Healing from Sexual Abuse – A Transformational Journey – Part 21

Long talk with Chuck.  Can’t tell him everything yet.  It will be okay.   Says to just release but don’t know how to release.

Spirit Dad:  Imagine you are in spirit in the forest.  The sun is shining and all is peaceful and joy.  All is love.  Everything is naturally in harmony.  You me.  Everything perfection.  There is no question of release or surrender.  Everything surrenders and yields.  Everything is perfection.  No harm.  Imagine and remember what that was like.

Me:  Peace, calm, serenity, joy, acceptance, love.

Spirit Dad:  That is what happens when you release and surrender and yield and allow yourself vulnerability.  There is no fear, no harm can happen, centered.

Me:  No harm can happen in spirit anyway.  I am aware of this sweet fragrance.  It isn’t strong, but beautiful lightly scented.  Wanting to stay here.  Please let me come back to you.

Spirit Dad:  It isn’t your time.  You can have this now though.  Remember your writing “Why not heaven on earth”.  Here you go.  Why not heaven on earth?  Why not spirit on earth?  Why not now.

Me:  I understand.  How do I trust?

Spirit Dad:  It isn’t about trusting.  It is about living and expecting.

Me:  The scent is stronger now.  More fragrant.  More delightful.

Spirit Dad:  Yes.  Breathe it in and let it flow through your body.  Allow it to penetrate every  cell and every thought and flow through your vessels through the bloodstream delivering renewal and peace and joy and aliveness.  Surrender to this.  Yield to this.

Me:  How do I know..

Spirit Dad:  It isn’t for you to know.  It doesn’t matter the outcome.  You have outcomes you want but they may not be the best for you.  I know that hurts and disappoints you, but stay open to the process, to hearing, to guidance.  You always have listened well to God’s voice God’s speaking.  That is where the wisdom comes from.  Seek joy and peace and love and acceptance and find them indwelling within you now.  No questions.  No answers.  Just wants.  Just wants.  Surrender to your heart.  Surrender to your higher self.  Surrender to the universe to oneness.  Yield in all nature as all nature yields.  Let them be your teacher.

Me:  I feel the energy running through my body.  .  I keep wanting to define my experience and my expectations and my outcomes.

Spirit Dad:  release them.  Release your control.  What happens if you allow the free spirit within you truly express.  What happens if she is out and just being?  Just be.

Me:  I don’t know how to do that.

Spirit Dad:  Release – let her out.  Let your heart out.  Come out and experience the world.  Like a new baby a young child seeing and experiencing the world for the first time.  Be free.

Me:  I want that, but don’t know how.

Spirit Dad:  Let go.  Just let go.  Die to the control and fear.  There is no fear in spirit.  Bring fearlessness to your earthly experience.  Integrate fearlessness to your earthly experience.  Unite peace and harmony and joy and freedom all into one – all that exists within you.  Allow them to show themselves to be present in this world no longer hidden away for fear of contamination.  They are you and exist within you.  Feel the energy inside transform feel the universe pulsating through your body release to the universe all that you yearn for and want.  Release to the universe all that is hidden.  Release.  Release and allow it to flow through your hands outstretched to the universe and it flows out of you and into the lives of the world oneness with the universe that which you want.  Your standing there with all guides and sages and the energy rings flowing out of your through them out to the universe.  Power and silence – a knowing Sending out the vibrations the reverberations reaching out – joining hands and the power goes forth free of definition = free on constraint .  Definition only limits you limits your girst limits experiences – Live feely without definition without constraint – let the soul have full expression  ad it s power is great than you can possibly imagine = that is what lies within you = all that

Me.  Wow.  Me.  I feel so small and yet that is so huge.

Spirit Dad:  You limit yourself by your definitions of yourself and your experiences and your relationships even with Chuck – allow for all possibilities and experiences throughout the entirety of your life right now – all of it – free spirit = you are a free spirit = there are no limitations for you anymore if you choose a limitless life – stand in the circle of oneness and allow the energy to flow through you out of you into the universe.  Do you see yourself do you feel the power.

Me:  I don’t know how I release control and surrender and yield to the universe, I only know that I do now and I am fulfilled.  I don’t know how I receive love and acceptance and companionship, I only know now that I do and I am fulfilled.  I don’t know how I am one with the universe, I only know now that I do and I am fulfilled.  I don’t know how I release expectations and I only know that I do now and I am fulfilled.  I don’t know how Todd values me by increasing my wages and position, I only know now that he does and I am fulfilled.  I don’t know how I stand in my own greatness I only know now that I do and I am fulfilled.  I don’t know how the free spirit within me is expressed, I only know now that she is and I am fulfilled.  I don’t know how to release my defining experiences, I only know now that I do and I am fulfilled.  I don’t know how I experience valuing myself, I only know now that I do and I am fulfilled.  I don’t know how I release limitations, in only know now that I do and I am fulfilled.

I feel this energy surging through my body and out my hands and there are trails of light like being on an acid trip that reach out into the universe and connecting with the tendrils of the universe and I feel them.  I feel the tendrils reaching and touching and caressing every cell of my body infiltrating me the sweet fragrance flowing through me and it is finished.  All finished.  I am fulfilled.  I am one.  Why not heaven on earth.   Why wait when it is now.  Living life as a free spirit.  Living beyond walls.  Living beyond the constraints of my life.  Living = freely.

Spirit Dad:  Yes – the knowing comes through surrender – surrender creates vulnerability which creates life.  You are a free spirit and must be fully expressed and experienced.  You are breaking through the constraints that bind you.  That is how.  Surrender freely without expectations.

Me:  I understand.  I just experienced it.  I am a free spirit free of bondage and my power and effect is boundless.  I experience and accept that.  To be free I need to surrender and yield to the energy of the universe to fully allow the power to enter within me and me within the universe.  I am one with all.  Unbound and free = reaching out and yes the fragrance is beautiful.

Spirit Dad:  Allow yourself just to exist in this place.  Spirit is all around you and through you.  Why not heaven on earth – why not now.  You have it now – Surrender – yield that is your power.

Me:  What if I forget?

Spirit Dad:  Then you will be reminded.  Remember the fragrance.  Remember the feel of the energy pulsating within you and through you and out of you.  Remember the circle of energy you stood in reverberating through you and the other sages and guides.  You are one of them.  You are so powerful and once you release that power is released.  Remember the connecting with the universe through your hands and the tendrils of the universe as you became one.  Remember the experience – remember the feeling.

Me.  Remind me if I forget.  Take me back there if I regain control.

Spirit Dad:  Let it be.  Just let it be.  It is time for you to rest now and experience all that you experienced tonight.  Allow it to seep in and through you.  Good night, daughter.

Me:  I love you dad.  Thank you for the reminder.  Thank you for the memory.

Another day come and gone.  I have so many feelings going on and they are all jumbled up and seeking expression.  I am struggling to control them.  It is like herding cats and that is exactly what it is like.  I am not comfortable with all these emotions.  I want to keep them organized inside and examine one at a time and experience one at a time.  Now I feel like I am all over the place with the onslaught of feeling.  I know feelings are healing and living.  I just don’t know what to do with them.  They have moved out of the comfort of my inside world.  The experience of the emotions feels overwhelming and sometimes I can barely stand them.

Spirit Dad:  You are doing great.  Just experience them.  At some point they will just become part of you and it is just all normal.  Right now it is a lot of stimulation.

Me:  It feels like too much.

Spirit Dad:  Only because you are choosing not to control them.  Because you are choosing not to control them, it is just like trying to herd cats.

Me:  It feels like chaos and disorder – nothing good can come of it.

Spirit Dad:  Actually it is all order – no chaos.  It is as it should be.  These are all gifts from the soul.  Everything you ever wanted.  It just feels different to you who strive to be invincible.  You just need to allow for them and go along for the ride.  Soon they will not seem so foreign and out of control.

Me:  I remember seeing a massage therapist 20 to 25 years ago.  She said that when she massaged me it felt to her she was massaging a little baby as my body couldn’t handle the massage touch.  It was too much stimulation.  Eventually it got better.  Is that what you are talking about?

Spirit Dad:  Yes.  Remember that experience because this is the same thing.  Allow for the possibilities it brings.

Me:  I told Robert today that my feelings for him felt it went beyond friendship.

Spirit Dad:  How did he take it?

Me:  I don’t know.  He didn’t tell me to go away or he needed not to have contact with me.  I didn’t ask for anything nor expect anything.  I am just sharing feelings because I am supposed to and this was hard.  Vulnerable.

Spirit Dad:  Glad you did.  It is important for him to hear that and for you to speak it.

Me:  I don’t know why.  Everything feels so jumbled up.

Spirit Dad:  Everything   has a reason and a   purpose.  It isn’t always for humans to know.  If they knew the outcome of everything, there would be no reason to experience life.

Me:  Should I go away?

Spirit Dad:  No.  Stay and just allow yourself to move through the emotions.  They will get better and will feel more natural as long as you allow them to be out.

Me:  I feel so sad.

Spirit Dad:  Sadness is the beginning of joy.  Embrace the gift of sadness as it is the pathway to great joy.  You are alive.

Me:  I just don’t understand the feelings.  I didn’t ever want to tell Robert.  You know that.  It was mine to carry.

Spirit Dad:  Robert loves you deeply.

Me:  I know.  I feel his love.  It all just confuses me.  I so don’t want to be like you and mother.

Spirit Dad:  You are not at all like us.  Do you know how wonderful that is for you?

Me:  Really?

Spirit Dad:  When you became aware of your feelings with Robert, what did you do?

Me:  Wrote about them?

Spirit Dad:  No.  Before that.  You went into prayer and meditated on their love growing for one another and strengthening.  You didn’t do anything wrong.  They are important feelings for you.

Me:  I forgot about that.  I also went into prayer later to sever it like I did with Bobby and it didn’t work.  I tried.  I even wrote about it hoping it would stop the feeling.

Spirit Dad:  It isn’t supposed to work.  The love for one another is to be there.  You are experiencing love in a new way.  It is giving and receiving.

Me:  Chuck said today that my processing and sharing this with him is transforming his life – his relationship with his wife.  That is so great.  Perhaps why he is part of the journey.  Not for me, but for his life.

Spirit Dad:  You have no idea how you impact people’s lives.  That is who you are.

Me:  So why do I feel so sad.  Why?

Spirit Dad:  Just part of the process.  Part of transforming.  Part of moving towards joy.  Allow for it.  Cry and talk and express.  You are letting go of how you always related to me and your mother.  You are letting go of your belief systems about yourself.  You are allowing for new experiences in your life.

Me:  It hurts.

Spirit Dad:  Birthing hurts and then there is joy.  Be loving and patient and kind to yourself.  You deserve it.

Me:  Maybe I need to go away for awhile.

Spirit Dad:  In one way it wouldn’t hurt.  In another, you would be alone and that becomes safe for you.  No one to share your world and you begin living within yourself.

Me:  I know.  Working is challenging for me.

Spirit Dad:  I know, but it good for you to be around other people and not get lost within yourself – your safe place.

Me:  You did your job well.

Spirit Dad:  And you are doing an amazing job.  Look at you.  Look at you learning to walk and talk.  I missed out on appreciating that when you were small.  Now I see you growing and changing and evolving.  I get to experience that with you.

Me:  I know.  I wish you were here in the flesh.

Spirit Dad:  It wasn’t supposed to be for us.

Me:  I just want to fall into your arms and be your little girl.

Spirit Dad:  I know.

Me:  It isn’t going to be and I feel very sad about it.

Spirit Dad:  We have this time now.  Now we can be together – Me in spirit – you in human form – a gift – a gift from the universe.  This is a testament to your own healing journey.  You could never have done this a year ago.  Now look at you.  Open to the process.  You’ve come so far.  You are strong and courageous and ready for this transformation.  Allow for it.  We stand with you.  All the other sages stand with you.  The angels stand with you.  Chuck stands with you.  You are not alone.  Allow the emotions.  Allow the feelings.  Accept the feelings.  You are okay.

Me:  Ok.

Spirit Dad:  Allow the sweet fragrance to enter into all of you and the tendrils of the universe reach in and gives you all you want.  Just want.  Just stay present and connected.

Me:  I showed Chuck pictures of you today.  He didn’t say much of anything.  He just wanted me to tell you he saw the pictures.

Spirit Dad:  Good.  Did you share all of them?

Me:  No.  Just 3.  My wedding day, my B.A. graduation and the one with you mother and me after you winning the mayors race.  Maybe I showed them because they were significant days for me.  I don’t know why it was important for me to share them with him.

Spirit Dad:  You don’t have to know.

Me:  I am tired and need to go to bed.  Thank you.

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This entry was posted in EMDR, Emotional Abuse, Loving Self, Physical Abuse, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Transformation and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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