Opening your heart, allowing the core of you to be seen, expressing your truth carries with it the risk of hurt and rejection. Shutting down carries a greater risk and that is losing yourself. Listen to your heart. (MA)
I rarely allow anyone into my heart as it allows the core of me visible to other people. Because that has been so violated in childhood and throughout a large part of my life, the core was protected by not allowing an open heart. I was open to love other people and to be present for them. Rarely does anyone get close enough to that core because of my fear of hurt and rejection and violation.
I’ve been on this journey and opening my heart has been part of the journey allowing for the core of me to be revealed. I had beliefs and programs in place to prevent this from ever happening. I had to face the programs and beliefs and remove them, transform them, or whatever was needed to disempower them to free my heart to be open. Opening my heart revealing the truth of me is a new experience for me and feels fragile sometimes and shaky as revealed in the conversation with God last night:
God: You are right when you say your heart isn’t in it.
Me: Of course you would say that. It is the last damn time I open my heart to anyone. Last time I will ever share again my core with anyone.
God: What would that solve?
Me: No hurt. No investment in anyone. I am fine walking this life out on my own. It only gets screwed up when someone comes into my heart. I am done with that God. I don’t mind people in my heart as a means to minister to them but not for me.
God: Is that what your heart wants? Listen to your heart.
Me: Heart is why we are where we are now.
God: Yes in a way that is true. Your heart expressed her truth and it is a beautiful truth. It is willing to be broken in order for it to be known.
Me: That would be the heart.
God: Your heart is beautiful and loving and kind and wanting to live and express and be itself. It is expansive and inclusive.
Me: What a shame I shared it.
God: No. You were vulnerable and open and spoke truth. There is no shame in it.
Me: What am I supposed to do with this God?
That is how process began and ended last night. There was a deep grief and sadness in me. I experienced a regret of opening my heart. The words at the beginning are what came to me this morning as I awakened from my sleep. I was in a more centered place in my truth and as those words came to me, there was an understanding of what I am supposed to do with all of this. I am to remain open and transparent as shutting down carries a great risk and that is losing myself. Listen to my heart, God seemed to say in the quiet of my soul.
So I am listening to my heart, fully expressing, fully open and still with some fear. Sharing this process in a blog is part of my heart opening and allowing the core of me to be seen and know I am safe because first I am safe with me. I typically have conversations with God every night. Many years ago, I rarely wrote them down because it did not fit the paradigm I believed in at the time. I was told once in a fundamentalist Christian church where I was on staff in the counseling ministry, that God doesn’t talk to us like that. He was wrong about that in me. I believed him for a while. That was his paradigm. I’ve come to accept this very open, very dynamic conversation with God. There will be times I share the conversation as I feel led to do so. That is the truth of me. I stand in my truth, fully me, in the light. That is the I AM of me.
I invite you to stand in the fullness and magnificence of you.