Once again it was an early morning. I am now ready to go to sleep!! I had this insight which I already know but I got it in my heart.
I loved being on the mountaintop. It was satisfying and loving and connected and I felt I belong there. Chuck has often said and I’ve said it that I have to bring that experiences into daily life. One of the things I understood this morning, was it was so satisfying because it was so honest, so transparent, so communicative, so intimate so trusting so freeing and I was fearless. Everything was known and there were no secrets or agendas or illusions. It is that which I seek and want part of my daily life and unable to attain here because I get in my way. I allow the past to define how I experience this life today. It then came to me that with Chuck I have the opportunity to have that level of intimacy and transparency and no illusions and that as I experience or think, it is important to share with him which will later translate beyond him to other people and become more natural in my life. There is a part of me that wants to have sex with him not as an expression of intimacy but as a block to intimacy. I get that now. Intimacy and transparency are learned as children as long as it isn’t shattered and sexual abuse blocked that development and thereby became an intimacy blocker to keep him away from my heart. To have sex with him would mean I would discount him and would feel contempt towards him and he no longer had value and I would leave him. I know that because it has happened often enough before. Chuck is my spiritual partner and that is so huge as we are finding out. Never did I think the journey would go like this. It is important that Chuck remind of my new choices and call me on all my control dramas because I don’t recognize all of them and I am now only beginning to see that it consumes all of me all of the time. It is so ingrained in me physically, emotionally, spiritually that without them who am I and what happens. It is like having to strip down to that very young child and reprogram the experiences to heal this.
I’ve had an entire day to process the insight from this morning. Of course, I want to control it and make it all happen because that is my comfort zone. I choose each moment to allow it to just happen. I do the things I need to do to allow the free flow. I want every day and every moment to experience what I experienced on the mountaintop. I know that is what I seek. I know here with people, it is hard for me because I distrust people, I suspect people’s motivation, I bring my past experiences into the present moment. I have to make a conscious choice to live each moment as a new moment. I feel very sensitive and easily hurt. I feel temper tantrums inside and I cry. Even though, there is fear, I am choosing this moment to be fearless and to trust.
I feel so incredibly blessed to have Chuck in my life at this juncture because he provides for me a place to work out all of this. I’ve chosen to be honest and transparent with him. This isn’t easy as I experience feelings of embarrassment as I am totally open to him and there is nothing today that I don’t share with him. It has been very important to do that with a man who cares deeply for me and will not take advantage of the vulnerability. I choose to surrender control with him and allow him to see me – all of me. It is like being emotionally and spiritually naked. This isn’t easy for me. When I walk away I wonder what he “really” thinks. I wonder if he “laughs” at me. I know that this process is sometimes not easy for him but he has been incredible allowing me to just move through it while supporting me, encouraging me, calling me on my control issues, loving me and caring about me. I love that he doesn’t try to take over the process and fix it. He provides a safe place to be. We laughed tonight until we cried and it was funny. Yes, the universe has provided such a gift of love for me. Safe love and how blessed I feel.
Dad: You have come so far even in the past few days. It is amazing to see the growth as you choose new choices even when you feel as if you can’t move on. Choosing to trust Chuck with your heart, your thoughts, your feelings is big for you and a wise choice. It will help heal you.
Me: I think all of you are helping me to heal. You are all providing truth to me even if I don’t want to see it. You continue to be present even when I want you all to go away. That is amazing love. So different from when I was growing up.
Dad: You got the experience you want and you are well on your way to finishing the journey strong. We may be helping you with healing, but you are choosing it no matter how painful it is.
Me: I want to bring the mountaintop experience into my daily life. I want to experience all of it now – heaven on earth. I thought I had to go there but I realized I can bring it here if I choose and if I risk.
Dad: That is true and your are opening to those truths.
Me: I have to keep talking and sharing and processing for it to happen. I feel it inside of me right now. This moment is full and I experience peace and joy. I choose healing. I choose honesty and transparency.
Dad: Good. How are you with Chuck tonight.
Me: Tonight I am fine. It helps so much to be honest and transparent because things can be talked about and moved out of the shadows into the light. I learned a lot tonight for example. I can be very vulnerable with him. I understand that it’s important for this part of my journey. Guess I feel a little embarrassed about it all, but it is what is needed.
Dad: Through your relationship with Chuck you will find healing. You will find joy and experience freedom in relationship that you can only imagine at this time.
Me: I understand that. It just isn’t always easy. I wonder if I am done trying to push him away. I wonder if that is finished now because I’ve been so honest with everything lately.
Dad: Probably, but don’t be surprised if it gets raised up again. It only requires choice to have it move away from you.
Me: I got everything screwed up with relationships because of my experiences with you and mother. Nothing is ever clear. I relate as child to parent, parent to child, as a victim of abuse, of a perpetrator. It just isn’t easy to just have a relationship.
Dad: You see all relationships as an extension of your mother and me. That is so normal for you for the abuse. You bring all of those experiences into your present and try to recreate the abuse in some way to feel familiar and safe and control. It is as if you can make the abuse happen, make the abandonment happen, make the pain happen you control it. If you allow life to happen and choose healing and health it is unknown to you and you feel out of control and then create your present by recreating the past.
Me: I know. It is so hard sometimes to just allow it to be. I feel safe when I am in control and it is familiar. It is so hard sometimes to allow Chuck so close. He is so much in my heart and it hurts sometimes and I want the hurt gone which means he has to be gone.
Dad: Do you find any joy with him in your heart?
Me: Tremendous joy and satisfaction like he is where he belongs. That is why it hurts sometimes because I don’t know what to do with it. Let it be, I know, is the answer but somehow by defining it I can control it and fear doesn’t have to be part of it.
Dad: Those are illusions. Fear is always part of it when you control it. You are afraid of being left. You are afraid of pain. You are afraid of loving him so much and he doesn’t honor it. Let it be and allow those gifts in your heart. Allow yourself to give and receive love. Leave the definitions and control outside of your heart and just allow your heart to flourish much like being on the mountaintop. It is so ready for that. You have to choose not to let the abuse drama keep residence. The abuse and all of those old roots are fertilizer for this new life – your new heart. It has been transformed and you are in the middle of transformation. Allow the purity of the experience to be. It will grow and as it grows your heart expands and there is room for more love. Love doesn’t crowd the heart. Love grows the heart. The more you give and receive love, the greater capacity you have to give and receive love until you are filled beyond what you can conceive. If you allow the fear to take root again over love and surrender, you will diminish the capacity of the heart.
Me: What if it becomes too much for him?
Dad: It won’t. You and Chuck are together and will be for a long time to come. You are spiritual partners with a deep commitment to one another and each other’s journey. He loves you deeply and you love him deeply. Just let it be and bask in the love.
Me: I experience your’s and mother’s love too and God’s love. There is so much love.
Dad: Let love grow and it will take a firm rooting and just expand.
Me: I feel like I spend a lot of time talking about him.
Dad: That is okay. He is very much part of this journey and he is to be very present in your transformation and your future. This is how you are working through issues of love and acceptance. Let me ask you a question. Do you love yourself? Are you experiencing self-love?
Me: Good question. I am beginning to love myself – to love my heart. I have to let that be as well. If I try to control it I can find all kinds of reasons to not love me and it keeps me safe from myself abandoning me as well. I do love me. I appreciate me. I am strong and amazing. Look how far I come. I know I need to find my value and worthiness. I don’t know how that happens but I know it is in process. It is very tenuous. Sometimes I experience value and worthiness peaking around the corner wondering how safe it really is to come out. The feeling of lack of safety not only is with other people but also is with me as well. I haven’t honored those growths in me really ever. I define them and how they get expressed. When I am in my head, I am value and worthy. In my heart not so much. I abandon me as much as other people abandon me. I fear me as much as I fear other people. I feel as unsafe with me as I do with other people. I guess if I don’t define how they experience worthiness or value, that they will root and grow in the way they are supposed to.
Dad: Your mother and I showed you that you were unworthy throughout your lifetime. Those are deep roots. You kept putting yourself in the same situation to repeat being devalued. You’ve come so far in your lifetime. I remember many years ago you wouldn’t even leave the house and look at you now. You are doing this. You are opening and transforming. Remember faith. Remember that everything that comes your way is for your highest good even if it doesn’t seem to appear that way. Look at your job through open eyes and what do you experience compared to a few months ago – to a year ago.
Me: For the longest time I was experiencing the people in my job abusing me. I would leave daily in tears and pain and shame for how badly I was treated. I wasn’t strong enough to withstand the onslaught because it affected my heart. I felt abandonment, disappointment, distrust. I hated being about the sex king and the drugs. I felt unsafe and every day I felt I was putting myself in an unsafe situation. Yet, I felt everyone there was for my benefit to grow through. Then Todd came into the picture and it got worse and not better. I hated it there and pretty much could not stand any of them including Chuck. I made the decision to walk out of their lives after the cruise.
Dad: What happened?
Me: We moved offices. Todd and I continued to experience conflict. My self-esteem was in the toilet and I had a belief system that I was as unworthy as they were all treating me. Then Bobby came into my life opening the door to Chuck more and we understood we were spiritual partners and then it all grew and I began to change. I stopped acting out these control dramas with Todd. I put aside my need to be right and in control partly because I didn’t want it to hurt AFF, partly because I came to understand that their not seeing my value really was their problem and would eventually become their loss and may still be. I understand that AFF operations would not be without me. They can’t allow themselves to see it because they are too busy patting themselves on the back for what????? The big change, though, is me. I chose to accept Todd and began seeing him as adding value to the organization. He began treating me with more respect and began seeing some of my value. Being more open with Chuck perhaps helped Chuck in dealing with Todd regarding me.
Dad: The key was you changed on how you felt about yourself and how you interacted with Todd. Todd has not changed except on how he interacts with you.
Me: The value thing is my issue but I think after talking with Chuck tonight I really understand that I have to value me. I also understood where Todd was coming from in his class beliefs as narrow minded as they might be.
Dad: You are expressing judgment. As you judge so you will be judged.
Me. Okay I was judging. This is his life journey. Simple.
Dad: As far as you can see.
Me: Seriously, it my experience of him. You know what really began to open to me that he might be ok and this is long before it ever got okay. It was when he shared with me how some man at the mall would not leave his daughter alone and he eventually had to assault this man because he was bothering his daughter. He protected his daughter even to getting arrested. He used his own money to prosecute and sue this man. That is a good father. A protective father. A kind father.
Dad: And yet after knowing that story you still worry if he is sexually abusing his daughters.
Me: I do. I worry about that a lot with people. It just isn’t sexually abusing the daughters but their sons. It is like no parent is a good parent. Their intent is to do great harm to their kids.
Dad: You are bringing your past experience into today’s reality. What happens if you see that parents love and protect their children?
Me: I don’t believe it. I am afraid I will miss the fact they are being abused and they will hurt unnecessarily because I wasn’t paying attention.
Dad: It isn’t your job to protect everyone.
Me: I know but I want to make sure children are safe.
Dad: You can’t do that by seeing every parent as a perpetrator. When it is for you to know and for you to assist, you will know and have that information. Learn to trust for the possibility that there are good people in this world who love and care for their children in a healthy manner. That is a perception that is important for you to allow to evolve. It will help the control issues. Trust of the universe.
Me: I know I asked for this experience. I know I got what I asked for. Even with that knowledge, I don’t feel very trusting of the universe. What kind of God allows children to suffer and hurt like that.
Dad: A God who truly understands the value of real love.
Me: I know. I’ve got to finish for the night. I am so tired and need to sleep.
Dad: Rest well and just let it be. Being awake changes nothing.