Healing from Sexual Abuse – A Transformational Journey – Part 27

I didn’t get any sleep.   .

Me:  God, while I was resting I got this thought that you are to be experienced fully and I am not sure what that means because in my head God is not merely an experience.  You are greater than that:  King, master, omnipotent, ruler.

God:  Just know that I am.  I am all things and all experiences.  I am in all things and in all experiences.   I am in all the universe and the universe is all in me.  We are one.  You are looking back to your past experiences to define me.  Just know that I am.  I am in you and you are in me.  You are, I am.  Easy, simple and humans want to make it complicated.  I am is very simple and simplistic yet deeply meaningful.

Me:  I believe that you send messages to me through nature as they show up to me like the grasshoppers this morning and the butterflies the other morning.

God:  Yes, because you receive messages from me through them.  They are for you to understand yourself and understand me and understand us.

Me:  I think it is pretty cool.  I’ve always experienced grasshoppers as very unique and interesting.

God:  All the universe is unique and interesting.  You happen to be one who seeks to understand the messages.  Not all do and that is okay.  In the right timing they will.

Me:  I want to feel you and I don’t.  Not in my heart.  I do in my head.  I know your love in my head.  Not my heart.   I long for it in my heart.

God:  Remain in me and I remain in you and it will come to you.  Yield to love.  Let go of control and I am here for you – all of you.

Me:  I want to talk to my father right now.

God:  Good.  I am here.

Spirit Dad:  Enjoying your time with God.

Me:  Yes I am but I don’t feel him.  We aren’t connected.

Spirit Dad:  You have issues to work through with God like you had with your mother and me.

Me:  Seems odd that I have issues with GOD.

Spirit Dad:  They are your issues but important issues.  Let them come up so you can enjoy the intimacy with God you see.

Me:  I wait.  Seems like I do a lot of waiting lately and I am so antsy.

Spirit Dad:  Busy lives keeps away emotions and feelings.  Surrender, daughter.  Yield.

Me:  I know I can’t control it now.

Spirit Dad:  Yes, but it is important to understand your behaviors associated with the feelings so you can make different choices if you want to.

Spirit Dad:  In human form I hurt you sexually.  It has affected your entire life.  What happened with your last sexual experience with a man?

Me:  I couldn’t have sex with him.  I fought him and wouldn’t let him in.  I couldn’t stand it.  I wanted to have sex with him, but I couldn’t.  I felt embarrassed and humiliated.

Spirit Dad:  That happened as you were beginning to remember the sexual abuse.  That was one of your first awarenesses and you didn’t understand it then.

Me:  I felt like a failure – like something was wrong with me as a woman.

Spirit Dad:  There was nothing wrong with you physically.  Emotionally and spiritually it was time that you begin to remember the past.

Me:  How can I talk sex with you?  It is so hard.

Spirit Dad:  Is it really that hard?  I am in spirit.  Perhaps you would rather talk to God about sex?

Me:  No – not me.  Don’t think so.

Spirit Dad:  Then who.  Who do you talk to about sex?

Me:  No one.  It is very private and not to be shared.

Spirit Dad:  I am really the perfect one to talk with about it.  Your sexuality was damaged along with everything else within you.  You haven’t had a natural sexual relationship.  There has always been abuse associated with it.  It is time to heal that part of yourself.

Me:  I don’t know how to heal my sexuality.  It was thoroughly damaged.  I think sometimes that I would like to experience sex again but I want it with someone who loves me, cares about me, respects me and would remain present in my life.  I can’t imagine that happening in this lifetime.

Spirit Dad:  Whether it happens in this lifetime or not is really irrelevant.  What is important is that you heal sexually and it doesn’t mean through a partner.  A partner is a place to express your healing should that happen.  Healing is emotional and spiritual.  It is valuing yourself as a woman as a human being.  It is about surrendering to your being a woman.

Me:  Surrendering sexually isn’t that appealing to me.  It just isn’t.  I have to control my body.  Surrendering is not an option.

Spirit Dad:  Because I took your options from you.  Now you have the opportunity to regain your options back.  Your body couldn’t help itself.  Allow it to heal.  Allow your emotions and spirit to move into a deeper level of healing.  It doesn’t mean that you will ever have sex with a man again but it becomes optional for you and you can surrender to the experience rather than holding back.

Me:   Ok.

Spirit Dad:  Ok?

Me:  Yeah.  I think I am done discussing this subject.

Spirit Dad:  For now.  Think about it and we can talk another time.

Me:  I am experiencing nervousness.  I think letting go of control creates nervousness in me and focusing and sitting still is challenging.

Spirit Dad:  Perhaps the discomfort of not controlling is so great which is why you see control.

Me:  I don’t think about control or not controlling.  It is just normal for me to control and plan for all eventualities.  It is like if I don’t have control then something terrible is going to happen.  I feel as if I am always on alert and prepared.  You taught me that and it is so deeply ingrained.  I just don’t know how to surrender it and feel comfortable.  The anxiety is too great.

Spirit Dad:  Now I need to unteach you.  Allowing and opening for everything to come your way ensures that you are available for whatever gifts the universe brings you whether it is relationship, things, money, God.  Look we are talking and if you had stayed in control that wouldn’t have happened.

Me:  I know and I so want to give up control.  I really do.  The fear is so great inside that it causes me all this anxiety.  It doesn’t make me a bad person, does it?

Spirit Dad:  No, you are not bad.  You’ve done nothing wrong.  Your whole childhood was out of control.  You had zero control and you’ve compensated with over control.  You are not a child anymore.  You are in no abusive relationships.  You are safe now and you are aware now.  You can let go of control and trust that all things in your life are for your own good and that good will come your way.

Me:  I get it in my head.  How do I get it in my heart and in my soul?

Spirit Dad:  By allowing.  By surrendering.  You might have to surrender over and over and over until it becomes as natural as control is to you.  It isn’t an easy process for you.  You will fight it but you will have to choose each moment to surrender and to yield knowing that only good is coming your way.  There may be more tears.  There may be more fights.  I don’t know.  There may be more joy.  I only know that this is important for your journey.

Me:  Maybe I need to be by myself as this transforms so it doesn’t affect other people around me.

Spirit Dad:  That is control again.  You will need to go through life as you normally do and allow life to happen.  You’ve been doing bits of it at a time.

Me:  Just thinking about it is creating incredible anxiety within.  I just don’t know how I can do it.  Can I sleep though it?

Spirit Dad:  Control again.  Choose moment by moment.  Trust.  God is with you.  Your mother and I are with you.  You will not be alone.  Attitude is just another way of control and dismissing the feelings.

Me:  Damn.  I have a lot to learn about control.  Is everything I do and say come from a place of control?

Spirit Dad:  A lot does.  Becoming aware of it is a first step and then allows you to make choices to change.

Me:  This is big for me.   This is one of those things that is firmly rooted deep within my soul.

Spirit Dad:  Yes.  It needs to be uprooted and surrender planted in its place.

Me:  So here is a question.   Can I just uproot control and plant surrender or is that control?  How do I uproot control?

Spirit Dad:  How about letting God answer that one.

God:  We can uproot control and it will take moment to moment choices to not allow control to take root again like weeds.  Are you prepared for that or do you want time to think about it?

Me:  I don’t know.  What if I do it and fail?  What if it doesn’t work?

God:  Trust, belief and faith in our partnership and our strength.  Remember one of your favorite scriptures:  “Fear thou not for I am with you.  Do not anxiously look about you for I am your God.”  That has sustained you for much of your life.  You walk in my life in my light in my love.

Me:  It causes me to relax.

God:  Abide in me and me in you.  Love and surrender and acceptance will be planted in its place.  They are stronger and more prolific than control could ever be.  I know you don’t believe because you have never experienced anything different than you know.  Remember how much you have uprooted already and dealt with the unknown.

Me:  Am I ready and am I strong enough?

God:  You are so ready and strong is an understatement.  You just need to believe and have faith and trust in your own goodness and power and my goodness and power.

Me:  Will you help me or leave me?

God:  Remain in me and me in you.  I have never left you.  I’ve been in you and around you.  I am with you forever if you choose to accept it.  I love you more than you can imagine.  My love has no bounds.  I am what you seek.  My love is what you seek.  My peace is what you seek.  You were there one time and you walked away because humans in your life defined me for you and you did not trust your experience of me.  Trust.

Me:  I am beginning to feel your love.

God:  That is wonderful.  As we uproot control, you will experience my love and the love of others.  Are you willing and are you ready?

Me:  Yes and I am nervous.

God:  It is okay to be nervous.  You are okay and completely safe.  You will make choices from a position of power and not control.  When in control there is no personal power.  Choices and actions are made from a position of fear.

Me:  Wow.  I didn’t fully get that before.  I am ready.

God:  Okay.  Close your eyes and just relax.  Abide in me.  Just breathe as you get ready for this great adventure.  You love adventures and this is just another adventure like hiking to the falls.  Unsure you could do the hike, you chose the experience and the opportunity to embrace beauty over the fear of the steadfastness of the foot.  This is like going on that hike.  So why don’t we hike high up into the mountains to the mountaintop.  You are strong and your body is capable.  We hold hands as I am walking with you.  You sense power and love coming through the firmly rooted trees.  The sound of the water causes you to relax and a deep spiritual purpose overtakes you as it did on the hike just a few days before.  Be aware of the fragrance.  The fragrance that is me.  The sweet, aroma filling your senses bringing joy.  It is a miracle that you hiked to the falls.  Another miracle today as we hike to the field of Marys’ controls on top of the mountain.  You feel strong and relaxed aware of the miracle to come your way.  You are excited about the possibility of releasing control.  It pulsates throughout your body.  You are ready for the miracle of love and surrender to that love.  You are primed.  Continue walking up the trail.  Your body is strong.  Feel every muscle of your body from the tips of the toes to the top of your head working without control, without thought.  You are so magnificent and so amazing.  You are experiencing a deep sense of peace ready to embrace today’s miracle.  This moment.  As you keep climbing you are releasing tension and nervousness just like the hike to the falls.  You have a purpose as you have chosen to uproot control in your life.  Soon we will be at the field.  When you get there, tell me what do you see?

Mary:  I see weeds and stunted growth.  I see withered crops and they are not well defined.  I see flowers all hidden from you as the arms of control have overtaken them.  This is a dead area.  Very little to no life is here.  It has been overtaken and hidden from view.

God:  You see it.  Now I want you to experience what it feels like to have your life choked out of you from fear and control.

Me:  I can’t breathe.  I want to shrivel up and die.  I am alone.  I am afraid.

God: that is absolutely right.  Now we are going to dig up these controls and will keep digging till we find the main control.  Can you do that?

Me:  Yes.

God.  You start digging.  Dig with your hands until you find the root.  You have to pull it up by the root.  Keep digging.  When you get it yank it out.  Pull.  If you need my help to pull let me know.  Good you got it out.  What do you know about this?

Me:  I now it isn’t the main part of control but it is a part of the control.  It  is unwantedness.  It is the feeling of not being wanted and having no control.

God  What do you want to do with it.

Me:  I want to tell it that I want me and there is no need to control it anymore.  I freely release control over not being wanted and every pattern it takes.  I release control over the fear of of not being wanted.  I choose me and love me.

God:  Good.  Can you plant love and want in its place to grow strong and secure and stable.  Pack it down tight.  Water it and its roots happily and joyfully travel deep within the earth to the center holding firmly to center.    There is light beginning to shine and it cannot be taken away in your new life.  On to the next one.  Dig deep.  Pull harder and harder.  You have the strength to do this.  Feell the strength in your body.  Good you got it.  What is this root?.

Me:  Powerlessness.  It is firmly rooted because no matter what I did, I was powerless as any child would be, but the powerless stayed throughout my life time.

God.  How do you want to transform powerlessness?

Me:  With my power  from a position of love and power.  I no longer have to live in fear of powerlessness.  I stand in my own power and strength.  I plant personal power in its place.

God:  good.  Feel the personal power reach deep down into my earth.  Feel the roots reach deep down connecting with wanted and loved and joining at the center of my earth.  Are you okay?

Me:  Yes.  I am fine.  Experiencing a little headache.

God.  That is okay.  Perhaps that is the next root and it is leading there.  Go ahead and dig up the next root.

Me:  It is tension.  Holding on tight to what I know and experienced based on the past.

God:  Good one.  What do you want to do it with it?

Me:  I want to release it.  There is no tension needed where love grows.  There is peace instead because yesterday’s experiences are not part of todays. The abuse is over.  I release tension and I plant peace in its place.

God:  that is great.  Allow the roots to flow down deep in the earth connecting with wantedness, power and now peace.   Feel the roots strengthening.  Feel yourself strengthening.  You have no control except through choice.  They grow naturally and willingly.  Where to now?

Me:  Avoidance.  I uprooted avoidance.  Avoidance keeps me from dealing with the discomfort of my life.  I have a lot of control because I don’t have to feel the emotions.

God:  Good for you.  What will you replace avoidance with?

Me:  I replace avoidance with awareness.  I eagerly plant awareness in its place.

God:  Feel awarenesses roots connect with wantedness, power and peace and feel yourself growing stronger and stronger more alive.

Me:  Yes.

God:  Let’s move onto the next one.  Pull it up with all your strength.  Tell me what do you find?

Me:  I find sorrow and it is deeply rooted.

God.  Sorrow is such a gift to you.  It has been a big part of your life.  Are you ready for joy?

Me:  I am ready for joy but I don’t want to let go of sorrow completely?  It has been what has brought me back to life and to teach me to feel and honor myself.

God:  Sorrow is not the end all.  As long it is firmly rooted you will need to control to protect yourself.  Can sorrow be wrapped up in joy?

Me:   A hybrid where its main growth is from joy because it is stronger than sorrow.

God.  That is right.  Are you ready to plant joy.

Me:  Oh yes.  Sorrow is cradled by joy and I plant them in the ground carefully and gently.

God:  You are so wonderful Miss Mary.  Feel the roots of joy connecting with wantedness, power, and awareness.  Deeper and stronger this connectedness goes.  You are doing wonderful.  What is your next uprooting you do.

Me:  I uproot distrust and naturally will replace it with trust a trust that uses wisdoms and intuition that is not blind.  Because of awareness and power it will be able to discern.

God:  That is good.  Discerning trust.  Powerful.  When it is planted you will not have to control people around you as you will have the discernment and trust to know.

Me:  What if I don’t get it right.

God:  You might not always, but it is okay to not be perfect.  Do you want to plant this new growth and allow it to connect with wantedness, power, awareness, peace, joy?  How much strength and power is in that connection?  What is your next old root.  You are working hard on this one?

Me:  It is unworthiness.  It is resisting being uprooted.

God.  Unworthiness has a lot of fear associated with it.  What is it gift to you?

Me:  The fit of unworthiness is never to expect anything great for myself and never have to be disappointed or hurt.  It explains why the abuse happens.

God:  Unworthiness needs o be coaxed.  It has a strong foot hold and its roots are dying and it is afraid.

Me:  Thank you unworthiness for your protection and cloak that kept us safe.  There Is no more abuse in our life in the present or the future.  You can be transformed now into worthiness because you are tired and it is time.

God:  That is good.  Pull harder now.  She is releasing her control.  You will get to her.

Me:  Got it.  I plant worthiness in its place.  I feel worthiness connecting to wanted, power, awareness, peace, power, joy, trust.  What a powerful team these are making.  I experience the roots connecting and being intertwined with one another sustaining each other, supporting each other and pushing down deep towards the center of your earth, God.  This is wild.

God:  Yes it is wild.  Are you aware of the presence of your mother and father?

Me:  Yes.  I am glad they are here.

God:  Chuck is here as well.  Will you welcome him.

Me:  Hi Chuck.  I am glad you are here in spirit with me to witness this night.

God.  Look around you.  There are many spirits with you.  The other sages stand around you.  You are so loved.  Feel their love and their strength.  .  Allow it all to seep in for you.  You are beauty and you are life.  You are energy and a conduit of love.  To be that conduit it is important that all roots are pulled.

Me:  I am ready to continue.  I am grateful for all of you being here with me.  The mountain is alive with all of your spirits and your strength and your wisdom.  I feel your love.  It is indeed a great night.  I just want to sit here and enjoy all of you here.  My past, my present.  Spirits who have gone before me and those still present with me  I have so many questions of all for you and want to know so much.

God:  There will be time later for that.  Right now this is about clearing the roots of control.    I know you feel such greatness tonight.  Receive all the love and strength and light they are sending your way.  It is full of life around here.  No dearest, you never walk alone ever.  These spirits are always with you.

Me:  I am so amazed.  I want to fall down on my knees in amazement.

God:  Right now it is time to continue with pulling up the roots.

Me:  Okay.

God:  We left off with unworthiness and planted worthiness in its place.  What is the next one?

Me:  Darkness.  This is deeply rooted.  Darkness to keep the light away to hide the secrets.  Darkness.

God:  go ahead and pl lot the roots of darkness.  It is tough for you isn’t it.

Me:  I feel afraid.

God:  that is why we are all here with you.  Dig deep.  What is the value of darkness?

Me:  To hide from myself and others.  To keep the secrets safe.  To be hidden.

God:  What are you feeling:

Me:  Sadness and fear.

God:  I will sit with you and hold your hand why you pull up the roots of darkness.  Allow my love and light to strengthen you.  Look around you and there is none here to feel fear and sadness.  Look at the lights around you.  Receive their love.  You no longer avoid it but welcome it.  You ready?

Me:  I feel physically sick.

God:  It is only fear.  The secrets have no power.  The secrets are the root of darkness.  Pull the secrets out and darkness will come because it is attached.

Me:  This is deep and not wanting to let go.  I’ve almost got it.  What if I throw up?

God.  Then you throw up.  It is okay.

Me:  Okay it is out.  It is so ugly. The secrets are so ugly.

God:  They are the foundation of your lessons in this lifetime.  Can you view them with gratitude for the lesson you receive?

Me:  I can.  I’ve learned so much about suffering from them and illusions.  I am grateful for the experiences and the knowledge they have brought me.

God:  And what do you plant instead?

Me:  I actually plant light and I plant truth.  Everything brought into the light is seen and visible to all.  No fear of discovery.  Truth so no secrets gain a foot hold.

God:  So much power Mary.  So much power.  Do you feel it connecting with all your new plantings?  Feel the roots connecting and going deeper into the earth.

Me:  I do experience it.

Me:  I am ready again.

God:  Let’s move on.  The roots are getting harder to pull up.  You are able to do it.  Focus on what is the next one.

Me:  Self-hatred.

God:  That is a big one.  What was the value of self-hatred?

Me:  Keeping me safe.  A reason why good things didn’t happen to me and why bad things did.  An excuse for being unlovable.

God:  Are you ready to pull the root of self-hatred?

Me:  Oh yes.  I am so ready.

God:  It has strong roots.  You took on all the hatred of your family and now it is yours to eradicate.  Up for the job?

Me:  Absolutely.  I am looking deep into the root and it so doesn’t want to give up its stronghold.

God:  No doubt.  I am shining my love down into the root and it will lessen its grip.  Now pull again.

Me:  It is coming up slowly like something is trying to keep it down.  It feels scary.

God:  Abide in me and I in you.

Me:  It is here and taking up so much space.  I am experiencing some fear.

God:  Fear thou not for I am with you.  Don’t look anxiously around you for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and uphold you in my righteous right arm.

Me:  I choose to release my self-hatred.  It kept me safe but I don’t need it anymore.  Thank you for the job but now it is time for Gentle love of myself.  What I see instead is weakness.  This is interesting.   Is it that self hatred provided a lot of energy and without it there is weakness?

God: Seems to be so.  Perhaps weakness was a part of the self hatred.  You always turned away from weakness.  You couldn’t stand it being around.  You loathed weakness.

Me:  I did loathe weakness.  It seems weakness was a part of me hidden within self hatred.  That is so very interesting.  I am getting tired.  This has been hours.

God:  I know.  We need to finish tonight if it takes all night.  No work tomorrow.  You can do this.   What do you want to replace self hatred and weakness with.

Me:  Love. Unconditional love for myself that is limitless.

God:  Good for you.  Wise choice.  Your love will provide so much strength for you.

Me:  It is planted and connecting with all the new plantings.

God:  I know you are tired.  It is important to go on.  There is plenty left of the night to sleep.  Ready?

Me:  Yes.  Yes I am ready.

God:  What is next?

Me:  Fear of not being good enough and therein lies the root of perfection.  If I am perfect enough I can be loved and not rejected.

God:  that is right.  There is a lot of control around perfectionism.  This is a big one.  I will help you pull this up together.  Perfection keeps you away from experiencing the wonders of life and experiencing me.

Me:  Okay.  Here we go.  Perfection, it is time to be done away.  Thank you for helping me get it right so often.  It is time for you to rest.  Thank you for all that you’ve done.

God:  Okay , Ready, one, two, are you sure you are ready.

Me:  God, you sound like Bobby when he first went to kiss me.

God:  I know.  I wanted to lighten p the moment and show you the funny side of imperfection.  Let’s do it.

Me:  Wow that has a big root with so much fear attached to it.

God:  Oh yes.  That is why it took energy from so many of us.  You are so strong.  So, what goes in its place?

Me:  Acceptance and humanity.  I don’t know what else to call it.

God:  You are allowing yourself to be fully human?

Me:  Yes.  Perfection is a big control in my life.  Doesn’t allow for breathing room and is a great illusionist.

God:  Is there something else you want to plant with it.  I sense that there is.

Me:  No, but there is more attached to it.  Self deprecation.

God:  Yes that makes sense to me.  Perfection hides weakness and when imperfect you belittle yourself and devalue yourself which would lead to more perfectionism.

Me:  I am so tired.  It is early morning now.

God:  Yes, but important to continue.  So what do you plant.

Me:  I plant self acceptance, self value, reality and not illusion,.  I plant them and experience them connecting to everything other new planting tonight.  Powerful.

God:  Almost done.  You can finish.

Me:  The next one is judgment.  Judging others as better as or worse than me.  Judging myself and judging you God.

God:  Yes,  So what do you want.

Me:  I want to release judgment of me and others and allow acceptance and love to replace it.

God:  Go ahead and plant.  What next?

Me:  Fear of living.

God: Ahhe.  Very big for you.

Me:  Yes.  I feel as if I don’t have the right to live or to take up space because I am so bad and so ugly.

God:  So how are you going to pull out these roots?  Choose to move into another place and time.

Me:  Huh.  I think I am falling asleep.  I am choosing to release my fear about living.  I have the right to live and to take up space and to be heard and to speak.  God, seriously if I don’t go to sleep I am going to fall asleep here.  Just give me a little shuteye.  This is critical to me.

God:  Okay.  Sleep well in our presence.

This entry was posted in EMDR, Emotional Abuse, Loving Self, Neale Donald Walsch, Physical Abuse, Prison, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Transformation and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s