Healing from Sexual Abuse – A Transformational Journey – Part 12

A good night sleep last night and a long nap this afternoon.  I think I can go on with the process some more.  Had a dream that all my identifying cards were gone and I couldn’t find them to identify who I am.  I interpret that to mean that how I have defined myself is changing and right now there isn’t an identity so to speak or I am creating a new identity.

Me:  Spirit Dad, as I was dozing off to sleep I had a thought about surrender.  When you used to beat me, I would have to surrender to you to stop the beatings.  It was all a power trip with you.  The only choice I had was either surrender to stop hurting or to not surrender and to keep the beating going.  As a child I surrendered, but not all of me surrendered.  I fought back in other ways.  When you sexually abused me, I submitted to that abuse.  There was no real choice for me.  As I submitted to the abuse, a part of me would go away so as not to participate in the abuse.  So, surrendering is not really one of my favorite concepts.

Spirit Dad:  You surrendered in human form to a human form to protect yourself.  Much like p.o.w.s in war, they surrender to keep from being killed.  Sometimes they surrender to provide the illusion in order to create a diversion for escape, for military coups.  You were like a p.o.w. you surrendered until you could find a way out.  You surrendered circumstantially, but not with your soul.  Your soul never surrendered.  Your body surrendered to escape.

Me:  I am afraid of surrendering because I might lose me.  I guess if I am surrendering to a higher self or purpose or God I might find myself.  I feel as if I’ve been battling all my life to make sure no one gets close or hurts me or abuses me or whatever.  I’ve been fighting for my identity and my rights.  What does surrendering do for me?  What does it get for me?

Spirit Dad:  Freedom.  It gets you freedom from having to battle so hard.  Freedom to be who you are created to be.  Freedom from illusions.  Freedom for soul expression.  Freedom.

Me:  I don’t understand how to surrender.

Spirit Dad:  It is the human form that struggles with surrender.  In spirit, there are no issues.  All universe surrenders.  All yields.  It exists in perfect harmony.  In human form there is pride and entitlement.  Do you remember the phrase “Pride goeth before destruction?

Me:  Yes.  And I am prideful.

Spirit Dad:  Think about pride.  Having the experience of feeling pride in one’s accomplishment is a good thing.  Pride to the degree that controls you becomes useless.  Think about 911 when the terrorists attacked.  They attacked because they had pride and loyalty to their belief systems.  What could have been the outcome if that did not exist?  Peace?  Lives saved?  Pride, at times, leads to entitlement and rights.  Humans have taken something that is so good and use it to harm one another.  Your pride keeps you from having your full life.  Surrendering to God, to the Universe, to yourself frees you completely.

Me:  It means giving up control.

Spirit Dad:  It means finding natural control.  It means for allowing the free flow of life.  Surrendering to the truth – seeing the world as multi-dimensional rather than one dimensional.

Me:  Again, how do I surrender?  I don’t know how to do it.

Spirit Dad:  Allow for it.  Keep talking.  Remember when you and Don spoke the other night about the boat accident.  You spoke with your mother and me and the new perspectives allowed you to surrender to the truth and release a lifetime of burden.  You chose to surrender and it was all natural and in perfect timing.  Surrender isn’t something you can force.  It is something to choose and to allow to happen naturally.

Me:  As painful as this process has been for me, I am choosing to continue.

I am feeling sadness as different pictures are entering my mind.  This process is definitely not a linear process.

Mother:  You want to talk about Don D.?

Me:  Yes.  He worked for Father and you and him had an affair.  Another affair for you and another man connected directly to my father.  You were no innocent in the marriage to him.

Mother:  In human form I was seeking a way out.

Me:  You couldn’t do it without having another man ready to take care of you?

Mother:  In human form I believed I needed a man to take care of me.

Me:  You wanted to ensure that you had plenty of money to take care of you in the style you were accustomed to.  You knew Father would not give you a dime and would hide money.  Both of you were married to other people.

Mother:  He was in an unhappy marriage with a woman who was an alcoholic.

Me:  Your choices aren’t really any of my business except that you made them my business.  You confided in me once again about your affair.  He and his wife came to the party at yours and dad’s house.  You introduced me to Don like you were a school friend of mine.  Then you introduced me to his wife.  All the while Father was there.  That was crazy making for me.  I am having a conversation with Don’s wife all the time knowing you and Don are having an affair and talking to Father.  That was hard for me.  It was wrong of you to confide in me.

Mother:  I knew you would keep the secret and not betray me.  You never betrayed me.  I had to tell someone and there was no one else to trust with the secret.  Part of who you are is trustworthy and easy to talk with.  I knew that about you.  I’ve always known that about you.  In spirit, we were very close and loved each other very much.  My spirit saw that in you.

Me:  It was wrong.  Father never introduced me to his other women.  I knew them.  I always knew them.  He protected you.

Mother:  From your perspective he took care of me.

Me:  He took care of you.  He beat me for you.  He had sex with me for you.  He nearly killed me for you.

Mother:  That is true in human form.

Me:  How can you rationalize it from spirit perspective?

Spirit Dad:  Mary, it happened as it should happen.

Me:  Protecting her again.  Not letting her speak for herself.

Spirit Dad:  Providing you perspective.  She doesn’t need protection anymore.  The things I did you wasn’t in protection of her.  Yes, she manipulated and pushed.  She was playing her part to ensure that we fulfilled the agreement with you.  There is no going back to change the past or “fix” the past.  There is only coming to an understanding of it and finding peace.

Me:  I want to hear her speak.

Mother:  In human form I was horrible to you and created for you so much pain and hurt in so many ways.  I used your father to achieve some of that for me.  There is no excuse for humans hurting each so badly.  You wanted to experience hurt, desolation, suffering to be a guide for other people in your life.  You’ve done that and experienced great tragedy creating desolation and destruction within you.  You want to be a light in the darkness and I assisted with that process because in spirit we loved each other greatly.  Your father, you and I were very close.

Me:  You and Don married.  You didn’t get much from father and Don provided for you while you worked for the first time in your life.  I liked Don D. a lot.  He seemed to like me even though we argued all the time.

Mother:  You two did argue.  There was never a time together that the two of you didn’t fight.

Me:  He loved me and I didn’t like his loving me so I fought with him.

Mother:  Normal for you.  Love and fighting.

Me:  You and father taught me that, right?

Mother:  Yes.

Me:  You asked Jocelyn and me to come and live with you and Don D. when she was so ill.  Based on that, I left my housing and moved in.  Shortly after that you asked me and Jocelyn to leave even though you knew we would be homeless.  You said it was too much having us there.  What was too much.

Mother:  Jocelyn was sick all the time and up all night and I couldn’t sleep.

Me:  So it was okay to have us homeless so you could sleep.  Nothing changed from when I was a child.  Do not inconvenience mother!

Mother:  Nothing changed.  I was just married to another man.

Me:  He helped take care of Jocelyn.  You weren’t up at night with me and Joc.  He was.  You couldn’t stand that, could you.  Took the focus off of you.

Mother:  Yes.  In human form I was self-centered and expected the world to revolve around me.

Me:  We left that day with nowhere to go but the car.  There was no reason for you to push that hard.  Your daughter and granddaughter were homeless.  We would never have come to stay with you except you asked us to.  Perhaps that was because it was the only way that I would experience homelessness!

Mother:  In spirit, that is a true statement.  You survived.  In human form I knew you would survive because you were so strong and capable.

Me:  It was hard.  I had nowhere to go and had a baby – a sick baby.  I felt like such a failure as a mom.  We were fortunate that I could stay from friend to friend.  I couldn’t get a job.  I had no money and no way to take care of the baby.

Mother:  You survived.  You found your way.

Me:  I didn’t have to.  You could have helped me find my way so my daughter wasn’t subject to that kind of life.

Mother:  It was your journey.

Me:  Well said.  You prepared me well to survive because I am strong because of your hatred and abandonment and beatings.  I had only me to count on and that wasn’t much but it was a hell of a lot better than you ever did!

Mother:  That is true and that is exactly what you wanted to experience in this lifetime.

Me:  And you wonder why I was confused while you were dying and suffering such pain and darkness.

Mother:  I don’t wonder at all.  You were there even though you had those feelings.  Even though you were feeling those things, you were there during the hardest part of that time.  You fought for me with the nurses.  You insisted that I get the care they wanted to deny me.  You were there to feed me and make sure I ate because I couldn’t feed myself.   Even though I didn’t know you were there all the time, I knew you were there.

Me:  That meant a lot to you?

Mother:  Yes.

Me:  I am glad.  We had a fight a couple of weeks before your accident.  I’ve always felt bad about that.

Mother:  Let it go.  You were angry with me and you had every right to be angry.  I just didn’t want to deal with it.  You were speaking the truth and I didn’t want to hear the truth.  You were right.

Me:  I wish we could have been close in this lifetime.

Mother:  It wasn’t the way it was to go.  I love you and it is my desire that someday you will know that love and receive it from me.  I know you aren’t ready to at this moment.

I am crying.  In human form my mother never said she loved me.  She never showed in her actions that she loved me.  The picture now is of this small baby curled up in a fetal position in the darkness.  She is lethargic and not moving.  Failure to thrive comes to mind.  I pick her up and she is so limp and so helpless.  She doesn’t cry.  I hold her in my arms and I rock her and sing to her.  I tell her I love her and I am glad she is alive.  I am holding her on my heart wanting her to hear my heartbeat to feel its rhythm and its love.  She snuggles ever o close to my heart like she is trying to get in there.  She is hungry for love and acceptance and welcoming.  I welcome her into my life.   A mother’s love was withheld and now there is my love for her.

Spirit Dad:  What do you want to do with this little part of yourself?

Me:  Keep her safe and protect her.  Love her and allow her to grow and flourish.  Please don’t come any closer to her.  I’m taking her to the meadow and Amber can hold her while I continue my journey.

I bring the baby into the light of the meadow.  As we enter the meadow the sun and the light transforms her and she looks stronger and more alive.  Here she will be safe.  I want to stay in the meadow.  It feels safe here.  No one around just us.  I know there is more to do so sadly I walk away.

Of course walking away from the safety and the light of the meadow means interacting with mother and father again.  I choose to do this, I remind myself.  I yield to the process for my higher good.

Me:  I loved Don D.  He was a good man.  We fought all the time.  Were you aware he made a pass at me?

Mother:  No, I wasn’t in human form.

Me:  It really was no big deal.  We were all drunk that Christmas on Hot Toddies.  You always made them so good.  I was uncomfortable with it and moved away from him.  Perhaps you weren’t the center of his universe that you thought you were.

Mother:  It is not an issue for me now.

Me:  I knew I was his favorite.  I never was a favorite to you or father and I was to him.  He liked my feistiness and fighting.  Energized him, you know.

Mother:  You two went at it.

Me:  He was good to my daughter and loved her dearly.  For that I am always grateful.

Mother:  Do you want to talk with him?  He is here.

Me:  Really?  Yes I do.

Don D:  Why are you crying?

Me:  I am not sure why.  I miss you.   I wish you were still here.

Don D:  I loved you and indeed in human form you were my favorite.  I liked the way you challenged me and fought back with me.  It was funny.

Me:  We had a lot of arguments and I would walk away angry.  You never hurt me, though.  You just argued because you like to argue and I fight with men.

Don D:  I cared about you and that is why we argued.  I wanted you to see things differently.

Me:  I know that now.  Thank you so much for loving my daughter and being a man in her life.  She absolutely adored you and remembers you so well.  You stood up for her and helped her see her value as a little girl.

Don D:  She was my little redhead.

Me:  I stayed away from you and mother because I didn’t want to be around mother.

Don D:  I know.  It was okay.  To me it wasn’t a big deal.  It was easier somehow for you to stay away.

Me:  I wasn’t present for your death.

Don D;  You weren’t supposed to be.  Princess laid by my side and Nancy and Mark were there.

Me:  Was it peaceful.

Don D:  I was ready.  The cancer created a lot of pain for me and it was time to transition.

Me:  We came up a few weeks before you died to say our goodbyes.  I always felt guilty for not being present for your death.  I wanted Jocelyn to see you alive with some of your laughter left in you.

Don D:  Let go of any guilt.  You were not to be present at my death.  It was great having you here when you came when I was conscious enough to know you and Joc were there.

Me:  It was my birthday.  Mother kept insisting on calling me Mary Lynn.  She and I were “discussing” it and she said she would never call me Mary because that wasn’t my name.  You stepped in and told her to stop being ridiculous and if I wanted to be called Mary then damn it call her Mary.  I know it wasn’t a big thing, but no one had ever stood up against her on my behalf.  That was so great.  She listened to you.  Thank you.

Don D:  She meant no harm to you, you know.  It was the name she and you would know you as in human form.  You had the right to be called what you wanted to be called.

Me:  Thank you for understanding.  Do you remember the drive we took in the mountains that visit?  You were in and out of grogginess with the pain medication.

Don D:  Jocelyn drove us in the mountains and would have liked to scare your mother half to death.

Me:  That was such a great memory to leave with Jocelyn.  Mother was so mean to you that day.  She was mean to you the whole time we were there.  I was sad to say good bye to you because I knew we would never see you again.  I was happy to get away from her.

Don D:  Your mother was scared of my dying and her being alone.  She had no one to rescue her at this time.

Me:  You were always good to her and she didn’t appreciate it.  She always had to have everything about her.  When the two of you divorced that time, you came to me.  You missed her terribly.  You brought over ice cream for Jocelyn.  Again, that was such a little thing, but meant the world to me.

Don D:  I did feel lost without your mother.  I wanted to see you.  You are very compassionate and accepting.

Me:  Are you aware now what my life was like?

Don D:  Yes.  I did not know in human form.  You are amazing and strong and courageous and you have come a long way on your journey.  Stay open to the journey even though it is painful and hard.  It is as it should be.

Me:  I get tired of hearing that, you know.  So I have a question.  Remember that Christmas when you made a pass at me?  It was no big deal.  I was an adult and we were all drunk and I walked away and nothing happened.

Don D:  It was a big deal.  I was your step-father, married to your mother, and had no right to touch in any inappropriate way.  Given your history, it is a big deal.  Nothing came of it.  You never told anyone.  It wasn’t to be anymore than that moment.  I wasn’t to be part of your abuse world.  It happened so you would remember it and know that it happened briefly and there was no abuse.  I was safe for you to argue with because I wouldn’t hurt you ever.  I never understood why your mother and father didn’t like you.  I understand in spirit form why your journey went as it did.

Me:  Thank you for not abusing me.  You could have and it would have just been normal experience for me.  My question to you is if you molested your biological daughters?  I ask because your oldest son sexually abused my niece and your younger son’s wife killed his son.  I just want to understand.

Don D:  No I did not know abuse the children.  I wasn’t a perfect father.  My wife and I fought a lot.  She was an alcoholic and I did a lot of rescuing.  I disciplined them – probably harder than I needed to discipline.

Me:  Thank you.  I just needed to know that.  I wanted to make sure I could still think of you as a good man with faults.  I love you and I miss you.   Jocelyn does as well.

Don D:  Stay on your journey, Mary.  You have suffered enough and it is time to understand and let go and be the light in the darkness.  You are so worthwhile and loving and kind.  Stand in that truth of who you are.  Stand firm in it.  I love you and thank you for being part of my human journey.

Me:  I love you, too.  Thank you for being part of my journey.

He is gone.  I needed that time with him.  He was so important in my life and my mother was such a bitch to him.  She couldn’t stand that I was his favorite kid of hers.  I’m still crying.  I am grateful to him for the part he played in my life.  I feel a little sad and wish he could stay.  I know it isn’t about him.  He gave me encouragement.  He did value me.  He is on to his next journey.  Always a seeker of experience.  Another man who loved boating.  Built his own sailboat.  Took my mother on a lot of travel.  She was lucky to have him in her life and she didn’t even appreciate him.

Me:  Mother, why were you so mean to him?

Mother:  In human form I couldn’t control him.  He stood up to me.

Me:  He was so good to you.  Were you scared of being without him and having no one?

Mother:  Yes I was.  I had never been without a man in a my life.

Me:  Dad, did you know about Don D?

Spirit Dad:  Not until she told me.  She threw it in my face and in human form that was enough to cut her off.

Spirit Dad:  Are you ready to let go of Don D?

Me:  I am not sure I want to let go.

Spirit Dad:  He is always with you in your heart.  Holding onto him is just part of baggage.  Do you have anything else that needs to be resolved with him?

Me:  No.  I guess it is as it should be.  I am releasing him.  The release is in the form is as a crow.

The crow briefly looks at me and squawks and flies off.  He is a beautiful shiny crow.  Different from an eagle, but certainly a great crow.