I, like most people who were raped and sexually abused, physically abused and emotionally abused struggle with knowing who I am, trusting who I am and standing in my own truth. I grew up in different roles with different parts of me. As a child I was, to my father, his sexual toy. He called me his wife. I was at other times his daughter, his punching bag, his confidant. For my mother, I was someone she could barely tolerate. So, I had many roles I played and had to play. My whole existence was being what they wanted me to be. My whole survival was in knowing what that was and parts of me managed the roles.
At that time in my life, it was necessary. Today it is not necessary and certainly not helpful. Yet, I still find myself wanting to define my role, my place in other people’s lives by them. I get frustrated sometimes because I just want them to tell me what they want me to be and I will be it! Just don’t make me guess because I might not guess right! It is fairly unhealthy to live life that way now. It doesn’t make sense in my present life. It can look a bit “crazy” to other people if they didn’t know my story. Putting it into context, it makes sense.
I don’t want it to make sense any more. I am working on knowing my own truth and standing in that truth. As I’ve shared before I have conversations with God which I refer to as a process. This is one such conversation about standing in my truth.
“Me: Don’t you think it would be really good to have great relationships so that they would eradicate the old bad ones? I am kidding. I understand I have to see how “bad” I am in relationships to heal the relationship aspect. Perhaps my friend is right. This is my time to take a stand for me without losing ground to the past. When it takes me to the past I feel powerless, weak, fearful, victim. So to gain the flip side of it I need to stand in my truth and speak from my truth even if it upsets him or the consequences are negative. Even then I have stood for myself; stood in my power and nothing can be taken from me. I would challenge the fear and the powerlessness and hold on to that which is mind. I will see him as who he is and not my father. John who has his own issues. I let him keep his issues and not take them personally as mine. What I do is find me in relationship. I lose me in relationship. I become what they want and lose me. I want them to see me as a person in the relationship but they can’t see me because I am a reflection of them and not me. How can they see me? I am too busy letting them define me and the heart is very clear that they cannot define me and no one can define me and yet I live apart from my heart because in my relationship part of myself I am in the past. So the key is the heart, standing in my truth, accepting me, loving me and knowing who I am. Knowing who I am is tough and I guess that is why it is so easy to allow others to define me. I am finding out who I am but it comes with baggage right now.
God: Great insights Mary. Rather than trying to eat the whole elephant, consider picking one aspect that you can work on to begin changing the relationship issues.
Me: That is a good idea. I tend to want to eat the whole elephant at one time when I need only a piece at a time and time to digest it. Ahh. I see. This is where faith, trust and patience are very important.
Me; I think the first aspect I need to focus my healing on is finding out who I am in relationships and then stand in that truth of who I am in relationships. I don’t think anything else will work until I do that. Who I am is constant. How it expresses changes. When expressed it shouldn’t change who I am and I stay the same. Because of the past, the dissociation, I can be whoever anyone wants me to be. This is kind of cool to look at it. Okay. I commit to finding out who I am in relationship and stand in the truth of my relationships.
God: Great commitment. Who are you in relationship?
Me: At the core of me I am loving and kind and giving.
God: Who are you?
Me: I am spirit. I am a mom and a grandma and a friend
God: That describes your roles. Who are you?
I will share my answers to God in another blog. What happened to me as a child shattered my soul into millions of pieces. My lifetime journey has been to gather the pieces and heal and live in faith and trust with patience. I share my journey in hopes it can help you or someone you know heal and break free of the prisons that others chose for us. My sharing is for me a way to maintain my freedom from prison. I feel incredibly vulnerable with sharing it. This is my journey and my truth not only includes the experiences of the past, but also the authentic soul. Would love to hear your story. Feel free to share.