I struggle with hitting rock bottom and experiencing the depths of despair. Facing the ruins of my life is often time very difficult, very painful. Yet it is the places of those ruins – facing the truth of myself – that the greatest work is done for me.
At the ruins it is there I recognize the illusions I live and choose to remove them and face the reality of who I am. I recognize the choices I need to make to live the life I chose to live in this lifetime. It is here where my soul sings out and its light shines and I experience my magnificence.
Then there is the external world which I operate in with authority figures (bosses), rules, traditions, etc. which I’ve struggled so hard against. Struggling isn’t living. My intention is peace within. The external provides me the opportunities to stay connected to center – to my soul. It provides me many ways to see deep within to areas that block the flow of life in me.
I had this situation happen at work about two weeks ago. My boss came to me about a change he would make. I didn’t like it and felt it was another expression of how he devalues me. He heard me and decided to change his course of action. I stood up for myself and my value and that was good. Ever since then I’ve had this experience of feeling guilty about not complying with his request. The issue came up with in a discussion with a friend who was trying to make the issue different from what I experienced. We discussed the subject quite energetically and I felt the anger rising up in me and what I was feeling below that was this guilt that I did not comply and fear that because I did not comply I created a division between him and me and he would not accept me. Keep in mind that he has not said a word to me. These are my own feelings – my should – my programs coming to play.
What I came to understand that it was important for me to take a stand for me as I rarely do it and be at peace with the stand because I am worth it and it was right for me. What was going through my mind was “selfish, self-centered, I create issues, I am the problem, I should be ashamed of myself” and so on and so forth. That needs disconnecting and clearing for me. For me, acceptance came through my being compliant. Had I chosen compliant, I would then be choosing victimhood in my mind in this situation. My friend’s perspective was that acceptance came when I stood up for myself. He is right and yet because of my programs, I saw it differently.
As I open in my journey I see so many ways of thinking and feeling and seeing the world that are inaccurate and different from how people look at the world. It is as if I live in my own world. So I am learning new ways of perceiving the world and interactions. I tell you it isn’t always easy. In this case I learned that it is important to teach people how to treat me and it is up to me to do that with them. There are times to comply and there are times to stand in truth. This was one of those times and he learned from this experience that what I experience is important and I learned that standing for me creates acceptance. Interesting change for me.
With regards to the words: Rather than selfish, I take care of myself first and then I am better able to be present for others. Rather than self-centered I create emotional, physical, spiritual space that serves the best of me in order to be better able to serve humanity. Rather than shame, I feel gratitude to myself for standing up and stating what I needed. The shame would be if I didn’t do that. Rather than insensitive and uncaring, I am treating myself with sensitivity and caring and by doing that I create the energy to live and serve better. I release everything contrary to those words and I am grateful for the experience to bring me to a deeper awareness of me. I trust my intuition as it is the whispers of my soul.