“How does one become a butterfly?” she asked pensively. “You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.” Trina Paulus
It has been so long since I’ve blogged here. I’ve been so busy and easily distracted. It seems the journey is forward moving and as I get to the top of the mountain I find I am fatigued and worn out. I want to sit and just cry knowing that it will not take me to the mountain top. Or will it?
Emotions are part of the journey. I’ve hidden mine or they came out in anger. I projected them. I looked to the external world to resolve them. “If only my boss showed me respect”, “If only I had more money”. I had a whole list of if onlys. The if onlys really are either past based or they are future based. They are not the present moment and the present moment is the only place I exist.
I have found it easier to love and accept myself knowing that loving and accepting myself truly is the only love I need and I will stop looking to the external for validation or love. As much as I look inward and love myself I find letting go of “wanting” external people to love me or validate me is a process. It is like I am looking at them to heal the wounds of my past and that isn’t possible or healthy. The answer is loving me enough that it ceases to matter how other people feel about me. It is evolving ever so slowly. I have days that I feel as if I am there – I got it and there are other days that I feel shaky and imbalanced. I long for this part of the journey to be complete.
I find I get angry and frustrated with myself. I know what to do. If I were counseling another person, this would be a breeze and I would have the intuition and the guidance. For me, I may have it but working through it is tough. There has been so much fear in me about all kinds of things that most people take for granted. I have fear about going in stores. Today my grandsons wanted to go to the mall. At first I said no, which is my normal response. Then as I drove past it, I decided to challenge the fear – made an illegal u-turn and went to the mall. Chris, my 13 year old grandson says “I will remember this moment for all my life.” Cool – he is being supportive. I thanked him and he looked me and said “Mimi, you never do anything illegal – you just did. I will remember it!!” Too funny but an example that even my grandchildren understand I am a perfectionist and I have my way of going through life. So the “real” Mimi is being exposed!
I didn’t feel the fear in the mall. Observing that, I found it interesting that perhaps the work I’ve done has brought me to a place of freedom and the remembrance of the fear is only that a remembrance – a habit. So, it was good to find that out today. There was nothing to challenge because there was no fear.
Get back on topic. Since my last writing I’ve experienced the rage deep within me and how easy it has been to feel the rage and anger. I tend to suppress those emotions either by withdrawing or eating. Through the experience of rage I came to see this last wall of protection that I kept up that no one, not even my spiritual partner, could bypass. I had to face the emotions of the night my father tried to kill me when I was 15 and I left home. It was that night that I finally comprehended the hatred my parents had for me from a human perspective. A while back I had this conversation with God as I remembered and experienced those feelings which this wall had kept contained for me.
God: It wasn’t your time. You had a mission to complete. The night your father tried to kill you, how did you feel?
Me: It was the culmination of a lifetime with them. Mother set me up and I was beaten. She disrespected me and was horrible and mean and I was blamed for it. All she had to do was tell him I was bad and I got the shit beat out of me. She set me up with him and he believed her and he protected her all the time. He allowed her to hurt me no matter what. That night I disrespected her by the tone of my voice and that was it. He called me crazy and stupid and told them all to be afraid of me. I would hurt them. He came out to the garage and grabbed the pool stick from me and slammed it against me. Then he took his hand and with the force of a 250 pound man he open-handed hit me in the face. Not a slap. An open hand hit. I pushed him away from me. He grabbed me and threw me against the garage door with his force and he took his hand and started choking me and I couldn’t breathe and this rage came out of nowhere in me and I kicked him in the balls and ran. “She’s crazy” he kept yelling. “Stay away from her. She’s violent and will hurt anyone.” The hurt that night was deep and real. Although I knew this truth already, it was that Valentine’s Day that reality hit me that I wasn’t loved or wanted and that I didn’t matter and that no one cared and I was powerless and everyone believed him. I felt loss and alone. This event was witnessed by my friend Cyndi. She and her mom went to find me but I had run miles and miles wishing to die feeling like dirt more concerned about fighting back then his nearly killing me. I wish he did. So many people, including me, would have been better off. I felt abandoned and alone and I was. I had nobody but me to count on. No one to help me. No one to believe me. It was just me –always has been and always would be. I have me and that is it. That is the recognition of the lesson. I am alone. I am better off alone. I never could get away from him. His pictures posted all over town “Vote for Jack”. The police, the firemen. They all believed him and supported him. It was one of the worst days of my life realizing my life was over. Realizing consciously that I was alone, abandoned, rejected, hurt. I went severely depressed and hid. I hid talking about it. I hid. I never told anyone about the sexual abuse. I took responsibility for the physical abuse – I had bruises and because he owned the city, there was no help for me. I felt I was a nobody and a nothing –a piece of shit.
God: That is very intense for a young girl to go through to face that reality about the value of her life.
Me: I needed someone to stand up for me and there was no one. There never has been. I don’t need it now because I got me and I will protect me.
God: Do you feel how hurt you were? Those tears rolling down your face the ache inside of you. Remember. You talk of the event but you haven’t experienced those feelings. They are very important feelings. It solidified your withdrawal and distrust of all people. You want very much to move past it but deep inside of you these fears and feelings remain. You defended and protected yourself from your father killing you. You knew clearly you were alone and that abandonment raged through you. You cried that night for hours and hours alone. There was no consolation for you. That is the emotion in you tonight. That is the wall no one has ever penetrated. That place where you have to re-experience the aloneness and the abandonment. No one has moved past that wall. Perhaps it is time for that wall to come down.
Me: I don’t know God. That was almost a lifetime away. I don’t know that I can take it down and ever feel safe. I fight for me like I did that night and I don’t know why I do.
God: The veil is being pulled back so you remember the pain and feel it and know the ground zero of how it felt. This is important for you because this is fear. The wall is there because you fear this pain, this loss, and this abandonment. You don’t need the wall. You need to remember what it felt like.
I went through the memory of that experience and truly understood it was time for the wall to come down and taking it down wasn’t an easy task and was very painful. After that night I went to live in a home with people I refer to as my foster parents. She loved me, she accepted me and tried to be there for me but I wouldn’t let her past the wall. Had I been able to, perhaps the journey would have been different after that point. Then again, perhaps the journey happened as it needed to happen.
The wall is down and I’ve reconnected with my soul – a beautiful and strong part of me – the part that was disconnected early on. With the wall down I feel naked and vulnerable – not exactly my comfort zone! With those feelings is a sense of oneness with myself and the Universe. I understand any barriers is out of integrity with my mission and my purpose.
Is it all a bed of roses now? No. I have moments that I vacillate. Perhaps learning to live connected with my soul is an evolution. Every moment is a choice and sometimes I choose it while other times I choose distance. I’ve broken through my cocoon and the butterfly has emerged. I’ve taken my soul and I’m choosing to let it fly.