Healing from Sexual Abuse – A Transformational Journey – Part 15

It was a short night and I woke up in tears a deep grief within me and I am not sure why.  Yesterday was such a good day full of lightness and wanting to dance with my father.  This morning I am full of grief and tears.  I feel so alone and so sad.  I am not sure what is going on this morning.  The grief is so deep and the sadness so strong.  The tears don’t stop flowing.  I wish I understood this.  I want light days.

Spirit Dad:  Are you feeling burdened?

Me:  No.  Just deeply sad and I am not sure why.  There has been so much good coming from all this.  Even last night.

Spirit Dad:  Transformation, as joyful as it is, brings change and letting go.  You are letting go of illusions that you believed were truth and allowing for new beliefs, new perspectives to come in.  You are experiencing a paradigm shift.  You are allowing for vulnerability.  Letting that part of you go into the meadow was huge.  I don’t think you fully understand and his energy has changed.

Me:  Perhaps.  I love you and I just want this to be all okay.  I want you here.

Spirit Dad:  I love you and it is all okay.  Trust in yourself.  Trust in your journey.  I am here for you now.  There is no changing the past.  The past is a gift to you to transform into a higher purpose.

Me:  The ache is so deep and the tears are so strong.

Spirit Dad:  Feel the feelings.  Allow the tears to fall.  It is part of the transformational process.  Joy comes through the tears – through letting go of the illusions by seeing a higher truth.  You are so strong to come through all of this and to be moving towards the other side.

Me:  I want this to be finished and yet when it is finished you will be gone and then there won’t be any more time with you.

Spirit Dad:  I will always be with you.  Yes, there will come a time when it is finished and you are ready to soar and we all will move on and it will be okay.  There comes a time when you are ready to let go of me because you can do it on your own.  Our work will be finished.

Me:  Can you tell me again about when we were together in spirit?

Spirit Dad:  Imagine being on top of the mountain and there are trees and the sun is shining and it is warm.  Everything is alive – trees, wind, water.  You, your mother and I are enjoying the peace and the warmth.  There is no pain in spirit.  Everything is perfection and there is joy.  Everything and everyone is harmonious.  We are great friends and enjoy each other.  We talk about experiences.  You share with us your desire to know great suffering to find great joy.  You want the experience of not being bound by your suffering and to know strength and courage as you climb back up the mountain.  You want to maintain your deep love and compassion through the process.  You want to be a light for others to follow to help them on their journey.  The best guide is one who has walked the pathway.  You wanted to experience it all.  You wanted to know you are one with all of the universe.  You understood that we are all connected in all creation of the universe.  You wanted to know the shattered soul.  You trusted us enough to ask us to help with the process and out of great love for you we agreed.  We knew it wouldn’t be easy for any of us, especially because you are so strong, so courageous, so loving, so wise.  We knew it would be tough for all of us and all of us chose to experience the journey together.  There was great love with all of us.

Me:  I wish I could be there now.

Spirit Dad:  It is not yet time for that to happen.  Now you need to finish the journey strong and accomplish what you set out to accomplish.  There will be a time for you to join us.  I can understand you wanting to avoid the pain.  The pain is part of the process – part of letting go – part of seeing new truth.  There are only moments.  You’ve come so far.  I am so proud of you.

Me:  I am strong and courageous.  Loving and compassionate.  I am also tired and afraid of the unknown.

Spirit Dad:  Perhaps you can trust in yourself and trust that it is as it should be.

Me:  Yes.  Now I need to get ready for work.  My diversion.  Would prefer to stay here.

I did okay today.  It is hard to stay focused at work.  I feel like I am living in two different worlds and moving between them.  I imagine still dancing with my father.  I wish it could happen and not feel afraid to touch him.  I can see him turning me in a dance step.  What I would give to have those moments back.  I didn’t feel safe then.  I wanted to please him then.  Now I want to dance with my father.  How far I’ve come on my journey.

Me:  Dad, I miss you.  I want to put the past behind me and just experience this moment with you dancing.

Spirit Dad:  It is a nice moment but putting your past behind you will only close the door on your future.  The past is important for you all of you.

Me:  Can I leave this earth now?

Spirit Dad:  You can always choose that, but it isn’t your time.  Your time will come at the perfect time.  This is your time to heal and to complete your journey.  As you heal, you will want to stay.

Me:  I feel like I am living in two worlds right now – moving between spirit and here.  It is an odd feeling.  They both are so real.  Sometimes it is hard to separate the two.

Spirit Dad:  This has been intense for you.

Me:  Yes.

Spirit Dad:  There is more to do.  It is important to finish strong the way you really want.

Me.  I know.  Where to from here?

Spirit Dad:  Let it come to you.

Me:  The night you almost killed me is what is coming up.  It was Valentine’s day.  A day of love – what a joke.  Mother had been in Oregon.  I had been home with you being the wife.  You weren’t sexually abusing me but I had the responsibility of taking care of you and I had some freedom as well.  I spent so much time that week creating beautiful valentines for my family.  I was so excited.  I typically didn’t do that, but this time I did.  I put the valentines at each of your dinner plates.  Mother had come home that night.  She read the card and said “too bad this doesn’t mean anything”.  She discarded it much like she discarded me.  You just ignored the card.  I know we all had our difficulties with one another, but I was reaching out to all of you – my family.

Spirit Dad:  I remember that night.  You had been giving us so many problems with rebellion.  You were exercising your independence.

Me:  I was a teenager trying to grow up not knowing how to grow up.  No role models – disconnected from my family connected to “the family” the gang at school.  None of us belonged anywhere and we connected with one another.  It could have been different, you know, if you had given me the love, the support, the encouragement that parents usually do.

Spirit Dad:  That is true.  Humans have a need for acceptance and a sense of belonging.

Me:  I was hurt that night and of course never would let any of you know you had the power to hurt me.  Cyndi came over that night.  We were playing pool.  I had asked mother if another friend could join us and she said no.  I walked away angrily and you said to be respectful to her which I did rather sarcastically because that was a way to hide the hurt.  I shut the door and went out to play pool.  The next thing I know you had thrown the door open backhanded me in the face grabbed the pool stick and slammed it against my shoulders and back.  Then you grabbed me and through me against the garage door and started choking.  I was scared and I kicked you in the groin which stopped the choking and I ran.  Mother tried to stop me and you yelled “let her go, she is an animal!  She assaulted me”.  You fucking liar!  They believed you along with the rest of the fucking city.

Spirit Dad:  I was great at creating illusions and you played the role perfectly.  Your behavior was questionable and all I had to do was plant the seed.

Me:  Fuck you.

Spirit Dad:  Angry.  Did you realize you still felt so angry?

Me:  Do you know how scared I was?  I ran with no shoes on across all of town not knowing where to go or who to turn to.  I was all alone.  That night devastated me and it ripped out what little I had left.  I ended up at Sue’s house.  Paul was a police detective.  Unfortunately he was your friend and would never turn against you.  I cried that night.  I sobbed.  My face was bruised.  My lip bloody.  My throat sore from being choked and my body hurt from the pool stick.  All I could do way lay there and cry and there was no comfort.  I knew I wouldn’t go back and I didn’t know where I would end up.  You broke my heart that night more than you ever broke my heart.  I managed it all, but that was the final straw.  You all had each other and I had no one.  Just like it always had been.  Then it was no avoiding it or denying it.

Spirit Dad:  Yes, you were completely stripped of everything that night.    We easily made it your fault and you carried that blame even now.

Me:  No one would believe me.  Bruised and bloodied and still no one would believe me.  A 100 lb girl assaulted a 250 pound man.  Really.  Who could have believed that?  You could make people believe anything you wanted.  It would keep you safe.  There was no safety more me.  There was no soft place for me.  There was only pain and heartache and brokenness and hopelessness.  No one to turn to.

Spirit Dad:  In human form I did atrocious things to you and this was one of them.  The rage was tremendous.  In spirit, it had to happen to finish the brokenness in you.  It had to rip you apart.  Your strength was so strong.

Me:  It broke me and nobody would ever know how broken I felt.  A night of expressing love to my family ended up in my nearly dying.  I wish I hadn’t been disrespectful to you.

I sit here crying remembering how awful I felt that night.  I had forgotten the destruction within that night.  I could talk of that night but the feelings are so painful.  If I hadn’t disrespected my mother none of this would happen.  If I had just been a good person, this would not have happened.  I wanted to die.  I felt so unloved and unlovable.  So alone and abandoned.  So helpless, so hopeless.  How could a father do such things to me?  How could the mother allow her daughter to be so hurt?  How could the world not see what had happened and abandoned me?  How could everyone turn away and not see the pain and the truth and left me alone to endure?   The tears flow.  The pain is great.

Spirit Dad:  The irony in the day that is set aside for love that you will feel the most unloved than you ever remember.  The most alone.

Me:  All my life on valentine’s day.  All my life.

Spirit Dad:  I, in human form, created so much devastation for you.  Fathers are supposed to protect their children, love their children, respect your children.  It is because of great love for you that all that happened.  I know you don’t understand especially at this moment.

Me:  Right now I am brokenhearted.  I don’t even have a sense on how to heal this one.  I had no idea there was so much energy around it still.

Spirit Dad:  It has been on the shelf a long time.

Me:  What do I do with this?  I have no sense of what to do with this.

Spirit Dad:  Feel it.  Experience it.  It was devastating and harmful.  You experienced separation from the world with nowhere to go and no one to turn to.  It was a dark night of your soul.  The final rip.

Me:  What do I do with this pain and sorrow?  How do I go on?

I feel alone and separate and not connected to anyone.  Why go on?  For what purpose?  This hurts.  This rips me apart.  There is no comfort for me.  Why must this be?  Why must I feel this?  What purpose does it serve?  I feel forsaken.  Dark.  So dark.

Me:  You hurt me so much.  It was the end.  The end.

Spirit Dad:  Out of a great spiritual love I behaved like that.  From the human perspective that sounds ludicrous and abandonment of responsibility.  I am taking responsibility for both the human experience in creating such pain for you and responsibility for the spiritual perspective of providing you the experience you seek.  Because you are still in human form it is difficult for you to grasp that.  A father has no excuse for that kind of behavior.  No child, regardless of their behavior, deserves that treatment.  Everything was in motion that night for that experience to happen.  Your sorrow is deep.  The pain is real.  The loss horrendous.  Reconciliation seems impossible.  Believe that it will happen. You will see the truth and you will move past this and you will know the depth of darkness and abandonment and loss that few know and you will be able to walk beside others on their journey.

Me:  I have no faith right now.  I have only darkness.  I want to go back to the feeling of dancing with you and that seems so far away now.  I didn’t want to lose that.

Spirit:  You needed to experience this memory – to take it off the shelf and clean it out never to go back on the shelf.  There is room inside of you that needs to be open and cleaning this out opens the doorway for joy and peace and love and compassion first for yourself and then for others.  Time to give yourself what you so freely give others.

Me:  I feel so unworthy of it.  Dirty and unclean.  Gross.  I want to walk away from me.

Spirit:  Haven’t you always walked away from yourself?  Haven’t you set the emotions aside and looked at your experience cerebrally?  This is a gift to you to remember, to feel, to live.  You are alive.  You are experiencing life.  You are far from dirty and unclean.  In human form, I violated every part of you.  I stole your sacredness.  I created you to be the villain.  In human form, I couldn’t allow myself to see my responsibility in your destruction.  From a human perspective, you didn’t deserve to be treated that way.  You are so full of love and kindness.  Yes, you were disrespectful, but people don’t need to die because they are disrespectful.  That night was the day after my mother’s birthday and the day before she died.  I didn’t have my mother and here you were disrespecting your mother.  Something in me snapped that night.  From a spirit perspective it happened as it should.  All the pieces came together.

Me:  I may have acted tough, but I was so vulnerable.  My heart so hurt.

This entry was posted in Emotional Abuse, Loving Self, Prison, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Transformation and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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