It has been a great day today. Even work could not diminish the feeling of lightness. I am not sure why the lightness, and will accept it for the moments it has given me not fearing what will happen next.
Me: Dad, for some reason all day I felt like you and I were dancing together. I was your little girl and you my dad and it wasn’t about hurting me or hurting you. It was just dad and daughter together dancing.
Dad: I know. How did you feel?
Me: I cried. It is what I want, you know to be close to you without pain and trauma. I know we can’t undo the past and that will always be with us. I am not denying the experience. I remembered dancing with you as a small girl and it has stayed all day. I felt good. I wish you were here to dance with me and we could have a final dad and daughter dance.
Dad: You’ve come a long way to be able to see that. It isn’t finished yet. I know you don’t want to hear that, but there is more work to do.
Me: Is it an illusion then?
Dad: No illusion. A gift. Not a completion. I know you want to believe it is completed. You tend to do that prematurely and then put it all back on the shelf. This is your opportunity to complete this part of your journey.
Me: I like the feeling.
Dad: I know. There is more work to do.
Me: What next. I know I need to finish about God.
Dad: There is more. Let it come up.
Nothing came to me so I went for a walk and then rested a bit closing my eyes and I realize I need to deal still with issues around men. Damn!!! Just want to go back to dancing with my father.
Me: What came up was feelings about men and then women, but men for right now. I constantly have issues in all types of relationships with men. I have feelings of distrust for them, I expect them to have underlying motives and I’m constantly having to “read” them to find out what those motives are and then when anything comes close to what I think, then it substantiates the feelings and it keeps going and going and going. I think men are superficial.
Dad: That is a lot of energy around men. It takes a lot of energy to be around them. How do you want to feel around men?
Me: I want to feel safe. I want to know I am safe. Safe from abuse, safe with my emotions, safe with me. I want to trust that what they say is what they mean and not seek hidden meanings. I want to know I’m respected for who I am as a person. I want to be loved and cared about for me.
Dad: You know you learned your lessons about men from your mother and me. I am sure that doesn’t surprise you.
Me: I know that. Deeply appreciative as well!!!! I haven’t been able to change it. It is like this wild animal inside waiting and pacing wondering when the next strike will be always on my toes suspecting the inevitable will happen and it is only a matter of time. I don’t know how to change that and I want to change it.
Dad: When trust is betrayed as much as you’ve experienced, it is very difficult to re-build. Most people just accept that they are distrusting and live that way for a lifetime. When you can trust in the universe and in God and in yourself, it all falls into place. Look at nature and the universe as a whole. It trusts one another regardless of what forces may arise. Storms will come, fires will come, yet there is a basic trust in the ecosystems.
Me: I know, but human emotions are a little more complex?
Dad; Are they or do humans make them that way? What if they aren’t complex at all and it is just yielding to the natural flow of events.
Me: Seriously? I am not sure I understand what you mean.
Dad: What if trust were natural and you always came back to trust rather than mistrust. People come and go and disappoint. Do you become uprooted because of them or do you bend and move and adapt while keeping your peace and your center?
Me: I hear what you are saying but for me it is a little complicated. You violated every part of me in ways no father should ever violate. I never knew what kind of mood you were in and I had to prepare and read you to know what to expect. If there was kindness it was generally a precursor to pain. If I was included by you it was generally a step to being ostracized such as the family meetings we had and they were all about me and what is wrong with me.
Dad: I know you believe it is complicated. In human terms it is very complicated. What is interesting is that you apply that same mistrust, distrust, expectation of pain to every man in any type of relationship.
Me: It wasn’t just you that created that for me. It was cemented by several different men. You opened the door of betrayal and mistrust and men kept coming through the door until I slammed it shut and kept men out.
Dad: Slammed it shut and put it on the shelf. How did that work for you?
Me: It kept me safe. I had no illusions about any man and was clear about who men were and they were to be dismissed as human beings. Kind of like aliens from another planet. I always felt this world would be better off being run my women and men were there to provide for only reproduction. Men are superficial and judge events and people by external measurements.
Dad: Problem with that is you have the same issues with women as you do with men.
Me: Yes. Leave it to you to point that out. We aren’t talking about women now.
Dad: You are experiencing a lot of emotions right now.
Me: I feel really sad and the tears are there again. There is a part of myself that wants to be okay with men and another part of myself that fears the pain and abandonment that goes with it. I don’t know how to move past it. That is one of your legacies to me.
Dad: Do you want to move past it? Are you willing to choose to heal those parts of yourself?
Me: I think I am demonstrating that with allowing Chuck as close as he has come to me.
Dad: Do you trust him?
Me: I trust him and I am aware that at any moment there could be betrayal of some kind. I am not certain he is honest with me and I recognize that is really his issue that he has to deal with.
Dad: So, do you want to be at peace in trusting men?
Me: I don’t know if I can. There is a lifetime of this within me?
Dad: Do you want to heal?
Me: I am afraid to heal this part of me. What if I am wrong? What if I don’t see the bad things coming?
Dad: What if you are centered and firmly planted and not matter what comes your way you manage it because of who you are and not what has happened to you. What if you stand in your own integrity and live life rather than hide from the possibilities?
Me: What if I just accept this is so damaged, it won’t be fixed.
I am acutely aware of this pacing inside of myself. Worry and anger and this voice saying No. Very firm voice. I feel the rage and the fear.
Me: When you sexually abused me you implanted mistrust and suspicion into my soul. I wasn’t born that way. You did that by violating a boundary that wasn’t to be violated. I was a child and I loved you. I would have loved you no matter what because that was who I was. You took that innocence, that loyalty and created it into something ugly and abusive. I didn’t do that to myself. You did that to me.
Dad: In human form I created something ugly out of something so beautiful. I took your innocence and your sacredness from you thereby creating mistrust and suspicion. In human form I did that. Remember if you allow that damage to remain it is the end of the journey. If you want the outcome you asked for then you need to redefine trust within yourself.
Me: You know. It is always up to me to fix what you created.
Dad: Yes it is because that is what you wanted.
Me: I know. It is as it should be.
No response from dad. I feel this fear way deep inside of myself. The pacing is furious. The anger is strong. This part of me is like a wild animal on alert and it is clear it does not want to budge. I really want to avoid this part of me. I guess I kind of like having it here although it creates alienation and pain for me. It isn’t fair to this part or to me. This part has done a phenomenal job but now he needs to rest and join the others. I can take over now. I enter inside and the rage is obvious.
Part: What are you doing listening to him tell you a pack of lies? What about us?
Me: He makes sense to me now. He can’t hurt us anymore. He is in spirit form is only capable of love. You are seeing him in human form.
Part: He needs to go. I spent your whole lifetime protecting you from him and people like him.
Me: Yes you did and I really appreciate it. I needed you to take over that role because I didn’t do such a good job with it. You have done a great job. It is time for you to hand the job to me and go and rest with the others in the meadow.
Part: Do you think I will give up that easily? Think again.
Me: I think you are strong. I think you are afraid of what might happen if I took over. I haven’t done such a great job in the past. I am better now and stronger. Maybe you can let me take over and just gently let me know if I am blindly trusting men.
Part: Think of all the men you’ve allowed to hurt us by your choices. Think about them and what you did to continue his abuse.
Me: I know. I looked the other way. I disconnected from who I am. We replayed the abuse over and over and over because of me. I didn’t ask men to hurt me, but it was the way I knew. I kept thinking this time I will get it right. This time. I blamed myself for the abuse so therefore I could make better choices and it wouldn’t happen again. The problem is that the abuse wasn’t my fault and I couldn’t fix it. I didn’t know that so you had a lot of work to do. Keeping this defense and rage and anger and mistrust only keeps the abuse alive and it is like being abused over and over again.
Part: I know but if I don’t stand guard what will happen?
Me: Nothing will happen that I don’t choose. I am stronger now and I understand. I want to allow love in our life and I want to enjoy men without fear of hurt. I am not sure I can do all those things. One thing I am sure of is the abuse is over for me, all of me, and that includes you.
Part: If you screw up I won’t be here to help.
Me: I know. I am present and will take care of it. I might screw up and that will be okay. The abuse is over. Will you consider going to the meadow and just resting.
Part. I feel like throwing up.
Me: I know. I feel it. I feel your fear and your worry. I am taking it from you. I will carry it. I am carrying all of it now. Are you ready to go to the meadow?
Part: Can I leave you my whistle to blow if you need me?
Me: Yes. I promise it is okay.
I reach out my hand to the part and he takes it and we enter the meadow. I love coming to the meadow. It is so warm and bright and alive and peaceful. The part is reluctant about coming into the light. He doesn’t know what to expect. So I sit with him quietly as he adjusts to the peace. He is not pacing anymore. He is beginning to relax and let go.
Me: It is okay. I can handle this. Rest and let the abuse stop. Rest.
The part finally calms and walks to the swing and begins swinging. The movement calms him. I leave the meadow and I feel this deep sadness for all the rage and anger he must have kept alive to just make sure we were safe and protected.
Dad: When you heal, you open the doorway to so many opportunities and experiences.
Me: I feel really sad. I will miss that part of myself. I choose to trust and to move forward. I trust myself to know when something is not right. I promise not to shelve it and to look honestly at the feelings and the fears and the emotions. I choose to trust and to remain open to experiences.
The roaring lion is at peace.
I am exhausted and have to sleep now.
Rest well and let the angels rest with you. You don’t walk alone on this journey. Your mother and I are here as well as other souls who are part of your journey. Rest well and be at peace. Congratulations on choosing healing.