Healing from Sexual Abuse – A Transformational Journey – Part 26

It has been a relatively good day today.  There has been very little sadness.  I’ve felt agitated and not sure what that is about.  Maybe because I am not controlling this journey.  Though I tried to put limitations on it .  I don’t know what I am afraid of.  I don’t feel afraid and yet when I try to control things it is because I am afraid.  Maybe it is the fear of the unknown.    Tonight I sit here in deep gratitude for my journey and the transformations that have taken place.  I feel truly blessed to be in a place where I communicate with my parents who are dead, with God and with Chuck.    How absolutely great is that.  I am loved by my parents, by my God and by  Chuck.  Deep love.

God:  You miss it by rushing through it.  Experience and savor each moment of your life as it is so precious.  Absorb all that this time is giving you.  If you had a romantic partner you wouldn’t be having this experience.  This time is a gift to you.  Embrace it and learn from it.  It is changing you from the inside out.  By rushing through it you actually begin shelving the experience – the emotions to get to the next one.  It is like consuming food too fast or spending cash too fast.  Slow down and let this moment last.  You will never have these moments again.

Me:  I hear you.  I guess I want the other side of my life right now without finishing the process.

God:  I understand.  However, you will never get to the other side of your life without this time of transition and transformation.  Let it be.  Just let it be.

Me:  Am I worthy?

God:  Ahh.  Worthiness.  Other people don’t define your worthiness.  You have much work to do for the balance of your earthly life.  You never are alone dear one.  I am with you, in you, all around you.  Remain with me and I remain with you.  Abide in my love.  Abide in my power.  Allow the flow of love to pour through you, nurturing you, loving you, guiding you.  Remain in my abundant love and you will experience abundant life.  Allow my breath to breathe life in you as I did the day you were born.  My breath is love.  Feel it now, don’t you.

Me:  It is warm and nurturing.  Gentle and kind.  My intent is to live in your love to be in love with you and allow you to flow through me reaching out to the entire universe.

I just went outside to take the dog out as we prepare for bed.  The night air is cool and brisk and stars in the sky.  The night is filled with the sounds of crickets reminding me that the universe is alive and goes on regardless of what I do or any human does.  It continues in its own rhythm.  It is all the expression of God.  All of it yielding.  Every morning I take the dog out and the melody of the cricket yields to the symphony of the birds awakening to the morning light.  It is beautiful and intense.  Every moment is filled with its own moment.  Each expression is unique and purposeful and in harmony.  We take for granted each day and each night.  They are here to experience fully.  Thank you God for all that is here for us to enjoy, to embrace, to learn from.  Tonight God, I remain in your love as your love is expressed through me and all of nature and creation.  Through your love and your energy I am connected with all the universe.  Thank you god.

Me:  Hi God.  It is early on Saturday morning.  Would prefer sleeping, but once again it evades me.  This morning I woke up crying.  I thought maybe the tears were done.  I am not sure why I am crying.  I just feel sad.

God:  I’ve been with you all night.  You have not been alone.  Yet you feel so lonely.

Me:  I do feel lonely.  I am not accustomed to feeling lonely.  I like being alone.  I like sleeping alone.  What is up with this?

God:  Healing.  Learning you have wants and desires.  Beginning to taste your own value and believing there might be something for you in this world.

Me:  I feel like my life didn’t happen and they were only years that went by but I missed out on living those years.  Now, I am beginning to live my life and those years are gone and the experiences I could have had are gone and I am just left with now.  I can’t get the time back.

God:  Your life happened as it should.  Your years have not been wasted.  You’ve used your time wisely healing yourself.  This is your final chapter and learning to live is part of that chapter.

Me:  I just feel as if I missed out on life.  It passed me by.  Why couldn’t I have done this earlier in my life?

God:  You had so much damage within you.  Building back from devastation takes years and sometimes centuries as time evolves and heals.  You will end your life whole and that is something I can promise you if you choose to stay in process and continue moving through it.  Time is really unmeasureable.  It is human’s desire to define what time is and then control it.  Without the constraints of time, you just live and experience life and experience me and all that I am.

Me:  I feel in such a hurry so I can live – maybe salvage some of my life.

God:  Your life is so rich and full.  Every moment is full of grace – full of love – full of joy.  Sometimes you are not aware of any of that but they exist even if you are not aware of them.  Remember visiting your mother in Oregon when Don was dying?  She took you to a restaurant on the ocean.  She had wanted to do that for you for so long and you finally went there.  It was an overcast day.  Your mother was so upset that the sun wasn’t shining so you could see the beauty.  You said to her that even though you couldn’t see the sun, the sun was still shining.  Deeply profound.  That is how it is with your life.  You may not see or experience grace, love, joy but they are still shining.  Accept that truth and knowledge and know that you have that always with you.  Life is also full of lessons and sadness and pain.  Humans do horrible things sometimes to other people and sometimes they do it in my name.  Part of your journey is to have the full experience of emotions, of devastation, of healing, of wisdom.  It is all you and all yours and all at your fingertips.  Abide in me and allow it to all fall into place.  There is not a piece of your life, past, present or future that needs to be salvaged.  Your life is rich with experience and lessons.  It is your journey and your heart’s desire to experience, learn the lessons and teach others.  This is your life.

Me:  If such truth, why such sorrow within me?

God:  Just part of the journey.  Those who experience deep sorrow also have the capacity for deep, abiding joy.   Those who have lost everything, are those who embrace the deeper meaning of life.  The sorrow is joy turned around.  Sorrow is the pathway to joy.  You’ve lost your life.  You’ve lost your childhood, you’ve lost time with your parents with me.  You’ve experienced a myriad of losses.  Your tendency is to move through them without feeling them or you feel a small part of it, get uncomfortable with the feeling and put it away.  You rush through it like your feelings are on a schedule.

Me:  I seek the full transformation but it seems like it is taking so long.  Am I doing something wrong with the process?

God:  You are doing everything perfectly.  There is no time; just life.  Just experience every moment you have regardless of what that moment brings to you.  I am in every moment.  Every moment is a gift to be embraced and to live.  Sometimes the moments are filled with pain and sometimes the moments are filled with joy and a myriad of other feelings in between.  Experience each moment to find its value and its lessons.  When you do that, your own view of your value increases.

Me:  What does it mean to remain in you?

God:  To rest in me.  To abide in me.  I am in all things and all things are in me.  I am the beginning and the end.

Me:  What does that mean?

God:  To live in my love.  To be the expression of my love.  To be the representation of my love.  To express all that I am through you.  To be one with me and know that we are all connected through me through oneness.  You are not separate from me or from the universe.

Me:  Why didn’t you want me in full time ministry serving?  That was the passion of my heart to serve you and bring people to you.  You rejected me and wouldn’t use me like I was damaged goods and not worthy of you or worthy of serving you.

God:  Dear one, you were getting lost in the rules and limitations of church.  You were allowing me to grow deep within you and knowing that I was far more than you were being taught or experienced.  You saw beyond the walls and the rules and no one would listen.  Because they wouldn’t listen, you began to believe that it was you who was wrong.  You tried so hard to fit into the constructs that man created in my name.  You knew me and you knew I was far greater than they could preach on Sunday morning.  You knew that I was not contained by the walls of a church or the doctrine of a church or even the word.  You knew me and I knew you.  You didn’t trust your knowledge.  You allowed man to define who I am.  That wasn’t to be your experience.  You were limited by ministry.  So, it was time for you to move on in your journey to learn greater things.

Me:  I felt rejected by you.  I begged you to let me serve.

God:  I know and you did.  You just didn’t see it.  Every time you spoke a word of love and encouragement to people, you expressed my love.  Every time you accepted people where they were at on their journey, you expressed my desire.  You have always been an expression of me.  You just didn’t experience it because you were busy defining how ministry – how serving me ought to look.  You remember Adriana in California?

Me:  Yes.  She was such a neat person.

God:  She thought of you as an angel because that is how she experienced you and your goodness.  You brought such wisdom and joy and encouragement to her life.  If you can find her drawing, look at it again.  She is just one example of how you represented me in your life.  Formal ministry, no.  Yet more important than formal ministry.  You touch so many people because you are not limited by rules and constructs.  You still touch people.  Now you need you to complete your journey to finish your journey strong.  As that happens, your impact to other people is great.  I allowed you to have a greater experience of ministry because it is what you asked for.

Me:  When Chuck says my life is what I asked for it sounds like he is being punitive – like you made your bed, now lie in it.  Things mother would say.

God:  Knowing Chuck as well as you do, do you believe he is being punitive or is it the past speaking into your present?

Me:  Chuck means nothing by it.  I just have these feelings of guilt when he says it like I don’t have the right to feel sorrow or pain.  I created it so just pull myself up by the bootstraps and be done with it.

God:  That is your interpretation and things your father would have said.  Chuck is present in your journey today.  He is human and has limitations and that is okay.  He is open to me and allows me to speak through him for you when I can’t reach you because you chose to move away from me or you get focused on something else.

Me:  I am tired.  I am going to try and sleep for a while again.  It is Saturday and there is no demand of my time today.  I am resting in you.

Thank you for the sleep this morning.  Put me behind schedule for the day and I was annoyed but soon let it go realizing it is Saturday and I can choose my schedule and how to go through the day.  So it shifted a couple of hours later.  Still got everything done I needed.

On my walk this morning, I was accompanied by grasshoppers hopping all around me as I walked.  Where one would then hop off another one or two or three would join.  The message:

The grasshopper moves to its own rhythm and tune, indicating this creature is a advocate of intuition and listening to our inner voices. The grasshopper encourages us to listen to our own stirrings – those beautiful chirping lullaby’s that sing in our hearts are indications of our inner beauty and creativity. The grasshopper totem reminds us these inner musings must never be silenced – rather, they should be nurtured, and always remain as the background music to the performance of our lives.

As with most insect totems, the grasshopper keeps itself to the ground. As such, this is a grounding totem, and the grasshopper can teach us stability, patience, security, and solidarity.

The grasshopper chooses those of us who are innovators, forward-thinkers, and those who progress in life by unorthodox methods. This is because grasshopper symbolism recognizes tremendous leaps of faith, impressive jumps in progress and consistent forward momentum. Those with this totem are likely to aim high, and achieve amazing feats – they take great leaps where others fear to tread (or jump, in this case).

Another special feature of the grasshopper totem is that it calls to those who have natural clairvoyant abilities. Just as the grasshopper uses thousands of tiny eyes to formulate the “big picture” so too do those whom the grasshopper is called. In other words, those with this totem are visionaries. They see things intuitively, seeing beyond what the concrete world holds, and they use this special vision to see the world with a childlike wonder.

I can see how the message from God through the grasshopper speaks as to where I am at today.

I am getting tired again.  Maybe sleep would be a good thing since I am experiencing physical symptoms.  I know my body needs sleep.  God has sustained it for so long.  Maybe a nap.

Me:  God, I don’t feel you.  I want to feel you, but I don’t feel you.  I feel my parents and Chuck, but I don’t feel you.

God:  That is okay.  In time you will open to receive me.  Right now your opening is to surrender to me and then let it evolve.  I am here and you know I am here.  I am love and you know I am love.  You are allowing me present in your life and you know I am present.  It will come.  You still have some issues.  Right now, go to bed and sleep and rest up.  We have all weekend.

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This entry was posted in EMDR, Emotional Abuse, Loving Self, Neale Donald Walsch, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Transformation and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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