Healing from Sexual Abuse – A Transformational Journey – Part 18

Dream last night had the number 30 in it.  When counted numerological here is the interpretation.

Three signifies life, vitality, inner strength, completion, imagination, creativity, energy, self-exploration and experience. Three stands for a trilogy, as in the past, present, and future or father, mother, and child or body, mind, and soul, etc.

I am not sure where to go to from here.  I don’t want to force the process.

Me:  Mother, Father, any idea where to go to from here?

Spirit Dad:  Open your heart and see what it sees and let it lead you.

Me:  I’ve been doing that and nothing is coming.  Are we finished?

Spirit Dad:  Not yet.  There is some more.

Another night and day has passed without sensing a direction in my processing.   God, Spirit, please allow me to open and remain open to whatever comes my way.  I don’t know how that happens, I only know that it does.  I feel sadness inside and not sure where that is connected.  Is it sadness because of all the processing or sadness to something different.  Sadness.

Spirit Dad:  You are still grieving.  You are in touch with all the pain and loss you experienced and it is sad.  Allow the sadness to be present and not walk away from it.  Once it goes back on the shelf it collects energy.  Allow the sadness to process through.

Me:  Do I have to be present for the sadness or can it just process through without my conscious awareness?

Spirit Dad:  It will do both.  Just know by preventing the flow of grief it prolongs it and it becomes more intense.

Me:  I don’t feel like I am grieving.  I am experiencing a lot of excitement and joy.  Is that not real?

Spirit Dad:  Yes real, but not exclusive of sadness.  What are you afraid of?

Me:  I don’t know.  I don’t like pain – any pain.  I’ve felt like I’ve been dying and that is so painful.

Spirit Dad:  In a way you are dying.  You are dying to the old way of doing things.  Allow everything to be present in you.

Me:  Where do I go?

Spirit Dad:  What are you feeling?

Me:  I am very tired now and just want to sleep?

Spirit Dad:  Avoidance.

Me:  I feel fearful about a lot of things.  I’ve been very aware of that the past couple of days.

I couldn’t stay awake and went to sleep.  Woke up to the tune and word “Helpless, Helpless, Helpless”.  Not the whole song.  Just those words.  Two days now.  What is up with that?  I don’t feel helpless.  I looked up the words of the song and they don’t connect.

Spirit Dad:  Are you sure you don’t feel helpless?  Before your nap you were sharing about being fearful about a lot of things.  When people are fearful sometimes it is because they feel helpless.

Me:  I don’t feel helpless.  Perhaps when I was a small child and then it just got reinforced.  I am not helpless.

Spirit Dad:  That is correct.

Me:  There was nothing I could do to help myself as a child.  I had to just take it.  I was helpless.  Then as I got older, that changed.

Spirit Dad:  What was the outcome when it changed?

Me:  It got worse and I was still helpless.

Spirit Dad:  Do you still carry that with you today?

Me:  No!

Spirit Dad:  Look at what you are afraid of these past two days.

Me:  I was afraid to drive the car to get an ice cream cone because something might happen if I drove the car for an unnecessary reason.  Yet, I drove all around town yesterday running errands without fear.

Spirit Dad:  You had fear before you left.

Me:  Maybe anxiety.  I was anxious about going to the Apple store because I didn’t know where it was and I had never been there and I wasn’t sure what to do when I would get there.

Spirit Dad:  What could happen?

Me:  I could get lost.  I might have wandered all around the big mall and not find it.  They might have laughed at me at the Apple Store because I didn’t know what to do.  I know in reality that all of this is ridiculous.  Intellectually I can walk myself through it so I can do it.

Spirit Dad:  What else?

Me:  I could go buy a pair of hiking boots at a store I have never been in and they would laugh and make fun of me for going hiking because I am so fat.

Spirit Dad:  What else?

Me:  I think that was all of yesterday’s fears.  It is a microcosm of so many fears and anxieties. I think I would prefer to be isolated in my house and know that I am safe than to venture out into the unknown.

Spirit Dad:  Being safe in your house is not really how you feel.

Me:  I do feel safe being in my house.  I get anxious about fires starting.  I am not really afraid of people breaking in anymore.

Spirit Dad:  How were you afraid as a little girl?

Me:  You scared me all the time.  You told me that bears would come and get me.  You threatened to drive off the bridge with me.  You would drive drunk and I was scared to death of you driving off the cliff.  I used to have to roll down the window so I could breathe and everyone one else would be angry.  I was scared if I wasn’t perfect something bad would happen.  I was scared that someone would break inside the house and kill everyone.  I would walk around at night with a baseball bat so I could protect all of you while you all slept.  I was scared that mother would kill herself and it was my fault.

Spirit Dad:  You were scared because we created unreasonable fear within you and you generalized it everywhere in your life.  All the scenarios you names, and all that you didn’t, come from feelings of helplessness – not being in control of the outcome.

Me:  You proud of yourself?  You were so powerful.  I guess by creating those fears in me you could control me and you would be protected and I would look just a little bit crazy.  I can’t stand not being in control because the fear of something bad happening is intense.  The what ifs start playing in my mind.  People don’t understand that in me.  They want to call me a control freak.  They want to make fun of me or they want to intensify the fear.  I don’t talk about it with people.  It is hard to let kids have fun because something bad might happen.  That is why I like having the kids in the house where I can contain them.  I am always looking at everything in every direction.  When I haven’t done that, something bad happens.  It is exhausting and I feel controlled.

Spirit Dad:  It is time to heal that within you.

Me:  I’ve tried a lifetime to heal that within me and it doesn’t go away.  I intellectually talk myself through it, but the underlying feelings don’t go away.  I asked God to help me.  I took medications.  I’ve done therapy.  The fears don’t go away.  I hide them, but they don’t go away.

Spirit Dad:  What about talking to the helpless part of yourself.

Me:  This seems so insignificant.  I manage these fears / anxieties just find.

Spirit Dad:  They control you and keep you from living the life you want.

Me:  I manage just fine.  I am okay with the life I have.

Spirit Dad:  No you are not.  You get angry with yourself for those feelings and thoughts.  You don’t let anyone see them.  They are very well protected.  They keep you from experiencing your life fully.

Me:  I don’t want to deal with this.

Spirit Dad:  You’ve dealt with so much over the past few weeks.  This scares you because you are looking at your helplessness and by doing so you might heal and then what?

Me:  I am not helpless.

Spirit Dad:  You keep yourself from feeling helpless by finding ways of being in control.

Me:  Damn you.  If you hadn’t violated all the God given, intrinsic boundaries that humans are born with I seriously doubt that I would have these issues.  You chose to violate the boundaries.  You chose to scare the crap out of me.  If I wasn’t good enough, perfect enough, made mistakes.  How can I trust anything or anyone when you ripped that away from me?

Spirit Dad:  Precisely why you have the opportunity now to process through it.

Me:  It makes me angry that I have to do this and you sit in your fancy little spirit world not having a thing to worry about.

He doesn’t respond.  Not that I would expect him to.  After all he always has to be right.  I am pissed off right now.

Spirit Dad:  Good you are angry.  Don’t let the angry win this one.  Don’t let it be the end of this for you.  You have every right to be angry.  You also have every right to heal this within you.  I know you can’t imagine what it would be like to not feel worried anytime you might want to have fun or worried when you make the smallest of mistakes.

Me:  I don’t want people to get hurt because of anything I do or say or want.  I want people to feel okay about themselves and not have to suffer.

Spirit Dad:  As you are learning through this experience, things happen as they should not because you did anything wrong, but because that is the plan.  Sometimes people have to hurt to move them along their journey.  Sometimes things have to change for them to embrace the fullness of their journey.  You can’t control their outcomes by holding onto your fears or holding yourself back.

Me:  People experience so much pain and suffering.  If I can prevent that, I want to.

Spirit Dad:  Then you are keeping yourself from your experiences in this lifetime.  You can’t stop the pain and the suffering in this world.  You are not the cause nor the fix.

Me:  I think that is a cop out.  We are responsible for our choices and when our choices create pain for someone else, then it is our fault.  If I murdered someone, then it is my fault and I live with the consequences of that experience.  I can’t imagine a jury in the world who would say “not guilty by reason of predestination”!

Spirit Dad:  You are looking at it from the human perspective.

Me:  I am human last time I checked.  Even if I looked at it from the spiritual perspective, we are still responsible for our choices.

Spirit Dad:  Yes you are.  It also means that it happens as it should.  Now you might not choose to make a certain choice to prevent pain and suffering, and that person doesn’t get the experience he/she asked for on this earth.

Me:  Perhaps it is to be my experience not to make choices that create pain and suffering for someone else.

Spirit Dad:  You don’t make choices that intentionally harm other people for the sole purpose of creating them pain.  You have a kind and gentle heart.  That kind and gentle heart doesn’t mean that people won’t get hurt because of your choices.  Things happen as they should.

Me:  If I am smarter or better than someone else for a job for a game or whatever, I hold back so they don’t have to experience losing.  I choose to lose rather than someone else having that experience.

Spirit Dad:  By doing that, you limit who you are.  By doing that you don’t allow other people to experience loss which is a valuable lesson.

Me:  It just sort of hit me that sounds like I am being a martyr.

Spirit Dad:  In a way yes, but don’t judge yourself.  Judgment is unproductive.

Me:  I learned this at a very young age when you all wanted me to lose so my sister wouldn’t be upset.  You didn’t want me to tell anyone if you did something special for me, because they may get upset.  I had to always step aside so everyone else could get what they needed or wanted.

Spirit Dad:  That is correct.  Now you get to experience transformation in that area.  Now you can step into the fullness of who you are and just live life without worrying about the outcome.  Yes, some people will get hurt in the process, but perhaps that is what they need for their journey.

Me:  I keep hearing “Helpless, Helpless, Helpless” going through my head.

Spirit Dad:  Do you believe you are helpless?

Me:  I don’t feel helpless.  I experience fear and anxiety mostly about the what ifs in life.  Is helpless underlying it?  Then maybe, but I don’t feel it.

Spirit Dad:  I doubt you would allow yourself to feel helpless.  That would be too frightening and painful for you to experience.

Me:  Lonely, scared, abandoned, hurt, pain seem to be associated with helpless.

I went looking for Helpless inside of myself to see if there was a part associated with Helpless and I found helpless.  Helpless is chained to the wall.  I am experiencing this reluctance in dealing with helpless.  I want to avoid helpless.  I just don’t want to deal with it.

Spirit Dad:  Helpless has been a very useful part of yourself.

Me:  Sure it has.  All parts are useful.  This is just one part I don’t want to deal with.

Spirit Dad:  Why not?

Me:  I am not sure why.  I don’t have the answer.  I see helpless and she looks pathetic.

Spirit Dad:  You judge yourself as pathetic?

Me:  I do this part of myself.  I have little respect for helpless.

Spirit Dad:  That is harsh.

Me:  It is harsh and it is true.  I can’t even connect to her.

I see here there and there is no feeling of love, connection, responsibility.  Nothing.  I just see this pathetic part of myself attached to the wall not even trying to get free.  It annoys me.

Spirit Dad:  Do you realize that you are as reluctant to deal with the part of yourself as you were with your mother?

Me:  That is true.  I guess she reminds me of my mother – weakness, helplessness, can’t do anything.  I hated that in my mother and I don’t much like it in this part of myself.

Spirit Dad:  It is important you deal with the part of yourself for your healing.  As long as she remains attached to the wall and connected you won’t have the life you want for yourself.

Me:  I just don’t want to deal with her.  I don’t want to see that part of myself.  I just want it to go away.

Spirit Dad:  You were weak and vulnerable and helpless as a child.  Think of children you know.  Are they able to control everything in their life?  Can they control the adult people in their life?  Can they manage crisis situations?  You were that child.  That part of you had to be put away so you could live out your childhood.  You were a vulnerable, helpless little girl that no one helped.  You learned this part of yourself was better isolated and chained in a room not to be expressed at all.  The problem is she is still there.

Me:  I don’t like to see myself as vulnerable, weak and helpless.

Spirit Dad:  It is important for you and helpless to connect.  Learn what you can with her and then allow her freedom to go to the meadow.

Me:  Don’t know how to connect with her.

I am looking at her and she looks pathetic and I want to walk away from her.  Pitiful.

Me:  Helpless do you want out of your chains or do you want to stay there?

Spirit Dad:  She is a child, Mary Lynn.  She is a little you.  You are very compassionate and loving with other people.  Can you show that to this part of yourself?

I guess that was a little harsh.  I am so resistant to this part of myself.  Hmmm.  Very interesting.  I go over and unlock the chains from the wall.  She is waif looking with this big eyes staring at me not saying much.  What can she say.  I would just reject her anyway just like I always rejected her.  I sit there and just stare at her.  She stares back waiting for something.  What does she want from me?  I let her free.

Spirit Dad:  She wants the same thing you would give to other people and to other parts of yourself.  She can’t help it if she is like her mother?

Me:  Helpless, I am sorry you were chained to the wall all these years.  Feeling vulnerable and helpless didn’t serve me very well.  Too much pain and sorrow.   I needed to be strong and capable and competent and not show weakness.

Helpless:  I know.

Me:  Because of your helplessness and vulnerability we were hurt.

Spirit Dad:  Not true.  You were helpless and vulnerable and were hurt.  It wasn’t her fault.

Me:  I guess I blamed you for getting hurt.  I blamed you for the abuse and not fighting.  I blamed you for causing all of it.  If you weren’t around, it wouldn’t have happened.

Damn tears.  I blamed the little girl for just being a little girl.  She wasn’t like mother.  She was a little girl.  How can a little girl fight back with a grown up.  She can’t.  I blamed her all my life for not being stronger, for being weak.  If you didn’t exist, it wouldn’t have happened.  Helpless just stares at me.

Me:  I was wrong to blame you.  You were just a little one and father took advantage of your weakness and your helplessness.  You did nothing wrong.  It was me.  Parts of me have been fighting all my life to keep you locked up including me.  I am sorry for doing that.  I couldn’t handle you, though.  It has been a tough life and having you present just would make it tougher.

Helpless:  I’m sorry I didn’t fight back.  I’m sorry I wasn’t strong like the other parts.

Me:  You have nothing to be sorry for, missy.  You are just you doing your job.  You are a very important part of me that has been missing that balances out the rest of us.  We’ve been fighting forever and now we need you to balance us out to bring harmony to who we are.  I am so sorry for the pain and the memories.  I know you’ve been living with them for a lifetime over and over and they never stop because you’ve been chained to them.  I am sorry I didn’t listen for you or hear you before now.  I wasn’t ready.  I’ve always blamed you and I’m sorry.

Helpless:  He did it and I couldn’t fight.  I tried.

Me:  It is okay.  I know you went away and someone else came in.  It is okay.  He was an adult and you were a little girl.  You were weak because you were little.  You were helpless because you were little.  You didn’t do anything wrong.  You had to let it happen.  I am sorry for what you went through.

Helpless:  What do you want from me now?

Me:  I want you to be part of me to balance out strength and invulnerability.  I want your vulnerability to soften me to open my heart more to love more to receive love more.  You are no longer helpless.

I am feeling like I am going to throw up.  This is the part that gave me the vomiting dream the other night.  She has held on this for over 50 years living the abuse.  Being the recipient of the abuse and now she needs to get rid of it.

Me:  Tell me your experience.

Helpless:  He came in that night and I thought he was going to hug me and kiss me goodnight.  I don’t know why I thought that because he didn’t do that before.  Instead he lay down beside me and put his hand up my nightgown and started moving against me.  He was hurting me.  I didn’t know what to do so I just laid there.  His body was so strong.

Me:  I am sorry.  It made you feel real sick to your tummy, didn’t it.  I can feel it in mine.

Helpless:  I wanted to throw up but I knew if I did I would get in trouble for making a mess.

Me:  That sounds like mother.

Helpless:  I didn’t know what to do.  I was so scared and he was so big and I didn’t really know what happened except it hurt.

Me:  I know it is hard to understand when you are so young.

Helpless:  I cried by myself that night.  I had to be quiet so not to wake up mommy.

Me:  Was this before or after the sister was born?

Helpless:  Before.  A little before.

Me:  Did it happen a lot after that?

Helpless:  Yup.

Me:  I am sorry.  You were just a little girl and endured something no little girl should have to endure.

Helpless:  I was bad?

Me:  No.  You weren’t bad.  I treated you as if you were bad and to blame.  You weren’t bad or to blame.

Helpless:  You treated me badly.  Kept me locked away.

Me:  I know.  I didn’t understand.  I was wrong.  I was hurting you like they hurt you and I am sorry.  I want you to be fee now and be part of me.  I want to change your name so it isn’t helpless anymore.

Helpless:  Ok.

Me:  What do you want to be called?

Helpless:  Harmony.

Me:  That is a good name.  Harmony it is.  It will bring balance to my life.  Vulnerability, yielding and surrendering in peace when necessary.

Harmony:  Thank you.

Me:  Harmony, I would like you to merge with me tonight and be a part of me so you will never be alone again or know abuse again.  I will protect you and keep you safe and allow you to exist.  No more chains.  No more isolation.  I welcome your vulnerability.  Teach me what I need to know about being vulnerable and I will keep you safe.

I open my arms and she walks right into them.  I hold her close to my heart as she joins me.  There is no fighting but a willingness to surrender within me.  I welcome this new part of myself.  Harmony.  Vulnerability.  I allow her to exists freely within knowing that I will know when being vulnerable will not work.

Spirit Dad:  How do you feel?

Me:  Tired.  I am glad she is a part of me.  You screwed her up pretty good.

Spirit Dad:  In human form, I did.  It was important for you to find this part of yourself so you can move forward in your life.  No piece of you needs to be left behind because you are uncomfortable with it.

Me:  I couldn’t be vulnerable and helpless with anyone.  I am a fighter and I think that has caused some of my problems in life.

Spirit Dad:  Fighting and being strong is good.  There is always a time for balance and you were unable to balance because this part was missing.

Me:  I don’t know what to expect now.  I am a little afraid of allowing vulnerability.  It has hurt so much in the past.

Spirit Dad:  Allow for it.  If you hurt, then you are living.  You are risking.  You are participating fully in life.  Without all the parts of you present, you miss out on life.  Life is about living fully.  It is about joy and sorrow, war and peace, disharmony and harmony, sadness and happiness, anxiety and tranquility, hate and love.  One doesn’t exist without the other.

Me:  If you hadn’t kept your agreement with me, I never would have experienced what I experienced in life.  I’ve known such deep sorrow and also great joy.  I’ve been hurt in ways many people will never experience.  I am also experiencing healing.

Me:  I blamed myself for the abuse where the blame needed to be with you and mother.  I carried the blame and the shame which is why the vulnerability could not be integrated.  I had to be strong because I was to blame.

Spirit Dad:  That was your experience.

Me:  You and mother did everything to ensure I would feel that blame and shame.

Spirit Dad:  It was part of what we were sent there to do.

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This entry was posted in EMDR, Emotional Abuse, Loving Self, Physical Abuse, Prison, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Transformation and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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