Healing from Sexual Abuse – A Transformational Journey – Part 28

I did sleep well for whatever short period of time it was.  I danced in the forest in joy and completely free with everyone here present.  God was such a part of it and God was Spirit.

God:  Freedom from the chains that bind you is tremendous and joyful.  We all watched you dance and it was so beautiful and so joyful.

Me:  I felt like the free spirit I am.  No limitations and all me in love with myself and with you and all present.  I felt you there.

God:  I know.  You kept thanking me.  It was great fun and brought great joy to all of us.  Are you ready to continue.

Me:  Pulling up the roots of my fear of living is easy especially as I danced throughout the night last night.  I joyfully pull them out.  I replace roots of faith that all that comes my way is for my own good knowing that all abuse is behind me.  I joyfully plant faith and in connects with all the other new roots.

God:  So powerful.  Faith is powerful even when dealing with unknowns.  Can you have faith not knowing what is coming your way?

Me:  Yes.  There is nothing to fear about the unknown because all that comes my way is for own good.  Faith in that belief sustains me when I don’t know what is coming my way and allows me to keep moving forward.

God:  That is good.  Very wise of you.  Now where do you go.

Me:  What I see is a comingled plant.  It is pride and stubbornness and independence all connected together.

God.  It is huge for you.  You have so much pride and not in the good way.  You are stubborn as many are not.  You value your independence because you don’t have to experience surrender and vulnerability.  Are you really ready to uproot this.

Me:  I am not only ready but I am willing.  I don’t know what that means to me not having those in my life.  You know some of it is good and I just don’t want to toss it out.

God:  That is right so let’s look at what part of those that are good to keep.

Me:  I think another word or another aspect of stubborn is tenacious.  I think being tenacious is good as it keeps me moving forward and not giving up when things get tough.

God:  Good.  Tenacious is good when it is balanced with intuition and knowledge and wisdom.  What about pride.

Me:  I am very prideful in that I don’t want nor really allow people to help me.  It is very connected to independence.   I am prideful in that I don’t need.

God:  Everyone is in need of something.  You need to eat and to sleep.  People need each other in communion.  You have need mixed up with dependence.  Need can be good.  It is when it is abused that need is a problem.  Example:  You are not dependent on Chuck for your journey.  You don’t need Chuck to walk your journey.  You need him, though, for what he brings to you.  Present life experiences.  His stability and groundedness when you are wavering and disconnecting.

Me:   I don’t feel I need him or anyone for that matter.  I feel I want Chuck to be present and that he is supposed to be present.

God:  Chuck is to be present.  There is nothing wrong with needing him to partner with you on this journey.   You went on a hike with Chuck.  You needed him at times on the hike to help you over a hurdle.  Most of the time you relied on your own strength and your own feet knowing that you could do it on your own.  You didn’t have him help you each and every step.  That would be need gone awry! Need isn’t always bad.   It begins to be a problem when you believe you can’t live without the object or person you need.  That isn’t you.  You breathe easily and freely and move through your journey with or without Chuck.  There is a reason for his partnering with you on this journey and that is for him and it is for both of you.  There is a power that comes from your connection.

Me:  Is need wrong?

God:  Read my words.  This is your independence fighting for control.  Need to you means vulnerability.  Need to you means that people will abandon you and walk away from you.  So you maintain your independence and invincibility to keep that from happening.   Look in nature to see how healthy need is.  Pollination doesn’t occur without bees and the wind.  Growth needs rain.  Waterfalls need rain.  Fish need water.  Women need men for conception.  There is healthy need out there.  It all got mixed up for you.  You needed your mother and father and they used that against you and they abandoned you.  You learned stubbornness and independence and denial of need to survive.  Although there are good aspects to that, it went to a place of dysfunction for you.  You went to the extreme which you needed to survive.  You are not surviving now.  There is nothing to survive.  The abuse is done with.  Now you can live and take the good aspects and toss out the rest.

Me:  If I allow need – appropriate need – and it is abused again.  Then what?

God:  You have faith that everything that comes your way is for your own good.  That has taken root now in you and why it is a foundation root.

Me:  My independence allows me not to be controlled by other people’s belief systems, judgment, control dramas.

God:  Your perception of your independence gives you a false sense of security and false sense of strength and feeds into your pride and stubbornness.

Me:  Really?  Illusions.

God:  Yes.

Me:  The part of independence I want to keep is the part that allows me to move through this lifetime without regard to belief systems contrary to mine, without dependence on another human being or object.  The part of stubbornness I want is tenaciousness that allows me not to let adversity be the end all for me.  Pride.  I am not sure there is any aspect of pride that is of value.

God.  So what do you want to plant.

Me.  Strength, need, vulnerability, tenaciousness, independence with openness.

God:  Good choices.  Go ahead and plant them seep and allow the roots of this intermingling connect with the roots thus far planted.  Feel them all balance out each other seeking nurturing from each other.  You grow stronger every moment of this journey.  You feel balanced and at peace believing only good comes your way.

Me:  It is powerful.

God:  What are you feeling at this moment.

Me:  I am feeling a little fear like I am not going to be able to hold onto these truths and I will become as I was.

God:  Every moment is a choice for you.  What would you be if you didn’t feel fear?

Me:  I would be at peace walking through each day trusting and believing all things are here for me.

God:  Good.  So why not now.  Why not pull up the roots of fear and eradicate it.

Me:  Fear is a good guide telling me when and what and who to avoid.

God:  You are right that there are some good aspects to healthy fear.  Such as, you have fear in jumping off a cliff.  That is healthy because the outcome would be harmful for you.  Fear is unhealthy when it affects your everyday living and when it controls you and you control everything around you to keep you from feeling fear to keep bad things away and it doesn’t work.  There are still hard things that happen.  It is a lot of work for you and sometimes you can’t handle it.  Can you dig up fear and release it.

I need some help.  I will dig it up and I need some help.

God;  We are all here with you.  Feel our power seep into your veins.  Feel our love enter into you.  Chuck, this is a hurdle.  Touch Mary’s shoulder.    Mary you are strong and capable.  You no longer need fear to be part of your life.  Without fear you are free to live.  Choose life.  Choose freedom from fear.  You see your choice to reach down deep and pull up the fear by its roots.

Me:  Fear is firmly rooted.  I didn’t know.  It is slowly pulling up.  I choose to live without fear.  I choose me.  I choose my life.  Here it is.  Fear.  A gift that lived past its purpose.  Thank you fear for protecting me but it is time for trust and faith to transform you.  I release fear and choose faith.   I am free of fear.

God:  Good.  You chose your life of freedom rather than a limited life of fear.  Because of all the work you have done here, you now find that the need to control is no longer there.  You’ve chosen faith, freedom, trust, joy, love  and so much more.  Now it is time to choose control or surrender.  Control creates an illusion of safety.  Surrender creates the free flow of life allowing for and believing that all that comes to you is for your own good.

Me:  I choose to release control.  Now that fear has transformed, the need for control is gone.  It really is easy to release control when you have stripped away all that fed into it.  With joy, with gratitude, I pull up the roots of control and release it.  I surrender to the universe knowing all that comes to me is for my own good.  I have faith and joy and peace and trust and understanding.  I plant surrender to comingle with all the other roots.

God:  You’ve done well my child.  Do you see all the spirits around you.  They are rejoicing.  The tears are joy as you chose to remove a lifetime of deeply rooted control issues.  You are free.  Now what would you like to do with the roots you pulled.

Me:  I want to pile them up and have a bonfire and celebrate.  I am deeply grateful for what these roots provided for me in my lifetime when it was necessary for them to exist.  I am deeply grateful for the opportunity to release them and transform them.  This fire is about transformation not about killing them off.  I honor the role they played in my life.  I welcome all new roots.  There is a mixture of sadness and joy as they transform.  Time to say goodbye.  Time to release.  Time to allow the new roots to grow.  I want all to gather around me as I relinquish the roots to transformation.

God:  Everyone is here.  Are you ready.

Me:  Yes I am ready.

God:  And so it is and so it is.

Me:  Good bye my lifetime companions.  Thank you for the gifts.  I will never forget what you gave me and what you did for me.  Thank you.

God:  There is ash left.  What would you like to do with it?

Me:  I will use it as fertilizer for the new growth.

God:  Good.  Now feel the love emanating from all of us including yourself.  Let the power of love bathe these roots and make them stronger and thus making you stronger.  Allow the love to penetrate deep within you.  Love for yourself, Love for others, love from others.  Love is powerful.  Stand in your power that comes from new life.

Me:  thank you God for the journey.  Thank you for this opportunity.  Thank for all for the support.   I feel love rising deep within me and it is powerful and the fragrance is beautiful.  Thank you.

I feel so tired.   A good tired.  The tears are not from sorrow but from release, from relief, from joy, from spirit.

God:  Go and rest.  You’ve done well dear one.  Rest.

Me:  I had a longer nap than I intended to and had to force myself awake.  I woke up in joy.

God:  You rested for just the right time.  It is for your own good.

Me:  God, I am experiencing you deeply as love.  I have so much gratitude for my journey – all of it from conception through today.  Gratitude for my experiences for the present of all those who have participated with me.  My life was shattered and so many times I wanted to die and for some reason I kept going on.

God:  Because your journey is not to end leaving the universe with more hopelessness.  You have had an amazing life.

Me:  I am so full of joy.  I am aware of sorrow and more questions, but I know that in time all will work out the way it is to work out.

God:  Allow for whatever each moment brings to you.  You may be full of joy one moment and sorrow the next.  You are living your life fully.  Don’t define it just experience it and learn from it.

Me:  I want to stay in this world with you, mother and father and other spirits.  It has been so powerful and beautiful this weekend that to go to work tomorrow seems so insignificant.

God:  I know, but working is part of your process a place to live new life and opportunities for choices.

Me:  I am concerned about not getting it right.

God:  You chose to transform control.  Surrender is what you asked for.  Here is an opportunity to surrender and allow yourself to be real and honest.

Me:  How quickly I forget.  I choose to surrender and know that all that comes my way is for my own good.  I just prefer to stay here.

God:  We are always with you.  Being a part of your everyday life is important for you and important for those around you.  Our love sustains you.  Your love of yourself sustains you.

Dad:  You are so amazing Mary Lynn.  Good processing.  We are so proud of you.

Mother:  You are so strong and so courageous.  You faced some fairly deep roots in your soul and allowed for transformation.  It does my heart proud.

Me:  Thank you and thank you for being part of the process.  Thank you for giving me life and thank you for having the courage to give me the experience I asked for in this lifetime.  My heart is full of love and gratitude for both of you.

This entry was posted in EMDR, Emotional Abuse, Loving Self, Neale Donald Walsch, Physical Abuse, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Transformation and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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