Healing from Sexual Abuse – A Transformational Journey – Part 16

A long night.  I am not able to resolve this.  How come?  I’m good at knowing where to go.  This is so painful and so deep and so hurting and so frightening.  I am so tired.  I don’t know if I can on.  I am devastated.  Never knew there was so much energy around this still.  How much more complicated does it get after collecting dust on the shelf.  I talked about it but never experienced.  I understand why.  The pain is awful.

Spirit Dad:  You will go on and you make it through because you are strong and courageous.  Far stronger than anyone else I know.  It took a lot of strength from our parts to create the experience you wanted.  Your strength is amazing.

Me:  I don’t know anymore.  What value is there to doing this?

Spirit Dad:  Healing.  Moving forward.  Completing the journey.  Stopping the abuse.  Being a guidepost for others on their journey.

Me:  Where do I go from here?

Spirit Dad:  Call Chuck.

Me:  No.  He is busy with stuff and I don’t want to bother him.  I don’t need him and I can do this without him.

Spirit Dad:  It isn’t about you needing or not needing him.  He helps with grounding.

Me:  I said no.  Not this time.

Spirit Dad:  You are stubborn.  That stubbornness works when it is about persevering but it limits you when it’s about pride.  Are you protecting yourself?

Me:  I just don’t want to explain it.  He will not understand and the pain from not being understood is too great to add on to what is here right now?  How can anyone truly understand my journey on earth.  How can anyone understand that night?  How can anyone understand being raped by her dad?  How can anyone understand the devastation?  No.  It is better not to call him and not be understood.

Spirit Dad:  You are isolating.  That is one of the ways you hurt yourself.

Me:  One of the ways I protect myself.  My heart is wide open and I, right now, can’t let it be hurt anymore.

Spirit Dad:  When you isolate, you limit your growth.

Me:  When I isolate, other people can’t hurt me.  I always had to hide as a child.  It is safe there.  That night, there was no help.  I reached out and no one was there.  I was alone and no one would help.  They protected you.  No won’t call him.

Spirit Dad:  You are bringing the memory’s experience into your present reality.

Me:  Doesn’t matter.  This is my choice and I get to make it.  Nothing you can say or do will change my mind.  You gave up that right through your abuse.

Spirit Dad:  You are hurting yourself.

Me:  Better me than anyone else.

Spirit Dad:  The abuse is over – all of it.  No more hurting yourself or others hurting you.

Me:  I don’t know how to move through this.  The tears don’t stop.  The pain is immense.  People turned away from that night and I was alone.  A child – alone.

Spirit Dad:  What do you need to say?

Me:  Right now I need to get ready for work and not say anything.

Me;   I feel like damaged goods.  Walking and that came to me.  I feel like damaged goods so no I don’t want anyone around me to make that feeling worse.  I feel done in.

I hurt so much today.  I felt so alone.  Better this way to keep others out.  People weren’t there to help me then at any part of my life.  I can’t imagine them here today.  I won’t reach out and really don’t need to.  I know I can move through this on my own.  My own.  My journey.  My own journey.

Spirit Dad:  You don’t have to be alone.  You choose to be alone.

Me:  I choose to be alone because it is easier and right now I want it as easy as I can get it.  If I don’t expect anything of people, I can’t be disappointed by people.  I want to be alone.  Frankly, if you and mother would just slither away, that would be fine, too.

Spirit Dad:  Interesting word – slither like we are snakes.

Me:  Call it what you want.

Spirit Dad:  We stay.  We are not leaving you.

I am silent.  I have such deep emotion – hurt, anger, sadness, fear.  It is all jumbled up inside.  Certainly no place to share with anyone.

Spirit Dad:  You’ve come far on your journey.  You’ve had the courage to look deep within your soul and see truth.  You’ve had the courage to pull the boxes off the shelf and re-examine them and even let go.  You’ve had the courage to face your pain and your fear and your shame and your anger.  This is just another event in your life to process through.  You know from experience that it is okay.  You have the courage.  All you have to do is choose to move through it.  No one can make you.

Me:  I am angry and I am not moving through it.  I am not sure how to move through it.

Spirit Dad:  Why are you choosing to hold onto the pain and sorrow of the memory?  How does it define you?

Me:  It doesn’t define me.  I just realized I am angry at the world.  Every person.  Every bit of nature.  Everything.

Spirit Dad:  That is a lot of anger you are holding onto.  As you know, when you are this angry you are feeling this hurt and sad.

Me:  Shut up.

Spirit Dad:  Why are you choosing to hold onto the pain and sorrow of the memory?  What do you lose by moving through it?

Me:  Nothing to lose and nothing to gain.

Spirit Dad:  Think about how angry you feel right now.  What is that doing for you?

Me:  Keeping me safe.  Something no one else in this fucking world did.  So, my anger is important to me.

Spirit Dad:  You are shutting everyone out.

Me:  Better that way.

Spirit Dad:  Lonely that way.

Me:  So fucking what.  Better than hurt.

Spirit Dad:  Lonely hurts.

Me:  Not like having people in the world that don’t see you.

Spirit Dad:  Let’s see.  You shut people out because people don’t see you.  That is a little odd.  There would be no reason to shut them out if they don’t see you.

Me:  Everything is all mixed up tonight.  I feel disappointed, hurt, rejected, alone, angry, sad, sorrowful and there is nothing to do with that jumbled mess of shit.

Spirit Dad:  How many times have you told people that the shit of their life was fertilizer for growth?

Me:  A lot.

Spirit Dad:  Can you do that for yourself.  Can you see this is all the fertilizer for living?

Me:  I don’t want the pain that goes with it.  I am tired of feeling this sorrow.  I want it to stop and the only way it stops is by putting it back on the shelf and keeping everyone away from me.

Spirit Dad:  It only stops it for a moment.  You’ve kept it on the shelf for most of your life and you opened the box and it was waiting for you.  Do you really want to put it on the shelf to gather more years only to open it and repeat this over and over?  It doesn’t go away.  It is for you to embrace, accept and move through.  So what if you feel pain.  So what if you cry.  You are human and it is time to release the tough girl attitude.

I am really upset with Spirit Dad tonight.  He created this in me and then just wants me to be okay like it never happened.  Convenient for him.

Spirit Dad:  I am not asking you to be okay with any of this.  I am not asking you to pretend like it never happened.  I am asking you what you want to do with it.  Do you want to put it away and feel the pain on another day?  Do you want to hold onto the pain and victimization and just not move forward?  Do you want to embrace the pain and the experience and move through it?  The choice is yours.

Me:  None of it.

Spirit Dad:  You can’t change the past events.  They happened.  Wishing them away or denying them or putting them away doesn’t change what has happened in your life.  You can allow for transformation if you move forward.

Me:  Fine.  So what do I do with this.

Spirit Dad:  Talk to your mother and me.  Get it all out and then allow for transformation.  Choose to complete  your journey in a way that allows for joy and growth and peace.

Me:  I’ve told you how I felt about it.  There probably isn’t anymore to say.

Spirit Dad:  Your mother?

Me:  Mother, you hurt me so much that night.  You rejected the card I made for you which really was rejecting me.  You did that all my life.  I didn’t respect you.  How could I possibly respect somebody who shamed me, belittled me, set me up?

Mother:  The rift between us in human form was as wide and damaged that there was no way to heal it.  It played out the way it should and it wasn’t pretty.  From a human perspective, you deserved to be loved and wanted and accepted.  You didn’t deserve what you received.  You received more than anyone should have to take in a lifetime.

Me:  You didn’t protect me that night.  You believed him.

Mother:  I did.  We were united in allowing for you to experience the depth of sorrow you experienced in your life.  We were committed to you.  In human form, we did not know that, but somewhere the Spirit Dad knew and the drama played out perfectly.  You played your part well.

Me:  That night was the culmination of a lifetime of pain and sorrow and I was alone in this world separated from everyone and no one, NO ONE, was there to help me.  Alone.

Mother:  It happened as it should.  You have experienced what you wanted to experience.  Now it is time to finish the experience and allow for the freedom, the joy, the understanding that you seek.

Spirit Dad:  Do you think for a moment that we would all be sitting here talking if you weren’t seeking truth.  This is part of the plan as well.  If it weren’t so, there would be no discussions.

Me:  God, where were you that night?

Of course, there is no answer.  Sure that was part of the big plan as well.

Me:  If I hadn’t disrespected mother, this never would have happened.  If I had never been born, then I wouldn’t have had to lead this life and you all would have been better off for it.  I wish abortion would have been legal too, mother.  Then you would have gotten your wish to abort me and I would never endured this journey.

Mother:  You came into the world at a time that abortion wasn’t legal so you could live through being unwanted and unloved.  You could have chosen a later time to come in and I would have aborted you in my human form.  You were meant to live this lifetime with these experiences or you would have come in a different lifetime.  From a human perspective, we would have believed we would be better off without you.  We showed you that many times.  The world is not better off without you.  You have touched so many lives already and think about how many more you can touch.  You can only touch those if you choose to stay in this lifetime and if you choose to heal and move past this.  You can do it.  You only have to choose it.  We can’t choose it for you.  We can want it for you.  We have love for you.  You are loved.  The challenge is you don’t feel love for yourself.

Me:  I think those are the most words you ever said at one time.

Mother:  Avoiding me won’t work.

Me:  I am tired.  I am drained.

Mother:  Yes.  What do you want to do?  Stay in this place or move through it.

Me:  I want to move through it.

Spirit Dad:  What do you need to do?

Me:  I need to forgive myself for my imperfection that night?

Spirit Dad:  You were being a teenager.

Me:  I was behaving as a teenager who had years and years of baggage.  It was perfectly normal for someone who was damaged.

Spirit Dad:  Yes it was.

Me:  The outcome was so devastating that night.  I was so scared.

Spirit Dad:  You had every right to feel scared.  That is a frightening experience.

Me:  No one there to help.  All of you united against me as usual.

Spirit Dad:  You were completely alone and the event deepened and widened the crevice in your soul.  It was a dark night for you, and it was an important night for you.  You lived that night.  You survived that night.  That was a gift to you.  An event to ensure you received the experience you asked for before incarnation.

Me:  It took a lot of love for you both to create that experience for me.  I just don’t feel the love.

Spirit Dad:  You don’t feel the love because you are lost in the judgment of the experience.  You are lost in the pain and the sorrow.  Can you look at it from a spiritual perspective free of judgment and view it just as an experience to move you towards the completion of your journey.

Me:  The picture I am getting is to take the pain and sorrow of the night and plant a tree in it packing the roots with the pain and the sorrow and the tears.  The roots of the tree are packed tight and secure rich with my tears and my pain.  The roots of the tree, because of the strength it receives from my sorrow, grow deep and secure within the earth.  The tree grows and bears wonderful fruit.  I am that tree.

Spirit Dad:  Yes you are that tree.  You are amazing and strong.  Can you feel the energy of that tree within you.  Can you feel the flow of life run through you.

Me:  Yes I feel it.  I feel the energy.  It flows through all my nervous system, muscles, bones, .  I am life.  I am truth.  I am love.  I am nurturing.  I am kind.  I am strong and courageous.  I am a healer.

Spirit Dad:  You are all that and more.  You will know you by the time this part of the journey is complete.

Mary:  The image of an owl with wide eyes has come to me.  It is a beautiful own and alert and watchful.  The eyes penetrate deep within the soul.  There is a crow next to the out.  What an odd pair.   Tonight I release the imprisonment of this memory breaking the chains that bind me.  I take my freedom and I live in my freedom.  I accept the experience for my good free of judgment.  I allow for the flow of emotions as the emotions represent life and living.

OWL – brings us wisdom, teaches us about the mystery of magic, vision in the night.   Owl, the night hunter, has the ability to see what others may miss. The gift of this medicine is to be undeceived by external appearances and to discover the truth beneath them.

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This entry was posted in EMDR, Emotional Abuse, Loving Self, Physical Abuse, Prison, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Transformation and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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