A few weeks ago I began to work with a therapist using EMDR as a therapy protocol. The decision was difficult because I had gone through many years and dollars in therapy and didn’t really want to start the process over again. Yet, I knew that I needed some assistance with reprogramming my brain so the episodes of PTSD would be less impactful in my life. As much healing as I’ve done, I found there were ways I was still being triggered and it was more and more apparent in my relationships with people – peers and authority.
I pretty much had decided not to connect with people in meaningful ways years ago because it seems that the damage from my past was brought back to the surface creating many issues that left me feeling wrong, ashamed, embarrassed, hurt, etc. The challenge was – it was old behavior learned from childhood and not conducive to present day living. I had to ask myself a serious question. How important it was to work on healing given I am near 60 years of age and most of my life is behind me?
I came here with a mission and that mission encompasses healing from a devastating, abusive childhood. I’ve spent a good part of my life either being abused or healing. I just want to live and yet the effects would interfere with my life and made it difficult to navigate the world of relationships of any kind. In order to help people heal, it is important that the healer also has chosen to undergo a complete healing for herself. At least for me, that is important.
I had somebody ask me to work with them as a hypnotherapist. I asked about her issues and she had extreme trauma in her past. While I said yes, I felt no. My intuition was telling me that I need to refer her not because I couldn’t help her, but because my helping her would hurt me. That was a first for me.
I was experiencing more than a few triggers rather quickly and I was having some PTSD experiences and related to the present day situation from the past experience. I found it difficult to separate the two. A friend suggested EMDR. I found a therapist and we have had 3 EMDR sessions. The first was more exploratory getting baseline information and learning about EMDR. Now we meet every two weeks.
How do I feel? I feel like my brain is scrambled as EMDR is reprogramming the memories. I feel exhausted as the work is deep and the healing continues even after the EMDR session is complete. New triggers come up. My short term memory is not great right now. I get dates and names mixed up referring to Elton John as John Elton and that is the case with many. Yet, I am aware of the energy changing within me and that energy change is positive.
EMDR works by triggering a memory and reliving all aspects of it. Then new thoughts are installed and new beliefs created about yourself in regards to the memory. Those thoughts stay with me. The work is intense, the aftereffects exhausting but so far I believe it is worth it as I am finding some relief in a way that is hard to explain. I am sleeping better, though I am very exhausted. I am grateful for the opportunity to experience this level of healing. It is taking a lot. I believe that I will find the ability to navigate relationships of any kind looking through today’s eyes rather than yesterday’s experience.