Standing in My Truth – Healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse

We are more than the roles we hold in this lifetime.  It is a challenge sometimes to see past the illusions that were either created for us and we maintain or we created ourselves.  To become I AM we need to see the core.  My conversation with God continues.

Me:  I am.  I am the divine expression of your love.  If that is the case, then there is grace and power that exists simply because I am and you are in me and I am your expression.  I came to participate in healing the world and healing the world begins with me and being in the truth of me in relationship.  Healing the world encompasses so much.  That is why you have asked that I am to stand in the truth of who I am and not be confrontational or to hide.  I am to speak the truth of who I am.  I am to love and love doesn’t always mean acquiescing or giving people the experience they think they want.  I hesitate on speaking the truth to him because I doubt myself.  That is another piece of the elephant.  I need to explore me and see me and find out who I am so I can stand in my truth.  I am kind of excited about tomorrow for the opportunity of that happening.  I need an affirmation to speak about the I amThe shit that comes out of me comes out of the effects of the abuse that others have put on me and not from my core.  God, I have an awesome core and I keep it hidden.

God:  I know you do.  Your core is so powerful and so beautiful and so strong and so courageous and so loving.  You hide that from other people because of the abuse.  It is time now to allow that to come out of the covers.  Be you.  Don’t wait for someone to define your experience. Define it for yourself.  Open the core of you and see what happens.

Me:  I am not sure I know how.

God:  Just have the intention:  “I open the core of me to be visible to others and I am safe and loved and peaceful.”  Keep repeating it for yourself and see what happens.  Faith, trust and patience.

Me:  I know, I want to do it all.

God:  The elephant?

Me:  I guess.  I wonder if I will not seek solitude so much if I can be me around other people.  I said earlier this week that I want more and more to be alone.  I think that is because I am healing and the core is becoming more present to me and more vulnerable.  There is fear somehow if I allow people in, it might be contaminated.  Fear grounded in the past. 

God:  You do.  When you are clear about standing in your own truth and taking your own power, people can hurt you but not damage you.  The damage you experience is from the past.  You are experiencing hurt with him when in fact he is giving you the opportunity to see how you still hurt from the past and now can heal and move past it.

Me:  Subconsciously and spiritually he is hurting me to help me.   I know that.  It is very hard god.

God:  I know.  Important to bring all this to the surface so you can heal and heal yourself in relationships.  Without this going on, you wouldn’t see this part of yourself.  So it is good although painful.

Me:  I experience a lot of pain and fear with him. 

God:  Yes.

Me:  Chuck pointed out my words last night and how my words re-create the experiences.  So I am changing my words.  “I am strong and powerful, intelligent, capable.  I draw experiences with people in authority and those who walk with me that are trusting and kind and loving.  They recognize my gifts and desire me to be part of their lives in whatever capacity that its”.

God:  That is good Mary.  Change your words and change your thoughts and see the core of you get comfortable with exposure.

Me:  Okay.  I am fearless and at peace with it.

Insightful conversation.  Walking it out isn’t always so easy and there are tentacles to everything.  During this past week I’ve been experiencing regrets about how I, because of my own damage, affected the lives of those close to me.  My friend says “don’t you see that in your apology that you are really apologizing for not being what they wanted you to be.”  He is so right.  Learning to be I am and standing in my own truth is a process that runs very deep and wide.  Every day I choose to stand in my own truth.  There are some days it is more challenging than others especially when the buttons are pushed that trigger the past with my family.  It is all a learning experience for me and those connected with me.  My lessons are for all who want to see.  For now as I wrote in my book “In Honor of Me” a poem –

 I AM. 

Laughing

Dancing

Spinning

Turning

Playing

Bending

Learning

Creating

Loving

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This entry was posted in Emotional Abuse, Physical Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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