Healing from Sexual Abuse – A Transformational Journey – Part 19

I slept last night, but so very tired.  I feel such sadness this morning and tears are flowing again.  I am not sure why.

I’ve been kind of sad and quiet today.  Not much for interacting with anyone.  Kind of wanting to be isolated.  I feel so irritable as well.  I so much wanted to be at home by myself.  That desire is becoming more and more common.  There is so much going on with me that sometimes it is just hard to be around people.  Some things need to be said but don’t know if they are supposed to be said.  Perhaps I am just impatient and trying to control everything.  Waiting is so hard.  Yet, if I take things into my own hands will the outcome be the right outcome?  Then there is this sadness.  When will Todd see my real value and reward me with position and salary?  It hurts when he talks about hiring other people in at the higher salaries and hasn’t considered me.  A few weeks ago he mentioned to me that he would like to increase wages etc., but it hasn’t happened.  Turns out he is no different than the others.  No, I am not going to ask him.  He sees my value and rewards it or he doesn’t see my value.  I can’t control him.  I can’t make him see it anymore than I could make my parents see it.

Spirit Dad:  And that is what makes you sad about Todd.

Me:  Yes.  You and mother never saw my value or treated me as value when you were alive.  I kept seeking it and wanting it and hoping I would find the right thing to do or say that you would value me.  I am doing the same thing with Todd except now I am older and he is either going to get it or not and then the decision on how to respond is mine just like it has been all my life.

Spirit Dad:  When you let others define your value, then they have power over you and can use it for you or against you.  When you define your own value no one can take it from you.

Me:  He is my boss and has the power to demonstrate value to me.  He has for himself and for Chuck.  I see my value but don’t have the power to demonstrate financially or positionally that value.  So, the choices I have is to stay or leave.

Spirit Dad:  You leave a lot you know.  The grass isn’t always greener.

Me:  My feelings are hurt.  Yes, I know this is business and feelings have no place in business.  You taught me well.  The reality is right now my feelings are hurt and that makes me very angry and very irritable.  I would prefer not to have hurt feelings.  It isn’t Todd’s fault my feelings are hurt.  They are just hurt right now.

Spirit Dad:  You are going through a lot right now with yourself.  Your feelings are very much on the surface and can get jumbled up.

Me:  I’ve worked so hard to be valuable.  I work long hours.  I created this business and then to be dismissed is painful.

Spirit Dad:  You’ve worked all of your life to be valuable.  You always work hard.  That is who you are.  Your value has nothing to do with your job or with other people.  Your value comes from who you are as a person.

Me:  They don’t see that.  They use me just like you and mother used me and others after you.  I allow it.  You always told me I was a “goody two shoes” and let everyone run all over me.  You taught me that.  You and mother were my teachers.

Spirit Dad:  This really isn’t about Todd.  Todd is only the trigger.  This is about you and how you feel about yourself.

Me:  I don’t want to give of myself anymore in hopes of recognition.

Spirit Dad:  Again, this is not about anyone else except yourself.  This is the time to take care of yourself.  You can do this job with one hand behind your back.  It is way below your capabilities.  It allows you this processing time.  Don’t rush things right now.  Be content to sit in the back of the bus.

Me:  I am having a real hard time with this whole vulnerability thing.  I feel shaken inside.  I know it is good for me, but frankly I am just a little uneasy with the whole thing.  I like the “I am woman, hear me roar”, side of myself.  I feel strong and no one, I mean no one, can hurt me or touch me or abuse me again.

Spirit Dad:  It keeps people away from you.

Me:  Precisely.

Spirit Dad:  If you continue with that independent, self-serving demeanor, it will keep you from achieving your goals.

Me:  It will keep me safe from hurt.

Spirit Dad:  Aren’t you hurting now?

Me:   Yes.  There are a lot of reasons for it.  How can being more vulnerable and weak help me in my lifetime?  I don’t have a clue.  I don’t need vulnerability to show kindness or gentleness or love.

Spirit Dad:  You need it to receive kindness, gentleness and love.  You don’t receive those because you don’t allow your vulnerability to be real.  You block out the very things you want.  To open the door to all abundance for you requires vulnerability.  Vulnerability gives you the capacity to trust, to want, to need, to receive.  You lock all that out.

Me:  It has always hurt to want or to need.  It is just easier to keep the stone walls ups around me.

I see needing and wanting as a weakness.  I don’t want to be weak.  I want to be strong like my father was strong.  He didn’t want or need anything.  He was powerful.

Spirit Dad:  In human form, I was powerless.  I didn’t know it and that is why I sought so much power to cover up the powerlessness.  You learned to hide your powerlessness in your illusion of independence.  Needing or wanting are not weaknesses.  Unless you recognize needs and wants in your life, you will not have those things.

Me:  I disagree.

Me:  Do you realize that every time I have been vulnerable with somebody, I was hurt terribly by that person?

Spirit Dad:  I do know that.  You didn’t know how to choose the right people to be vulnerable with.  You kept choosing people that would give you the same response as your childhood did.

Me:  I chose to shut everyone out of my life for good.  No one would ever get close enough to hurt me again.  No one would ever know that I had a need or a want again.  No one would ever have that power over me again.

Spirit Dad:  You shut out everybody.  When you don’t allow people and experiences into your life you cease to live your life.  Yes, you keep from being hurt, but you also keep from living.

Me:  I let Benedikte close and now Chuck.  Chuck is probably even closer.  They see the real me and yet I still hide some of it. Perhaps not much anymore.  Obviously since I am letting Chuck read this.  When people have seen the real me, they have wanted to move on.  It was too much for them.  It isn’t a pretty picture and who I am isn’t real pretty.

Spirit Dad:  You’ve been courageous to share with Chuck.  It is how it is supposed to me but ultimately it is your choice.

Me:  Yes, it is my choice.

Spirit Dad:  You feel safe with him.  You feel safe with Benedikte.

Me:  I do for the most part but I know how fragile it is.  There is a part of me that waits for the other shoe to drop so to speak.

Spirit Dad:  Could it be that it won’t happen.  What if you let go of that picture and just allow yourself to feel safe, to feel loved.

Me:  You taught me always to be prepared for the inevitable.  That is what I do in all situations.  It is tiring.

Spirit Dad:  It is good to be prepared but not to the point you cease to live in the present.  Worrying about the what ifs in life won’t help you.

I am crying again and I don’t know why I am crying.  Is living really this complicated?  Why is it so hard to get all of this?  I get it.  I guess it is hard to live it.

Mother:  Crying is good for you.  It is how you will process through your life.  It allows you to experience vulnerability.

Me:  I don’t want to be like you.  You were weak and helpless.

Mother:  In human form I was.  You don’t have to be like that.

Me:  Did you try to kill yourself?  I remember something about that?  For so many years I would come home from school and if you weren’t there, I would look through the cupboards to make sure you didn’t overdose?  Isn’t that a weird thing for a child to do?  So, I must have known something we never talked about?

Mother:  I did overdose one time.

Me:  I remember now.  The ambulance took you out of the house and you were wearing an oxygen mask.

Mother:  That is right.  I gave up on living.  I was mad at your father.  I was tired of being a mother.

Me:  You wanted to be taken care of because you never could be the adult.

Mother:  You were there.

Me:  I was scared.  I was responsible for you.  Father always said if something happened to you, it would be my fault.  If I woke up at night and you and dad weren’t there I would run through the whole house looking for you.  I would be sick to my stomach because I was sure you were dead somewhere.  I had a lot of worry on my shoulders.

Mother:  Yes you did and you still carry it.

Me:  I’ve let a lot go because it is such an annoyance to other people as it was to you.

Mother:  You don’t have to fight anymore.  It is over.  You can release and let go and be who you are.  There is no one who will hurt you anymore.  Just live your life fully.  Embrace all the wonder you have before you.

Me:  Fighting everything and everyone is such a habit for me.  It is always my first response whether I show it or not.  It is fight or flight with me.  Rarely is it anything different.

Mother:  Except for now.  You are not always fighting and you are not leaving.  You are open to learning something new.

Me:  I feel like I should already have gotten this.  I feel shame.

Mother:  You didn’t have much to get it from.  You’ve had to survive and now you don’t.  Now you can let go and live and have that life you wanted.

I feel compassion from my mother!!??  That is odd.  That is something I never felt.  She is sharing it now with me.  I feel her presence and I don’t want to run away.  I don’t want to accept what she is offering, but I don’t want to run away from her either.  I want to want to accept it.

Mother:  I only have love for you.  I cannot hurt you in spirit form.  I want to keep you safe from harm.  I want to protect you.  The ultimate love and protection I can give you now is to be present as you transform – to encourage you to take the risks that will give you the full experience of your life because I know that is what you want.

Me:  I see us standing in a desert.  Sand all around.  Hot.  It is just you and me.

Mother:  It doesn’t have to be a desert experience.  You could have a different picture if you choose.

Me:  All my life I’ve never been good enough for you.  You always compared me to other people and I always fell short.  A lot had to deal with my femaleness.  My body was wrong.  The way I walked was wrong.  I was too competitive.  I didn’t want to be female.  Being female meant being like you and I didn’t want to be like you.  You equated female with being popular and having lots of friends.  You didn’t accept that I was content hiding in my room and reading books and being by myself.  I was no different then than I am today except now I can choose.

Mother:  I had a version of what it meant to be female.  In that day and age it was what it was supposed to be.  I had no other model.  It was frustrating that you weren’t fitting into that model.

Me:  I wanted to be like father.  That is who I identified with. You were weak and manipulative.  He was powerful and strong.

Me:  You know this isn’t going anywhere and it really isn’t very important – the female / male thing.  I don’t fit into the sexy female body or role that you expected.  I don’t fit into the male world either.  I am just me whoever the hell that is.  I don’t really have an issue with it.  I would like to be a sexy female but that has never been me.  I have a beautiful soul, though and if people miss it, that is their loss.  I am too old for all that other bullcrap.

Mother:  What do you want?

Me:  I want to be accepted for who I am no matter who that is.

Spirit Dad:  You must first accept yourself and you haven’t done that yet.  When you accept yourself, than you will know that others accept you.  You fight yourself.  You put cloaks on that isn’t really who you are.

Me:  I do accept myself.  I do it a lot better when no one else is around.

I am tired of this conversation and doubt it is very productive or useful in the long run.  Good night.

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This entry was posted in EMDR, Emotional Abuse, Loving Self, Physical Abuse, Prison, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Transformation and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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