I woke up again crying this morning. This sadness feels so intense and overwhelming. I feel like it will never go away and that this is all that is left of me. Sadness. Overwhelming sadness. Wasn’t it just a few months ago that I was experiencing happiness?. I was happy about the day and what it would offer. No sadness and now – sadness.
Spirit Dad: You haven’t allowed yourself to feel with your heart. You just kept everything on the shelf safe and sound.
Me: It didn’t bother me on the shelf. I had a life and I was walking through it. I had done lots of therapy and faced the monsters of my memories. I had changed.
Spirit Dad: You never allowed for the emotions. You moved through it with your head and when it was too much for your heart, you shelved it. This is a lifetime of pain and anger. You are experiencing deep sorrow for the many losses of your life.
Me: I don’t think I can handle this.
Spirit Dad: You can. There will come a time when the sadness will turn to joy. Accept the gift of sadness and experience it. Embrace it. Let it guide you.
Me: How can it guide me? I want to run from it. It feels awful.
I went on my walk this morning. Throughout the walk the sweet fragrance was around me like the butterflies. I knew I wasn’t alone. I know I don’t walk alone and there are spirits and guides walking with me. It made me smile to know that even in depth of my sadness, I am not alone. Thank you God for the scent – for the reminder. I never walk alone.
Work had its moments yesterday. Had to take a breather and just sit in Chuck’s office until feelings subsided. Good just to sit in the quiet.
I picked up Chris and Asher last night. It has been a long time since I’ve had them and felt I needed to have them for a short time. It was fun. There were waves of sadness that would wash over me, but I enjoyed them. When I look at them I see how small and vulnerable they are and that was me when I was being abused. I was truly powerless to fight back. I don’t see myself as ever being vulnerable and powerless. Yet, the children showed me that in myself. They are emotionally and physically vulnerable. What could I do to protect myself other than retreating to the inside allowing an adult part at a young age take over. It is a rigid, rule follower, adult who isn’t who I am at all. She has helped me throughout my lifetime that enabled me to survive and to work. I still want her as part of me, but I want the vulnerability and softness that I buried deep within and shelved. I want to live outside myself. I don’t know how to do that very well. I open to it and just see what happens. I woke up this morning understanding that I am afraid of receiving love because of the fear of loss. I am afraid of trust for the fear of betrayal. I am afraid of life because the fear of it being taken. I am afraid of wanting because of not feeling valuable enough to receive.
I haven’t connected with Asher much. Never sure why, but there seemed to be a distance between us. Not something I typically experience with a baby or child. I love him dearly, but not so connected. It has felt odd and has created issues between Jocelyn and me. I enjoy being with him but the spiritual connection wasn’t there. He is so loving and happy and easy to be around yet so strong willed but in a sweet sense. On Friday when I picked him up he ran and jumped into my arms as if this was the most wonderful experience in the world. This has never happened between us. I realized as I held him that it was me that kept us apart and I am not sure why, but that night I fell in love with him and thoroughly enjoyed him and he me. It was wonderful. Perhaps the emotions and transformation is something he is picking up. I am opening and he eased in.
Love is the central point of who we are as humans.
Last night’s dream was a little child running and playing outside. A brown german shepherd was playing with her and chasing her. They were having a grand time. I was concerned. I went to stop her because she might get hurt. Someone stopped me by touching my arm “Wait, let her be. She is safe. Let her experience life.” I didn’t stop her but it was hard not to.
Spirit Dad: Great hike yesterday.
Me: Yeah. It was exciting to be in nature. There is so much life there that so many people miss. You and mother were there. I felt your presence.
Spirit Dad: Wouldn’t have missed it for anything. We watched you hike it was like watching you learning to walk. You stumbled and you kept going on. Your hurt and you kept going on. You are such a strong woman.
Me: I was afraid of falling especially on those narrow pathways. I kept remembering when Gary pushed me off the edge and I fell way down the rocks into the creek. I thought I was dying all the way down. It hurt! Amazing you all were angry with me and not him. I was bruised. Nothing broke, but it was quite scary. David rescued me.
Spirit Dad: Guess in human form, we expected you to be the cause of all harm. We knew you were afraid yesterday. We would have kept you from falling.
Me: I knew you were there. I knew it. Remember the hiking we did when we were young?
Spirit Dad: I do.
Me: I was hiking and remember the time in Hope, Canada and the car broke down. We all had to hike miles and miles and miles down into town. You and me had fun with it. Singing. The others not so much. We had some happy times in nature.
Spirit Dad: They were tired and scared. You, you always were a trooper. Always open for anything-quite the adventurer. You still are. That is who you are. As you shed the external cloak, you will find yourself.
Me: At my top of the hike and sitting by myself for the brief time, I just cried for so many things.
Spirit Dad: I know. We sat with you.
Me: The fragrance came again. So sweet and so beautiful.
Spirit Dad: It was.
Me: I was upset with myself for crying again. Then I knew that tears are God’s way of nurturing us – a pathway to freedom – a gift for healing. The falls nurture the environment providing drink for the thirst. Same with tears.
Spirit Dad: That is right. You have so many tears to cry. Allow for the tears and all the feelings and emotions. Let them be part of you and experience them fully. We took that from you in human form and now it is for you to have back.
Me: I did it. I hiked. I did what I wanted to do. I am so excited about doing it. Interesting, though. There was something I was seeking and did not find. I have no idea what I was seeking, but I know I would have known if I found it.
Mother: We are so proud of you. You are so strong and persistent. Most would allow themselves to be limited by your disability. Not you. It challenges you to move forward. So it is with all aspects of your life. Watching you hike touched us deeply within our hearts. You will find what you seek. Keep seeking.
Me: You are right. I haven’t allowed any of my life to stop me. The feelings and emotions are the greatest challenges for me. I am glad you were.
Spirit Dad: You and Chuck need to go to the mountain top.
Me: Uh, how am I to do that and where? Chuck has enough on his plate.
Spirit Dad: You will find your answers there. It is for Chuck, too.
Me: What am I seeking?
Spirit Dad: You will know when you get to the mountain top.
Me: That is a lot of work when I don’t even know the question or the why.
Spirit Dad: It is about trust. It is about yielding to God.
Me: Oh. Trust is not my strong suit.
Spirit Dad: Either was being able to hike the trail and you did it. You trusted.
Me: I trusted myself. I trusted my body.
Spirit Dad: You trusted Chuck.
Me: Well, yes.
Spirit Dad: When you were afraid, who did you call?
Me: God. God help me do this.
Spirit Dad: Towards the end of the hike you felt your foot and leg hurting and shaky and ready to give out on you. Who kept you on your feet to begin what you started?
Me: God? I wouldn’t tell anyone how bad it was. I wanted to do it on my own.
Spirit Dad: Yes. What song went through your mind?
Me: I never walk alone. God was with me?
Spirit Dad: Yes.
Me: Hmm. Good then. Making some progress.
Spirit Dad: I love you, Mary Lynn.
Me: I love you, too. I had a dream of you and mother last night. I don’t remember all the dream, but I woke up and you and mother were in my room. I woke up and sat up in bed and told you I was glad you and mother were home. I smiled and felt peaceful and went back to sleep. You and mother have entered into my heart. Heart is getting kind of crowded. You, mother, Chuck.
Spirit Dad: How does it feel?
Me: I am glad you are home. I am glad you are in my heart. I am not afraid except I will lose you.
Spirit Dad: You will never lose us.
Me: It feels so tenuous. There is a part of me waiting to be abandoned.
Spirit Dad: People come and go in life. It is critical you don’t abandon yourself.
Me: I know. I am just not there yet. I want to be there. I want to be whole. I want to experience grace. I want to know God loves me. I want to know I am lovable.
Me: Chuck said for me to tell you and mother, thank you.
Spirit Dad: You are so welcome Chuck. Thank you for being part of the journey. Thank you for being open to the process.
Me: I guess you can tell him that, because he is going to read it anyway.
Spirit Dad: Yup. He is a witness and a participant.
Me: You would like Chuck. I know that for sure.
Spirit Dad: I do like Chuck. Tell him I know his dad.
Me: I guess you just did. Shit.
Spirit Dad: Why, shit.
Me: I don’t know why.
Spirit Dad: It is all okay and everything is as it should be. Trust.