I am a rock. I am an Island. A rock feels no pain and an island never cries thoughts that I connected with most of my life with the song “I am a Rock” by Simon and Garfunkel. The song was ever so descriptive of my experience. As a young person it was my theme song to help me survive.
I’ve always been the rock for people. The stability in their lives. The one that manages crisis in a calm and peaceful state. I’ve held a man when I was 16 as he died in my arms his blood covering me as a result of a boat accident we were in and I survived. As they all fell apart around me, I managed the crisis dealing with the police, the paramedics and breaking the news of his death to his wife while my mother cowered in a corner and my sister disconnected and my father was in a drunken stupor. That is how I am for other people. I wasn’t that way for myself nor did I have anyone in my life to be my rock. If I allowed someone to help me, it typically ended up poorly and painfully. I learned to just rely on me. I lived an illusion that all was well within me. I was the calm people sought. Inside I was chaos and fear and instability.
The journey to standing in my truth has required I move to a place of imbalance within in order to find balance and the place of harmony. I have a dear friend who has walked with me and has been my rock so I can allow for the imbalance to find my balance. I clung to the illusion of stability and strength for so long. I am learning to find my balance from my core rather than from an illusion based on survival. In order to find the balance I’ve had to come to a place of faith, trust, acceptance and love in myself and then a willingness to truly trust my core to another person.
As I have explored within me my instability, I’ve seen how it is mirrored in those around me. I feel my value, my worth until another person comes along and because of their instability they do not see that value in me and I allow them to define me and I am shaken. I have a particular authority person in my life, who I call Max, that challenges me to the core. He has an issue with strong women and I am strong. He wants to be needed and I don’t need – well at least don’t show a need. I kind of prefer the “I am Woman” mentality. It often brings me to tears because in his eyes I let him down and I want to please. Yes, his role is to remind me of my relationship with my father and indeed he does.
Last night in process once again I am working through the situation with Max. Chuck is a good friend and has been present for me as I explore.
Me: Okay. Chuck and I talked a lot about Max today and how it is I feel confident until Max challenges me and I take on his experience of me rather than standing in my own truth. He is so right. I let his experience of me become my reality. So, my challenge is to block that.
God: Is your heart afraid of Max?
Me: No, the heart has compassion for Max seeing him as if he is a little boy. So the heart is connecting with the little boy in Max. Max is uncertain and has his own issues with stability and he is seeking for stability in the external as well with me and he wants to define it with me so he feels stable. Oh wow. Interesting information. We both look to each other to feel stable and what we need from the other is not what we can give each other. Max isn’t stable in himself because of his paradigm and with him I am not stable. Interesting. I think we both need to find our own balance within ourselves. His is external right now as mine is. I don’t know how to help him but I can help myself. This is interesting insight into Max. How do I find and stay in my stability and my truth when he is around or when anyone is around that challenges it? I wobble. It is the residual of becoming what everybody wants me to become in order to be accepted. I have come so far in that and this is showing me where I still bend because of their issue with me. The challenge is transforming. I don’t have to trust him to be different with him. I only have to trust my heart to be different with him. The heart feels love towards him and friendly. There is no fear. There is recognition. That is interesting. Recognition of what? Is it recognition of his spirit – his soul? Interesting. There is joy in the heart of the recognition. How can that be so? The heart sees him and recognizes him and loves him. God, what’s up here?
God: Your insight is right about the instability in both of you. All you are responsible for is finding your balance and trusting yourself. That is it and allow him to find his. You fear other people’s instability because it was other’s instability that hurt you. Whether you are conscious of it or not, you have fear of his instability and accommodating him helps alleviate the fear but creates chaos inside of yourself.
Me: Very interesting because I hadn’t seen that clearly. It is true. The instability/imbalance of the other person when connected with my instability/imbalance has led to very unpleasant experiences. I am subconsciously reacting to his instability and creating a shield between us so he can’t hurt me. Fear is a big part of it. So I need a shield which is my heart that keeps him from hurting me or allowing the two instabilities to connect while allowing for the good flow to happen between us. Interesting. Very interesting. If I am safe within me and there is the expectation of safety, love, peace, joy with faith and trust, then I am safe wherever I go and around anyone. This is all tied into it. As a person in authority I need Max to be stable in order for me to respond to him completely positively. The authority figures in my life were anything but stable. I need him to be decisive, to be a leader, to inspire, to be stable. He is none of those things and it makes it challenging for me deal with him as an authority figure. Now that I have conscious awareness of the fear of instability issues my intention becomes to release the fear of it, not taking on his instability and energetically pushing him back so he has the opportunity to grow through it. I don’t know how that happens and I release any need in me to fix it for him. I open and allow transformation within me.