Another 24 hours.
Me: I want to die.
Spirit Dad: Why?
Me: I want to finish the job you and mother started.
Spirit Dad: That isn’t the job we started. We started in spirit with you lovingly accepting your request to be part of your journey. That was the beginning.
Me: And this is the ending.
Spirit Dad: It isn’t how the story goes and you know it. You are wanting to stop the pain once and for all.
Spirit Dad: It isn’t time yet. You’ve made it through so much in your lifetime. You never physically died and you could have with all the choices you made.
Me: I want to give up.
Spirit Dad: Then give up. Give up control. Give up intellectualizing. Give up compartmentalizing. Give up rationalization. Giving up those things are good and you will find your greatness.
Me: I hurt so much.
Spirit Dad: I know you do. Hurt. Feel the pain. You will live through it.
Me: That is what I am afraid of – living.
Spirit Dad: You are not fully present, are you?
Me: No, I am not. I really am experiencing the fragmentation tonight. I can’t seem to hold it all together.
Spirit Dad: You are doing fine.
Me: I didn’t get fired today for my mistake. I didn’t get yelled at, beaten, or punished. What do you think about that?
Spirit Dad: That is great. You are creating for yourself a new experience.
Me: You guys ridiculed me, beat me, humiliated me for mistakes and they just accepted it. Of course, once they think on it they might change their mind.
Spirit Dad: Are you angry with us?
Me: I am very angry with both of you and I have no right to be angry because I’ve asked for this experience. I guess I am angry with myself and I have no right to my feelings.
Spirit Dad: You have every right to be angry with us and that is where your anger belongs. It doesn’t belong on you. Give up being angry with yourself. You were a child and we violated that child. Give up perpetuating the abuse. Give up the fight and just live.
Me: Do you know how bad I feel right now? I can’t even find the words to say how bad I feel – how much pain I am in. How dark it is and how alone I feel.
I’m sitting here crying. Crying like I’m dying. Crying like there is a death I can’t comprehend. Crying. I can’t explain it to anyone. How do you describe desolation that looks like a town after an atomic bomb goes off and there is shattering everywhere and you are the only person there. Alone. The desecration is catastrophic.
Spirit Dad: Yes it is catastrophic and you can rebuild. Don’t give up on yourself. You are the miracle. You are the love people seek. You break down barriers most people walk away from. You see the heart of a person and their pain and you risk everything to meet them there. You are the light in their darkness that they seek. Give up and you give up on the world. Give up and the darkness remains for so many. Be the light. Choose the light. Choose you.
Me: I am not sure I am going to make it through this.
Spirit Dad: You will if you want to make it through.
Me: What if I choose to die? Does it really matter.
Spirit Dad: Yes it does matter. You matter. You are worth fighting for. Fight.
Me: I feel so guilty and I don’t know why.
Me: The boat accident was my fault. Don died because of me.
Spirit Dad: How was it your fault?
Me: Because I wanted to have one more boat ride that night in the dark. The stars were shining above. It was warm outside and I wanted to feel the speed of the boat and I kept saying faster and faster. Then we crashed. It was like being in some weird nightmare. I ran to him and held him and he died in my arms with his blood all over me and I couldn’t make him live. If I hadn’t asked for that one more ride just to have fun in the dark, he would have lived.
Spirit Dad: It wasn’t your fault.
His voice is quiet and calm. I look at him.
Me: I tried to make him live but his head was almost cut off. Mother kept screaming and screaming and sister and Gladys just wigged out. I didn’t know how to save his life.
Spirit Dad: It wasn’t to be saved. This was his death scene. His time to move on and it had nothing to do with what you wanted or didn’t want. Every kid wants to have fun.
Me: He died because I wanted to have fun.
Spirit Dad: What is the full picture. You know it because you lived it and you were told by your mother.
Me: He and mother were having an affair and he was kissing her neck and she was enjoying it.
Spirit Dad: That is right. So maybe it is her fault?
Me: No. It isn’t her fault. That wouldn’t have happened except I asked for the boat ride.
Spirit Dad: What else do you remember?
Me: You, mother and Don were drinking. You wouldn’t allow me to tell the police that part.
Spirit Dad: That is right. I was passed out drunk in the bedroom and they were behind the wheel of the boat. You did amazing that night. You are so great in crisis.
Me: Do you know what it felt like telling Don’s wife that he was dead? You were too drunk and mother was cowering in the corner of the floor and sister and Gladys were being taken care of by the neighbors. It was horrible telling someone their husband had died. The police and the ambulances. The ride to the hospital. Mother’s screams. Your withdrawal.
Spirit Dad: In human form I didn’t know what to do. You handled things so well.
Me: The doctors gave everybody medicine to sleep and I couldn’t sleep. I would doze off and feel the crash and see the blood and there was no one to comfort me. Mother was in the hospital and you kept drinking yourself into a stupor. Then we fly home and mother is admitted into the mental hospital because she can’t cope. The newspapers had a field day with it. You all expected me to carry on as if nothing had happened. I had to manage the household and take care of you and my siblings and go to school. It was too much and then the one day I broke down and couldn’t handle it, you wanted to beat the crap out of me. You didn’t because Michael stopped you. He protected me from you and said no more. You expected me to be super human when you could provide nothing to no one. I was it. I had to support mother who wasn’t coping and you because you weren’t coping. What about me? Who comforted me? No one. Absolutely no one. I took it because I believed I deserved it because it was my fault for wanting to have fun.
Oh god. I thought this was past me. I feel his blood all over me. Somebody died because of me wanting to have fun. Somebody lost their husband and father because of me. I am so sorry. I had no intention for that to happen. I didn’t think it through clearly. I didn’t look at all the possible consequences. I feel so guilty and so responsible. I’m sitting here sobbing and the grief is so hard. I am so sorry. I wish it would have been me. I am aware of my mother and father on each side of me touching my shoulder.
Me: I didn’t want to cause problems. I am so sorry.
Spirit Dad: It wasn’t your fault.
Mother: It wasn’t your fault.
Me: Then whose fault is it?
Spirit Dad: No one is to blame. It happened as it should. We all played a part in it. Humans want to blame. Somehow it makes them feel in control and therefore don’t have to experience the feeling of vulnerability. We moved on and you didn’t.
Me: I had to take care of everybody.
Spirit Dad: In human form, we did make you responsible to carry it all. We did that with you all your life which is why you could carry it all which is why you are so strong and capable.
I can’t stop crying. It is as if this just happened. Where was their compassion when I needed it.
Me: I have to talk to Don and tell him I am so sorry.
Dad: You can do that if you want to if it makes you feel better.
Don: Mary, you were so gentle with me that night. Holding me in your lap even with my blood covering you. You put your jacket around me. You helped me when I left the body. You heard the whish sound and the gurgling sound and the body was dead. I saw you there. I was able to guide you back to the dock. I saw it all play out. I saw you gently telling my wife about my death. I know you didn’t want to, but you did. You were the only one capable to doing that.
Me: I am so sorry that I wanted to take that ride that night. I am so sorry I couldn’t save your life. I am so sorry. It should have been me.
Don: It happed as it should that night, Mary. I am so grateful for your strength and courage to get everyone through it. It wasn’t your fault. You were a child and wanted to have fun. You laughed a lot that day on the boat. You were so free with the wind blowing through your hair. We had so much fun that week with you guys there.
Me: I’m sorry.
Don: It was my time to die. I experienced a traumatic death and I am fine. The body didn’t make it, but I made it. You being there was perfect because you could help deal with the aftermath. It is time to release the guilt and forgive yourself.
Me: You died. I caused the death. How do I forgive myself?
Don: By knowing that what happened that night was way beyond your control. By knowing how you contributed to the sanity of the night and helped everyone through it. Because you don’t need to carry it anymore. It is finished. It was my destination that night. The body died doing what it loved to do – boating. What a gift to die in exhilaration rather than from some illness. It wasn’t your fault. If you believe it was, then forgive yourself. You are worth forgiving.
Me: I’m sorry.
Don: In human form I was leaving my wife and children to be with your mother. They didn’t have to endure that separation and loss. Your father didn’t have to deal with the betrayal of his best friend. Many souls were saved that night. It is time for me to leave. Thank you for holding me when I took my last breath. In gratitude.
Don is gone. I’m glad I could talk to him. I never thought about talking with him before. Never crossed my mind. It was good to speak with him. He was a funny guy and warm. He was so rich and yet so kind. So different from my father. I feel so sad.
Spirit Dad: Do you understand now?
Me: A bit. I just need it to sink in?
Spirit Dad. Can you release the guilt and forgive yourself? Forgive God?
I’ve been holding on to so much. My body doesn’t feel as if it can contain anymore. I had never thought that there was value to be present in his death and there was. I feel this whoosh sound release from me and a piece of this guilt energy releasing. I did a good job that night even though it was tough.
Spirit Dad: Time to call it a night. Time to sleep. Rest. We stand with you. Be free in your sleep knowing you are safe.