I’ve had an amazing transformative experience last night. Well – this entire process has been transformative. I’ve been working through resisting love. I know who resists love? Well, that would be me. I push love away. The closer one becomes, the harder I push. I want love, yet I push it away. Hmmm. What’s up with that!!!
Through process last night with God I came to understand that I fear having what I want because then it makes it real. Odd – Right? It is unless you look at it from the shadow side of being sexually, physically and emotionally abused. It makes perfect sense.
Reality for all of my childhood and a good part of my adulthood sucked. After going through horrendous physical, sexual and emotional abuse I married a man who physically abused me – oh and I did knowing he would abuse me. I’ve been raped. I was sexually abused by a psychotherapist (a new therapy!!!) So, that is just part of what reality was for my life.
Rather than live in reality I lived in a dream world or a spirit world. This was a world of perfection, joy, love, sincerity – all that I wanted in the real life. If anything came close to making those dreams real, I sabotaged them or pushed them back. I had a belief that reality sucked so nothing in my perfect spirit world could ever be part of reality because then the spirit/dream world would suck. I know this sounds rather bazaar but awareness of this truth has changed me overnight!
It is all so clear to me – how could I have missed it? The fears I live with – fear of both sides of the same issue. Fear of love, fear of not being loved; fear of success-fear of failure. I felt in this catch 22 with myself never moving anywhere. I create – I write books, I develop seminars and workshops, products among other things. I am visionary. The hardest thing for me is to take the vision and make it walk. Now I understand that is because of the double bind of my fears. Far better the joy of spirit – the dream because the old belief was “reality sucks”.
So I now understand I can create a brand new reality. The reality sucks belief belongs in the past. So I woke up today feeling born again – born anew – born afresh excited about the day – excited about creating my life. My challenge right now is patience because I want it all NOW!!
I create a new life which I find joy, peace, fulfillment and completeness. On the eve of Thanksgiving, I am in deep gratitude for this new awakening in the being of me. I feel like my whole body is smiling and there is a child-like joy and enthusiasm.
Have a great Thanksgiving and feel free to share your thoughts with me or what you are grateful for tonight. Of course this is not Thanksgiving for some of you. Feel free to share your gratitude.
Blessings and light to all.