I AM – The Truth of Me as I Reclaim my Soul -Healing from Sexual Abuse

I am.  I am a mother of a wonderful daughter.  Grandmother of 3 beautiful grandsons:  Jake 18, Chris 13 and Asher 2 years old – the “uh oh” baby.  I am the Director of Operations at American Funeral Financial.  I am a writer and contributing author of a newly published book Second Chances and  I am co-creator of Second Chances. workshops and seminars.  That is how I would define myself to you.     That is my external world – a world comfortable for me to share with you – a safe place to reside. 

However, I am not writing this blog to experience safety.  I came to challenge my fear to set myself free and to stand in my truth.  As a result, I am going to take you on a journey – a journey to my inner world – a world most do not see yet a world rich with experience

Before I begin, I would like you to just reflect back to when you were a child how you depended on your parents or grandparents or other caretakers to love you, accept you, nurture you, protect you.  Home is the safe place to be.  Or is it?

For me home was unsafe.  I was sexually abused by my father  and physically and emotionally abused by my parents.  The experiences created a shattered soul  The shattering created instability within me and instability affected  my ability to comfortably interact with adults and peers, my ability to speak – my interaction with men where I replicated abuse through much of my adult life.   The biggest issue for me though is a deep seeded fear that affected everything I do and still affects me somewhat today.  Instead of challenging the fears I created illusions so I could accommodate the fear and not have to remember why the fears were there.  My parents said, “If you ever tell, we will die.  You don’t want us to die do you?”  A deep seeded fear was installed with those simple words. 

 I was a victim and lived a victim mentality.  I was imprisoned by the choices of my parents and I maintained that prison by my choices in life.   Ladies and Gentlemen, prison is no fun!

Almost a year ago I entered into a process to seek my freedom. I went back and dealt with my parents, both now deceased.  In process, I was able to forgive them and recognized the wonderful gifts – the lessons/values I received from the experience.    They taught me the value of worthiness by treating me with disdain.  They taught me the value of love through their hatred of me.   They taught me the value of beauty by treating me as ugly.  They taught me the value of kindness and compassion by treating me cruelly.  They taught me the value of joy by their bitterness and anger. They taught me the value of acceptance by their rejection.  They taught me the value of peace through their violence.  They taught me the value of sanctity by their rape of my body and soul.  They taught me the value of wisdom through their ignorance. They taught me the value of integrity through their lies and illusions.  They taught me the value of courage through their control and fear mongering. I am in gratitude, a deep honest gratitude to them, for being my teachers for a higher calling.  I looked for deliverance from my past and came to understand that I needed to accept the truth of my past as it was the fertilizer of my soul. 

I understand that I am not defined by my past.  I choose to release the prisons of victimization,  and make choices daily that now create the life I want.

My name is Mary Auda and I Am a divine expression of God’s love. I am facing my fears.  I am living each moment today.  I am creating my future.  And, I look forward to knowing the – I AM of each of you. 

 I AM.

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