her with a heart of compassion what she could never do for me.  I am grateful for that.  It didn’t make me better than her.  It gave me more of a peace within me.  Some say she got what she deserved.  Perhaps it is karma.  To me, no one deserves any abuse, neglect, abandonment.  That is just me.  She didn’t die that week while I was there.  It took her another 4 weeks of suffering to die.  She died in a way she feared the most. 

Today I remember my mother and I am not sure why.  It makes no sense to wish for something that never was and yet I am finding myself today doing just that.  I would love to have had that relationship where I could call and share the burden of my heart today and receive her wisdom (this truly is an illusion of a mother I am speaking about).  As I write this I hear her words to me “I hate you.  I wish you were never born.  If abortion had been legal, I would have aborted you.”  The words remind me that the loss of my mother was a releasing of the abuse.  The loss was losing the potentiality of a healed relationship.  There was a purpose for how it all turned out.  As I think of my mother today, I wish her well as she continues her journey elsewhere.

Transforming the Internal – Transforming the Effects of Abuse – Participating in Healing the World

Tonight I want to share this video with you as it really explores what I’ve been sharing about my journey.  We all have our journey to walk.  Our journey contains the experiences we need to receive the lessons and fulfill our life mission.    It is very important to not only us individually, but also to others who walk their journey with us whether we know them or not know them.  My journey is to clear out the effects of sexual abuse, rape, physical abuse, emotional abuse repeated over and over.  I am finding love and peace within and it is affecting those around me.  Our heart is the center of the universe from which love and peace flow and touch one another.  The divine flows through me.   I saw this video and it touched me and I want to share it with you.  The message is transforming our internal world – our core – for the external world to transform.   Regardless of the religious beliefs we carry, the spiritual message is the same – transformation inside heals us and the world.  My prayer has been to see where healing is needed within me and then help me to see how I can participate in the healing of the world.  Perhaps that is the connection with this video.

Imbalance to find Balance – Releasing Fear – Surrendering to Peace

I am a rock.  I am an Island.  A rock feels no pain and an island never cries thoughts that I connected with most of my life with the song  “I am a Rock” by Simon and Garfunkel.  The song was ever so descriptive of my experience.  As a young person it was my theme song to help me survive. 

I’ve always been the rock for people.  The stability in their lives.  The one that manages crisis in a calm and peaceful state.  I’ve held a man when I was 16 as he died in my arms his blood covering me as a result of a boat accident we were in and I survived.  As they all fell apart around me, I managed the crisis dealing with the police, the paramedics and breaking the news of his death to his wife while my mother cowered in a corner and my sister disconnected and my father was in a drunken stupor.  That is how I am for other people.  I wasn’t that way for myself nor did I have anyone in my life to be my rock.  If I allowed someone to help me, it typically ended up poorly and painfully.  I learned to just rely on me.  I lived an illusion that all was well within me.  I was the calm people sought.  Inside I was chaos and fear and instability. 

The journey to standing in my truth has required I move to a place of imbalance within in order to find balance and the place of harmony.  I have a dear friend who has walked with me and has been my rock so I can allow for the imbalance to find my balance.  I clung to the illusion of stability and strength for so long.  I am learning to find my balance from my core rather than from an illusion based on survival.  In order to find the balance I’ve had to come to a place of faith, trust, acceptance and love in myself and then a willingness to truly trust my core to another person. 

As I have explored within me my instability, I’ve seen how it is mirrored in those around me.  I feel my value, my worth until another person comes along and because of their instability they do not see that value in me and I allow them to define me and I am shaken.  I have a particular authority person in my life, who I call Max, that challenges me to the core.  He has an issue with strong women and I am strong.  He wants to be needed and I don’t need – well at least don’t show a need.  I kind of prefer the “I am Woman” mentality.    It often brings me to tears because in his eyes I let him down and I want to please.  Yes, his role is to remind me of my relationship with my father and indeed he does. 

Last night in process once again I  am working through the situation with Max.  Chuck is a good friend and has been present for me as I explore.

Me:  Okay.  Chuck and I talked a lot about Max today and how it is I feel confident until Max challenges me and I take on his experience of me rather than standing in my own truth.  He is so right.  I let his experience of me become my reality.  So, my challenge is to block that.    

 God:  Is your heart afraid of Max?

 Me:  No, the heart has compassion for Max seeing him as if he is a little boy.  So the heart is connecting with the little boy in Max.  Max is uncertain and has his own issues with stability and he is seeking for stability in the external as well with me and he wants to define it with me so he feels stable.  Oh wow.  Interesting information.  We both look to each other to feel stable and what we need from the other is not what we can give each other.  Max isn’t stable in himself because of his paradigm and with him I am not stable.  Interesting.  I think we both need to find our own balance within ourselves.  His is external right now as mine is.  I don’t know how to help him but I can help myself.  This is interesting insight into Max.  How do I find and stay in my stability and my truth when he is around or when anyone is around that challenges it?  I wobble.  It is the residual of becoming what everybody wants me to become in order to be accepted.  I have come so far in that and this is showing me where I still bend because of their issue with me.  The challenge is transforming.  I don’t have to trust him to be different with him.  I only have to trust my heart to be different with him.  The heart feels love towards him and friendly.  There is no fear.  There is recognition.  That is interesting.  Recognition of what?  Is it recognition of his spirit – his soul?  Interesting.  There is joy in the heart of the recognition.  How can that be so?  The heart sees him and recognizes him and loves him.  God, what’s up here?

 God:  Your insight is right about the instability in both of you.  All you are responsible for is finding your balance and trusting yourself.  That is it and allow him to find his.  You fear other people’s instability because it was other’s instability that hurt you.  Whether you are conscious of it or not, you have fear of his instability and accommodating him helps alleviate the fear but creates chaos inside of yourself. 

Me:  Very interesting because I hadn’t seen that clearly.  It is true.  The instability/imbalance of the other person when connected with my instability/imbalance has led to very unpleasant experiences.  I am subconsciously reacting to his instability and creating a shield between us so he can’t hurt me.  Fear is a big part of it.  So I need a shield which is my heart that keeps him from hurting me or allowing the two instabilities to connect while allowing for the good flow to happen between us.  Interesting.  Very interesting.  If I am safe within me and there is the expectation of safety, love, peace, joy with faith and trust, then I am safe wherever I go and around anyone.  This is all tied into it.  As a person in authority I need Max to be stable in order for me to respond to him completely positively.  The authority figures in my life were anything but stable.  I need him to be decisive, to be a leader,  to inspire, to be stable.  He is none of those things and it makes it challenging for me deal with him as an authority figure.  Now that I have conscious awareness of the fear of instability issues my intention becomes to release the fear of it, not taking on his instability and energetically pushing him back so he has the opportunity to grow through it.  I don’t know how that happens and I release any need in me to fix it for him.  I open and allow transformation within me.  

 Today peace is the promise I give myself.  Today I lay down fear and surrender to love, peace, harmony.  I find balance.