Remembering Mother

I am often amazed at the people and experiences thare are brought into our lives at the perfect moment.  Sometimes my journey is a lonely one.  I came to suffer brokenness and a shattering of my soul and to experience reconciliation and participate in healing the world.  The journey has involved going in spirit and forgiving my parents for the roles they played in my life to give me the experience I asked for.  Forgiveness wasn’t for them.  It was for me to set myself free.  Once forgiveness was complete, I came to a place of gratitude.  In spirt, they loved me enough to participate in the journey.  Human terms, it was awful.  The repeated sexual abuse by my father starting when I was 3 and the emotional and physical abuse by both parents. 

I originally created this blog because I was angry at the abuse of the elderly.  During my human lifetime I did not have a close relationship with my family.  That is true with those still alive.  There are obvious reasons for it.  Periodically I would try to connect with my mother and never could.  There was too much damage between us and she lacked the courage to face it.  I was studying to be a hypnotherapist.  Part of the class is to undergo hypnotherapy which I did.  I had a dream on a Thursday that I was at my foster mother’s house and there was shifting of the ground and I saw my mother in her wheel chair hanging upside down and she died.   Two days later in a hypnotherapy session,  I went to visit my mother in the forest and there was this meeting and expression and I severed the abusive cord that remained between us.  Two days later I received a call

“Mary, you need to come to Colorado.  Mother has been in an accident and it doesn’t look like she is going to make it.”

These were the words spoken by my sister with a lot of fear and anxiety in her voice.  It was January 16, 2007 and just an ordinary day.    I was stunned and definitely not prepared for this.  Although I had the dream, it was out of the blue.  I couldn’t believe it.  It was surreal – unreal.  I thought I was in the midst of a nightmare and in a second I would wake up and realize it was just another bad dream.

“Are you there?” asked my sister.  There was that voice again. 

“What happened?” I forced myself to ask.  I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.   

“Mother had a doctor’s appointment this morning and they were driving back.  The driver had taken a turn too fast and she was flipped upside down out of the seat because she wasn’t strapped in correctly. “

“What? How could she have been strapped in wrong?”  I was still in a state of disbelief.  This was more than I could digest.  Mother in an accident? She might die?

How could this happen?  They strapped her in wrong and she was disabled.   How difficult could it be to strap her in right?  I couldn’t comprehend it.

The dream I had prepared me for this experience spiritually.  There were so many feelings running through me.  We weren’t close, yet  didn’t want to suffer.  She inflicted physical and emotional abuse on me and turned her back on my father sexually abusing me.  Do I go?  Do I stay? 

I went and I am glad I did.  There was no end of life reconciliation.  She didn’t recognize me and thought I was God 🙂  I had a lot of confusing emotions which I wrote out in words as I sat in her hospital room as she was in and out of consciousness.

You lie there – your body aching and hurting

 As I did so many years ago at the hands of your abuse

You lie there – crying tears of despair and loneliness

 As I did so many years ago as a result of your abuse

You lie there wanting for someone to care to change your life

As I did so many years ago alone in the dark

I could just tell you to don’t be stupid and grow up.

Just like you did to me

I could just tell you that you brought it on yourself

Just like you did to me

I could ignore you

 Just like you did to me

I could just tell you to stop crying or I will give you something to cry about

Just like you did to me

I could just tell you to forget about it

 Just like you did to me

I could just tell you that you’re crazy

Just like you did to me

I could just tell you I am leaving

Just like you did to me

I could just tell you I hate you and wish you never were born

Just like you did to me

I could just tell you that you deserved it

Just like you did to me

I could just watch you as you writhe in pain

 Just like you did to me

Those are honest words.  I was open to experiencing them and I accepted them.  I stayed because I had this depth of love for her that I didn’t know from where it came.   I could protect her from the neglect of the hospital.  I could make sure she received treatment when they believed she was out of her mind.  I could do for her with a heart of compassion what she could never do for me.  I am grateful for that.  It didn’t make me better than her.  It gave me more of a peace within me.  Some say she got what she deserved.  Perhaps it is karma.  To me, no one deserves any abuse, neglect, abandonment.  That is just me.  She didn’t die that week while I was there.  It took her another 4 weeks of suffering to die.  She died in a way she feared the most. 

Today I remember my mother and I am not sure why.  It makes no sense to wish for something that never was and yet I am finding myself today doing just that.  I would love to have had that relationship where I could call and share the burden of my heart today and receive her wisdom (this truly is an illusion of a mother I am speaking about).  As I write this I hear her words to me “I hate you.  I wish you were never born.  If abortion had been legal, I would have aborted you.”  The words remind me that the loss of my mother was a releasing of the abuse.  The loss was losing the potentiality of a healed relationship.  There was a purpose for how it all turned out.  As I think of my mother today, I wish her well as she continues her journey elsewhere.

This entry was posted in disabled, Elder Abuse, elder neglect, Emotional Abuse, Nursing Home Abuse, Physical Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Transformation and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Remembering Mother

  1. Gabrielle says:

    I was lucky in the way that I was able to come to the realisation that my mother was too blinded to see the truth of what happened, which helped me to forgive her. When she died a few years ago, I decided to write my stepfather a letter, forgiving him for the abuse I suffered at his hands. Like you, I did this for myself, as I realised that my anger towards him didn’t touch him but was only hurting me. It gave me closure from my past and finally allowed me to leave it behind.
    The fact that you found it inside yourself to be compassionate towards your mother shows how far you have come dispite what she did to you, and shows what a beautiful, loving spirit you really are.
    Much love, Gabrielle

    • Change Through Transformation says:

      Hi Gabriella. Internet has been done. I would rather choose love and compassion for them than live in the prisons created by their abuse. My challenge is finding that same love and compassion for myself. I love your comments. So much support and love. Mary

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