Healing from Sexual Abuse – A Transformational Journey – Part 33

It was a long night and a long day.  I am physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted.  All I really want right now is for human arms to hold me.  No sex.  No abuse.  Just arms to hold me to make me feel I am alive and safe.  That is all.  Here I am with no arms to bring me the comfort I long for much like I longed as a child.  Alone and darkness is what I am left with.

Spirit:  You are not alone.  We are all with you.

Me:  Seriously.  I am alone.  Look around you.  See anyone alive with me.  I didn’t think so.

Spirit:  You are not alone.  We are all with you.

Me:  Is this all necessary Spirit?  Is it necessary for me to dredge up all this crap once again?  Is it necessary to put myself through that once again?  It cost me dearly growing up and it cost me dearly last time I looked at it.  I worked it out in therapy.

Spirit:  You worked it out in therapy and then shut the box and put it on the shelf and moved to South Carolina.  You never came to terms with it.

Me:  I did come to terms with it.  Integrated parts.  Prayed.  I remember emotion.

Spirit:  You felt depressed.  You were highly medicated to save your life.  You were on constant suicide watch.  Is that dealing with it?

Me:  I faced it.

Spirit:  You looked at it.  You never accepted it and you moved to South Carolina.

Me:  There was nothing more to do.  I just needed to not to have to deal with it.  It doesn’t serve a purpose.  It has no value.

Spirit:  The value is to live fully in your life.  In order to do that you have to face your greatest fears and your greatest pain.

Me:  I’ve done it.  It is enough.  I did not want to look at this again.  I don’t even know what all of it means.

Spirit:  You will only need to face this one more time if you choose to face it and not run from it.

Me:  I am afraid.  I am afraid of the darkness and the evil and the demons.

Spirit:  Nothing can hurt you.  It is over with.  All of the abuse is over with.  All you do now is look at it and experience it.  It will no longer control you.

Me:  It doesn’t control me.

Spirit:  How often do you fear a person you meet thinking he is “one of them”?

Me:  Not often anymore.

Spirit:  You were scared of Pete and Adam.

Me:  I was because they were so like what I knew.

Spirit:  It controlled you.  How do you feel when Pete is around you?

Me:  I give him hugs.

Spirit:  How do you feel when he is around you?

Me:  I feel very scared and panicky inside of me.  I feel dirty and my hairs on my arms stand up.  I never let anyone know.  I never told anyone and he doesn’t know.

Spirit:  He showed you porn clips and you watched them.

Me:  So he wouldn’t know it bothered me and he would stop so I didn’t have to.

Spirit:  How do you feel around Chuck?

Me:  Not the same way.  I trust Chuck.  Not 100%, but I trust him.

Spirit:  How do you feel around Todd?

Me:  Cautious and suspicious.

Spirit:  So what if you could be comfortable around all people without having a part of you on alert all of the time watching and waiting knowing of the possibilities.

Me:  I am fairly well hidden.  It would be hard to find me.

Spirit:  They are all dead now.  There is no one who can hurt you in your mind, in your soul, in your emotions or in your body.  It is over.  It was over a long, long time ago.  Yet, there is a part of you who continues to live as if it is happening daily.  Don’t you want to give these parts freedom?

Me:  I don’t mind giving them freedom but we don’t have to discuss freedom from what.  Did it really happen or is it my imagination?

Spirit:  Why would you imagine something like this?

Me:  Because I am crazy and sick and disturbed and bad.

Spirit:  Labels.  Labels generated by your mother and me in human form.  Labels we created to keep us safe.  You no longer carry those labels.  They have no purpose.

Me:  Did it happen?

Spirit:  Yes.

Me:  Why?

Spirit:  Power and control.

Me:  Why would you all want that with children?  I don’t understand.

Spirit:  We loved children.  Children were vulnerable, were pure, were available, were easily controlled.

Me:  Did it bother you what they did to me?

Spirit:  It was out of love.  In our world what was perceived as wrong was right.

Me:   I still don’t understand why?

Spirit:  I was powerful and they were powerful.

Me:  So powerful to harm a child?  That is powerful.

Spirit:  It was.

Me:  Were you drunk or sober?

Spirit:  I was rarely sober.

Me:  I remember the smells of you.  I wonder if you would have hurt me if you were sober?

Spirit:  I don’t have an answer for you.

Me:  Maybe alcohol gave you courage and hid your feelings of responsibility.

Spirit:  You are avoiding your pain.

Me:  I don’t feel anything.  Interesting to be so numb.  Actually as I walked away a moment, I started feeling this rage and it is a physical rage and I want to destroy something.  I want to scream out and physically fight.

Spirit:  Rage is a beginning.

Me:  I feel like I need to fight off people.  I’m beginning to see it.

Spirit:  Stay with it.  You are not alone.

Me:  It’s just you guys.  Where are the women?

Spirit:  At another house – woman’s party.

Me:  Why are you left with kids?

Sprit:  So they didn’t have to take them.

Me:  All of you are drinking and playing cards.  Poker?

Spirit:  Yes.

Me:  I see Paul, Bill, Leon, John and I don’t remember the other one.

Spirit:  Yes.

Me:  I smell the smoke and the booze right now I smell it.  I am in my nightgown.  There is laughing deep in the throat.

Spirit:  Yes.  Telling those dirty jokes you hated so much.

Me:  You give us juice and we are tired.

Spirit:  We put alcohol in the juice so you would go to sleep.

Me:  I feel so woozy.

Spirit:  You are remembering.

Me:  Bill puts me to be and his hand goes under my nightgown and he fondles me.

Spirit:  Yes.

Me:  I am so woozy.  He fondles me and himself.

I want to stop this remembering all of it.  I don’t want to go there and I want to close this out and not ever see it again.

Spirit:  Stay with it and you won’t have to visit this memory again.

Me:  What is its value?

Spirit:  Your freedom and that is incredibly valuable.

Me:  I can’t make him stop.  I’m too woozy.  Didn’t you think it odd that he didn’t come back right away.

Spirit:  I laid down on the couch and dozed off.  We stopped playing cards and were watching tv.

Me:  Really?  If I had let a man put my daughter to bed and he was gone too long you can bet your sweet ass I would be in there in a heartbeat.

Spirit:  It happened as it needed to happen.

Me:  I thought I was special to you and you are sharing me with your friends.   That was just the beginning wasn’t it?

Spirit:  Yes.

Me:  I despise you.

Spirit:  You despise me in my human form.

Me:  No, I pretty much despise you in any form.  Did you all decide one day you liked children?  How did it all come about?

Spirit:  Pornography.  We watched movies together.

Me:  I remember the pornography.  I remember the pictures.  We posed for pictures.  You are so disgusting.

Spirit:  Were so disgusting in human form.

Me:  I can’t separate you right now.

I am feeling crazy right now.  A part of me – a child part is feeling crazy.  Love, sex daddy, group of men, guns, wet stuff, pictures, all of it.

Me:  I remember garage, car, office, cold.

Spirit:  It left the house eventually.

I feel so woozy and sick to my tummy.  I can’t move.  It was only the beginning.  I don’t understand what they got out of it.  I am so qoozy and sick.  I can’t move.  The smell of smoke is overwhelming.  My fear of smoke is because of those nights.  It wasn’t fear of the house burning down; it was fear of those men and I always made it about the fear of the house burning down.  Always seemed odd to me because I never been in a fire but feel as if I were.  Struggling to breathe through the heavy smoke.  Their smoke.  Their smells.  Booze, smoke, men.  Yucky.  So yucky.  I feel so scared.  Paralyzed and not moving.  I can’t get past the wooziness.  It is heavy.  Sounds around me.  Can’t pick It out.  So scary.  So scary.

I take care of you.  Don’t worry.  Go to sleep.  I take care of you.

Disconnecting.  Part?  Protector part?  Going to throw up.  Throwing up scary.  Hold it in.  Complete control.  Show nothing.  Show no pain, show nothing.  Gone.  Disconnect.  No one can hurt you if you aren’t there.  Far away into another land to live apart from this until it is over.

Don’t worry.  I take care of you.

Who is this?  So cold and so hot;  Sick.  What is up?  I go away and a part takes over.  I go to spirit world while part takes over.  Part takes care of it all.  Poor part.  Who are you?

I’m Missy.  Missy can handle it.  I take care of it for you.  You go away.  Be safe.  I take care of it for you.

No you don’t have to take care of it.  You have to leave and not be here anymore.  Time to go away.  I am okay.

I take care of you.  You go away.  I take care of them for you.

Are there more of you?  Is there more?

Don’t worry I take care of you.

You don’t have to take care of me.  I am all grown up and you are always a young child.  You can go now if you want.  The abuse is over.

No, it goes on and on all the time.  Not over.

It is over.  They are all dead.  Spirit said so.  Even spirit is dead.  No one to hurt you.  No more abuse.  You can rest now.

No.  Have to stay.  My job.  Very important job.

The abuse is over.

Then I show you.  I show you all but in small pieces.

That is okay.  I can find my way.  You need to rest and not feel abused.  There is this meadow where other parts go because their job is done.  They are now safe in the meadow.  No more pain.  Nor more abuse.  Safe to play and be together.  Amber is there and watches out for all of you.

Some parts gone now.

Yes, they blended a long time ago after the meadow.  They are part of me.  I thought you were gone too and you are here.  Are you back or did you never go?

I stay to protect you.  I stay to be your memory.  When you remember and tell the truth, I go.  Then I know I am not needed anymore.

Are there more of you inside?

Yes.  You still get lost.  They are there.  That is why you get lost.   What do you want to tell me?  I show you pictures.  See them with you.  Sex and playing with themselves.  They get to experience their imagination and do what they want with you.  So you go away and I take over.  I protect you.  You don’t see or hear.  I protect you.

I feel so cold.  Very cold.  Very tired.  I’m going to have to go to sleep.  You can go to the meadow and rest.  It is over.

No not yet.

Ok.   I have to go to sleep.  Maybe tomorrow.  No more abuse.  It is over.  You can sleep.  If you can sleep maybe I can sleep.  I need restful sleep.  I’m so tired.

I stay awake and watch.  You sleep.  No worries.

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This entry was posted in EMDR, Emotional Abuse, Loving Self, Physical Abuse, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Transformation and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Healing from Sexual Abuse – A Transformational Journey – Part 33

  1. lotuslily6 says:

    You are not alone. Please, just know that the nature around you hurts with you and smiles when you smile. Use this space. There is a great community of survivors on here. Be good – take care.

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