Today is the last day of 2012, the last Monday of 2012. I’ve spent the past few days thinking about the past year and the upcoming year. The year 2012 has been a year characterized by loss, hurt, and pain (physical and emotional). I’ve chosen not to let those things have the last word in my life. They laid the groundwork for transformation. I was in an environment of emotional abuse and it wasn’t until he created loss for me that I chose to stand up for myself and walk away from abuse. I came to understand that I tolerated abuse as I was programmed to tolerate it. Out of that loss came incredible gain – a deeper awareness of who I am, a focus on creating my life, and my freedom. What he intended for my harm, was for my highest good and I received beautiful gifts. Because of tremendous physical pain, I sought help from a doctor and had to have surgery. Out of that experience came a significant reduction in pain and an increase in function.
I can look back at 2012 and allow the loss, hurt, and the pain to define me and define my year or I can look at the beauty that came out of the challenges. The transformation in my life is incredible and there is joy. I’ve grieved deeply and cried more tears than I ever could have imagined myself crying. I’ve loved deeply more than I ever thought possible. I found my truth and within that truth a new vulnerability and out of that a new confidence. I’ve fallen in love with me. I told myself that I deserve better and walked on to a whole different excitement and life. Out of that came renewed promises: I promise to first be faithful to myself, to first love myself, to a first accept myself and to first take care of myself in all areas. Out of the well of self-care, rises the ability to care for others.
I realized today, after an unusual attack of non-specific anxiety (unusual because it has been so very long since that happened) that I still am challenged with needing to control outcomes. It isn’t unusual given an abuse background and yet it no longer serves me. The need for control comes from fear. If there is fear, then there is no peace or love. So . . .
As I look towards 2013, I have no illusions that loss or pain will not happen. What I choose now is to surrender to faith and trust in the natural unfolding of my journey and that knowing whatever happens is for my highest good. As I enter into 2013 I focus on faith and trust, love, peace and joy and living the present moment fully.
Happy New Year!