Healing from Sexual Abuse – A Transformational Journey – Part 4

Thank you for being a part of my journey today.  I continue sharing my process from 2010.  Thank you for your comments.  I appreciate you.  This is not easy for me to do and yet necessary for me to share the truth of my healing journey.  I haven’t read these since writing.  I am very grateful for my healing.  I hope by sharing this it will help others as it helps me.  Though my prison was created by the choices of my parents, I’ve set myself free by my choices that has moved me from victim to victor.

Entry 4:

A few days have gone by since I’ve connected.  I needed some time and space to rest and to eat before we move on.  There have been different emotions today.  I don’t know how to separate it all out.  I took a nap this afternoon and had a dream about mother.  Some child had gone to her and told her how mean I was and I kept saying that I wasn’t mean.  My mother glared at me and put her arm around the child and suggested they go to another room where the child could tell her without my “butting” in.  I was furious.  I knew I would be beaten and I didn’t do anything.  There were other little children around and a man walks in and they run to tell him that I didn’t do it.  He wasn’t listening and they kept saying “she didn’t do anything”, “listen to me”, “she didn’t do anything”.  I couldn’t wake up.  I kept fighting to wake up so the dream would stop and go away.  I finally woke up in a foul mood.  Angry and crying and disappointed.  So much for a restful nap!

It has been important to have him in human form to do some of my processing with him.  Now, I need to ask him to stay in spirit and let me process with him so I may learn more for my higher self rather than my human self.  I don’t know what that looks like or feels like.  I want a spiritual cleansing and believe this is one way to find it.

Me:  Dad, will you agree to stay in spirit while I process regardless how angry and hurt I appear or how I believe I may need you in human form to justify my feelings?

Dad:  I agree.  I believe it is important for you for your process to see a different spiritual perspective.

Me:  I sense your presence with me.

Dad:  I am here.

Me:  I am finding I feel angry with you.  It is anger around my throat and mouth.  Perhaps, it is there because I need to speak it.

Dad:  What are you angry at?  Really angry at?

Me:  I am angry at you and mother for treating me the way you did leaving me with the carnage.  Then you guys up and die.  What’s up with that?

Dad:  Our purpose was served.  There was no reason to continue on the human journey. You had come to a place in your journey accepting the abuse.  It was time for you to begin the healing process and my being in human form interfered with that process.  The ways we developed in behaving with one another was deeply ingrained with both us.  You needed me gone to heal and my being there wasn’t making it easy for you.

Me:  It did help for you to die.  I’ve always felt guilty about that, you know.  There was a part of me that wanted you dead to be taken out of this life and stop abusing me.

Dad:  How does the guilt serve you?

Me:  Guilt controls me.  Keeps me attached to the past and completely embracing my life.

Dad:  Is that what you want?

Me:  No.  I want it to leave me.  You sit in spirit form and have no issues with guilt or responsibility.

Dad:  That is right.  It is finished for me.  It took my death to finish it for me.  You can finish it before you die and have the rest of your life free.

Me:  It is hard for me to process while you are in spirit form.  My feelings seem empty to me like there is no energy to them.

Dad:  That says a lot about spirit doesn’t it.

Me:  When looking at everything from a spiritual perspective the feelings changed.

Dad:  Yes they do.  When spirit infiltrates the soul everything changes.  It is the human form that wants to hold on to grudges, pain, rights, entitlement.  The challenge for humans is to move through them to spirit.  That is where you are at this moment and why there is this struggle for you.

Me:  I feel responsible to validate not only myself but also all those other people who have endured abuse as children.  Somehow I feel if I move into spirit I invalidate their process and that isn’t fair to people who have not walked out their journey yet.

Dad:  You are not responsible for all the victims of the world.  You are responsible for yourself.  The choices you make on your journey impacts everyone in the entire universe and will touch even those beginning their journeys.  Perhaps this will help them in their journey.

I am sitting here sobbing and I don’t even know why.  It is pain and grief and sadness.  I don’t understand the tears.  There is so much feeling and emotion right now.

Dad:  It is okay.  Let the tears flow.  As you often write, tears are diamonds.  They are precious and allow you to move forward.  Your tears are allowing you to let go and that is exactly what you want.

Me:  You never allowed me to cry growing up.  You said it was a sign of weakness and would threaten to beat me for my tears.

Dad:  I did in the human form.  As a human I did not understand the value of tears.  In spirit, I understand that tears are a gift from God for us to let go of whatever is going on inside whether it is sadness, hurt or joy.  Tears are an expression.

Me:  I wish I knew that growing up.  I wish I could have cried and received comfort.

Dad:  In human form I couldn’t give that to you.  I love you.  I value you.

More tears.  All my life I wanted to hear him say he valued me and I was worthy.  They aren’t tears of joy as the words are painful to me not comforting.

Dad:  You are experiencing loss and grief right now.  It is important for you to grieve to move through the process.  Much was taken from you.  You lost your childhood.  You felt unloved, alone and abandoned.  You’ve spent your life trying to find love and value.  You’ve looked everywhere but inside of yourself.

Me:  It is hard for me to grieve because intellectually I know I can never go back and fix the past and regain my childhood.  I lost so much of my life.  So many people learn their value from their families and I had none.  Zero.  Flat.

Dad:  Those people define their value based on performance, other’s opinions.  What happens, as you have said so many times, those people and things are taken from them?

Me:  Some are left without the feeling of value; some are not.

Dad:  The point is that you need to define your value.  Your value comes from who you are.  When you are in alignment with who you are and spirit, how do you feel?

Me:  I feel great.  I feel centered.  Even my body feels in alignment.

Dad:  And it shows to everyone around you.  You bring laughter and joy and love.  Right?

Me:  Yes.  People are drawn to me.

Dad:  Yes.  That is your value.  They aren’t drawn to you and you feel valuable.  You feel valuable and they are drawn to you.  Your value is your intrinsic worth.

Me:  I understand but how do I find it.

Dad:  It is you.  It is the expression of God through you.  It is your openness to truth and the expression of that truth.

Me:  It is like the soul we are born with is our value

Dad:  Yes.

Me:   I have waves of anger that keep coming up towards you.  It is almost impossible to process with you in spirit form.  Somehow I want you in human form – my equal – to fight with.

Dad:  How would my being in human form help you?  Does it keep you attached to the anger?

Me:  I guess it does.  It is my right and my responsibility to be angry with you!  How does it look to other victims/survivors of abuse if I gave up that right?  How would they feel if they knew I gave up that right?  Would they feel invalidated or wrong or dirty?  Will they feel guilty or worse yet will they stop healing?  I feel responsible.

Dad:  You do want to heal the world.  It isn’t up to you to heal the world as one person.  You are part of the universe and together the universe heals the world.  What if you are a light to other travelers on this earth to follow?  What if you provide a deeper way of healing for the world?

Me:  I don’t know.  In reality what matters on this journey is me.  I’ve always used anger as my defense.  Perhaps it no longer serves me.  Perhaps it keeps me from moving forward.  There is energy in anger.

Dad:  Letting go of anger is up to you.  There is energy in love and peace as well.  Love and peace allow you to live the life you are supposed to live.  Anger, as much as you are entitled to it, keeps you from living your full life.  There is a time and place for anger but don’t let it be your compass.

Me:  You didn’t protect me and keep me safe from harm.

Dad:  In human form I did not.  At a higher level, I fulfilled our agreement so you could experience being one with the universe and learn to move forward through great suffering.

Me:  That you did.  You truly did.

Dad:  Angry again?

Me:  No, resolved.  I am confused with my feelings.  If you fulfilled an agreement with me to create great suffering for me to find my way through, then I should be full of gratitude towards you and I don’t yet.  If this is true then I should feel guilty for being mad, sad, and whatever.

Dad:  In time it will work itself through.  Why would you feel guilty?

Me:  I’ve been fairly mean to you.

Dad:  Not really.  You’ve just had to work through a lot of stuff to find your way to the light.

Me:  Perhaps.  Here is a question for you.  What did you come in human form to learn or did you come strictly to provide me my lessons?

Dad:  It isn’t time yet to answer the question.  You have more to process.

Me:  Like I said.  It is hard for me to process with you in spirit form.

Dad:  You have spent years, many years, of your life in therapy to even be able to come to this point today.  Do you still want to process it in the same way?  If so how does it serve you today?

Me.  I guess it took me so long to remember everything and to feel secure enough to move forward that I have a fear this will send be backwards.

Dad:  You are doing fine.

Me:  I just want to honor myself.

Dad:  Are you honoring your pain, anger, hatred resentment by believing it is easier in human form?  Do you really honor all of who you are?  Does that not keep you trapped in the mire of your experience always taking you back to the same place always reliving those moments?

Me:  Those were my moments and my experience.  They are my feelings and you took them away from me once and I WILL not let you do it again!

Dad:  So, how is that working for you?

Me:  Very well thank you!

Dad:  Really?  I am not asking you to give up your feelings.  I am only asking you to see your experience from a different perspective.

Me:  I want you to fight with me.

Dad:  Because that was our human relationship.  That isn’t all there is to our relationship.  What are you fighting against?

It is hard to process with him in spirit because it forces me to see it more from a divine perspective.  When I do that I feel guilt and shame.  I feel very ashamed of myself and feel like I deserved everything that happened to me.  It is either he is bad or I am bad.  There is nothing in the middle.  In human form he is bad.  In spirit form I am bad.  I don’t know how to reconcile it.

Dad:  Let it be.  No one is bad and no one is good.  They are experiences that you are no longer experiencing.  In human form I did you great harm and that is my responsibility.  In human form you have hurt others as well and that is your responsibility.  In spirit form it is all part of a bigger and wonderful plan.  There is no room for judgment of one another or self and there is no room for shame.  You did nothing wrong.

Me:  I wish I could just let it go.  I thought I had and it is all back now.

Dad:  Tell me how it affected your life.

Me:  I am sure you know how it affected my life.

Dad:  Tell me how it affected your life.

Me:  I guess the biggest way it affected my life is with my relationships particularly with men.  They are absent in my life right now except for Chuck or people I work with or grandsons or son-in-law.  Well, guess men are pretty much a part of my life aren’t they!

Dad:  I would say so.

Me:  It is not natural for me to trust a man.  I always believe there is an ulterior motive that is not being communicated.  I believe they will hurt me.  Right now Chuck is a big part of my life and I trust him, but part of me is wondering when he will walk away from me.  Forget sexual intimacy.  That was taken from me by you.  I thought the only value I had was in doing sexual favors and therefore had a lot of sex and it wasn’t a whole lot of fun.  What the fuck am I talking with you about my sex life!

Dad:  I am in spirit.  Sex is a big deal for you and in my human form I stole that precious part of you.  It would make sense that sexual abuse affected your sexuality.

Me:  This is surreal to me.

I had a lot of sex as a way to related with me, to control men, to not feel the emotional pain, because I didn’t feel I had a choice, because that was my value to men.  Oh, it also created distance between them and me.  I never submitted myself fully.  There was no way I could.  They submitted themselves fully!  I quit having sex many years ago.  Now, I think about it as a possibility of expression of love and closeness.  I am older now and very much overweight.  Not sure that will be a possibility in this lifetime.

Me:  Your abuse of me affected my self-esteem.  I felt like all my life I had to apologize for taking up any space or breathing any air.  There was a time if people walked by me and started to laugh, it was because they were laughing at me.  I never thought it could have been something they were discussing.  That doesn’t happen anymore.

Dad:  Yes the abuse affected your self-esteem.  In human form I ripped it away from you so you would not have any sense of self-worth.  In spirit, I kept to my agreement to tear you away from your soul so you would have an understanding of the value of self-worth.

Me:  Good job.  It worked.  Although not nearly as bad today, my self-worth, my value is still tainted.  I give the illusion to most people that I am incredibly self-confident.  Inside, though, is fear and dread and not feeling like I ever am good enough and not measuring up to expectations.  This gets played out daily at work which they reinforce my low self-esteem.

Dad:  It isn’t you, you know.  What do you need to finally live in your own value?

Me:  By living in my own truth and trusting that I am an expression of God – the center of my universe.

Dad:  Yes.  How can you get there?

Me:  Conscious choice?

Dad:  Yes.  Look at your heart and see how your heart views the world.  See the love that emanates from you and love yourself.

Me:  I don’t feel worthy of love.  If someone loves me, I feel grateful for that love as if I am nothing without it.

Dad:  If someone loves you, accept that love and love back.  It is ok to be thankful for love not because you are unlovable, but because there is love.

Me:  I’ve always felt fat and ugly even when I was anorexic and young.  I’ve never felt pretty.

Dad:  Your beauty is in your soul and in the eyes of the beholder.  Look inward and let your light shine and radiate.  When you do, your eyes light up and your face lights up.

Me:  Men look at the body and not the soul.

Dad:  Not true all the time.  It isn’t about what men think anyway.  It is only about you.  If men don’t see your beauty, then it is their loss.  Your capacity to love is great.  Your loyalty is amazing.  Your compassion is beyond most imagination.

Me:  When James left many years ago, I went to him and begged him to stay with me.  I told him he could beat me and have sex with other women.  Please don’t leave me.  I had a great fear of abandonment.  I never felt I belonged anywhere or was connected to anyone.  I no longer fear abandonment as much and I guess it just isn’t necessary to feel like I belong.  Therapists have told me that the way I feel and talk is like someone who was adopted.  Was I adopted?

Dad:  No you weren’t adopted.

Me:  I used to think I was as a child growing up.  I used to pretend I had a real mother and father out there who loved me and I would just wait until they found me.  I rationalized the reason you and mother didn’t love me or want me was because I really wasn’t your child.

Dad:  It helped you to survive to believe that fantasy.

Me:  It did, actually.  How sad is it, though, to have to believe in an illusion because my life was so painful.  I always felt so abandoned by you and mother.  I didn’t know that word as a young child.  Then, I felt left out of everything and so not connected.  Do you remember my being away at camp and I would come back excited to see the family only to find out that you left me to take a family vacation?  Was I not family?  I felt so sad and abandoned and had to pretend it didn’t matter.  I still deal with that kind of stuff today.  Why didn’t you take me with you?

Dad:  In human form we found you challenged us and it made being a family more difficult.  In spirit, I can tell you that it was just another level of stripping away your self-worth and disconnecting you from you.

Me:  That hurt me all my life.  What happened is I never believe anyone will stay in my life and they just will easily move on because I am so difficult to be with.

Dad:  So what do you do about it now?

Me:  I choose to move past the fear.

Dad:  Good.  So it doesn’t keep you trapped anymore.  You were able to move on and find a different truth because you are worthy.

Me:  I am fearful of driving over bridges and high places.  I am always afraid I am going to drive myself over the side and I won’t be able to stop it.  That fear you placed in me.

Dad:  Do you believe you have little control in your life?

Me:  Yes, sometimes I do.  I fight for control.  Sometimes I want to control everything just to ensure that nothing bad happens.  I try to plan for every eventuality that you taught me.  It is so exhausting.  I am better now.  I understand that I can only do what I can do and the rest is up to God.  Just this weekend I realized I need to let go of outcomes.  If I make the right choice, the outcome will be good.  The problem is sometimes I want an outcome that isn’t necessarily going to happen for me and I don’t know how to just let that be.  It makes it sad for me.

Dad:  The more you let go of control you find control – the right kind of control trusting that the outcome is for your higher good even though it might be different from what you want.

Me:  There is that trust word again.  So hard to trust when my soul has been shattered into so many pieces.  How can I trust the outcome is for my higher good?

Dad:  Trust is a choice that only you can make.  Trusting God, trusting human, trusting spirit that no matter what occurs it is for your own good.

Me:  I know.  It is hard for me.  Your abuse of me affected that very core that very central part of me.  Trust is fragile.

Dad:  Continue trusting.  It is all worth it.  You are worth it.

Me:  I am back to feeling sad again.  Sad for my loss of trust.  Sad that I don’t have the ease of trusting.

Dad:  It is better now, though.  You have chosen always to trust and to move forward.  It doesn’t feel easy for you, but you do it.  Every day you do it.  You choose every day to have the best day.  You don’t stay home in fear as you once did.  You choose trust.

Me:  I want to feel the comfort of safe arms around me.

Dad:  Feel the comfort of God’s light and warmth around you.  Let those be the comfort you seek.  Seeking from human form is temporarily fulfilling at most.

Me:  I am so cold again.

Dad:  You always get cold when you feel emotion.

Me:  I prefer not to feel.

Dad:  I know but your feelings free you from the effects of the abuse and allow you experience a different reality.

Me:  I am feeling hatred for you.

I don’t know why I moved into hating him.

Me:  I am sorry for hating you.  I hate what you did even though I am beginning to understand a little bit about the agreement.

Dad:  You don’t have to be sorry.  This is a process for you that you are moving through.  You are grieving as you process through all this again.  You are experiencing loss of what happened and also experiencing the loss of an identity based on being victimized from me.

Me:  Maybe.  It is so hard dealing with you in Spirit.  I want you there, because I do want to move on and integrate all this.

Me:  It was so hard to parent my own daughter.  I knew I didn’t want to raise her like you and mother raised me, and I didn’t know what to do.  I bought so many books to read so I could raise her to be happier and more centered than her mother.  I did my best and it still wasn’t good enough.  I wanted her to accept herself and her feelings.  I thought it was good for her father not to be part of her life because she wasn’t getting abused.  However, the effect of that is her feeling abandoned from her father.  I feel so guilty.  I did my best and still fell short in so many ways.  She knew I loved her though and she felt a part of life even though it wasn’t the best life she could have wanted.  My inability to stay grounded was huge for her.  You affected her and you affected her children.

Dad:  The effects are long range.  What I want to you to see her that even though you weren’t protected, you protected your daughter.  Even though you weren’t loved, you loved your daughter.  Even though you did not have good parenting, you were able to provide better parenting.  You taught her to value herself.  Were you a perfect mom?  No, you weren’t.  Your intent was to love and show compassion and give her some direction.

Me:  I wanted to be a perfect mom.  I wanted her to have all that I didn’t and I failed.

Dad:  No you didn’t fail.  You did great.  Everyone has issues to work through in their life.  Had you been perfect, it still would be imperfection.  When spirits choose a human experience, they choose lessons to learn in that experience.  No matter how perfect you could be, there would still have to be lessons for her to learn.

Me:  It is such a source of pain for me.

Dad:  Can you forgive yourself for your imperfections?

Me:  I don’t know.  Forgiveness is huge for me.  I can forgive other people, not just me.

Dad:  Forgiveness of others and self is essential for the lessons to be learned fully.

Me:  It has taken me a lifetime to be able to make choices with any kind of confidence.  To me no matter what I chose, it would be the wrong choice.

Dad:  If you make a wrong choice, then you choose differently the next time around.

Me:  You had me believe there would never be a next time.  You had me scared to death.

Dad:  Now you know different.

Me:   Is mother with you.

Dad:  Not right now.

Me:  I am glad she isn’t there.

Dad:  I know you are.  There is going to come a time that you will need to work through those issues with her.

Me:  I don’t want to talk with her.  She hurt me so bad.

Dad:  No more than I did during my human experience.  She loves you.

Me:  I just don’t know that I can deal with it right now.

Dad:  You are a strong and courageous woman.  How could it be any different from speaking with me?  In human form, I hurt you so much.

Me:  I don’t know why it is different.  Maybe because she was so cruel and demeaning and set me up for your abuse.

Dad:  She is respecting your desire to not have her present.  You feel really scared of her don’t you?

Me:  I do and I don’t know why.  Her anger and her rage were crazy and very frightening?  She tied me down.  Did you know that?  She tied down David, too.  I thought it was my imagination, but not so long ago he told me.  She seemed to take so much joy in my suffering.  Her humiliation of me was horrible.  Her shaming was painful.  She hated me.  Her words of telling me she wished I was never born and would have been an abortion if they were legal.

Dad:  She was playing her part well with you.

Me:  I feel sick to my stomach.  I can’t deal with this right now.  Just don’t let her stay.

Dad:  She isn’t here right now.

I feel myself shutting down.  Just the thought of her being nearby causes me to shut down.  I feel trembling inside.  I don’t fully understand it and I am okay not understanding.  I failed my mother terribly as a daughter throughout my lifetime and then at her death.  I wanted her to suffer as I had suffered as she laid dying.  Yet, I didn’t want her to suffer at all.  How unfortunate her death experience was – so much pain at someone else’s hands.  She experienced what I experienced during my lifetime with her.

Me:  I am tired.  I just don’t think I can stay connected with you right now.  I am going to bed and I want to sleep.

Dad:  Ok.  I will still be here when you are ready to return.

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This entry was posted in EMDR, Emotional Abuse, Loving Self, Physical Abuse, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Transformation and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Healing from Sexual Abuse – A Transformational Journey – Part 4

  1. Reblogged this on Motivational Speaker – Chuck Gallagher Business Ethics and Choices Expert and commented:
    My dear friend Mary Auda has bravely stepped to the forefront and is sharing her process of healing from Sexual Abuse. One in three women encounter some form of sexual abuse…so feel free to follow Mary’s blog posts and perhaps it will help you on your journey to a transformed life.

  2. Pingback: The Question As How To Serve… | We dream of things that never were and say: "Why not?"

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