Healing from Sexual Abuse – A Transformational Journey – Part 10

Spirit Dad:  How are you this morning?

Me:  Full of grief.  How can I make it through this day?  I feel lost.

Spirit Dad:  One moment at a time.  You’ve been through a lot.  Just allow yourself to be imperfect.  Breathe through it.  You will be fine.

Me:  You and mother always told me I ruined everything and it was always my fault.  I felt as if I contaminated everything and everyone I came in contact with.  Even the dream last night where I got shit all over everything.

Spirit Dad:  We told you that because we had to ensure that we didn’t bear the responsibility in human form.  We couldn’t risk looking at ourselves as being bad so you carried it.  You don’t contaminate anything.  Quite the opposite.  People are better off because they know you.  You create wonderful things.

Me:  When we got back home after the boat accident and Michael came over.

Dad:  You were wanting to run from the pain.  You have kept running.  Sex, drugs, alcohol, food.  You’ve stopped.  You started making different choices and face the pain.  It isn’t an easy choice.  You are doing wonderful.  All you have to do is choose to stay with the process.

Me:  So, Chuck read this again tonight.  My intuition is to share with him the imperfect me – this journey.  Is that right or am I off the mark?

Spirit Dad:  It is very important for Chuck to participate.  I know it is difficult for you but this is as it should be.

Me:  Why?

Spirit Dad:  Because he is a very important part of this stage of your journey.

Me:  I wish I knew why because I am not completely comfortable with him being this close to my experiences.

Spirit Dad:  He is to be this close.  Let the answer come for you.  You already know part of it and are not hearing it.

Me:  I don’t want to hear it.  Doesn’t make sense to me based on who I am and what I know.

Spirit Dad:  He may choose to walk away and / or you may choose to walk away.  Those are your choices.  It is very important for him to stay in this process with you.  You will just have to trust that without having full knowledge.

Me:  OK.  So this is the real me.

Spirit Dad:  For today it is.  You are being transformed by fire because you are fire.  You are so different than you were a few weeks ago – since yesterday even.  Chuck is, too and I am not sure he realizes that yet.  Don’t push him away.

Me:  Ok.

Spirit Dad:  So how are you doing?  Still want to end it?

Me:  Part of me does.  I hurt so much and cry so much and it is so exhausting.  Taking everything off the shelves and looking at it is painful.  There are new perspectives and I am grateful.  Painful to continue the journey.

Spirit Dad:  Is it more painful than if you kept everything shelved?

Me:  Some of it is.  It was a lot of hard work to keep it all organized and contained.  It took a lot of energy.  Guess I was so busy managing it and managing the external Mary that I didn’t have time to live or experience life.

Spirit Dad:  That is right.  It takes a lot of effort maintaining the illusion.  You remember well how you suffered because the family maintained an illusion in the community.

Me:  I felt lost and alone and scared.  I longed for somebody to see me to see my pain and rescue me.

Spirit Dad:  That is right.  Isn’t that how it is with you maintaining your own illusions?

Me:  Yes, I guess it is.

Spirit Dad:  How are you feeling about the boat accident?

Me:  I am grieving but with a new perspective.  I feel this weight lifted knowing it wasn’t my fault.  I carried this all my life and now I can release it.  It isn’t my burden to carry.  I gave him a lot in his death.

Spirit Dad:  Yes you did.  You have the capacity to be present for people in their dying experience.  That is unique you know.  You don’t do it for yourself; you actually do it for the other person.

Me:  I didn’t know I was doing that with Don.

Spirit Dad:  Your spirit knew.  Good job by the way.  It is finished.

Me:  I guess it is.  I guess it is up to me now to release it and replace the space with something new.

Spirit Dad:  Yes.  How do you want to release it?

Me:  I know this sounds like a cliché, but I want to reach in and take out the pain and let it fly away like a dove.  That is the picture.

Spirit Dad:  Then do it if it is meaningful to you.

Me:  It is because it is about transforming pain and fear into peace and love.

Spirit Dad:  Is the boat accident box empty and you’ve cleaned everything related to it off the shelf?  Is there anything else that needs to be said or experienced?  Meditate on it.

Me:  There is more to be said to you and mother.

Spirit Dad:  Ok.  Then say it.

Me:  It seems so trite now, but I want to make sure it is finished.

Me:  Mother, I understand in human form you were a weak woman.  I know you hated me and hurt me.  Yet it was me that you confided in with regard to the affair with Don.  Could you not just keep that to yourself?  I was a kid and he was my father.

Mother:  You always seemed so much older and wiser than your age.  I had no one else.  I knew you could keep secrets.  In spirit, who else would I confide in but my spirit friend.

Me:  It increased my burden.  It made a terribly painful time heavier.  The fact that you fell apart and were taken care of in a hospital was crap.  You were the mother but once again I had to step in for you.  I was there for you and you never were there for me.  I was alone and that is a lot of shit for a young girl to carry.   You were the mother.  You should have been the strong one holding everything together.  You or father should have been the ones to tell Opal her husband was dead and to make sure Nancy and Gladys were taken care of.  You fell apart and father was drunk and it was just me to manage.

Mother:  Yes, in human form I wasn’t present as a mother.  I couldn’t bear the responsibility.  I was ill prepared to do so.  Just because a person becomes a person, it doesn’t instantly make them a mother or father.  Don was my way out of the marriage.  He loved me.  He had money and I could finally be free of your father.  That night, my hopes died and in human form I gave up.  You did such a great job – so well prepared.  You managed it better than many adults.  Do you realize that is a gift?

Me:  Your choice to abdicate your responsibility as a parent made me responsible.  I knew he was your way out.  I felt sorry for you.  It is hard to go on when hope dies.  I know only too well, but I’ve always chosen to go on and be the adult.  I never thought my ability to manage crisis was a gift.  I will have to process it.    I never told father about it.  I protected your secret.

Mother:  It doesn’t matter now.  It was as it should have been.

Me:  Father, it sucked that you were lost in your usual alcoholic stupor.  As a father you were to protect your family.  You couldn’t do that because of the booze.  Why didn’t you step in?  I remember running up the stairs into the house screaming to call for an ambulance and you just stood in the doorway the truth not reaching you through your alcohol haze.  I had to do that.  You couldn’t even help with that small little task.

Father:  You are right.  I wasn’t present and couldn’t help anyone out because I chose to hide in the bottle of booze.  You did a great job.

Me:  I looked around for help and there was none.  Mother cowering in the corner and you drunk.  It was me.  I did an outstanding job that night.  Outstanding.  I held a man as he died covered in his blood.  I told a woman her husband and the father of her children was dead.  I called for help.  I kept Nancy and Gladys taken care.  I had the ability to do it all only because the two of you wouldn’t.

Spirit Dad:  It happened as it was supposed to happen.  You have that inner strength – the rock to stabilize any situation.  That is a gift and you had the opportunity to express it.  It strengthened you.

Me:  It took away my ability to have fun without the worry that something terrible would happen.  You allowed me to carry the guilt – both of you.  I shelved the incident and it has affected me my entire life.

Spirit Dad:  As humans we could not face the guilt.  It is natural for humans to walk away from the reality of the truth in order to sustain their belief in their own goodness.  You didn’t walk away from it – you walked into it blaming yourself for a lifetime.  You understand now the burden of guilt and that sometimes there is no one to blame because it happens as it should happen.  We had the illusions of our goodness and you had the illusion of your guilt.  Both not real.  You have taken it off the shelf.

Me:  Mother, my graduation present was to visit his grave.  Seriously?  It was just you and me driving there so you could say good-bye to him.  That was a graduation present to yourself.  I had a lot of compassion for you and I went to support you.  Amazing, isn’t it?  You couldn’t be supportive of me my entire life, but in your time of pain and loss, I was there for you.

Mother:  You have an amazing ability to set aside yourself for other people in crisis, on their journey to support them.  You have no idea what a gift that is.  That is who you are and how your human journey gave you the opportunity to refine.  Love that in yourself.  It is a rare commodity.

Me:  I did a real good job that night.  I was me.  My spirit took over and managed that situation.  It was painful and traumatic.  It isn’t my guilt to carry.  Don talking with me helped.  I am glad I was present for his transition.  I am glad I was there to help because no one else could.  I wasn’t even supposed to be there, remember?  It was a last day change to go with you.  I was supposed to be somewhere else.  Apparently, I was supposed to be there.  It was a fun week.  Yachting, boating.  I love the water and Don is right, I loved the speed of the boat and the wind blowing through my face and air.  It was so powerful and so earthy and so grounded.  It was fun and I am taking that fun back and embracing the experience of joy.  I am also embracing the death, the crisis.  I am strong and that is who I am.  Tonight, I release the guilt and the anger.  I ask that peace and love enter into the space and fill it with joy and satisfaction.  I did an outstanding job.  I expressed love throughout the time and after the time.  I expressed love to you mother by supporting you unconditionally and being present for you to say good-bye.

I reach into my heart and pull out the pain and watch it transform into an eagle.  The eagle stares at me with those deep penetrating eyes.  I lift my arm up and the eagle takes off its strong wings flapping with power you could feel the wind draft. I am in gratitude for the lessons and the reminder of my own goodness.  Thank you god for  this experience and the lessons given to me.

The next morning I looked up the significance of eagle on power animals on-line and this is what I found.

EAGLE –  reminds us of courage and spirit.  Eagle flies fearlessly, bridging heaven and earth, and teaches us to courageously face our fear of the unknown in order to fly as high as our heart’s joy can take us.  Finding out the true emotional aspects within self, using them to rediscover the child within, and awaken a higher sense of passion, creativity, spirituality, strength and healing.

You would think I could sleep after releasing the burden.  I didn’t.  Today was a better day.  I felt lighter somehow.  I never realized that I still carried that burden, that guilt.  It just was an experience I had put on the shelf.  Today, I understand the value of releasing.  The burden is gone and the gift of the lesson remains.  I have this feeling of gratitude.  It is a difference.

Spirit Dad:  Thank you for all that you did that night.  Thank you for taking care of everyone and being who you are.  It meant a lot for all involved even though you have only discovered that now.  You are such a gift and we are in awe of you.

Me:  You are welcome.  I was supposed to be there that night and that became very clear to me.  I feel honored to have been there to assist.  It was as it was supposed to me.  Not a pleasant experience to go through, but life changing and now acceptance and release has freed me.

I understand why I dissociated into other parts.  I understand why I shelved everything.  I am facing this myself.  I am staying present and I am not hiding in other substances.  I feel alone and scared.  I am uncertain about the future right now and I am not comfortable in the present.  The past has moved into my present.  Intellectually I know that it has the potential to transform if I allow it.  The pain of transformation is great.  The searing flames of the fire singe deep within my soul.  I want to know the future, but it is not for me to know.  I want guarantees, but there are none.  I want to know that my life is better and the lives of other people are better because I’ve gone through this process.  I know I fight the process because I fight the pain.  I fight the process to find some element of control because feeling in control is such a strong survival mechanism.  I want to avoid mother and Spirit and yet I know they are the way to finding the answers and evening finding the questions so I know the answers.  Sometimes I don’t know where to begin or what to say and they lead the way.  Sometimes I want to say ok this is all there is and then I understand the process is so important to heal even though there is an understanding of the spirit world.  I know that it is important that I surrender to the process.  Yet the act of surrendering in and of itself produces fear.  Fear because I had no control when I was forced to submit.  To me submission and surrendering are the same experience even though I understand surrender is a choice to give up the fight and allow a higher purpose to evolve.

I feel reluctant to continue with the process and take away from this lightness.  I know I must even though I don’t want to.  Part of me wishes the past away.  I really don’t want to go through this pain and have agonized over it during the past few days especially.  A line from Jesus Christ Superstar kept going through my mind:  “I have changed I’m not as sure as when we started. Then I was inspired and now I am sad and tired… why am I scared to finish.”  There is a part of me that wants to die and not finish the process.  I know by doing that I won’t have accomplished what I came to accomplish.  I know that my death at my own hands would destroy so many people.  The pain is unbearable.  I feel so alone and no one to hold me through the long nights.  Yet, it is alone my journey and not anyone can do it for me.  I am not even aware of God’s presence.  Where is God?  Why isn’t God here with me?  Where was God through all the abuse.  Where was God!!!!?????

Spirit Dad:  That is the question.  Where was God?

Me:  The question I was seeking to find the answers I want to know.

Spirit Dad:  Then seek.

Me:  I’ve always known there was a higher source who is God.  I’ve always communed with God.  I used to hang out in the cemetery to be in God’s presence believing God was around those who died.

Spirit Dad:  What is the question?

Me:  Where was God when you and mother were abusing me?  Where was God those nights of desolation?  Where was God?

Spirit Dad:  Where was God?

Me:  I believe God knew and watched and did nothing that God stood with you against me.  How I have loved God all my life and yet believe he cared more for you then for me.  Where was God?  God was with you.

Spirit Dad:  Abandoned by God, too?

Me:  Yes always.  I know God loves me.  God didn’t value me enough to protect me from you.  He didn’t see me worthy enough to keep me safe.  God loved you and not me.  I loved him so much.  I wanted to serve him with all my heart.  I couldn’t surrender to God because I didn’t trust God.  I could serve him but couldn’t trust him.  Weird situation.

Spirit Dad:  Angry with God?

Me:  Yes.  I don’t know why he didn’t intervene.  I know God gives man free will and won’t intervene in free will.  Yet God forfeited my free will by not intervening.  I didn’t have a choice.  He allowed your free will to supersede mine!

Spirit Dad:  Did God really allow your free will to be violated?

Me:  Yes.

Spirit Dad:  In spirit before human form, your mother and I and you agreed for your journey.  Your will was to endure great suffering while maintaining or reconnecting with your goodness in order to be a guidepost.  That was your choice – your will.  God couldn’t violate your free will because you chose it in Spirit Dad.  Signed, sealed and delivered with god’s blessing.  He knew your suffering.  He understood your choice.  He honored your choice.  Yes he gave us all free will and as much as you were a victim in human form, you chose suffering and he honored that choice.  He wanted to intervene.  Your suffering is his suffering.

Me.  I didn’t ask you to rape me and violate me.  I didn’t ask mother to hurt me.  I didn’t specifically ask for this.

Spirit Dad:  What would have been a better journey for you to accomplish your heart’s desire?

Me:  I don’t know.  This is so hard.

Spirit Dad:  God walked every step of the way with you.  He allowed you to have your journey because God knew your heart and what would be accomplished.  God is in you and around you and in other people.

Me:  I found God where death existed.

Spirit Dad:  Because you saw death as your escape.

Me:  And now.  Where is God?

Spirit Dad:  All around you, within you, within others providing you the courage to finish the journey.

Me:  God, are you here now and remain silent?  Are you absent now?  Where are you?

The words “seek and find the truth and the truth sets you free” go through my mind.  Have I found the truth.  Will God not answer me?

Spirit Dad:  Look inside for the answers.  God is in you.  Seek within and know the truth?

Me:  God is love and wants our highest good.  He aligns with our hearts desire when aligned with our higher selves.  He participates in our journey .  The answer is not an external god but a real and living God that lives within each of us.  God is peace.  Everything that we experience comes to a point of peace if we choose it.  Surrender is part of how we find our way to peace.  Surrender to the truth and to no man.  Surrender to love to joy to peace.  Surrender to the belief that this process is for my higher good and is blessed by God.  The flame of the soul burns bright and the flame grows brighter and brighter and as it does it extinguishes the darkness and illuminates all the dark places bringing peace and harmony and healing.  Fire and light transform.  God is within me.  God is expressed in all God’s creation. All inhabitants of the earth including all animals, trees, humans, all creation.  There are so many truths about God that are missed because humans tend to compartmentalize God.  God is far greater than any compartment, any pain, any issue.  God is love and seeks only our higher good.  .

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This entry was posted in EMDR, Emotional Abuse, Loving Self, Physical Abuse, Prison, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Transformation and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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