I woke up this morning crying again. Grief so deep. Sadness so deep. The words go through my mind “Choose Me”. I want to be chosen. I want Chuck to choose me. I want my parents to choose me. I want Todd to choose me. I want God to choose me. I don’t want to be the person who enables everyone else to have a good life. I want to be wanted. I want to be loved. I want to be the one. I want to be chosen.
I want to know – Have you ever seen the rain. I want to know. I want to know
What a freaking hard day today. Waking up wrong and it just didn’t go well. Buttons pushed. Chuck pushing the same damn buttons Mother used to push. I am tired and I just feel like crying. I don’t know what is going on with me today. I felt agitated and wanting to explode. I hurt inside. I feel like shit and I hate myself.
Spirit: Yes you’ve had a rough day. It is only a series of moments though.
Me: They feel like very long moments. I was really upset with Chuck..
Spirit: Yes you were.
Me: Just like mother, I like the good Mary and not the bad Mary. He either loves all of me or loves none of me. There are no shades of gray for me.
Spirit: I don’t think that is what he was saying. Do you think the switch from yesterday’s joy to today’s angst was a bit disconcerting for him.
Mary: I don’t know.
Spirit: Think about it.
Mary: I think he was disappointed.
Spirit: What disappointed him?
Me: That I wasn’t in the place of joy he saw me leave with the night before. He doesn’t understand that stays with me and I move on to other things. There is so much more to do. Perhaps at some point it will be who I am. I am not all of it at this point. I want to be.
Spirit: What did that remind you of?
Me: It reminded me of mother insisting I look good, dressed properly, always having a smile on my face. Be quiet and be good. Don’t let anyone know how you feel. Hide everything.
Spirit: You think that was what he was saying?
Me: It was a button and he pushed it willingly and eagerly.
Spirit: Didn’t you set that one up? Could it be a part of you that wants to heal? Perhaps you can heal and then it doesn’t matter when Chuck pushes that button because it is disconnected.
Me: I don’t understand why he did that today? It wasn’t very kind of him.
Spirit: Actually it was. He was showing you, you. Exactly what you asked him to do.
Who asked him to come on this journey anyway? I didn’t ask him to participate. I don’t know why he is hanging around. I don’t need him. He doesn’t understand.
Spirit: He gets you and you know that and it scares you. You don’t allow people close enough to get you and he gets you. He sees all of you and loves you.
Me: Why is it important for him to be on this journey.
Spirit: For himself as he will discover. For you, he is probably one of two people if not the only one who has staying power who isn’t thrown off course by your pushing him away or be turned away by your process. He does get you. He sees way into your heart. He is in your heart and you can’t stand it because you are scared. You can’t stand it because you can’t hide. He challenges you and has the guts to push your buttons and to confront you.
Me: So true. I am reminded of the song in Jesus Christ Superstar “I Don’t Know how to Love Him.” I am safe with him and he is a guardian of my heart and I love him. Yet I am terrified of him. I am more terrified of him than of you. With you I knew what to expect – pain, abandonment, abuse. With him, I haven’t a clue.
Spirit: Yes. The familiar always feels better even if it hurts more. You’ve taken a risk to allow him to journey with you. You opened your heart and allowed him to step in. You fear the unknown and you don’t know what to expect with him. Allow the experience. Receive what he can give you. He is filling in some of those empty places.
Spirit: Yes. Surrender. Find a place where you allow for life to happen. Allow for love and joy and peace. Allow for freedom. As long as you fight and don’t surrender, there can be no peace, no change, no new life.
Me: Surrender, to me, means giving up the fight. Giving in.
Spirit: What does that mean to you.
Me: It means losing myself. Being abused. Feeling helpless. Feeling victimized. Feeling powerless.
Spirit: Could you change your paradigm? Surrendering could mean yielding to your higher self – yielding to a higher purpose. Yielding to love – to God.
Me: I find it challenging yielding to God when I don’t trust God and not sure who God is anymore.
Spirit. Perhaps you need to explore that because that knowing is very important for your journey to go on.
Me: Maybe not tonight. I am really tired.