The journey to wholeness is fraught with peak experiences and valley experiences. It is in the valley of the Shadow of Darkness that I struggle with the most. I can see the peak. I know the peak is there. I know the outcome and yet I struggle getting there. Writing and sharing the journey sometimes is challenging for me because I reveal so much of who I am. I continue because it is important for me to share my truth because hiding has been so much a part of my life. I live illusions that say I have it all together. I don’t. Not only is it healthy for me, but also important for the readers. Some have experiences much like mine and they can be a support or me or this validates them and is a support to them. Perhaps the reader is connected with others who have been sexually abused and then can come to a new understanding if that person. One thing I know for sure, we all are spiritual beings having a human experience and it isn’t what the journey is for us, but how we evolve on our journey.
I took down the wall that protected me from love, from hurt, from more betrayal. I stand naked now without my wall and I have experienced new awareness and feelings. A person in authority over me came in to tell me a change that was happening and how I would accommodate this change. This person has reminded me of my father. He looks like him as a young man, he acts like him and the way he had treated me was like him. A few months ago I spoke my truth to him about how I felt when he spoke in certain ways. Amazingly, things got better. Speaking truth has some positive benefits. The other day he came in with this new idea and, without my wall, I broke down in tears and he just looked at me and I shut the door to my office and had an honest discussion with him about his not showing me value. He heard me and decided not to implement the change.
I felt a little ridiculous crying in front of my boss. I don’t want to be perceived as an “emotional” woman as I am in a leadership role. Because the wall is down, I didn’t have anywhere to hide so I had only the truth of my experience to share. I like the illusions!!!! I am more real today then I was even three days ago. Had I not spoken the truth, he would have followed through on his choice and I would have remained silent and gone into victimhood and resentment. It is a win-win for all.
I’ve been emotional. Without my wall, I’ve discovered that I have this hole in me that will never be filled because it is from the past. This need for love and time and acceptance seems to be a bottomless pit. I’ve chosen not to become emotionally close to people (hiding behind the wall) so this hole was not exposed. I realize that although there are people today who love me, I don’t fully embrace it or trust it because I am looking back to the past where there was homelessness in my soul and hunger for love. I realize I cannot look to today’s experience to fill a void from the past. This came about because my dearest friend says that as much as he shows love to me, that doesn’t ever seem enough and he was right. I had to look at it honestly and this hunger deep inside that I wasn’t fully aware of was a wound from the past.
I understand that I need to allow myself – perhaps my little self – to grieve that loss. It can’t be fixed or disconnected. Grief moves us through the pain into joy. I work is to go through that and recognize that I am loved today in so many ways and it is enough today. The love today is not intended to fill the vacancy of yesterday. Following is my conversation with God
I felt so emotional today. As much as I wanted to be with my friend tonight, I didn’t want it. It has become way complicated. This wall being down has brought new challenges and realizations. The wall kept me from having to see the hole in my life. No one gets close enough to trigger it. My friend has gotten so incredibly close it was causing some issues between us. Emotional intimacy isn’t easy for me. Everything is so weird right now.
God: That wall is down and you feel naked and dealing with issues of nakedness with nowhere to hide.
Me: I know. My friend’s sharing about time and our conflict around it and now this hole and realizing that subconsciously I was looking to him to fill it and he was wondering why it isn’t enough no matter what he does and realizing it is enough and yet it isn’t enough. The emotions tell me it is more a LM issue waiting and waiting to be loved. We have found love and love has found me and if she is waiting she isn’t going to see. She is looking backwards to fill the hole and there is nothing back there. The hole can never be filled. Love has found us. My friend loves us.
God: You are receiving his love that is good. No he cannot fill the past. No one can, nothing can. He can love you deeply today if you accept his love but his love will never fill the past.
Me: I know.
God: You need to grieve the loss. In human terms it was a loss and grieving it is important as you know for joy to come shining forth. Grief is movement and makes room for possibilities.
Me: I know. I just don’t know how to grieve this. If I do it is like giving up and I have to accept the truth.
God: It is giving up. When someone dies there are people who try to keep them alive by setting places at the table, keeping their belongings. They live in constant denial and pain. That is what LM is doing. She is waiting and she needs to move through the grief free of judgment and condemnation. She needs to learn a new way of managing loss and make room for the new in her life.
Me: So work with her as I would work with any other child.
My friend, although male, is a Spiritual Partner and not a lover. Even so, accepting the love of a friend, especially a male friend, is challenging for me. We have a deep soul connection. He has been a gift in my life in so many ways. His love and acceptance has been very important on this journey. Yet, because of the wounds of the past, I still find I distrust him. He understands and is far more accepting of it than I am. I feel when I come to fully love me, that trust with anyone will become irrelevant. Right now, it is a process. I know I am spirit having a human experience. I know that there is a purpose for all of this. I know as I continue to move forward and speak my truth, I will reach the peak of the mountain fully embracing all of me and loving me.