EMDR has been an interesting and very healing experience for me. I had no idea how the effects of the healing would influence my life. There was this belief in me that EMDR would help me with being triggered and PTSD which in turn would allow me a more peaceful existence in my world.
Through the process of healing through EMDR, the past two weeks have been challenging to say the least. The triggers have been non-stop and the feelings inside powerful. My brain scramble continues which makes it difficult to function in my everyday world at times. Just to give you a laugh, I will share with you this story that just exemplifies the scramble. I wear dentures. On Easter Sunday, I am driving to meet my family for dinner. I am almost there and I realize that I left my dentures at home!!!! Glad I found that out before walking into the restaurant. I laughed out loud to no one in particular, turned around to go home and get them.
Those triggers and brain scramble have been particularly challenging for my Spiritual Partner. He has walked closely with my deep healing process for 2.5 years and these past few weeks because of the triggers, emotions and brain scramble have been particularly challenging for him. I felt really bad that he had to experience that with me taking ownership for his feelings and experiencing a deep sadness in me. I asked him a week ago if we could get together for dinner and he didn’t respond. So I asked again and he said yes probably Friday or Sunday. Had he stopped there, it would have been fine. He proceeded to go into this long detail about what he was doing training that day out of town which was unusual for a Saturday. I had noticed earlier that there was a concert in the area he was going to and asked if they were going to the concert. He responded with surprise, etc. Then he abruptly got off the phone. I was confused and thought perhaps I had not seen what I seen and let it go.
Every evening I process through issues for healing. I popped back over to Face Book and there it was saying he was attending the concert on that day and I knew he had lied. Being lied to is something that is very difficult to tolerate as is true for most of you out there. I sat there a long time thinking about it. Interesting enough there wasn’t a lot of anger – just hurt. There was a choice to be made. I could say nothing and allow the illusion to play out which would create no conflict. That was my preference. I knew if I let him know that I knew he was lying, that it would make him angry, he would interpret it incorrectly and frankly I wasn’t up for the confrontation. As I continued written process, I was being led to copy the Face Book notice and paste it in process, which he reads every night. I did exactly that and there was no denying the truth. I wasn’t happy he lied to me, can’t imagine that is a fun experience for anyone. More than that I was concerned about why he felt he needed to lie to me and felt I perhaps couldn’t trust anything.
I decided to follow my intuition and leading and pasted the information from Face Book. I had no idea what the outcome would be whether he would walk away or I would walk. One thing I was certain of and that was it would not stay the same.
I sent process to him and I climbed into bed which would turn out to be a sleepless night. It was a night of deep soul searching for me. I could feel his energy as he read through process. More than that I became very aware of me. I knew he would say he lied to protect me but a lie never protects the person being lied to – it does however, protect the liar. I could just be plain angry at him but I was led to a different place. Why did he feel it necessary to lie to me? I knew intuitively I contributed to the experience all though it was his responsibility and choice to lie. There is a deep gratitude within for a spiritual partnership as he walked closely with me for 2.5 years. I felt compassion for him as he has been so much a recipient of the emotions coming from the triggers. Still, while I preferred honesty, he preferred to lie.
My spiritual partner responded in a predictable way to process. What became very clear to me, and this comes from the healing through EMDR, was an unwillingness to carry the dysfunction of the relationship nor to carry his dysfunction. We all have dysfunctional parts in ourselves crying out to heal. So, I was very clear about sharing that with him. I felt empowered. I really wasn’t angry about the lie as I understood it – not justified it – understood it. I cried a lot as I had no sense of continued connection with him. I no longer could feel “wrong” in the relationship or to blame or be at fault. I knew I was doing the very best I could. It was like this veil being pulled back and I could see areas he needed to heal. There are characteristics about me that are very natural which created angst for him and I realized that I couldn’t change me to accommodate his fearful parts within him and I was no longer willing to do it. If what I did pushed his button, then he needed to find the connection.
I felt so free from responsibility for my experience. I felt and feel strong and empowered. I shared with him my intuition and insights and he began seeing connections. I sensed a relief/release in him that he didn’t feel he had to lie to me and there was freedom for him. We have had several days of deep, honest, open communication. I don’t know where all this is going. We are right now spiritual partners and spiritual partners challenge the fearful parts in one another to help the other find their freedom from the hurt and fear in order for them to embrace the fullness of all that life gives. The pain of this experience is deep and yet by willingly entering into the pain I find the fertilizer for truth and wisdom. I am very grateful for the experience that came from this hurt. It would not have happened as it did had I not experienced healing with EMDR that allowed for me to claim my own goodness.