Me: I am back and I want you to know how much I hate you.
Dad: That is a big turn around.
Me: I hate you so much for taking everything away from me so I wouldn’t have any fucking life you fucking moron.
Dad: What is up with you?
Me: I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
Dad: I love you. You are worthy of love. You are love. Hate is just the other side of the spectrum of love.
Me: I hate you so much.
Dad: What happened.
Me: None of your fucking business.
Dad: I love you. I am here for you. You are valued. I am not sure I understand what is going on. You have some intense feelings
I can just sit here and cry. I don’t know what to tell him. How do I tell my rapist how much he ripped out of me? How do I tell him that I am full of nothingness?
God: Mary, I love you. Do not fear for I am with you. Do not anxiously look about you for I am your God. I will strengthen you and uphold you with my righteous right arm.
Me: Go away.
God: I love you. I remain in you and you remain in me. Abide in my love.
Me: I don’t want your love.
God: You don’t have to receive it. I love you and I remain in you.
Me: I don’t really care.
God: You are hurting and that is why you are so angry. You transformed all parts of your control and you are left with emotion and you don’t have the old ways of dealing with it. It is okay. You are not alone.
Me: Seriously? Here on earth I am alone. There is nothing here for me. I don’t want to remain here.
God: Earth is like going to school. It is where you learn your lessons so one day you can have a successful and positive graduation. It is where you work out relationship stuff.
Me: But in the other realm, I was welcomed and loved and wanted and I felt a part of everyone and everything. I experienced oneness and it was awesome. Here it is blah.
God: Then bring the other realm with you. Integrate it. It isn’t time for you to go there. It is important for you to remain here and allow yourself to apply the lessons. Bring the experience here.
Me: I can’t. It is impossible. You don’t understand.
God: Ah but I do understand. I’ve been through all you have been through. I’ve experience deep loss. I’ve experienced great joy. I know what it is like to be alone in my pain. I am probably the only one who does with you right now. I totally understand when reality hits and the bottom is pulled out from under you even if you chose it. I understand what it is like to give love and not receive love. I understand what it is like to feel abandoned and lost. I understand what it is like to move through it and choose to go through with the plan. You are in so much pain right now.
Me: I thought the pain was behind me and I could just live in the joy of transformation.
God: You can. There is more to work through and you have new tools with which to work with it. New opportunities to make different choices. You have such high expectations. You fell is you do “A” then it is natural “B” will follow. Not necessarily so.
Me: Why not. Why can’t I expect B to follow A if that is the way it is supposed to go.
God: Because it isn’t in your control. You are new at this and feeling vulnerable.
Mother: Mary Lynn. I am here. I want to hold you and comfort you.
Me: You passed up that opportunity. You told me you didn’t believe I was capable of being hurt or having feelings. Now you are dead and want to comfort me and hold me. Fuck man. Only dead people want to do that with me.
Mother: I understand your pain in more ways than you can begin to comprehend. Woman to woman. I understand. I love you. You are a dear friend and a dear daughter. In human form I didn’t value you. I didn’t teach you about your own worth. I didn’t teach you how very precious you are as a person and as a woman.
Me: No you didn’t. It isn’t your responsibility now so go away.
Mother: I love you and I am not going away.
Me: You are dead and bring nothing to the table.
Mother: I bring our spirit world to the table. I bring love for you to the table. It wasn’t just your father who messed up with your sexuality. I did that as well.
Me: Really. It is okay. It isn’t important anymore and there is no value to it.
Mother: It is important and there is a lot of value. It is important for you to value yourself as a woman and as a sexual woman. Sex for consenting adults is fine. We never taught you that. We showed you differently because of the sex with you as a child. We taught you it is secret and dirty. We taught you to objectify your body.
Me: I don’t know why I am so upset tonight.
God: You’ve gone through a major change the other night pulling up the roots of feelings and behaviors that no longer serve you and you planted new ones. There is discomfort while in this in between state. The old is gone and the new isn’t completely set in. Trust in your new life. Have faith it will get better. Remember we all walk with you.
Mother: Be patient with yourself and you know what I am talking about. I know it hurts and you are okay. You’ve done so well and have been so brave. Don’t give up before you experience the great miracle at work inside of you. Sometimes reality hurts, but reality is healthy and good. You are strong enough to move through this. Go ahead and grieve. Those you experience life deeply, feel deeply, hurt deeply, live joyfully.
Me: Mother, I don’t know that I want to handle this.
Mother: Yes you do and you can. Joy cometh in the mourning.
Me: I wish you were here to hold me and comfort me.
Mother: I know. Imagine that I am here to hold you and to comfort you. Imagine me rocking you and soothing your tears. A mother’s love is something you’ve never known and you so much needed. In human form I hurt you, I rejected you, I abandoned you. In spirit I’ve always loved you deeply. We were so close. Can you feel my spirit?
Me: Yes I can.
Mother: Just feel it. It has only love and compassion for you. I understand your feelings. I know that you asked for this level of pain in your life and I understand that doesn’t help with the feelings. You were always so strong for me while I was in human form. Let me be strong for you now. Let me be the mother you so much need and want. I understand your pain. As a woman I know what you are going through. As spirit, I have the full picture. Just trust the journey. Trust the process. If you stay on board, you will know the reasons and the answers. Don’t let this shut you down. It is to be experienced. This transformation is new for you. It will become familiar soon as long as you stay open to it and not run back to the old and familiar. It isn’t time for you to join us. We are here for you now.
Me: I am so sorry I wasn’t a better daughter for you.
Mother: No worries. You had a lot on your plate. I taught you in human form that you were unworthy and had no value. I told you in words and I showed you by my actions. You are very worthy and incredibly valuable. Allow yourself to feel that and let it stabilize you right now. Remember you pulled out the roots of unworthiness because unworthiness no longer serves you. All the abuse is gone. Doesn’t mean all the pain is gone or people won’t hurt or disappoint you, but all the abuse is gone. It is no longer risky to put on the cloak of worthiness and let those roots grow deep within you. You are worthy without chains to people or objects or events. You are worthy and allow that worthiness to penetrate all that is within you. Never let that go no matter how hurt you feel, how disappointed you are, or how much people reject or abandon you. Love yourself without abandon. Embrace yourself. Live your life fully and completely in whatever way it opens for you. Remain open to the journey and all the abundance the universe has for you including abundant worthiness.
Me: It isn’t easy you know. Hard to let go of 57 years worth of belief systems.
Mother: You have chosen to do it. It will take time for the newness to settle in and become as familiar. Are you still hating your father?
Me: No. I just hate what happened and I was hurting and blaming him because if he hadn’t done what he did, I wouldn’t be the way I am.
Mother: If you hadn’t had the experiences you had, you wouldn’t have the wonderful lessons and gifts you have. Perspective.
Me: I know and I am grateful for the gifts and lessons. I am grateful to you and father for choosing to allow me the lessons I asked for and having the courage to provide me the experience. I need to speak with father now.
Me: I am sorry for just yelling at you and calling you names. I know that isn’t very productive.
Dad: No need for sorry. There are no hurt feelings. Just love for you. You are so tender hearted.
Me: My feelings get hurt easily these days. Doesn’t take much and without my normal coping strategies, it is harder than some.
Dad: You want to finish talking about healing your sexuality?
Me: Not tonight. I am very tired and just want to sleep.