Healing from Sexual Abuse – A Transformational Journey – Part 6

I didn’t feel anymore rested than when I went to bed/ I feel so much emotional pain.  I keep getting pictures of my mother hurting me.  The inside tightens up.  I am so tired and I don’t want to do this.  I really don’t.  It is scary and it hurts too damn much.  I don’t want to do this.

Spirit Dad:  We are here with you.  You are not alone.

Me:  I don’t want her here, do you get that?

Spirit Dad:  We hear you.

Me:  Does it matter what I want?

Spirit Dad:  You could choose to go away and we would still be here.  You could choose for us never to talk and we would still be here.  What you really want is to work through all this and right now you are very scared.

Me:  Are you aware of the pictures and the pain?  Are you aware I shut down when she is around?  Does it matter to you?

Spirit Dad:  I am watching the pictures.  Shutting down is a choice.  You have it within you to choose to stay open.  Dig down deep and find it.  You are very courageous.  This is what your soul wants Mary Lynn.  It is what it has been crying out for all of your life.  It is what has been hidden away by all the distractions you create.

Me:  Please don’t call me Mary Lynn.

Spirit Dad:  Mary Lynn is a beautiful name and it is perfect for you and it is you.

Me:  She used to say it so disgustingly like it was dirty or mean.  She made me use that name just to control me.

Spirit Dad:  Her spirit was reminding you of who you are.

Me:  Dirty and mean?

Spirit Dad:  No, your name.  That is how you would know us.

Me.  Give me a break.

Spirit Dad is silent.  He seems to be waiting for something from me.  Me, I just want to fight with Spirit Dad.  I just don’t want to connect with her.

Spirit Dad:  By connecting, you can really disconnect.

Me:  I don’t feel safe.

Spirit Dad:  We are not in human form.  We cannot hurt you.  We do not want to hurt you.  We want to help you complete your journey and the only way to do that is to fully connect with both us and find the answers you truly want.

Me:  I want my freedom

Spirit Dad:  Yes and this is the way to your freedom.

Me:  I shut down when I have to deal with anything about her or around her.  How productive is that?

Spirit Dad:  Shutting down is a choice.

Me:  I am tired.

Spirit Dad:  You want to avoid the pain and the work.

Me:  Isn’t that okay.

Spirit Dad:  For some it is, but for you it is not what you want.  Close your eyes and listen for a moment:

Spirit Dad:  It is a beautiful warm day in the forest.  Everything is alive and fresh and every moment is a new moment.  You and your mother and me.  We are all there.  We are laughing and talking and sharing experiences and desires.  We are all very close in spirit.  There are no issues of trust vs mistrust or pain or suffering.  It is freedom and peace and joy and love.  It is everything you long for and separated from on earth.  You shared with us what you wanted and asked us to help you with that.  We were so honored to be part of the journey with you.  We did not have a script to go by.  We didn’t know how it would play out.  It was like improv.  Because of our great love for you, we wanted to share the experience.  We were motivated by love and not hatred.  The expression of our love in order to facilitate your lessons, was horrid for you.  It was horrid for us.  We were committed and dedicated to you first and always.  Did you ask specifically for the experiences you got?  No, but it is the way we created your experience.  We have great love for you.  You were a very important part of our trio.

Me:  So what am I supposed to do with that?  It ties it up for me so why process.

Spirit Dad:  To find your way back.  To complete your journey.  To be the light for others to follow.

Me:  It hurts.  This is painful.  Can I not just say it is what it is and it was part of this great plan?

Spirit Dad:  No.  Your journey will be circumvented by doing that.  What do you want?

Me:  I want freedom from pain.  I want to feel safe.  I want to feel connected.  I want to experience love.  I want my life to matter.  I want to make a difference in the world.  I want people to experience freedom and live the life they are meant to live.  I want them to be intrinsically who they are supposed to be.  I want people to see the light and not to feel so alone.  I want them to know someone has walked the path and done it well.  I want them to find their courage to move past their experiences and not let them define who they are.

Spirit Dad:  Can you do that if you don’t work through your issues?  Would you have integrity to teach do as I say and not as I do?  You lived a crazy making life.   A mother who always kept you in a double bind, humiliating you, degrading you, beating you.  A father who raped you and beat you and humiliated you.  And all that was going on while to the world we looked like a normal and happy family.  When you come through this you will be more centered and grounded than you ever thought possible.  People will truly look at you as a mentor and a leader much more so than they do now.  How wonderful it will be for people to hear that you truly understand their journey because you walked it before them.  Everyone’s journey is different.  Suffering is suffering.  You understand being ripped apart from your soul and finding your way back.  You understand pain, physical, emotional and spiritual pain.

Me.  I get it.  I guess I am not very good at being the traveler.

Spirit Dad:  You are doing great.  Let go of judgment of yourself.  Just allow yourself to experience it all without running from it, without compartmentalizing it for yourself, without distracting yourself, without  having to define it.

Me:  I don’t feel as if I am doing great.  Mother is present and look at the amount of food I ate to keep me from feeling and to provide me nurturing.  She does that to me.  I nurture myself with food when I have to deal with her.

Spirit Dad:  You could change that if you wanted.  You could open yourself up to her for knowledge.  You can open up yourself to her so you could feel and forgive yourself.  You have so much anger and hurt towards.  She can’t hurt you now.  She only has the capacity for love.

Again, I want to hold on to all that I know.  It is weird like choosing to hold onto the pain, the abandonment, the fear, the rage.  For what?  It is only hurting me and making me feel bad.  Do I have the courage to face this woman?  Do I have the courage to share my innermost thoughts with her and with him?  I remember that day many years ago in the restaurant after my sister lost custody of her daughter.  My brother and mother blamed me and I didn’t have a clue why.  My brother and sister stopped talking to me and I stopped talking to them.  I really didn’t mind it that way.  Staying in contact with them only perpetuated the pain and the abuse.  That day in the restaurant with my mother in San Leandro.  We were talking and she told me how much I had hurt my brother and sister and tore them apart, etc.  I listened and then put down my fork.  I looked her in the eyes and asked her point blank if she didn’t think for a moment how much they have hurt me.  I saw this look of surprise go through her eyes and she said she didn’t think I was capable of being hurt.  It totally blew my mind and gave me the understanding that my feelings were meaningless to her and that truly my sole purpose was to be their scapegoat.

Mother:  I know that I hurt you very deeply during our human experience together and that you are suffering very deeply.

I am silent. So she is silent.  I break the silence first.

Me:  You hurt me completely and deeply and I suffer so much because of it.  You were my mother.

Mother:  Just becoming a mother doesn’t make you a mother.  I wasn’t prepared to be a mom.

Me:  Cop out.  Who is ever ready to be a parent?

Mother:  I was young and had no clue about anything.  I had always been taken care of by my parents being the only girl and all.  I wanted out of the home and I married your father and I bit off more than I could chew.

I am tired and don’t want to listen.  Inside my head I hear this “la la la la la la la la la la” in a very loud voice.  This isn’t going so well.  My frightened parts are very frightened right now.

Me:  You sound like you are making excuses.

Mother:  No excuses – just explanations.

Me:  Why did you want to abort me?

I figure as painful as this is, it is the safest place to start because it is in the open.

Mother:  In human form, I didn’t want to have another child at that time.  I was young and my hands were full with your brother.  I didn’t know what to do as a parent or even how to parent.  I wanted to have fun and here I was at home with two very young kids.

Me:  Why did you tell me that you wished I was never born and you should have aborted me?  It is one thing to think about it and another thing to tell your kid about it.

Mother:  I would get so angry with you and the words would just come out of my mouth.  In spirit, I was giving you what you asked, the feeling of not being wanted of being abandoned.

Me:  You were so mean to me.  I can’t even talk about it with you.

Mother:  That is okay.  You will soon.  It is important for that to happen for you.

Me:  I never felt wanted or loved or connected.  I felt abandoned in darkness.  Those were the gifts you gave me.  I still feel those things as a 57 year old woman.  That is so pathetic!

Mother:  You are judging your experience.  You are far from pathetic.  You are a woman who has endured so much cumulative pain and still is walking and talking.  You are a far stronger woman then I ever could be in human form.  That is a result of the trauma you have experienced.

Me:  You were a bitch.  Mean, evil woman.  I never wanted to be like you.  You tried to infiltrate me with your evil and I wouldn’t let you.  You beat me down over and over in so many ways.  You humiliated me in front of people.

I remember being a 6 year old little girl.  We were getting ready to have a Bluebird meeting at my house.  My mother was the leader.  We were going to make these Santa Claus faces on apples.  Part of the decorations was gumdrops.  I loved gumdrops.  Even at age 6 I ate unconsciously.  Food was the only nurturing I got.  I wasn’t fat, but wanted to eat.  So without even thinking I ate the gumdrops.  Mother was furious and screamed so loud at me how I ruined the whole afternoon and the group would not have any activities and it was my fault.  I cried and that was the wrong thing to do as it gave her more power and more rage.  She told me to take off my uniform as I was not worthy to wear it and made me stay in my room in my slip.  The girls came, and my mother’s rage did not subside.  Her need to exert control was tremendous.  She came down to my room and ordered me out to the living room.  I wanted to get dressed and she wouldn’t allow it.  She marched me down the hall and I had to stand in front of the fireplace in my slip.  Mother said “tell the girls what you did.  Tell them how you ruined the entire meeting today and because of you they won’t have an activity.  Tell them,” she yelled.  I had tears running down my face and just stood there.  Her rage wasn’t subsiding and so I told them.  I felt so embarrassed and ashamed.  She made me stand there and I couldn’t go away.  I remember the other mother there just looking at my mother with a strange look, but she did nothing.  That left a profound imprint on my life.

Mother:  In human form I expected you to be perfect.

Me:  No kidding.  I was a kid.  Perfection wasn’t going to happen.  Beating it into me, hurting me, humiliating me was not going to make a difference.

Mother:  You are so right.  It was important to me that our family looked good from the outside.  You had to be perfect to fulfill the happy little family.

Me:  So, I had to be perfect and no one else did.  It was completely up to me to make the family look like a perfect little family.  You couldn’t be perfect so you took it out on me.

Mother:  Yes.

Me:  So when I wasn’t perfect, you could blame me for that as well and your reputation was kept in-tact.

Mother:  It was important in human form to maintain the illusions of being a happy and stable family.

Me:  What a freaking lie.

Another night has come and gone.  She is still here and I still don’t want her here.  She is an energy thief.  The memory of her is an energy thief.  I wanted so much for my mother’s love.  She never said it and I never felt it.  I used to play and sing a song on the piano growing up-“Sometimes I feel like a Motherless Child”.  It was a song that connected with my heart.  I sometimes would play it so she would hear it so she would know how I felt.  If she heard it, she never let on.

Me:  Do you know how much I kept seeking love in my life?  I kept compromising myself if someone would just love me.  It was never enough because I had such an empty vessel.  No one could fill it up even God.  I always felt there was some deficit in me and that I was totally unlovable.

Mother:  You were looking for love in the wrong place.  True love is found within.  It will never be enough until you find it within.  It is important for you to find that love as it is part of reconnecting with your soul.

Spirit Dad:  Part of our roles as human was to keep you separated from that truth to experience feelings of desolation.

Me:  I don’t know how to find it.  I don’t value myself and that seems to be the foundation for loving yourself.

Spirit Dad:  Your value is in your intrinsic self – truth, love, peace, wisdom, compassion.  It has to begin within you and transform you to reach the world.

I just don’t get how to do it.  Other people value themselves.  How did they learn to do that?  They learned it from their parents and other people and then it just became who they were.  I didn’t get that from my parents.  My attachment was to abuse.

Spirit Dad:  You are getting it now from us.  We are teaching you your value.  All you have to do it to accept it and believe it.  We are providing you a different framework.  You are so valuable and so loved that we agreed to provide you this earthly experience.  We didn’t have to it.  We did it because we value you and your experience.  Find your alignment with truth.

Me:  Must I first deal with this abuse stuff?

Spirit Dad:  Yes.  It is critical to moving past it rather than just shelving it or intellectualizing it.

Me:  I am fighting the process because I don’t want to experience the pain.

Spirit Dad:  Experiencing the pain is healing.  It provides you strength that you can’t possibly imagine.  I am so proud of you for staying present and not dissociating or running from it in other ways.  It is important we all talk so you can heal.  The things hidden in darkness must be brought into the light.

Me:  I know.

Spirit Dad:  Connect with your courage and your strength.  Those are strong within you and developed as a result of the abuse.  All of your life you have those companions even if you were unaware of them.  They will not forsake you now.  They are part of who you are.  People are drawn to that in you.

Me:  I don’t feel strong and courageous.  I feel weak and scared.

Spirit Dad:  You are talking with us and opening on this journey.  That takes a lot of strength and courage.  You could have chosen to finish your life as it was going.  It wasn’t a bad life, but it would have been an incomplete life.

Me:  It is time for me to prepare for work.  I don’t want to be there with people.  I just want to be alone and have people away from me.

Spirit Dad:  We are with you.

Me:  That is what I am afraid of at work.  I have to be on my toes and aware of everything and I am tired and feel so bad.

Another day passed.  So hard to get to work this morning.  I kept running through red lights.  I felt so disconnected and not grounded.  I am so tired and just don’t know that I can work here tonight.  What to say?  Whenever I sit here to right I struggle with keeping my eyes open and it doesn’t matter what time of day it is.  I am wanting to shut it all out and not face the pain.

Spirit Dad:  We love you.  Can you receive our love?

Me:  I feel it somewhat.  I am not sure what to say tonight or where to go with this.

Spirit Dad:  What was your day like?

Me:  Working and pretending all is well with me.  Talking with Chuck.  Strange how disconnected I feel with him today.  It is like he isn’t present and yet he is.

Spirit Dad:  That is okay.  You need the energy for yourself.

Me:  It is hard when sacredness is ripped away.  We are all born sacred expressions of God’s love.

Spirit Dad:  That is so true.  It is sad for sacredness to be torn away.  Yet, when sacredness is torn away you can see the depravity of humankind and make choices to find your way back.

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This entry was posted in EMDR, Emotional Abuse, Physical Abuse, Prison, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Transformation, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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