This blog has been inactive for sime time now and thought today, my birthday, I would reactivate the blog.
Change through Transformation is near and dear to my heart because all my life I have been transforming with an intense focus this past year. So it seems on this date – the celebration of my birth and the celebration of the anniversary of process that it is quite fitting to once again share transformation.
Although it has been a lifetime of transformation for me, a deep process began August 10, 2010 in which I began facing the truth of my life as a victim of sexual, physical and emotional abuse. During this past year I moved from being imprisoned by the choices of my parents to living freely because of my choices. On August 10, 2011 a year later, I continue the deep healing. I am sharing my journey to help me stay free and not hidden and hopefully to help others.
On August 10, 1953 through the anguish of my mother who did not want a second child. My brother was just a year older than me. Somehow or other it was my fault she chose to have sex and give birth. All my life I heard had abortions been legal, I would have been aborted. So for me, my birthday has never been a day of celebration..
Within each of us we have a little self. For some of us who have experienced shattering in our lives, there could be many different parts as was true for me. I am in the place of my healing where I have my little self – actually a part of me – who is learning to grow up so I can find more fulfillment. I refer to my little self as Little Mary. Our greatest challenge is healing relationships and remembering the past. Here is a conversation between God and Little Mary regarding our birthday.
God: You have a birthday coming up. Are you excited?
LM: No. I don’t remember much about my birthday.
God: Did you have parties?
LM: I don’t think so. We were gone all the time on my birthday. Vacations. They would fight and stuff.
God: What do you remember?
LM: I remember one time I did have a party. I remember a blue and pink elephant pillow a friend gave to me. Then I remember being in a car once and traveling and opening presents and I was in a bad mood and the dad and mother were yelling at each other and yelling at me. That is all I remember.
God: That is sad not to remember your birthday. Birthdays are to celebrate you.
LM: I think it made the mother remember I was born and she didn’t like me.
God: Yes that is part of it. I want you to remember real hard right now Mary about your birthday.
LM: I don’t want to.
God: I know. It is important to remember.
LM: Daddy would come in my room on my birthday. I was his birthday girl. He did that stuff to me.
God: That is right. That is why you don’t remember your birthdays because they hurt you.
LM: I don’t want to talk about it.
God: I know you don’t but it is important for you to remember so Mary remembers and so those memories don’t always get in the way of your birthday so you can start having fun on your birthday. Your dad was saying you belong to him.
LM: He wanted to make them special. He felt sorry for me.
God: That is what he told you. That wasn’t true.
LM: It was too true.
God: No sweet girl. It isn’t true. That was a lie. You were a special girl but he used that as a reason to hurt you.
LM: He was my dad.
God: He was and he hurt you doing things to you that dads aren’t supposed to do with their little girls.
LM: I’m bad.
God: No you are not bad. He did wrong. He is dead now. He won’t ever hurt you on your birthday again. Ever again. They are just memories now. So you can have a good birthday if you want.
LM: I think I don’t want a birthday.
God: Birthdays are fun. It celebrates you coming into this world.
LM: I wish I was never born.
For many people, their birthdays are a day of celebration. For me, they were a day of dread. I understand now and as hard as it is to face the truth, facing the truth allows for the opportunity to open to a different experience and transform.
There was a great understanding and healing for me through the expression of the child within as I came to understand so much about the feelings around my birthday. Even today as I woke up instead of the joy of my birthday, I experienced this sick feeling in my stomach. I stopped and remembered and today I choose to awaken to the celebration of my birth!