It has been quite a while since I posted here. My external world crashed around me and have lost so much. I am 60 years old and always been employed. In one year, my job at the company I created was removed and I had no job. I was quickly asked to help create success for another company. They changed course and my job was gone. I found out they were crooks and never paid into taxes or unemployment and I was left with no money to survive. I lost my home, my purpose, my independence, my pride and I had to move in with my daughter and her family. With all the skill I have, I am unable to find a job. Guess being 60 is not a good investment for companies. Also during this time a good friend died, and the relationship with another good friend took a dive. The triggers were huge and the PTSD seemed continual. Through doing my work, I’ve moved past to finding more stability in me. I’ve gained my truth as I learn to live in a world without external stability and so find my inner navigator. Through this period, I’ve realized the importance of not living an illusion. So the focus of my blog is changing as I share with you my deep process. It is uncomfortable for me because it reveals so much about healing and yet it is important for people to understand healing.
It was August 12, 2010 while sitting in a restaurant celebrating my birthday with my friend Chuck. The night was unique for a few reasons. Only two months before then I was planning on leaving the company I helped create and walking out of Chuck’s life for good. We had worked and created together for 13 years at that point. I was at peace with it and very happy about my decision. July 1, 2010 was to be my last day there. The new president of the company was a bully and abusive to me and frankly I was done. Chuck was bonded to him and not supportive. I had spent so many years actively healing from the effects of being abused that I felt I could not stay. I ended up staying until a year ago when “released”.
I thought I made it to the place of complete healing at this time. I was losing weight and writing a program for weight release. I felt joyful and content for the first time in my life and work was not fitting into this world I created for myself. Something happened before I could put the plan into action and that was the recognition that Chuck and I were spiritual partners for creative purposes. Indeed our friendship was rooted in many lifetimes with this just being one. What I didn’t expect from that connection was that night of sharing with Chuck some of the pain of the abuse opening to him with truth. We talked about looking past the human experience to understand the depth of experience from a spiritual perspective. What I didn’t recognize at that point was that there were many new levels of healing yet to come pulling back layer after layer. That is the healing process.
There is a knowing deep within me that my journey, my painful journey, has meaning far beyond just my personal experience. We all have a life purpose. The challenge is discovering what it is and staying true to the course so we can fulfill our journey. My journey, odd as it might sound, was to experience brokenness, heal from it and then share the journey with others so that they (perhaps you the reader) can find hope that healing and recovery is possible.
I am in the autumn years of my life and now it is becoming more clear each day that my journey has meaning and that it is time for me to share openly, honestly, and transparently the truth of who I am, what I have experienced and how healing is possible.
For a number of years I have been in deep process. To some who read this, it will make perfect sense. To others, well you might think I’m crazy. Regardless of your thoughts, the reality is – like Neale Donald Walsh – I, too, have had a conversation with God (well God and many others). Spoken with God all my life. We see in our human lives what we believe to be reality, when in fact, reality exists in ways that we cannot see – nonetheless it doesn’t change it’s existence. Most of the time we cannot see the wind, but we know it is there because we feel it or see the results of it’s existence. So too is my conversation in this deep process.
Sharing this with those who choose to read takes me far outside my comfort zone. It takes courage to face the fear of rejection and trust that there is value outside of my personal experience. This move forward is likely the toughest thing I have ever done, yet, it has the potential to be the best choice I’ve ever made as well. I am stepping out on faith – faith that this choice will be of greater value than the fear I feel in sharing.
To put the words that follow into context, I am sharing today my “process” from over three years ago. I, for the most part, wrote this “process” each night for three years. Today I am sharing it with the world. The content isn’t perfect, but as my good friend told me today, “perfection is a shield that I use to protect myself from rejection.” So, I boldly step forward facing what the world might say, knowing that somehow the truth of my journey and healing will find an ear that needs to hear and a heart that is open to the beauty of healing. My journey is far from over, but today I know that I am sufficiently healed to take this step forward. EMDR will pick up for me after the first of the year when focus can move from basic need survival to reprogramming.
The words that follow (posting beginning tomorrow) over the next few months are over three years old, yet they chronicle the truth of my past of sexual, emotional and physical abuse, the effects of that abuse and the healing journey I have been on.
The question I leave for you is are you willing to take a healing journey for yourself? Healing is like pulling back an onion and finding deeper truth and deeper pain and deeper healing. Listen to your soul and see if you can find some meaning in your life. Please feel free to comment. Some of this may be triggering for some of you and allow that to be and be present with yourself. Take care of you and I welcome you to my Process. See you tomorrow!