Healing from Sexual Abuse – A Transformational Journey – Part 17

I am tired.  I wish I could sleep longer at night.  Last night I had this dream.  I was in an evidence room.  There were shelves and shelves of evidence of boxes.  I had a team of people in there with me and we were pulling the boxes off the shelves and going through them and moving them out.  I didn’t like doing this job and was really scared about what we would find and what people would know about me.  We finished most of it and went to another room.  We were sitting around a conference table talking.  The phone kept ringing and it was the judge who was my friend.  The judge kept asking what she was to do now without suffering there.  I told her to read the instructions.  No, tell me what am I supposed to do without suffering there and I responded with find harmony.  Then we were back in the room and there were just a few more boxes.  The woman said okay lets go through it one more time to see what else was there.  I said no, no more.  But we did.

So, I guess, part of my journey is to find the harmony in my life with all the different experiences I’ve been given.  Let go of suffering, and remember suffering, but integrate it into the whole of my life.

During my walk I still was experiencing deep sorrow.  It came to me that I can experience that emotion without suffering and just allow it to exist.  Will ponder that today.  During my walk today with my dog the animal that kept appearing to me was the squirrel.  Three squirrels today.  The meaning:

SQUIRREL – teaches us to gather and prepare for the future.  Squirrel, in preparing for winter, gathers only what it needs. This medicine teaches us to discard not only unnecessary physical objects but those negative beliefs which limit our trust in love and abundance.

It was a day that I was unsure of what realm I am in.  Not connected to anything or anyone – just a free spirit.  So tired. Todd hurt my feelings.  I know there was no intent.  I am not sure what is going to change for me work that gives me the experience I want there.  It is sad.  I am there for a reason.  So why on this deep earthly journey do I work there?

Spirit Dad:  You lived another day.

Me:  I did.  There is never a question as to whether I will live or not.  The question is how I will choose to live this day.  Today I chose to move through it while experience the pain and the sorrow.  I connected with Chuck a little.

Spirit Dad:  That is a beginning.  There is nothing to fear in him.

Me:  This is overwhelming for me and I understand.  I can’t imagine how it is for him.  If he feels overwhelmed by it, he won’t know it and will stand in judgment of me and then leave.

Spirit Dad:  He may choose that.  That isn’t how it is supposed to go with the two of you.  It is soon time to enter his own world to understand.

Me:  I am so tired.  This has worn me out emotionally, physically, spiritually.  I feel done in and yet driven from the inside to continue.  Why?

Spirit Dad:  You will know as it comes to you.  You have done well.

Me:  You know, I am really tired tonight and don’t know that I can process anymore.  Maybe I will just rest tonight.  Look at my house.  I haven’t even paid attention and it is in horrible shape.

Spirit Dad:  It is and that is okay.  Let it go tonight.

Me:  I’ve been lost.  You know.  I’ve done good.  Real good.  That just went through me.  I’ve processed intensely and have been committed to it.  I haven’t run away or put everything back on the shelf.  I’ve taken on the feelings which I hide from.  Yes, I am tired.

Spirit Dad:  You’ve done amazingly well.  You are so courageous and strong  moving forward no matter what you are experiencing at the moment.  You are tenacious and have overcome much.

Me:  There is more isn’t there?

Spirit Dad:  Yes.  Not tonight.  Take the time to rest and heal.  You need some time for this to process through for you.

Me:  Ok.  Off to bed.

Good night sleep last night.  Dreamed that Chuck and I were walking up these concrete stairs towards this big expansive building.  We reached out and held hands.  In the holding of the hands was strength, energy, oneness.  Our spirits were joyful.  We approached the front of the building and the double doors to the building opened.  Then it was over.  I don’t know what was on the other side of the doors.  At some point we will know.

Today was a joy day for me.  It was good to speak with Chuck today.  So much energy.  I’ve missed talking with him.  It was important for him to not be present this week so I could experience in full what I needed to experience.

Me:  Dad, I am sorry for all the things I did as a child to harm you.

Spirit Dad:  No need for being sorry.  Children fight with their parents.  In your case you had so much going on within you, it had to be expressed.  Your human journey was tough for you.  It was very tough.

Me:  I danced with you tonight.  Thank you for that gift.

Spirit Dad:  You’ve come a long way with me to dance.

Me:  It is sorrowful to think about the lifetime we missed.

Spirit Dad:  It is sorrowful what you experienced in this lifetime.  They were some incredible experiences and lessons for you.  There is more.

Me:  I know.  I just need to know where to go with it.

Spirit Dad:  Your mother.

Me:  What more is there?

Spirit Dad:  Let it come.

Me:  Mother, I am sorry I wasn’t the daughter you wanted.  I am sorry for letting you down.

Mother:  No reason to be sorry.  You couldn’t be the daughter I wanted.  That would have gone against the experience.  Considering all the trauma your father and I created for you, you’ve done well.  I am not sure I could have endured and lived.

Me:  I am fairly certain you wouldn’t from what I know about you in human form.  I viewed you as a weak woman.

Mother:  In human form I was weak.  That weakness was expressed against you.

Me:  I didn’t want to be like you at all.  I’ve always been intolerant of weakness.  I am getting better with accepting it.  I saw strength in Father and that is what I wanted strength.

Mother:  Within all humans is a blend of weakness and strength.  In your father and me and within yourself weakness and strength did not co-exist.  It is by the integration of weakness and strength that authentic expression exists.  Humans learn authentic strength from their weakness.  One could not exist without the other.

Me:  I have weakness inside of me and have spent my life denying and pretending it didn’t exist and would not let other people see it.  I was always afraid people would use my weakness against me to harm me like you and father did.  Weakness is vulnerability to me.

Mother:  Weakness is a form of vulnerability.  Vulnerability is more than weakness.  Being vulnerable means being open and honest with who you are as a person.  It is showing the side of you that is loving, tender, gentle, warm, sensitive.

Me:  I haven’t done vulnerability too well.  Was very unsafe in the home.  If I showed it to anyone, they would betray it somehow.

Mother:  You learned your lesson well.

Me:  I cry so easily now and I am very open with Chuck.  My guess is that will translate beyond him.

Mother:  It will.  Do you know daughters learn about men from their mothers and fathers?

Me:  Yes I am aware of that.  I learned women are cold, victims, weak and men are haters and abusers.

Mother:  Yes that is what you learned.  You are learning there is so much more to people than your initial judgments.

Me:  I’ve been working on letting go of judgments for a long time now and looking at people’s heart.  I’ve always done that.  It just was easier when people are victims or not connected to experiences in my life.  The universe has brought into my life particularly this past year and a half people that challenged that within me.  A lot of opportunities for lessons as I chose to see their hearts and not the skin.  It isn’t always comfortable for me and I don’t always get it right.  Easy to love the lovable and not so easy to love those who push all my buttons.

Mother:  You’ve done well.  You are even beginning to see our hearts.  That takes a lot of courage and fortitude.

Me:  At first I wasn’t.  I was locked into my victimization.  I didn’t know that so much.  Thought I moved on, but it was only an illusion.  I shelved it.

Mother:  It is a large evidence room.

Me:  Yes it is.

This entry was posted in EMDR, Emotional Abuse, Loving Self, Physical Abuse, Prison, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Transformation and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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