I woke up this morning feeling optimistic and excited about life. I just am experiencing feeling good. I embrace it. This process has been very painful and very enlightening. It has brought me to life. I am so grateful for this experience. I am grateful for all the doors opening to lead me here. I know there is more to complete. I also know how far I’ve come. I never planned on this journey and look at me. LOOK AT ME!!!!!! I am so excited!!!!!!
Dad: It is good to see you feeling so alive.
Me: I know. I thought I would spend the rest of my life mired in such pain and tears as my heart experienced such truth and such loss and such recognition of the devastation within. I thought I would be stuck in the emptiness of my soul for eternity. Today, this moment, I am experiencing great joy and gratitude and excitement.
Dad: I am glad you are having those experiences. My caution to you is be aware that you could feel the pain and loss again and just let that be. Don’t control how you feel and what comes your way. Accept all feelings and experiences that come your way knowing it is for your higher good. Don’t fight the process.
Me: I allow the process to flow freely through me. Right now I release control over the process. I choose to release control. I choose to allow life within me. I choose to love myself and value myself. I choose to stand in my own grace. I am grace expressed. I really am. This experience and my heart is because of grace. Wow. God I am excited this morning.
Dad: I am so proud of how far you have come. I am so proud how you stayed with the process no matter how hard and painful it was.
Me: I’ve had to face a lot of truth about my life. I am glad to have faced the truth and not live with illusions. I feel real now like I am living and not so fragmented. I know I have moments of being lost, getting lost and not remembering things. They are so infrequent anymore. Facing the truth, taking the emotions and experiences off the shelf and moving them through my heart has given me the opportunity of having a full life. When living only in my head, I only experience what the head can comprehend. When living within my heart, I experience all of life. The pain and sorrow, the fears, the joys. My heart feels so full this morning like it could burst. I know, though, as you said that it is expanding to allow even more wonder to settle in. Yes, this morning I am excited.
Dad: It is so good to hear those things being expressed from you. You are learning your lessons well.
Me: I get concerned that I feel this and then something bad will happen.
Dad: Just allow for the feelings, the living, the expression and accept all that comes your way. I know you believe if you feel good, something bad will take it away. That isn’t always true. You just don’t trust good in your life and you open to bad to give you the familiar. Allow for whatever comes your way, free of judgment and experience it fully.
Me: I choose to do that this moment. Well, I have to get ready for work. Another glorious day for me.
Well, it is afternoon and I am feeling like crying. Emotional and don’t know why. Just feel like withdrawing from people and hiding. Like crawling in the corner.
Dad: What started it?
Me: I think my car problems. You know I always have issues when my car is affected. Now I have to pay 300 to fix the car.
Dad: You don’t like asking for anything.
Me: I can’t stand it because it implies I have a need and can’t take care of myself. It is shame I feel and I need to hide.
Dad: You do have a need. You aren’t asking anyone to fix it.
Me: I know, but it implies weakness and incompetence.
Dad: You didn’t do this to your car. How is it weak?
Me: It is shame.
Dad: Why shame.
Dad: People have car problems and it doesn’t have anything to do with you. This has totally shut you down and you want to cry. There is something going on around this.
Me: I can’t live without my car. I don’t have a lot of money for these type of issues. I don’t even know if they are telling me the truth and I don’t know how to prove otherwise. It is so vulnerable.
Dad: Not in control?
Me: I feel out of control and I feel depressed.
Dad: So you are withdrawing and hiding because there are things out of your control and you feel vulnerable. What if you choose a different response? No one is mad at you. You haven’t done anything wrong.
Me: I don’t feel safe.
Dad: You don’t feel safe because you feel out of control.
I am home now. I have my car. It didn’t cost as much and it was a pain in the ass to deal with these people.
Dad: So what happened with you and Chuck?
Me: Really not sure. He pissed me off and he knew what he was doing.
Dad: You really think so.
Me: Oh yes.
Dad: You seem to think today that every man is trying to screw you.
Me: I don’t know who to trust and who not to. I can’t prove anything.
Dad: Interesting it is all men today. Car dealership all men, Todd, Chuck. Why is that happening?
Me: How the fuck am I supposed to know that answer. Tonight I feel all men are insensitive assholes that only want to pat each other on the pack and don’t think none of them could do anyone any harm. I could tell them about Pete but no doubt that won’t be an issue with them as well because sex and deviancy all go together with these guys. Porn and all of it. So reminiscent of growing up in our family. Why the fuck and I here? Why am I connected with these people? They objectify woman and treat them as secondary citizens. ALL OF THEM!
Dad: What are you really angry about?
Me: Chuck wants to criticize me and put me down because I suggested the possibility, not the probability, that every man including Todd could sexually abuse their children. I also said I had the awareness last night that I think that way with all men and probably women and that is something I need to release. He and Todd are so tight that it bothered him that I could possibly consider that he might hurt his daughters. Truly, it just makes me wonder more about men. I shared that and he had an issue about it. Fuck him. Fuck you.
Dad: What else happened? Last night you were grateful for him in your life and loved him deeply.
Me: Guess that was an illusion. I don’t need him in my life anymore than I need you in my life. You are dead.
Dad: What are you angry about? Tell me.
Me: I am angry that he wants to judge what he doesn’t know and I didn’t think he would do that and he did that and then he wants to put it all on me because of my “process”.
Dad: He is part of the process
Me: Shut the fuck up. I am really tired of hearing that from both of you. Men are just assholes.
Dad: You sound hurt.
Me: Don’t feel hurt.
Dad: What are you angry about?
Me: Aren’t you a little tired of asking that question?
Dad: I will ask it until you answer or tell me why you won’t answer or if you stop writing. When you come back, I will ask it again.
Dad: At least you are still talking.
Me: Chuck was going on and on about Todd and how Todd in his status could abuse his girls like socioeconomic status keeps that from happening. It didn’t with you. People loved you and thought you were this great guy – just like Todd – just like Pete – just like Chuck. No one could ever believe that you would do what you did. Then I stupidly brought up the club that would protect you. I don’t know if it were a club but it was something and I had zero intention of talking about it. I felt very comfortable with how things were going with the process. It doesn’t matter about any of that other stuff and he wanted to push it like he didn’t believe me. He just can’t comprehend it so if he can’t comprehend it than it doesn’t exist.
Dad: Did he say that?
Me: No. That is my interpretation.
Dad: I want you think about the hike, the dreams, the thoughts, the nervousness. As you are releasing control what has been coming up?
Me: I agreed with myself not to discuss it as it isn’t a big deal.
Dad: It is a big deal.
Me: I don’t think for a minute that Security Finance and all those attorneys don’t know about Pete and they are in bed with him as well and he will get them in his back pocket as well. Perhaps, he has something on Todd which is why they are beginning to get along. I am 100% certain they did their homework. I will keep my mouth shut about Pete. People better beware of him.
Dad: What does Chuck want to know?
Me: You know that question. Why don’t you and Chuck just talk?
Dad: He isn’t open to us. You are open to us and he is connected to you for a reason.
Me: He wanted to know how you all could participate in molesting children and not out one another. He forgets this was the 50’s, 60’s, and no one ever talked about child abuse and children and women were objects to be owned and that the likelihood of anything coming out was nil. There was no mandatory reporting and the belief system was what happened in the family home stayed in the family home. Today, it probably would be reported. Then I remember the gun beside the bed and then the guns at the circle. I really have zero desire to go into that as it is irrelevant anymore. We’ve come too far.
Dad: Will you let Chuck read this?
Me: I don’t know that I will or I won’t? I am pissed at him right now
Dad: Chuck, I don’t know if you will read this. I feel fairly certain Mary will share, but I am not 100% certain as you pushed a very deep rooted button for her. In the 50’s and 60’s like Mary shared, there were very few reported cases of child abuse. Animals had more protection than children. It was easy to keep the sexual abuse of children secret. It wasn’t a club per se. A club is an easy term for Mary to handle. There were people in high places connected through power. Politicians, police chiefs, fire chiefs, judges, attorneys – all wrapped up in power, money, position, socio economic status. Doctor’s paid off. There is a lot of protection that isn’t afforded to people with less – part of the reason why Mary rejects it all because it hides everything. It is still part of her belief system. Power and money buys people. Everyone had something on everyone else which is why Mary is so familiar with Pete’s lifestyle. The night I tried to kill Mary and she ran away she ran away of the police chief’s home. Do you think for a moment that I was frightened by that? No. He was one of her perpetrators and there were no mandatory reporting laws at the time. She didn’t remember at the time but since has which is why she remembers the gun by the bedside. Intimidated and scared her as was the intent. Other parts of herself handled this part of her abuse. We would use drugs and alcohol with the kids. It was all about power and status in the “club”. It didn’t last forever although it feels like forever to Mary. Why children? Virgins, innocence, youthfulness. It is a different experience from my sexual abuse of Mary.
Me: He is dead now. Cancer and alcoholism. Just last year. What a relief it was that he was dead.
Dad: Chuck it is very easy especially in those days to hide. It is about collusion. Don’t think for a moment that in this day and age that it isn’t still going on. It is more difficult now, but it is going on. The time was ripe for hiding in the darkness when Mary was young.
Me: Aw perfection.
Dad: I know this is hard for you Mary. I know you don’t want to discuss it because it is so frightening to you. You could always let Chuck read what you wrote a few years ago.
Me: No, there is no reason. Truly it is all worked through. I’ve got such a headache.
Dad: You are holding onto control.
Me: really, I am okay. It was so cold. I remember how cold it was. I hate being cold. When it gets cold like this I remember and I remember the darkness and the evil.
Dad: It wasn’t pretty.
Me: I felt like a saw in between my legs. You layed me on it. It was a knife – a real knife. Someone scared me with it. Powerful men letting their dicks lead them.
Dad: You can talk about it.
Me: If I choose to print this it will need to come out.
Dad: It is your process and you can decide.
Me: I feel myself disconnecting and not being present.
Dad: Drugs and alcohol. That is why you feel that when you remember. Haze.
Me: Lying there. Aware – sort of – scared. So scared. Body doesn’t move. Body paralyzed. Hands hurt. Hands hurt. Feel like going to die. Why let them hurt me? Go away? Go away.
Dad: Mary you are safe now. It is over now.
Mary: I feel kind of numb to it.
Dad: Chuck, you can’t begin to comprehend all that her mother and I allowed and participated in to harm Mary. It was for her benefit to create devastation and separation. The effects are very deep. She has worked through a lot and now is at the heart level and probably the hardest level for her.
Mary: I am so tired and my head hurts. I only feel scared. No tears. No pain. Disconnected and it is ok. The memory is harsh and not one to revisit lightly. I knew talking about it and Chuck wanting my father to answer the question would bring it up for me and there is no place for it here. None. I feel alone and that is something Chuck won’t comprehend. He doesn’t understand that I am left with it by myself. Yes, it is easier and safer and happier to not be around people. No one can be trusted and no one is safe. To believe otherwise is an illusion.
Dad: This part of you feels this way. You are safe with Chuck. He just wants to understand.
Me: He wants to understand you. He is about power and control too. You two are the same.
Dad: We are similar in some ways. I misused and abused my power over you. Chuck is about power and he doesn’t misuse and abuse you. Think about it. Does he? Where I hurt you terribly in the name of power and position, has Chuck hurt you in the same way with intent?
Me: No he hasn’t.
Dad: It isn’t money, power, position, socio economic position that hurt you. It was your parents who hurt you using those things. Yet you blame those things for your pain. Chuck has those same characteristics and you are expecting the same behavior from, from Todd and anyone else similar. They don’t use those things to harm you and yet you generalize to them your experience with me. It is safer and easier for you to do that rather than exploring the differences and risk being disappointed.
Me: Perhaps. You know I don’t feel anything. I don’t feel love or hate. I don’t feel joy or sorrow. It is nothingness in side like being dead. Maybe I am dead too.
Dad: You are very much alive trying to live deep within your cocoon where you can’t be hurt. Problem is you broke out of the cocoon and there is no protection there for you anymore. Your protection is in your honesty and transparency. You shut down. Shutting down keeps you from completing your journey.
Me: I just don’t know that I care right now. For what reason.
Dad: You do care and that is part of the problem You are feeling so vulnerable and alone like you have to fight alone. You fight for control. You fight for safety. Do you fight for yourself?
Me: Of course I do.
Dad: It isn’t showing now. You are giving up tonight.
Me: I just didn’t think it was necessary to go down this road.
Dad: It has been coming up for you. What do you think would happen?
Me: I worked on it. I don’t need to revisit it. It just more of the same and no reason to stir it up.
Dad: What are you afraid of?
Me: I am afraid of being left alone and when everything is said and done, I am alone and all I have is this ugliness.
Dad: You are not alone.
Me: Yes I am alone. That is reality. You know what. It is easier to be alone than deal with people.
Dad: Embrace the truth. It is your truth.
Me: I just don’t know that it matters really matters.
Dad: You matter. Your journey matters. You feel scared and vulnerable. You are fighting for control.
Me: I just don’t feel. I have to go to bed now. I am tired and I am falling asleep. I want to talk to God first and then bed. I have a special request.
God: I am here.
Me: You know that I struggle with Todd and finding my way with him. You know he hurt me today. I know it wasn’t his intent and I know it is my sensitivity. I don’t want anything wrong with him. I don’t want him to suffer or hurt or his family hurt. So whatever this thing is that showed up, I ask that you heal it immediately or you give it to me and let me carry it for him. I kind of like his life being as good as it has been. So, I ask to carry it and it is good. Now good night. No response needed.