There seem to be days I struggle finding my place in this world. I’ve never seem to quite fit anywhere. Perhaps it is because I haven’t really come home to myself. I look for home in other people, in the workplace, in spirit. Home is within me and finding the rest there has been challenging as I tend to define me by other people. Other people only mirror to me what I am internally. So to change what they mirror, it makes sense to change within me. That seems to be a circular dance right now. Last night in process I took the role of an observer and met myself on the beach. Following is the writings of the experience.
Me; I see a person feeling despair. I sense she is ready to give up. Nothing seems to work right for her anywhere. She is very tired and just sits there alternately staring at the ocean and then putting her head in her arms as if all her strength is gone. She wonders why she is here and what purpose does being here bring. She is so lonely. I keep getting that she is ready to give up. Everything seems to feel out of control. She leads a double life and always has. She doesn’t see a way out. She is wondering if it is best if she just walks into the ocean until the ocean consumes her. I remember how often as a child at the beach I had that feeling
I walk to her. It is so beautiful here and the air is so pure. I approach her and she looks up at me with tears streaming down her face.
Me: I see you sitting here alone and you seem sad. You feel like giving up and wonder why you should continue
She looks at me with eyes that tell of her sorrow and tiredness.
Me: No one can grasp what it is like to be you. You feel lost and can’t find your way home no matter how hard you work at it. You feel lost.
She stares at the ocean with tears running down her face.
Me: Mary I am so sorry for all the pain and the hurt you experienced in this life. I know it hasn’t been an easy journey. It is a rich journey full of life in a way that few ever get to experience. I’ve wanted to run away from your pain because it is so unbearable. I’ve denied your pain and hurt. I have kept it hidden because I didn’t want it to be used against me. Everything in your life was shattered and it has been a long journey and you are so tired. I’ve not shown you compassion. I just keep pushing and what you are telling me is to stop pushing and just love you. I accept all of you. You are beautiful and powerful. I know you don’t feel that way right now, but it is the truth. You need to cry and allow the hurt to transform. I keep you from crying by eating by working. Please cry. I hold you while you cry. You’ve never had anyone to hold you while you cry. You’ve always cried alone. I accept you. I’ve rejected you like they all have being them to you as they are to you. You can count on me now to accept you. I promise a relationship with you free of rejection. You feel abandoned and alone because I have abandoned you along with everyone else. I promised to be present with you first and foremost. I promise to honor you first. I promise to walk with you. I promise to accept all of your feelings: hurt, anger, joy, laughter, fear. While accepting them I will help you transform them. I hear you. I really hear you. I don’t want you to walk into the ocean and give up. It is only a job and you are far more important than a job. You had hopes in it like you have had hopes in other jobs and people. You put your heart and soul into it and it is not acknowledged or understood. Rather it is condemned and treated as trite. I understand. I understand how important this is to you and how you feel the loss around it. I promise to be faithful and not minimize your experience or feelings. I promise to stand by you while others choose to condemn, judge and walk away. I promise to honor you and love you. I promise to light the way. I am sorry for not listening to you or honoring you. I am sorry I made them and the job more important than you. We can make it through on this journey together. I know it leads to great places. I just don’t know the journey there. It takes faith and trust.
I was so accustomed to living outside myself to manage the perpetrators in my life that I totally disconnected from me. My journey of healing for the past several years has been amazing. This part seems so hard finding my way home within me. I experience a lot of confusion and imbalance in myself as I am awakening, transforming and shifting. I feel unstable and that is reflected in the external. I intend to keep the promise to myself to love me, to honor me, to be faithful to me first and foremost above anyone and anything. I feel sadness with that commitment and I am not sure why. Perhaps it is because I have abandoned myself for a lifetime or perhaps it is leaving the unfamiliar. Either way. I am home.