It’s Monday night. Have quite the headache. Seem to have a lot of them right now. Wish they would go. It has been a long day and emotional. Such a busy day at work. I am grateful for my job. Part of me wants to hide out and just not connect with anyone. I prefer that, you know.
Dad: Glad you are back. You’ve have a lot to say.
Me: Yes, I do. I just don’t know where to begin.
Silence. He sits there silently. Waiting for me for what. What to talk about about. I am tired and a little annoyed with how people can perceive me without checking it out. There is truth though and I am all about truth right now!!!!
Spirit Dad: I love you. Can you receive my love?
Me: It isn’t easy you know. I feel your presence though. And yes it is warm. I want to relax and just trust you and let you take care of me like I wanted as a small child and you didn’t.
Spirit Dad: I know. You can trust me because I’ve spoken truth with you and I kept our agreement. It may not have been a “fun” experience. You can trust that I had your best interest because of what you want for your life. I loved you enough to risk it all with you.
Me: In human form you did not know that, though. So, how could you have done what you did for me and call it love. How is it that if we have no memory of an agreement that we can fulfill spiritual agreements?
Spirit Dad: We are spirit experiencing humanity. Our spirit enters into the body and all that has been with it past and present is incarnated. It is like being imprinted. It is like being coded in your soul and it is passed on to one another. You chose the imprint of strength, courage, truth and it was my imprint to challenge that to allow your soul to reach your higher purpose.
Me: In a weird way that make sense to me.
Spirit Dad: And as you heal and submit to your higher self your imprint will touch the world – everyone you meet and don’t meet. You participate in healing the world.
Me: Wow. That is some heavy stuff.
Spirit Dad: Yes – simplistic and deep – just the way you like it.
Me: I wish you were still here so we could have the satisfaction of getting to know one another.
Spirit Dad: That would not have been possible in the human form. We have now. How are you feeling?
Me: I am in awe, actually.
Spirit Dad: Spirit is awesome!!
Me: It almost feels like there is nothing more to say about the experience.
Spirit Dad: There is plenty to say. Sit quietly for a moment and see what comes?
Me: I had this dream last night and the number 68 kept coming up? Do you know what the significance of that number is?
Spirit Dad: Keep looking for the truth of 68. Where did those numbers manifest themselves?
Me: In the forest where an old recluse man was cutting down trees and carving these magnificent animals out of the wood. They were glorious and real. I wanted one and picked one up and it was 68 dollars although only the number 68 was on it. I kept walking around this very large tree stump with these raw, wooded figurines on them. Everyone I picked up had the number 68 on it. I kept telling him that was too much for the figurines. I wanted one but 68 was too much. He was gruff and kept repeating 68. There was no movement from 68. It was very frustrating. I had to keep moving on and I wanted a figurine to take with me on my journey but 68 was too much.
Went to bed on that one. Early now but need to write more.
I think I am attached and committed to my experience as a victim of abuse and that is the prison I find myself in at this very moment.
Spirit Dad: When you are attached to anything it becomes your jailer. There is no freedom in attachment. Letting go of the attachment frees you to your higher purpose. Holding on keeps you imprisoned.
Me: I know. I find it difficult to sever the attachment. The object of our affections as children are our parents. I didn’t have healthy attachments to them. The attachments were through the abuse and that is my source of love and identity.
Spirit Dad: Yes. Well said. When there is a healthy childhood the child naturally grows into an adult and the attachment to the parents changes, breaks and they move on into their life. For you, you’ve never disengaged.
Me: I wonder why. It seems so sick and crazy to remain attached to the abuse.
Spirit Dad: That is judgment. Can you look at it as an experience rather than a judgment?
Me: I don’t know. Perhaps it is the bad/good thing I get locked in to.
Spirit Dad: No, it is about judgment. How is that attachment to abuse serving you today? How does it meet your needs and how does it keep you from living?
Me: It is my identity – my value, perhaps. I didn’t experience love so I don’t have that as my identity. I’ve identified with abuse as my parent.
Spirit Dad: Remember that you chose this experience so you can know the depth of suffering. That is not the end of your experience. You want to know the depth of suffering to know the depth of love and life and joy that comes from suffering. If you continue in your attachment to your suffering, you will not complete the experience.
Me: I didn’t realize that I was attached to my suffering. I thought I had moved on. Guess that is an illusion.
Spirit Dad: You’ve done an outstanding job. Letting go of the attachment is a choice you will have to make. If you choose it, you can have the opportunity to complete the rest of your experience. If you choose to remain attached to suffering, then that is all you have.
Me: A lot to think about today.
Another day of challenges. I really just want to stay home and not interact with people at work. I felt on the verge of tears all day. So emotional. Feel so disconnected from life. It is like life is moving and all these scenes are playing out and I am spinning and watching.
Spirit Dad: It is okay to feel what you feel. You’ve denied feelings, rationalized feelings, intellectualized feelings, displaced feelings. Now you are owning your feelings and experiencing them. You are okay and you will process through them.
Me: I don’t like to feel so much. I am very uncomfortable with feelings.
Spirit Dad: I know. It really takes longer to process through without the emotions.
Me: I am tired.
Spirit Dad: Rightly so.
Me: I am grieving and I am not sure what I am grieving. There is this feeling of a deep loss.
I am struggling with myself tonight. I feel angry and want to fight again. I have all this energy pent up in me and just needing expression. It is late and I took the dog for a walk in the dark. No lights. I just needed to get out some energy. I found myself not caring what happened to me. It was like that night in Oregon when I was angry with mother and walked down to the ocean. I just wanted to give up and swim until I drowned. I was so tired. It was 1968. I just wanted to die and felt so alone with no one to care. That night must have left an impression on my aunt. She would tell me a few years later that she felt very scared that I was going to kill myself. She went to my mother who told her to let me go. My aunt thought that was a little weird but didn’t want to go against my mother. No one wanted to go against my mother. Obviously I chose to live. Felt like the world was too big for me to carry. I hated myself and I am feeling that tonight. I am feeling self-loathing. Where is that coming from? Where is the self-destruction coming from? I don’t want to deal with mother. I really don’t. I feel like the world is too big to carry right now. I just don’t feel like I can go on sometimes. I just get tired and everyone expects me to carry them. Such sadness. Am I angry in order to move away from sadness. When will the sadness end.
Spirit Dad: It will end when it is time for it to end. You’ve walked away from it for so many years that it just became stronger. It is time to experience the sadness fully and let it become a gift of life for you.
Me: I just don’t want to feel it. I feel like it will kill me and take my life.
Spirit Dad: It won’t. I promise.
Me: The feeling is self isolation because no one could possibly understand. Who wants to be around someone who feels so sad?
Spirit Dad: You don’t want to be around yourself with these emotions. What scares you?
Me: Facing the pain scares me. It reminds me of feeling so alone and scared like the times I used to hide in dark closet pretending I didn’t exist and then no one could hurt me.
Spirit Dad: Yes you had different places to hide inside yourself and outside yourself. Look how brave you are. You are not hiding inside or outside and the pain is tremendous.
Me: I don’t want to see the reality of who I am.
Spirit Dad: What do you mean?
Me: I don’t want to face my ugliness and pain and abuse.
Spirit Dad: That is the attachment. The reality of who you are is your truth, your divinity, your love. You don’t want to see that?
Me: It is easier for me to see myself as bad.
Spirit Dad: It is an illusion.
Me: I know you talked about the attachment to suffering as my identity because I didn’t have the healthy love of parents. Intellectually I just want to sever the attachment and move one.
Spirit Dad: You always believe it is that easy. Yes you want to sever the attachment. Could you consider being a little more gentle with yourself and allow yourself to grieve and gently let it go. It has been your identity and your parent for your lifetime.
Me: I never saw that, you know. I don’t suffer anymore unless I am caught up in the experience of the abuse.
Spirit Dad: I know, but it is still part of you. Can you talk about the value of remaining attached to the abuse.
Me: I don’t know if it is the value, but it was all I knew and without it there is emptiness. There is nothing to replace it with. What is there in my life right now? I don’t have parents. There is no life partner. The kids are growing up.
Spirit Dad: Those are diversions. What can you fill the space with?
Me: Loving myself. Finding joy in me. Centering on God – the universe allowing them to be my teachers. Gratitude. Abuse no longer has to be my teacher. I do listen to God.
Spirit Dad: I know you do but you keep it apart. You keep your life compartmentalized don’t you?
Me: I guess I do. It is like having the experiences of the different parts of me unintegrated.
Spirit Dad: They are coming together now and merging – bringing God, light, warmth into the experience and it will change it.
Me: I feel disconnected from you.
Spirit Dad: I know. You are moving away from me. I love you completely and wholly.
Me: Love hurts. Love is pain.
Spirit Dad: Then change the meaning. Fulfill your purpose. You give love to others. Does that hurt? Is it painful? Is it abuse?
Me: My intent is to love unconditionally, deeply. I don’t want people to feel the pain of isolation or separation.
Spirit Dad: And do you love yourself unconditionally?
Me: No. I don’t. Haven’t ever thought about it or considered it. I always thought there was nothing of worth to love and that other people were more important.
Spirit Dad: You know what you have to do now, don’t you?
Me: I don’t want to.
I feel this scared and hurting little part of myself. I have to deal with my mother and it is way too painful.
Spirit Dad: The only way to move past the attachment is to embrace the experience fully. It is your choice.
I just sit here and cry. No news on that one. He is right.
Spirit Dad: Get the poem
Emotions are confusing Loving Hating Wanting You lying there in pain Hurting Crying Wanting
I don’t know what to do
Where were you when I needed you? You were hurting me, You were making me cry You were creating a deep hole of want for a mother’s love.
You lie there – your body aching and hurting As I did so many years ago at the hands of your abuse You lie there – crying tears of despair and loneliness As I did so many years ago as a result of your abuse You lie there wanting for someone to care to change your life As I did so many years ago alone in the dark
I am sorry for your pain – your tears – your want These are gifts to you
I could just tell you to don’t be stupid and grow up. Just like you did to me I could just tell you you brought it on yourself Just like you did to me I could ignore you Just like you did to me I could just tell you to stop crying or I will give you something to cry about Just like you did to me I could just tell you to forget about it Just like you did to me I could just tell you that you’re crazy Just like you did to me I could just tell you I am leaving Just like you did to me I could just tell you I wish you never were born Just like you did to me I could just tell you that you deserved it Just like you did to me I could just watch you as you writhe in pain Just like you did to me
I remember writing that sitting next to her hospital bed after her accident before she died. How cruel am I. I didn’t show it to her. I stayed present for her, but I saw justice in her suffering even though I couldn’t tolerate her suffering. I feel so guilty. She was so alone.
Spirit Dad: Your mother is here.
Me: Make her go away.
Spirit Dad: It is time. Remember to move forward you have to take it all in.
Me: You have each other and I have no one. Why are you doing this? I hate you.
Spirit Dad: I love you and we are finishing your journey strong. What do you see right now?
Me: I see light and it is getting brighter.
Spirit Dad: That is right. You mother is here.
Mother: I’ve waited a long time for us to talk. I won’t force it.
Me: Don’t talk to me like you care or that I matter to you. We both know differently.
I completely break down sobbing. I hold myself and rock incessantly, eyes close and the tears flowing so much. I feel scared and pain. I want her to go away. No words to describe. Only feelings in the body and the soul. Wretchedness is a word that comes to mind. I feel so small. Why did she have to show herself? Why did he allow it? I feel myself disappearing. Another wave of tears, deep tears. Where are the words? There are no words. I don’t think I can do this. I don’t know what to do or what to say. I want her gone away from me.
Spirit Dad: Feel the angels surrounding you sending you light and strength. You are so loved and are center of divinity. You have never been alone.
Me: I can’t do this. I’m sorry. It is too much for me.
Spirit Dad: You don’t have to carry it all yourself. You only think you do.
Me: I have no words. I can’t talk.
Spirit Dad: The words will come. What are the pictures?
Me: Dark. Hot. Cold. Dark. Curled up tiny in a ball. Scared. Dark. Lonely. Alone. Abandoned.
Spirit Dad: You are in the light and the angels surround you and sustain you with their love. They will stay holding you until you are ready. Your mother is still here.
Me: Hand smothering my face. Her whole hand trying to smother me.
Spirit Dad: Yes. You didn’t die.
Me: Oh yes I did. I died inside and died over and over and over and over because of her.
Spirit Dad: And here you are full of tears that seem to be ongoing. That isn’t death – that is life overflowing.
Me: I can’t do this right now. I have to go to sleep. I am so tired.
Spirit Dad: Okay. We will stay with you. The angels surround you. Choose you. This is for you and about you. Choose you.
Me: I have to sleep.