As often happens when there is processing deep within me, I went to sleep. Nice nap today. Weather is cool. Wind is blowing through the trees. Still seeking answers and not knowing the questions. Allowing emotions to stay present. The deep sadness and it is tied to everything. It is okay. I am told it is my pathway to joy. So, I anticipate great joy in the near future. It was different being with Chuck yesterday and not talking about all the different things floating around inside – the presence of mother and father and so much more. Interesting that he knew some of it without my even telling him. He gets it and we are so deeply connected.
Spirit Dad: It is time for God.
Me: I know. Heavy subject for me.
Spirit Dad: Yes it is. God is simplicity – not heavy – not complicated.
Me: People refer to god as Father God or Mother God. For me those are totally loaded. Hard to see him/her as either. It is like the brokenness in my soul doesn’t allow for it. I keep thinking, once I come full circle, I can find God. I’ve always known God. I just don’t trust God because I haven’t trusted you or mother. Fathers and mothers are kind of like the human form of God to a child and when that is broken, God is broken.
Spirit Dad: God is anything but broken. Humans do tend to view god through their brokenness and attribute to God their personal experience in life rather than stepping aside from themselves and seeing God for who God truly is.
Me: I know in my head. It is easier for me to learn to love you in all of your human failings than to love a god who is supposed to be loving and protective and caring and then betrays you. Different experiences. Easier to love the devil you know than the devil you don’t.
Spirit Dad: First, you got to get rid of the word devil. Totally negative and not attributable to God at all or even to us.
Me: That actually was a kind way of my putting it. I always felt god values other people far more than me. I think god loves me if I am good, but not if I am bad. God abandoned me. God didn’t protect me. God isn’t here for me. I had to take over for God.
Spirit Dad: You thought you had to take over for God. You didn’t. God lives in you, but you are not God. The face God lives in you gives you a connectedness to God. God is God and lives in all.
Me: I can’t do this right now.
Spirit Dad: So when do you think you can do it. When can you face god with as much honesty as you faced me and your mother? What frightens you?
Me: I don’t know. I just not ready to talk with God. I get it in my head. Much doesn’t make sense to me. Sometimes this doesn’t even make sense to me. Maybe I am crazy.
Spirit Dad: It would be easier in some ways for you to be crazy rather than deal with the reality of what is. It is a way you can run away and not face all this.
Me: Maybe. I’ve always known god. We’ve talked about it before. I love God. I’ve served god. I still would if God would want me and God doesn’t want me. I’ve accepted that in my life and I don’t seek it anymore.
Spirit Dad: Have you really known God? Really known God? Have you really sought to know God?
Me: Of course. I used to preach about God. I used to share god with other people. I read the bible and learned about god.
Spirit Dad: Yet you walked away from god.
Me: God didn’t want me. God didn’t value me. I went out on my own.
Spirit Dad: Was it God or human?
Spirit Dad: Did God lead you away so you could heal and then come to learn to truly love God.
Me: I don’t know. Please, this is complicated.
Spirit Dad: All of it has been complicated. You need to be honest. You’ve been honest through this whole process. God can handle your honesty.
Me: Really. Fire and brimstones upon me. Risk I am unwilling to take.
Spirit Dad: You read The Shack this weekend. What did you think?
Me: I thought Mack and me were the same. I totally got him and could feel his rage and his anger and his pain and his disappointment.
Spirit Dad: You felt it because that is what you are feeling towards God. Amazing that his pain took place in Joseph, Oregon at Wallowa Lake.
Me: That is pretty amazing. What a connection. I remember riding the Go Karts, water skiing in the lake, riding tandem bicycles, and horseback riding. I remember the river and the streams – hiking up there. I remember our camping trips in Yosemite and the bears and the hikes and swimming. I remember sleeping in a tent. I remember the fears and the fund. I remember staring at the moon and you telling me about the man in the moon and I would watch to see if the man would fall. I now remember fear at Wallowa Lake and I don’t know why. I was by a river and David and I were hiking and crossing the creek on stones. I remember having to hide and I don’t know why we were hiding. We weren’t supposed to be there I guess.
Spirit Dad: You started connecting with him because it was in that place.
Me: Yes. A place that is fun and supposed to be safe for children. As we know children aren’t safe anywhere. I wasn’t in my own home.
Spirit Dad: That is right. Children are so very vulnerable and when there are people out to destroy innocence they are not safe. It takes other people to step in and protect them. Humans tend to forget how vulnerable children are and the disturbed ones prey on that innocence and vulnerability.
Me: I still don’t get why. If I were god I wouldn’t allow my children to get hurt. I would do everything to protect them from that kind of hurt.
Spirit Dad: You aren’t God.
Me: I can’t do this right now. It hurts.
Spirit Dad: You don’t have to run away from hurting. You can talk about it and stay present.
Me: When Mack was in anguish over the suffering of Missy, his daughter and God said he had been there, it made me mad. Why if God was there did God not stop it? I feel his hurt and rage.
Spirit Dad: God was with her the whole time and she wasn’t alone. She was protected.
Me: Why? Why did she have to be there in the first place? Of what value does that serve for anyone?
Spirit Dad: Faith in something greater.
Me: Fine I will talk to god. Then we will all be satisfied.
Me: God, who am I? Do you know who I am or am I a nobody to you? I know who you are. Do you know me?
God, of course does not answer.
Me: GOD, WHO AM I? WHO DO YOU KNOW ME TO BE?
God: I know you as my beloved.
Me: Beloved what. WHO AM I?
God: You know I know you. If you really knew me, you would know that I know you and that question is mute.
Me: You are not going to answer that question are you? No great surprise.
I know I shouldn’t be challenging God. Everything in me wants to know if he/she knows me and remembers me? I want to know that he loves me and hasn’t forgotten me. Guess, an omnipotent God doesn’t have to answer.
God: I am the one who loves you.
Me: Many claim to love me, but they hurt me. You are no different.
God: I was there the day you were born unwanted. I breathed life into you and I held you close to my heart knowing the journey you were embarking on.
Me: You knew and you still let it happen.
God: You chose this journey. Who am I to prevent the experience you seek? How is loving you that way better than loving you through your life experiences?
Me: I’ve heard that one before. You are god. Father, mother, protector, healer, partner, spirit, source, creator. Who am I?
God: My co-creator, my participant, my child, my beloved.
Me: Do you know my name? Do you remember me?
God: I know all about you – everything. There is nothing hidden from my view.
Me: Do you love me?
God: I love you completely. I love you fully.
Me: Were you with me when I was being hurt by my family?
God: Yes. I witnessed the abuse. I stayed with you.
Another night has passed. Something is changing in me. Maybe things are settling down inside. Maybe there is peace inside. I don’t know. I don’t feel like fighting. I feel like understanding. I am not experiencing this overwhelming feeling of sadness. I am experiencing grace and gratitude. The first thoughts were I don’t have to fight God. I know the answers already. I can just let go of the fight. I don’t feel much like fighting lately with anyone. I don’t feel I need that level of protection. Is this just a temporary feeling or will it stay? I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. Guess I don’t have to know. I will experience whatever it is I experience. I know God loves me and has been with me all of my life. I know it. I know my mother and father love me deeply. I know Chuck loves me deeply. I know I am not alone and that my best is yet to come. Do I feel this way because I haven’t interacted with anyone since Saturday? Is it easy to feel this way because I am not challenged by another person? It is in communion with another human being or spirit that creates dis-ease within. This morning I am okay with whatever happens – wherever my journey takes me with whomever and however. This morning there is peace inside and a feeling of love. I truly rejoice over the hike Saturday for its physical experience and symbolic experience. My tears this morning are for satisfaction and gratitude. I am so grateful to my foot, to Chuck, to my parents, to my God. Yes, it was a tremendous experience. The working out of my life is amazing. The journey tough and yet full of lessons.
Me: God, thank you for being with me on my earthly journey. It has been a tough one. I know I didn’t always experience your presence, but I know you were there in whatever way I needed you there. Thank you for understanding that I can’t and don’t always comprehend who you are in ways that I’ve been taught. Thank you for showing me you through nature.
God: I treasure you more than you can fully comprehend. You are a treasure. I joyfully journeyed with you throughout your life through your pain, your sorrow, your healing. I chose not to interfere with your choice to ensure the human experience you chose. Your life has been your teacher and your journey back is your legacy. I know you. I knew you in spirit. I know you now. We are one. I abide in you. You have been angry with me and disappointed in me and rejecting of me. I’ve stood by you through out of it. I promised I would not leave you and I kept my promise. I promised to love you and my being is full of love for you. I treasure you. You are my treasure.
I am aware of feeling good. I also am aware that it isn’t finished as things inside myself pop up. I feel more confident and secure today. Yet that feels tenuous – fragile. Like I know anything could upset it. When will this change in me? When will I love me and stand in my own magnificence? I want to know.
It is so easy to retreat into a behavior I know and I am familiar with. Today I release control over people and situations that confuse me, that confound me, that hurt me, that misunderstand me, that reject me. Today I release personalizing those same events. Today I believe that all that happens is for the best of me. I am the center of divine attraction but that doesn’t mean that I am the center of all that goes on. So I accept my centered position releasing events to the universe. Today everything that happens to me or for me is for my ultimate good.