Okay so I didn’t go to bed. I am aware that I am fighting myself and this process. I am really struggling with vulnerability and what that means. I can’t get past the belief that vulnerability and weakness are one in the name. It really doesn’t matter what I was taught or why I have that belief system. What matters is that I accept it, change it and live the rest of my life differently.
Spirit Dad: Sounds like that makes you angry. You got it intellectually again, but Mary look at the heart and see with the heart. The same as you would with anyone else, do for yourself.
Mary: When I do that, I don’t like what I see and then I don’t like myself and then I reject myself and I call myself names.
Spirit Dad: That is productive.
Mary: How does one get okay with vulnerability? How do I change my belief system? Vulnerability equals pain and abandonment. How can I be okay with it?
Spirit Dad: Because it softens you and helps you not fight all the time. Sometimes it hurts to be vulnerable. That is the risk you take and is part of living. Being vulnerable is only allow the full you, the total you to be present. Harmony is inside of you now to bring that balance and you are fighting her. Have you yet to surrender?
Mary: Vulnerability and surrender. Good golly. How do I do that?
Spirit Dad: Remain open and allow. Continue sharing yourself. When you feel that strong, independent part of yourself, balance it out.
Mary: How will I be perceived? Weak?
Spirit Dad: I doubt it. People will see you. They will see your heart. Transparent. You don’t need to fight for yourself anymore. No more abuse. It is over. You can breathe and live and have the complete experience of life you longed for. In order to do that, you need to accept all the parts of yourself and to be fully present.
Now I am going to bed.
Got a few hours sleep. As tired as I was I had a hard time getting to sleep. For the first time in years I experienced some nervousness / fear about someone breaking into my home. Odd that would happen. I feel vulnerable in my house not something I want. Guess it is something to look at though. Even as I sit here and write at 5:30 in the am I am hearing these little sounds outside my windows. Seriously, this needs to stop. My dog isn’t barking so I know nothing is going on out there. It is easier for me to feel strong and independent with zero vulnerability.
I had this dream last night. This person and I were running from these 3 men. We ran up to the top of this large hill in the deadwoods – dead trees. The deadwoods were so thick that we could hide in there. I looked down the hill and saw the men crossing the calm river at a place that was shallow. I was wondering how they could do that with the piranhas in the river. After they crossed I felt safe. I turned and looked behind me and I saw this huge water coming towards us and I realized someone had released the dam and we were about ready to be swept away. I said “damn, we are going to get caught up in the white river rapids and drown”. Then I said “ride the first crest of the river and go with the flow until it crosses us over to the other side.” We did that and the water carried us to the other side and we were safe.
There are a lot of emotions going on inside of me right now. I know I’ve moved from existing in life to living in life. I know if I just go with the flow everything will turn out okay. If I could just hide from the world until that happens, it would be better.
Spirit: When you allow vulnerability to blend with who you are you are open and receptive to other people.
Me: As much as I want to be open and receptive for love and acceptance, I don’t know if I can. It is way hard and perhaps it is better to live the way I have lived. It hasn’t been bad. It has been okay. Perhaps the risk is greater than I am willing to take. Yes, it could be good, but I just don’t want the pain anymore. Just once I want it to just happen as it should.
Spirit Dad: Then let it. Your need to control is great because your fear of hurt is great. If you just go with the flow, you might find some new and interesting things in your life.
Me: I want to know I am safe. I know it is wrong to feel that way. I know there are no guarantees in life and like you said life doesn’t promise a rose garden. So maybe I should see the thorns and live accordingly. I don’t know how to do it any other way.
Spirit Dad: You choose known safety even if it hurts then risk living even though it might hurt. That is very interesting.
Me: I don’t like this conversation. You don’t get it. You had it all.
Spirit Dad: Apparently I did not have it all. Look at the life I lead and look how I hurt you. That isn’t having it all.
Me: I don’t blame you guys. I am the way I am because of what you did. I stay the way I am by my own choices. I know it is up to me to change my reality. I get that. You can walk away knowing that it is on my shoulders. I am asking nothing of you or anybody for that matter.
Spirit Dad: You are rejecting before being rejected. Controlling again.
Me: Like I said. I don’t blame you. My life is up to me now and has been for many years. This vulnerability thing may be way beyond me and I am okay with that.
Spirit Dad: You always settle. You settle because the risk of wanting is way too hard. What if you get hurt? You get hurt. That is life. Children play and they fall and they bruise and they get up and play some more. They don’t worry about it so much. You, fall down and hurt and you don’t want to do it again.
Me: I risked a lot for many years with many different people and the payoff was pain.
Spirit Dad: Were they instrumental in moving you forward in your life to the next step?
Me: Yes they were. Now, I want. I have to stop wanting. There is no value to wanting only disappointment because I can’t have.
Spirit Dad: Being vulnerable allows you to open to receive. It is hard for you to receive because of the sex abuse, because of the pain that always followed. Heal this and risk living.
Me: For what reason?
Spirit Dad: For yourself because you are worth it.
Me: I know I am worth it. That isn’t the issue. The issue is I need to be strong and invincible. I need my wits about me. There are enough people who will do me harm unless I am prepared and ready.
Spirit Dad: Controlling. What if you just went with the flow of life and see where it leads without having the answers, without the fear of the what ifs.
Me: I do that all the time.
Spirit Dad: Not really. You go with the flow but in a very controlled way.
Me: How do I do this? Is surrender and vulnerability the same thing? I give up and I am needy. Don’t think so. Characteristics that are not part of who I am.
I don’t know why I am struggling so much with this. I have so many tears in my throat and I am fighting them. I wonder why I am fighting them. I am fighting for control and holding on to what I have. The fear is in my throat. I won’t die if I get hurt yet I must be strong. What is up with that?
I don’t even know why I am processing anymore. I am so done with this and everything else. I am tired. I am not able to experience this vulnerability etc. I am so done. There is no value to it. I am saying goodbye now.
Spirit Dad: It isn’t time to say good bye. Don’t quit and give up. Quitting and giving up ensures you will never make it to the place you want.
Me: I can’t do this. This is me. Changing me isn’t happening and to believe in the possibility is nothing more than an illusion.
Spirit Dad: What are you angry at?
Spirit Dad: What have you done wrong?
Me: Not getting it right.
Spirit Dad: You’ve done great. Be patient and allow it to settle in.
Me: I don’t want it. I don’t want any of this. I want you gone.
Spirit Dad: I know you don’t. Shutting down doesn’t change anything for you. Remember what you want to achieve.
Me: What value is it?
Spirit Dad: You are worth it.
Spirit Dad: Yes. You don’t quit on other people. Why quit on yourself?
Me: I don’t see the value. What value is there?
Spirit Dad: What value are you?
Me: I know I have value and I have worth.
Spirit Dad: I don’t think so in your heart.
Me: I don’t see the value of having it in my heart.
Spirit Dad: Don’t let circumstances or other people define your experience.
Me: I am not. I am defining my experience.
Spirit Dad: You are feeling out of control and not allowing yourself to go with the flow.
Spirit Dad: You are. Being in control provides you security and peace.
Me: Yes it does. I know what to expect. I am sad and frustrated and don’t know how to get my arms around this whole stuff.
Spirit Dad: Open to it.
Me: Open to what – God!!!????
Spirit Dad: That would be a start.
Me: I don’t even know who God is anymore. I don’t want to be open with anyone. I like my own private world.
Spirit Dad: You get lonely.
Me: Lonely I can handle. I dealt with loneliness all my life. Nothing new to me.
Spirit Dad: Hard when you are not in control.
Me: Why are we having this conversation? I suck at this. We can agree on that.
Spirit Dad: You don’t suck with any of this. A lifetime belief system is difficult to change and the risk is great for you. It is important for you to know that there is a greater risk by not allowing change.
Me: Will I die?
Spirit Dad: No. You won’t achieve what you came in human form to achieve.
Me: And what is the big deal?
Spirit Dad: You won’t accomplish it all and you will do it again.
Me: I will choose differently next time to have a simple life.
Spirit Dad: Mary Lynn, listen to yourself. Hear what you are saying.
Me: I can’t do this. I can’t. l don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to allow this. I don’t know what to do.
Spirit Dad: Allow for the flow of life. Choose it.
Me: I have and nothing changes. I don’t change.
Spirit Dad: Patience
Me: Not one of my virtues.
Spirit Dad: Practice it and let it become one of your virtues.
Me: You ask too much of me.
Spirit Dad: I ask only what you requested of us. This experience is your choice. You like to quote Yoda: “Do or do not, there is no try.”
Me: So I do not.
Spirit Dad: Easy way out for you.
Me: No other solution.
Spirit Dad: You want to be a guidepost and a light for other people. You stop that by stopping this process.
Me: No big loss.
Spirit Dad: It is a big loss for you and for the people you can help. For you mostly.
Me: I don’t know what to do or how to do it.
Spirit Dad: Again, you want to be in control. This is a heart thing. See and feel with your heart. What are you afraid of?
Me: I am afraid of hurt. I am afraid of not getting it right. I am afraid of losing. I am afraid of wanting and then finding there is nothing there. I am afraid of endlessness. I am afraid that this is all there is and anything else is an illusion. I live so much in the present, I don’t think about a future. What if there is no future? What if this is all there is?
Spirit Dad: You lose by not embracing. You live in the present because you don’t believe a future is possible for you.
Me: I just don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know what to do. Can’t you get that. How do I do this.
Spirit Dad: First and foremost by loving yourself, by accepting yourself, by embracing your value, by determining you are worth it. These are things that are given when children are young. When they miss out on getting it, then it is something you learn and teach yourself. When you figure all that out, everything will fall into place.
Me: I am tired and don’t want to deal with it anymore.