Healing from Sexual Abuse – A Transformational Journey – Part 30

It is late tonight.  Wanted to connect before going to bed.

Mother:  How are you tonight?

Me:  I am tired.  Very tired.  The emotions are so tiring for me.  It is such a temptation to put them all back on the shelf so I can move through each day.

Mother:  Emotions are good – they are rich and tell you that you are living.  Give thanks for them.  Emotions are motion.  As long as you hold them in they are in stalemate.  Allowing them freedom allows for evolving and moving through them.

Me:  I know.  They are still tiring.

God:  Mary this is new to you.  You are trying to control everything and you don’t even know it.  Look at how many times Chuck pointed that out to you tonight.  You wonder why he is part of the journey?  He is the only human at this time that is intimate with you and has the courage to speak truth to you about your controls.

Me:  I know.  He is a good and dear friend.  I am uncomfortable with the vulnerability with him.  It is easier to walk away and deal with the loss now then have him walk away and deal with the loss then.

God:  Allow for him in your life.  It is important to both of you that he remain part of your process.

Me:  It isn’t easy for me to have all this vulnerability, have him part of my life and to do this process.  I am exhausted emotionally.

God:  Perhaps it would be less exhausting if you just went with the flow of the process rather than fighting it.  It is like you are swimming upstream against the current.  You aren’t flowing with it, but you aren’t getting anywhere with it either.  You stay the same and you are exhausted.

Me:  How do I just go with the flow?

God:  Go back to the mountaintop.  Recall pulling up the roots.  Recall planting new roots and the joy you experienced.  The freedom and the peace.  Remember the process and bring it home with you.  You choose moment to moment what each moment contains.  You were hurting last night and when you hurt you run away.  You lash out at people and last night you lashed out at everyone.  That is old fear and you did what you always do.  Fight and flight.  What about honesty and integrity.  What about choosing the new behavior over the old one even if it is uncomfortable and vulnerable?  What if that just allowed you to move forward.  Last night you were holding on for dear life.  You wouldn’t even talk about it and controlled it.

Me:  I couldn’t talk about it.  It was a surprise to me and I felt really vulnerable and in a lot of pain.  I didn’t realize that I had a part of me feeling that way and yes I wanted to run away.

God:  What do you want for your life?

Me:  I want my life to have meaning and value.  I want to be free to be the free spirit I am.  I want to go with the flow.

God:  Are you willing to choose that now?  Are you willing to see your feelings have value and the expression of them is valuable?   Are you willing to share your process with Chuck?  Are you willing to accept yourself and want yourself?  Are you willing to live in the truths you discovered on the mountain?  Only you can choose that for yourself.

Me:  I am willing to choose me and my value.  I am willing to remember the truths.  I am willing to openly share with Chuck.

God:  Okay.  So last night you realized something about a part of yourself and you were willing to toss away everything because of your hurt.  What was that?

Me:  You know what that was.

God:  I know it, but it is for you to share it and realize you have nothing to fear about a feeling.

Me:  I realized last night that a part of me was hoping Robert felt some of the things I felt and that part of me realized there was nothing and was hurt and reacted in anger.  I understand that there is nothing there and glad for that and I wouldn’t want anything there because it would make life way too complicated.  I didn’t know there was a part of me that felt that way. So, I wanted him out of my life and out of the process so I could regain control of the feelings, the emotions, this part of me.

God:  Good.  You could have acknowledged that part of yourself and nurtured her and worked through it with her rather than lashing out at everyone who loves you.

Me:  I am not perfect God.  Right now I feel so far away from perfection.  The habit was to protect and the way of protecting was from a position of control and fix it rather than allowing the freedom to express and feel and nurture.

God:  It is okay to not be perfect.  You choose to value yourself.  When you value yourself you choose to live life completely and thoroughly expressing all emotions.  Holding on to them and keeping them inside is exhausting.  You feel in control and protected.  You chose to give up control and the underlying fears of control.  Do you choose to continue the process or do you choose to continue the control?  It is your choice.

Me:  I choose the process.  I release control and fear and replace them with surrender and awareness and peace.  I choose me.  I choose freedom.

God:  Good live in that choice.  It is safe to express anything and everything with us and with Chuck.  He is to be part of this process.  He is so valuable to you as he participates.  Allow the feelings, whatever they are, as gifts – as opportunities to learn about yourself and about yourself in relation to other people in human form.    Express the feelings and the emotions won’t be so exhausting.  Choose in each moment how you will live that moment.  Choose to live the old way and there is another moment lost you can never reclaim.  Choose life and your freedom and the moments are enriched.  Don’t be afraid of your feelings.  Don’t judge your feelings.  When you stop holding back, the fullness of who you are is completely available to the world.  When you stop holding back, the worthiness and confidence moves in and you are fully present.  As long as you don’t step into your worthiness, you are incomplete.  So what if you don’t have it perfect.  At least you are willing to risk and not hide.

Me:  I told Chuck tonight I had an attachment to him.  I made sure he knew it wasn’t need or anything.

God:  I am glad you became aware of that and that you said something.  The attachment is good.  Think about how wonderful it is that the attachment is not to abuse or an object of abuse.  That is so positive for you.  You do need Chuck and it is okay to need him.  You are not needy of him.

Me:  I know I feel need with Chuck and you know how I hate that feeling.

God:  And you know how I explained it to you before.  Everything in nature needs something from another to become fully who it is supposed me.  Chuck needs you, too.  Have you thought about that?  It isn’t a dysfunctional need between you.  It is two very closely connected friends who find joy in one another in many ways.  It fulfills a need you both have.  You two can live without each other and don’t require the other for sustenance.  That is healthy.  For the work coming your way, Chuck and you need to be closely connected and have all this worked out before.  If it doesn’t get worked out now it will interfere later and keep the power away from you and Chuck.

Me:  I don’t know that I am defining it or I am defining it so I can understand and accept it.

God:  Love him freely, unconditionally, without judgment, in peace and in harmony.  Chuck, love Mary the same way.  I know you do.  This is a reminder and gentle encouragement.   Be patient with one another.  You balance each other out uniquely.  You two have such a gift with one another.  Embrace that gift and move forward.  Mary, you are just going to have to choose.

Me:  I choose the new plantings.  Please help me.

God:  You have a whole team of spirits here including your mother and father.  You have Chuck to remind you and I am fairly certain he will remind you.  You don’t walk alone.

Me:  Thank you.  Thank you for reminding me.  Thank you for the gift of Chuck’s friendship and love and commitment.

Dad:  Thank you Chuck.  In human form, I hurt her so much.  Even if the devastation was something she asked for in spirit, she was broken in human form and knowing that she wanted this experience doesn’t help the feelings that go along with it.  The feelings are there to teach her about herself and about life.  Chuck, in human form you are participating in healing her from the pain I caused her.  I’ve known her a long time and she will fight the very thing she needs and/or wants the most because of her fears.  We are in gratitude to you.

Me:  Well then.  I am experiencing just a tad bit of discomfort.

Dad:  Discomfort about being loved?

Me:  No.  Just the expressions.

Dad:  Deal with it.  So are you ready to get back to our discussion from the other day?

Me:  No.  I am really tired and want to sleep.  I need to get up and work tomorrow and a good night sleep would help that out.  I promise we will talk.  As I say good night tonight, I choose me.  I choose all the emotions and feeling.  I choose my own value.  I choose my worthiness.  I choose acceptance.  I release fear.  I release control.  I release outcome.  I embrace each and every moment that comes my way.  Good night all.

This entry was posted in Emotional Abuse, Loving Self, Physical Abuse, Prison, Sexual Abuse, Transformation and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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