Healing from Sexual Abuse – A Transformational Journey – Part 13

A short night.  Able to go back to bed and sleep.  I woke up in a bad mood again.  Good Chuck isn’t around.  It really is best if no one is around me when I am like this.  It is a sad and angry and irritable feeling.  I feel hung over and had nothing to drink.  I am wondering if this happened to me when my father gave me alcohol and sexually abused me.  Did I wake up those mornings because of what happened in the night.  Alcohol creates all kinds of physical issues with children.  I feel disconnected kind of in a different world.  I am “sangry”.  Sad and angry.  I cry and I fight.  Wonder if there is a part of me I need to rescue to stop these nights wake ups.  They are becoming so frequent.

Today I did not want to take the dog on a walk, but felt like I should.  He doesn’t get out much.  I am glad I did.  I had butterflies accompany me on my walk this morning.  Not a whole bunch, but several.  One would fly around me and then in front of me and then off to the field.  Then there would be another waiting on the sidewalk for me and as I approached it went through the same pattern.  This happened my entire walk.  It was amazing.  Then a crow, a lone crow, whizzed by me soaring and it was just amazing.  Remembering the release of Don D.  I think God was talking to me this morning.

This is what I found for crow from power animals on line.  Crow was the form I used to release Don D last night.

CROW –  integrity and doing unto others as we would like them to do to us.   Crow teaches us to know ourselves beyond the limitations of one-dimensional thinking and laws.  It is about bringing magic into our lives.   This animal teaches to appreciate the many dimensions both of reality and ourselves, and to learn to trust our intuition and personal integrity.  There is magic wherever crows are.  They give us the message that there is magic alive in our world and this magic is ours to use and create a new world for ourselves with.

This is butterfly:

BUTTERFLY  –  is about transformation. Butterfly fearlessly leaves the safety of its cocoon to meet a new world in a new form, trusting its untried wings to allow it to fly. It is a powerful symbol for anyone who’s contemplating or in the midst of a major change.  It is about bringing color and joy to our lives, learning to dance with joy as we make those changes in our lives transforming us and our lives.

I did experience joy as I watched the butterflies flutter.  They are so amazingly beautiful and experience the universe completely in their short life cycle.  I am grateful for the joy they brought me this morning in the midst of my sangry self.  They didn’t try to change me or join me.  They just influenced me with their beauty and their joy.  Gently and softly not insinuating or demanding.  A real message for me on interacting with myself and other people.

I know people don’t understand how I view all of creation as that being of God.  I believe God sends us messages in any way he can through creation.  They can come from other people, words in a movie or on television, nature, books.  God is always speaking and we are not always listening.  Today’s communication through nature were strong messages for me.

Me:  I don’t know what is wrong with me.  I feel so disconnected and sad and irritable and angry.  Mostly sad and irritable translating to angry.

Spirit Dad:  This work you are doing stirs everything up inside of you.  Be patient with yourself and kind with yourself.  That is exactly what you need.

Me:  I just want to cry all the time and I am tired.  I am not sure I see the value.  I don’t know what to say and what to do.

Spirit Dad:  Isn’t that how you felt as a little girl?  Disconnected and silent with sadness and anger inside that couldn’t be expressed.

Me:  Yes.

Spirit Dad:  Now you can express them.  This is the time to allow for everything to express and to heal.

Me:  When I do that I feel like such a victim and weak and like some dumb pity party.  I worked long and hard to not be a victim.

Spirit Dad:  Expressing your feelings doesn’t make you a victim.  It empowers you.

Me:  Why did you give me alcohol sometimes when you sexually abused me?

Spirit Dad:  To keep you silent.  To keep you from remembering.

Me:  It worked.  These mornings waking up “on the wrong side of the bed” does not feel good.  Mother used to get so mad at me on those mornings and it was you created that experience for me.  I am just remembering it now which is why I am living through it so frequently.

Spirit Dad:  Is there a part of yourself reliving that night after night.

Me:  I believe so.  I see her laying on the bed knocked out and naked.  I see you leaving her room and she doesn’t really know what is happening.  I see her get up and walk around the dark naked.  She doesn’t know what she is doing.  She goes outside in the car and hides.  Unfortunately she wakes up mother who is angry with her for not being in bed.  Where are her jammies for heaven sakes?  Mother could have comforted her and asked what is going on but the little girl wouldn’t know what to say.  She was confused in this fog.  The same fog I am feeling now.  I need to get her out of the bed and take her to the meadow so she doesn’t have to keep reliving the nights.  There she is safe.

I approach this little girl’s bed and sit quietly next to her.  I gently touch her to wake her up and she looks at me not recognizing me.  I tell her who I am and I am here to take her from the night.  She just lies there looking at me through dazed eyes not comprehending what I am saying.  I tell her it is over and she doesn’t have to be sexually abused anymore.  Her eyes are searching mine.  I ask her if she remembers the night.  She feels confused.  You were given something by your dad to make you sleep.  Do you know what he did?  She is looking for the answer and there are tears coming out her eyes.  Even booze and / or drugs couldn’t numb the experience for her.  It only confused it for her.  “He hurt me” she says.  Yes he did, I reply.  It is over and it isn’t going to happen anymore.  All you need to do is come with me to the meadow and you will be safe the night will end for you.  I tell her how sorry I am that she had to endure that night after night and relive it.  I thank her for sharing her mornings with me so I know that she is still reliving the nights.  I see her little body relax.  She reaches for me and I take her into my arms and gently rock her and stroke her hair and tell her she is safe.  I am crying because I feel her pain and her confusion.  It is now mine to carry.  This part of me can be safe now.  I carry her pain and confusion.  I ask her if she is ready to go to the meadow, and she nods her head.  I carry her to the meadow to the light, to the peace to the safety where the other parts of my soul are and bring her there.  I see the light open her up and she releases the rest of it to me.  She is safe and no one can hurt her anymore.  She knows it.

There is so much brokenness inside.  The sacredness of my soul ripped away and the soul shattered into so many pieces.  I am bringing them back together.  I am experiencing the pain and the fear and the disconnectedness.  At least they are safe.

Me:  Spirit Dad, do you have a clue what devastation you created?

Spirit Dad:  Yes, in human form.  Look at what you are accomplishing.  You wanted to experience this desolation so you can find your way back and you are doing that.  You are exhausted and want to quit, but in your usual tenacity, you continue.

Me:  I want to have all the pieces back together and the soul whole again.  Mother, why couldn’t you see that little girl needed your help and not your condemnation?  You were angry because she woke you.

Mother:  I wasn’t supposed to see it.

Me:  Had you seen it, would you have done something about it?  I strongly doubt it.  You would have been angry with me for what he did.  You would have been angry with her for disrupting your life, your night.  There was zero compassion in you for me.

Mother:  In human form, that is a true statement.

Me:  Screw you and I am tired of hearing those freaking words.

Mother:  Is it better to believe you were a victim and not a participant?

Me:  I was a victim and not a willing participant of this experience.  Perhaps I asked to understand suffering, but this way?

Mother:  It was the way it played out.  It had to be this way because your spirit is so strong and independent and loving and compassionate, it would not have given you the experience you wanted.  Had I been the loving and compassionate mother and saved you from your experience, you would not have completed your purpose here.

Me:  Don’t you regret it?  I do.

Mother:  There are no regrets.  It happened it as it should.  We loved you.  The three of us were close in Spirit Dad.  We did what was required and you got the experience you asked for.  Regrets don’t change anything.  They only hinder the process and keeps you from moving forward.

Me:  How much longer?

Spirit Dad:  You will know when it is done.  You’ve rescued so much of yourself over the years.  This is the transformation of your journey.  Transformation is painful and it is joyful.  You are leaving the abuse behind and finding out who you are and your value to yourself and to the world.  You are strong and magnificent.  You are loving and compassionate.  You are wise and intuitive.  You see through the barriers and this will get stronger in you.  You are a light in the darkness.  Finding your way out of the darkness is essential to see the light shine so much.

Me:  I am grateful for this experience.

I no longer feel in that sangry place disconnected.  The process this morning helped.  I feel lighter this afternoon.  The butterflies are still hanging around me when I go outside and even on my way to the grocery store.  What a gift these butterflies are to me today.

Me:  Dad, I was thinking on the way to the grocery store.  A picture came into mind.  It was a picture of you and I dancing together when I was a little girl.  I totally had forgotten that.

Spirit Dad:  How do you feel with that picture?

Me:  It was sweet.  I feel like I want to dance with you now and just let you be my dad.  I know I can’t do that now.  I don’t even know if I could do that now.  It is a sweet memory.

Spirit Dad:  You will find some sweet memories as you let go and release.  Remember not all the moments of your life are bad.

Me:  I calculated it.  I have lived 30,026,840 Minutes at this very moment.  That is a lot of moments to be alive.

Dad: Remember not all those are bad memories.  Bad memories are etched in human’s mind and they forget about the sweet memories as well.  Dancing with me is a sweet memory.

Me:  I didn’t always want to dance with you, but you would insist.

Spirit Dad:  Yes I did.  I didn’t know how to parent you.

Me:  That is fairly obvious.  There came a time when you didn’t ask me to dance with you.  Instead you wanted me to dance for you and for your friends.  That was horrible.

Spirit Dad:  In human form I exploited you.

Me:  It seems if there is good memory there is always an association of a bad memory.

Spirit Dad:  Perhaps you can just see them as memories free of judgment as bad and good.  Perhaps they are just memories and all your memories define your journey and your future is a series of choices on how to be present for other people leading them from the darkness to the light.

Me:  I am not sure how to do that.  God has always been such a big part of my journey especially early on.  I think people need to have that in their life.  My beliefs have evolved along my journey and it isn’t as easy to define God in my life.  As a younger person I saw God as this omnipotent being who could protect and help and dole out justice.

Spirit Dad:  You’ve seen god in a one dimensional world.  God is multidimensional and the one dimensional viewpoint limits God – creator, teacher, leader, messenger.  Look what you’ve seen today.  If you were viewing God as one dimensional you would have missed his wondrous beautiful messages for you.

Me:  I get that, but my heart is still seeing God manifested in his son Jesus Christ who came to save the world so we can have eternal life.

Spirit Dad:  Are you afraid to change your perspective?  You’ve been participating in this spirit experience and that is far beyond your belief system that you just explained.

Me:  Can it not be both?  It seems if God is limitless, then he and/or she can take whatever form is needed for the moment.  Having a Savior that promised me eternal life and forgave my sins really worked for me.  I really never felt forgiven, but was certain my faith wasn’t strong enough.  I believed the bible was the only word of God and if it weren’t in there, then it wasn’t the word of God.  Yet, God speaks with us today in a personal relationship with him/her and there are words that aren’t in the bible.  It worked for me.  I spoke it; I taught it; I preached it.  Could I have been wrong?  I wanted to give people hope and Jesus was the only hope.  Or was he?  I’ve always loved God.  I loved being in church talking about God.  I loved the bible because it had so many gems in there.  It was a guideline on how to live life and I had no clue on how to live life.  God loved me or so I thought.  I felt there were boundaries to his loved.  I never knew for certain that Jesus was my savior.  I kept asking him into my life just in case I got it wrong.  When Jesus came in my life I felt this darkness flee.  I experienced freedom and I was happy.  I sang his songs and worked in his church.  I provided opportunities for people to get to know him.  My sister, my daughter, friends came into a personal relationship with Jesus because I was a willing vessel.  Could I be that wrong?  How would it disappoint them to know I evolved spiritually?  Would it cause them to fall away from the “truth”?  Will it be my fault if they evolved and then went to hell?  What if I am wrong?  What then?  Do I want to carry that burden?  Not so much.  I am unloading burdens and not taking new ones one.

Spirit Dad:  Everybody has their own spiritual journey.  You are not responsible one way or another for them.  They have free choice.  It isn’t your burden to carry.

Me:  I feel it is.

Spirit Dad:  Because you have always carried the burdens of the family and the world feeling responsible.  That is over for you.  You are responsible for your own beliefs.  You can be the light of the world and you can meet people where they are at on the journey.

Me:  I feel as if seeing a God who is external that it plays into victimization.  I remember so many prayers to God “Please heal me”.  Hear my prayer.  Why have you shut me out?  Please heal me.  I’ve done this and this and this.  Please heal me.  God didn’t heal me.  I thought I didn’t have enough faith.

Spirit Dad:  Healing comes from within.  It is choosing to become integrous with yourself and see the truth of who you are and your experiences.  Humans are responsible for their own healing.  As long as they seek healing from God they are not taking responsibility for their own healing.

Me:  How do I know that for sure?

Spirit Dad:  Look in your heart.  See with your heart.  Listen to your intuition.  You know.  Look at your own journey.

Me:  I believed in a heaven and a hell.  I believed the only way to heaven was through Jesus.  I honestly hoped you would not be in heaven because that would be my personal hell.  I really believed god liked you more than me and probably you came to know Jesus in your death experience and there you would be.  Now look, we are talking.  How do I know this is real and just not some demon expression?

Spirit Dad:  You really do worry about getting it right.  What does your heart tell you?

Me:  Sometimes my heart is wrong.

Spirit Dad:  Your heart is never wrong.  It is the interpretation that can get skewed.  Is this a demon expression?

Me:  No.  There is too much reality and sanity and yes, even love for it to be demons.

Spirit Dad:  Have you ever considered the all knowing powerful God and the fear of Satan was utilized to control people to do what the government and churches wanted?

Me:  I’ve considered that, but I also considered that the bible says there will rise up false prophets and false teachers in the latter days to turn people away from God.

Spirit Dad:  Are you being turned away from God?

Me:  No.  As a matter of fact my experience of God is far more expansive and inclusive.

I was working at a church as the executive director of a counseling ministry.  People were being healed.  The church chose to close it down because counseling in this way was in direct opposition to God and that people really had issues with demonic activity.  During that time I began sensing that they preached a limited God.  I started sneaking off to weekend retreats at a Jesuit center.  They were silent retreats meditating on God and on love and on healing.  They were amazing.  I came to understand that God is love and that love was the greatest commandment of all.  My church experience began falling apart about then.  They removed my position and closed down the center telling me that my being a woman and divorced was a reason I could not serve in that capacity.  It was a time of great pain for me as I absolutely loved what I was doing.  I understand now, that I had to continue on my spiritual journey and the church was limiting what I was to learn.

Me:  I’ve been angry with God for not protecting me and yet perhaps his protection of me really was allowing me to have the experience I asked for to receive the lessons I wanted.  That is an interesting concept and will need to ponder for awhile.  Don’t think I will have that figured out tonight.

Spirit Dad:  Allow your heart to remain open and experience the fullness of spirituality.

Me:  I remember going to a Baptist church when I was 12 and got saved (for the first time) and wanted to be baptized.  You and mother threw a fit.

Spirit Dad:  Your mother threw a fit.  She wasn’t having any holy rollers in her house.

Me:  It hurt me a lot.  I loved going to that church and learning about the bible and being in the presence of God.  It was a moment of peace for me.

Spirit Dad:  It couldn’t be allowed.

Me:  I know.  It might have revealed the truth of our family life.

Spirit Dad:  We couldn’t stand being confronted by “good” when our life represented something different.  We perceived ourselves as good and when you were around that challenged our perception.

Me:  Pastor Floyd told me that there was nothing worse to have the Holy Spirit and Mary Auda in the same room.

Spirit Dad:  That sums it up well.

Me:  I didn’t mean to be that in your face with people.  It just seemed that people would hide the truth in their religion or their lack of religion.  Nobody wanted to see truth.  Churches are called to serve the sick, but the sick are turned away.  I am not talking physical sick, I am talking emotionally and spiritually sick.  They had to act or be a certain way to be served.  You and mother couldn’t hear any truth contrary to your own because that would mean changing and you weren’t about ready to change.

Spirit Dad:  You were always defending the underdog and wanting to help.  It was very frustrating for us.

Me:  That was who I was even then.  I had such a compassionate heart that it would hurt to see other people suffering.

Spirit Dad:  That is still who you are.  Suffering, as you are learning, has a purpose for everyone.  It is through suffering that lessons are learned.  Some people, like yourself, have chosen suffering to grow by.  The desire to eliminate suffering may very well indeed keep people from their chosen experience.

Me:  I am getting that.  I am tired and it has been a long eventful day.

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This entry was posted in EMDR, Emotional Abuse, Loving Self, Physical Abuse, Prison, PTSD, Transformation and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Healing from Sexual Abuse – A Transformational Journey – Part 13

  1. Pingback: Healing from Sexual Abuse – A Transformational Journey – Part 13 | ChristianBookBarn.com

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