I am very tired. It was a long night for me and a long day. I have been avoiding coming back here to write. The energy of last night was so frightening and so painful. I didn’t get lost though. I was able to find my way to her and the way out. I am so strong and courageous. I have to tell myself that because sometimes this work is so overwhelming and I want to stop. How can I stop? I can’t. The risk of being forever lost or having parts of me lost is too great. I can bear the pain and move forward.
Spirit Dad: What are you feeling today?
Me: Tired. Sad. Angry and I am not sure I am ready to deal with it. It almost feels useless to discuss it with you because we always get back to the agreement. How can I ignore the suffering and torture that went on. I won’t invalidate myself that way.
Spirit Dad: It isn’t for you to invalidate. Completely the opposite is true, validate yourself. Validate your pain. Validate your journey. Just continue moving through it to embrace your complete life.
Me: I used to take a knife and stab my dolls pee hole with it and stab at her eyes. It used to make mother so angry. Did either one of you stop to think that was a little abnormal for a little girl?
Mother: In human form I just thought you were being destructive. I saw it as evidence as you being bad.
Me: It was like a knife inside me. It was like cutting me. The eyes were so they couldn’t see.
Mother: I know. Now you can see. Now you can hear and now you can speak. No more hiding. Only the truth to be let out. The truth sets you free.
Me: Hear no evil. See no evil. Speak no evil. Your mantra to me. Do not ever discuss outside the home about what goes on inside the house. Protection of yourselves
Mother: Yes. We couldn’t let anyone know what was going on in the house. There were the other children to protect and your dad and me:
Me: I know. Everyone else but me. You took me to psychiatrists and I wouldn’t even talk with them just like I was supposed to. I sat quietly in the air and went away. Everyone kept telling me that my parents were worried about me and I wasn’t sure who they were talking about. Hear no evil. Speak no evil. See no evil. Why did you take me to the psychiatrists and then not let me talk?
Mother: I wanted them to fix you. It was the right thing to do. Friends told me to take you.
Me: It was a waste of your money. Silence always won out.
Mother: Money wasn’t a concern.
Me: You took me to the doctors who looked at my privates and saw the irritation. It hurt so bad. You told me they said I had to take better care of my privates and wash them better. Seriously? I remember how much I hurt there and how sometimes it was hard to walk.
Mother: You were completely alone and you moved into the darkness.
Me: Where was I supposed to go? There was no one to protect me or help me? My cries for help was interpreted as my being bad or crazy. You did an amazing job.
Spirit Dad: Where are you right now?
Me: I am not sure. I feel a little absent. Like I want to fade out.
Spirit Dad: Choose to stay present. You need to be fully present to work through this.
Me: I feel like it doesn’t matter what I say or do. That is always how I felt all my life. I would try and make it different, but it always ended up the same way.
Spirit Dad: That was your belief system based on the effects of the abuse.
Me: If I stay in the darkness I can’t be hurt, I don’t feel, I don’t have the pictures.
Spirit Dad: You don’t have your life. You are strong and courageous and can do this now. You are listening to old programming.
Me: What if I just let go and there is no connection. What if I just do that?
Spirit Dad: That is exactly what is important for you to do. You are doing it gently and in perfect timing. What you are talking about is severing all connection to spirit to soul to people as if you want to disappear.
Me: I guess part of me wants to disappear. Really, I want to stay present and be accounted for. I want my life and my experiences to count for something. I don’t want to be defined by how much I suffered. I want to be defined by standing in my own self-integrity. I want to love much, experience much, heal much. I want to be a guidepost for others on their journey – a witness for them as I am a witness for myself. I really just don’t want to feel the pain.
Spirit Dad: Pain is good and one day you will let go of the pain because you have learned all that you can from pain. That day is very close. You have glimpses of it now. Pain is a gift a testament of healing. Remember your foot. Whenever you are experiencing great pain in it or feel it isn’t supporting you, what do you say?
Me: I say it is getting ready for a big healing.
Spirit Dad: The same is true with emotional/spiritual pain. You experience it and there is a huge healing. Look what happened last night. You found a part of yourself and moved her to the light. That is so amazing. You rescued a part of yourself and didn’t look to anyone to help you. You’ve come a long way.
Me: I know. Why is it so important to remember and to feel?
Spirit Dad: Because you live. Because you can tell the story of how you moved from suffering to freedom so others may have a guidepost to follow. To gain wisdom and understanding. To learn to let go and embrace your own magnificence.
Me: I spend a lot of time whining about the pain don’t I?
Spirit Dad: Humans do that. They believe if they feel pain and sorrow it will last forever and they will die. That is so far from the truth. Think how many moments you have lived in your lifetime and how many breaths you’ve taken. Not all those moments were filled with pain and sorrow and heartache. There were moments of joy and contentment. Remember the day Jocelyn was born? How did you describe it?
Me: I described it as a peak experience. I fell in love with her and knew no greater love than the love I felt for her.
Spirit Dad: Was their pain and sorrow in that moment? Did you even recall the pain of labor?
Me: There was no pain and sorrow. You are right. All the pain of labor was gone. I knew I had experienced it, but the joy and love of the birth of Jocelyn replaced the physical memory of it.
Spirit Dad: You needed the pain of labor to get you to that moment, right?
Spirit Dad: You remember the long labor and the pain, but the intensity and the physical memory is gone. Just consider this emotional pain as labor preparing for birthing you.
Me: Wow. It isn’t fun, but the outcome is awesome.
Spirit Dad: The outcome is in process. More present now?
Me: Yes. I choose to remain present throughout this process understanding that the disconnection comes from the frightened parts of myself.