Sometimes our past experiences influences the present moment. As uncomfortable as it could me, it creates and opportunity to face some of the emotions we couldn’t reach otherwise. Through the experience, we can then heal. You will see how the past influences my current through this passage from 2010.
It was a long, sleepless night last night. This deep hurt running through my entire body and soul and I don’t know why. If I dozed off, I would wake up hurting and scared. No reason as to why. Disappointed, reality oriented. I want people out of my heart and want to go back to the way it was. I am done with vulnerable and honesty and feelings. I want the invincible back. I can’t find her. Where did she go? Shutting down. Terrible day today. I am so done. Just done. I was fine yesterday and then I’m not. I don’t like this very much. Frankly I can’t stand it. I know there has been deep processing going on and I don’t know what it is. The emotions are all coming up and I don’t want them.
Spirit Dad: Allow them. You are struggling.
Me: I should be able to manage it all. It isn’t rocket science. I am just tired and juggling all the plates is getting tougher. I take care of the place so Todd and Chuck can arrange time off. I just want to be good enough.
Spirit Dad: You are good enough. You are taking yesterday’s issues and applying it to today’s circumstances and they are not the same. They are not the same players or the same issues. This is all new. The only constant from your past and your present is you. It is you who has to look at things differently. Don’t bring past reactions to the present circumstances.
Me: I feel devastated. I couldn’t think straight in the meeting.
Spirit Dad: There is a lot going on inside of you. Be patient.
Me: You don’t understand. I don’t understand.
Spirit Dad: You are so exhausted. Your fatigue tonight is great.
Me: I feel so stupid and inadequate. I hate these feelings of hurt and fear. I hate feeling vulnerable and out of control. I wish I were smarter.
Spirit Dad: You are very smart. Don’t let him intimidate you. You do that.
Me: I am easily intimidated. That is why I put on a tough exterior.
Spirit Dad: You could just as well intimidate them and see them. You see deep inside people. Why not him.
Me: Nothing to see. I think it is time for me to move on. Maybe back to California.
Spirit Dad: No. Leaving won’t change what needs to be changed.
Me: I can hide again. No one to know me. I can just live in my inside world. It isn’t so bad there.
Spirit Dad: What do you accomplish there?
Me: Peace. Solitude. Safety.
Spirit Dad: Loneliness, stunted growth, incompleteness.
Me: I’m not good at this.
Spirit Dad: You had a glitch. Deal with the emotions and learn from them. You know how to do that.
Me: I am so disappointed. Reality sucks.
Spirit Dad: Sometimes it does, but at least you know what you are dealing with instead of an illusion that is intangible.
Me: I know. My whole body and soul feels hurt and the pain is like being ripped apart. What is going on with me? How come I don’t know?
Spirit Dad: Let it come to you. Separation from your soul is painful – separation from God.
Me: I can’t do this right now. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what to talk about. I just feel like crying.
Spirit Dad: Then cry. Just let it out and you will feel better.
I went to sleep for awhile and woke less distraught.
Me: Something is changing inside. Acceptance. Acceptance without judgment. Acceptance without limitation. Acceptance with joy. Acceptance leads to transformation and freedom. Acceptance. I haven’t accepted my feelings or my emotions. I still am labeling them as bad or good. They are just part of me.
Spirit Dad: Acceptance is good. Perhaps some pain with it, but good. Take yourself back to the hike. You are ok and you are doing great. You are like a little child learning how to walk and talk. Don’t expect more than you are right now. A little child explores her world. Sometimes she says and does things that are a little out of the ordinary. It is okay. Be free. Use your words. Don’t hide. Choose to grow. Choose to experience all emotions and experiences that come your way.
Me: It hurts.
Spirit Dad: Not all of it hurts.
Me: I feel like I have to protect myself from pain, from rejection, from abandonment.
Spirit Dad: Protecting yourself really doesn’t change anything. Protecting yourself just keeps you from the experience and having to redo it just to complete it. Protecting yourself keeps you from living.
Me: I feel so vulnerable. I don’t like being perceived as incompetent and weak and stupid. I feel like I am being laughed at.
Spirit Dad: No one is laughing. It is just old stuff getting in the way of new experiences. Don’t judge today with yesterday’s vision.
Me: It is hard. I’ve been so open and so vulnerable.
Spirit Dad: With who?
Me: With you, with God, with Chuck. I don’t know how to be okay with all that openness. I feel like I have to go away and hide again.
Spirit Dad: If we can’t handle it, it is our issue.
Me: It may be your issue, but I experience the hurt and humiliation.
Spirit Dad: It is okay. You are okay. Accept yourself. Accept your feelings.
Me: I just keep thinking living in my world is a better place to be for everyone. Nothing has to change. Everything stays the same. I was okay living in my world.
Spirit Dad: You were okay but not living to your full potential.
Me: There it is. You always said that I could do anything I wanted to do, but would never amount to anything.
Spirit Dad: That was human Spirit Dad speaking. It was important that you had zero self-confidence.
Me: What is my full potential? How do I know when I achieve it?
Spirit Dad: Your full potential is experiencing life and emotions to the fullest as they happen. It is being your intrinsic self expressing your beauty. It is being fully who you are.
Me: I don’t have beauty. I am ugly.
Spirit Dad: No, you are so beautiful. That is part of your pain isn’t it.
Me: Yes. I’ve never been pretty like my sister was pretty or friends. Mother always compared me to everyone else. “Too bad you don’t look like her. She is so pretty.” Never could be what she wanted me to be. I always fell short. I never felt good enough physically, emotionally, in any way.
Spirit Dad: You need to look at yourself with different eyes and truly see yourself. Look at yourself with acceptance free of judgment. You are deeply and profoundly beautiful.
Me: I’ve always felt apologetic for being so ugly and that people have to look at me. Part of me felt it was best to wear a paper sack over my head to prevent such ugliness from spreading. Again, that is one of the gifts you all gave me.
Spirit Dad: Then you need to release that belief system and look at yourself with new eyes.
Me: I don’t define people as pretty or ugly. I see into their soul. Sometimes what I find scares me. Sometimes it hurts me. Sometimes it is awesome.
Spirit Dad: When you look into somebody’s soul it is important to accept what you see free of judgment. Same way as looking at yourself. What you find doesn’t have anything to do with who you are and has everything to do with who they are and their experiences.
Me: I typically don’t have issues accepting other people.
Spirit Dad: I know, but sometimes what you see, you hurt yourself with. That is part of what is going on with you now.
Me: I know. I always turn it against myself.
Spirit Dad: Yes you do and you can choose to stop that and let it be the responsibility of the person whose soul you see. Important lesson for you.
Me: Sometimes I want to hide from what I see.
Spirit Dad: Not surprising. When you hide from what you see like you want to hide yourself, you can’t help other people. Your seeing is a gift to helping.
Me: I know. I get scared and hurt. Right now I just feel very vulnerable and I am not fighting anymore. Even when the bitch is back I am feeling the pain.
Spirit Dad: Feel scared. Feel hurt. Don’t let it control your experience. Allow yourself to explore the experience in a new way, with new eyes, in the present moment. Choose different reactions. Allow yourself to respond differently.
Me: It is hard. Great risk.
Spirit Dad: Yes it is a great risk. The rewards to great risk are great.
Me: I keep having this feeling that I am supposed to find something I am seeking but I don’t know what I am seeking so how do I know when I find it.
Spirit Dad: Stay open and keep seeking. You will know. Trust yourself. Value yourself. Trust your intuition. It is good and it is strong. Just because something doesn’t happen the way you intuit, doesn’t mean that your intuition is wrong. Trust what you see. Trust what you feel. Just because it is denied, doesn’t make it untrue or wrong.
Me: Trust is hard for me.
Spirit Dad: But you are doing it. Look at how you trust Chuck.
Me: Do I trust him and does it matter?
Spirit Dad: Good questions.
Me: I keep feeling like I want to withdraw from him and yet part of me wants to be with him. Our energy together is unique and creative and exciting. I feel like I am the only one who appreciates that and wants it. I feel as if I don’t make it happen, it won’t be.
Spirit Dad: It takes your tenacity. Chuck will want to walk away from it. It is easy for him.
Me: I know that is true. I know it.
Spirit Dad: You have to decide what value you place on it and then commit one way or another.
Me: I am uncomfortable talking about Chuck in here.
Spirit Dad: That is okay. Honesty is good for him.
Me: I know.
Spirit Dad: You need to sleep now.
Me: I hope I can. Tomorrow is another day and I need more energy than I have today. I hurt myself today for not being perfect, for being vulnerable.
Spirit Dad: Yes you did. Perhaps you can just accept that reality and move through it and make a different choice for yourself tomorrow.
Me: Yes. I can do that. Good night.