Healing from Sexual Abuse – A Transformational Journey – Part 34

I slept on and off all night.  I felt Chuck’s presence with me which is a little weird but trust it is God.  Didn’t feel so alone.

Me:  Missy, you don’t feel do you?

Missy:  No I don’t.  My job is to take it, remember and report it, and to protect you.

Me:  Thank you for your protection.  The abuse is over and you don’t have to protect me anymore.  It is okay to move on.

Missy:  You are afraid of knowing the truth.

Me:  I know the truth.  I don’t want to see it or hear it.

Missy:  It is important for you to see it and hear it.  It is important for all of us who took the pain to protect you.  It is important for you to really know it so you heal and never have to fear again.

Me:  A wise child are you.

Missy:  Yes.  It is also very logical.

Me:  Are you going to share with me your pain.

Missy:  I did some last night.  You didn’t like it very much.

Me:  I don’t like pain.  This is very traumatizing for parts of me.  I really don’t want to experience it again.

Missy:  We all took it for you.  It traumatized all the parts of you.  Now you are experiencing the trauma once and for all and it is finished.  I show you.

Me:  Okay.  Then will you go away to the meadow with the others.

Missy:  Please don’t shut this out.  You are trying so hard to do it.  I protect you.

Me:  I can handle this.

Missy:  We handled it.  You can do it.  You are much stronger now and we are all there with you.  Those who blended before make you stronger.

Me:  Show me what you want to show me.

And then I fell asleep again.  I feel so disconnected and foggy.  I don’t see the value of doing this.  Honestly don’t need to go through this again.

Spirit Dad:  The value is only for you and your finishing the journey strong.  It is for no one else.  You have everything within you to look at it all.  This time is for you.  For  all of you.  This time is for healing and living in joy bringing the mountaintop experience to your daily life.  If you continue to leave parts of your life hidden then the mountaintop experience will not be part of your daily life.  You will continue compartmentalizing your life and you will continue feeling incomplete and unworthy.  All of it needs to be out of the closet and off the shelf.  All.  You are ready for this and you have the courage to do this.

Me:  Don’t want to.  I can’t seem to connect with it.  It is far away.  How do I connect with it?  How do I know what truth is?  These were experiences by other parts of me and I am very disconnected from them.

Spirit Dad:  It is time to connect.

Me:  I don’t even remember them except as shared by the parts.  How do I know it is true?

Spirit Dad:  Because they lived it.  Look at your life.  Look at your fears.  Look at your limitations.  Look at your controls.  Look at the programming.  You are breaking free of the programs, but you don’t know all the programs within you.  That is why you are experiencing anxiety when letting go of the controls.

Me:  Is the doctor dead, too?

Spirit Dad:  Yes.

Me:  Thank God.

Spirit Dad:  Yes.  You don’t need to be concerned about him anymore either.

Me:  I am remembering George and his sex with me.  He had guns.  He put his gun on the night table.  I was scared he would use it on me.  He smelled bad.  His big black policeman belt.  He would have the police look for me.  He is the reason why they all could keep tabs on me always knowing each step I took and who I talked to.

Spirit Dad:  That is right.  Power and control.  No freedom.  Silence enforced.

Me:  I wouldn’t have talked.  I didn’t even remember.

Spirit Dad:  No one could take chances.

Me:  Who would have cared anyway?  No one.  So, I was programmed that if I spoke I would die and other people would die.

Spirit Dad:  That is correct.

Me:  Maybe why I am having some issues talking about this shit?

Spirit Dad:  The programs are no longer in effect.  Everyone is dead.

Me:  The flowers every year on by birthday?  A reminder?

Spirit Dad:  Yes.  A control tactic.  Created anxiety.

Me:  The cabin in the woods.  Is that real?

Spirit Dad:  Yes.

Me:  I don’t want it to be real.

Spirit Dad:  I know.  It is real.

Me:  Why?

Spirit Dad:  A safe place to be for us.

Me:  Not safe for me.

Spirit Dad:  No, not for you.

Me:  Bears?

Spirit Dad:  Costumes.

Me:  For control?

Spirit Dad:  Yes

Me:  Terrifies me even today.  Every time I see a bear it sends fear down my spine.

Spirit Dad:  You can let that go now.  Bears are wonderful gifts from God.

Me:  I thought I would die.  You told me I would die.

Spirit Dad:  For control.

Me:  We went to Yellowstone and the bears came up to the window.  You would tell me they would get me as I laid on the floorboard to hide from them.

Spirit Dad:  Continuation of the fear and control.

Me:  The family laughed at me.

Spirit Dad:  They didn’t know, Mary.  They didn’t know.

Me:  At the zoo, you would tell me you would feed me to the bears.

Spirit Dad:  Yes.

Me:  I believed you.

Spirit Dad:  The programs worked well.

Me:  It was cold out there.

Spirit Dad:  Yes, you were cold.

Me:  Chuck isn’t part of it right?

Spirit Dad:  Right.  You can trust Chuck.  He is safe.  Everyone is dead.  You are safe.  It is all programming.

Me:  Pete?

Spirit Dad:  Not safe but not part of it.

Me:   Paranoia, you know.  Bringing it back.

Spirit Dad:  Not paranoia.  Programming.  You are safe.  Chuck is safe.  Your family is safe.

Me:  Don’t trust that right now.  Fear.  Important to disconnect from everyone.

Spirit Dad:  Replace fear with acceptance.  Replace fear with faith.  I know when you are dealing with this you trust no one.

Me:  That is right.  I feel like there is a part of me on alert like some kind of wild animal.  Watching and waiting and ready to pounce.

Spirit Dad:  You can talk to that part of yourself and let that part know you are safe.

Me:  Who are you?

Part:  Fear.

Me:  Are you known as fear or are you afraid.

Part:  I am NOT afraid.  I watch for threats against you.

Me:  Why?

Part:  To keep you safe.  You don’t know good people and bad people.

Me:  Not true.  That has changed for me.  I now only have good people in my life.

Part:  You are talking to your father.

Me:  He is dead and in spirit.  He is truth and not capable of causing any harm.

Part:  How come you talking to him if he is dead?

Me:  Because we are healing.  Because I want to talk to him about my life and how to move forward.

Part:  I don’t believe you.  He controls you.

Me:  There are still some controls in me.  He can’t control me anymore because he is dead as well as the others are dead.  The mother is dead.

Part:  I didn’t know that.

Me:  I know because you still are part of my childhood lost in the present moment of the past.  It is many years past now.  Almost a lifetime past.  There are so many different things.  I am 57 and this is 2010.  I am no longer a little girl.  I am aware of what happened back then.

Part:  You have little parts of you still needing protection.

Me:  Yes, but the protection comes from me.  The parts can go to the meadow and be safe from the memories.  You can go to the meadow too and be safe and not have to worry and watch so much.  What do you think about that?

Part:  I don’t think so.

Me:  Do you have a name?

Part:  Fred

Me:  Fred, what are you protecting us from?

Fred:  People who hurt you.  People who are part of them.

Me:  How will they hurt me?

Fred:  Make you do bad things.  I am the gatekeeper.

Me:  Oh.  Do you keep everyone away?

Fred:  Yes.

Me:  What about Chuck?  Do you know Chuck.

Fred:  I don’t know Chuck.

Me:  He is my friend.  A safe friend.

Fred:  How do you know he is safe and not one of them?

Me:  I know in my heart.  I feel safe with him.  I feel his love.

Fred:  You loved your father, too.  How do you know if love is safe?

Me:  Chuck doesn’t hurt me intentionally.  He wants the best for me and wants me to heal to be fully me.

Fred:  What would you do if I am not there to keep you safe from people?

Me:  I trust my instincts with people now.  There aren’t a lot of them in my life.  I am very selective.

Fred:  You still get scared.  I know it.  I know when you are afraid and then I watch.

Me:  I do still get scared.  I am letting go of fear though trusting that everything that comes my way is for my own good.

Fred:  That is stupid.

Me:  No.  It is peaceful.

Fred:  You think what he did is for your own good.

Me:  He hurt my body, my soul, my spirit, my emotions in ways that most people will never have to endure.  He tore me apart part of why you are part of my life.  He was wrong from human eyes to do what he did.  Spiritually, I wanted the experience of devastation and brokenness in my life and then to heal and be a light.  I have to believe that it is for my highest good otherwise I might as well be dead.

Fred:  You are weird.

Me:  Maybe,  Thank you for all of your hard work.  Thank you for watching out for us.  We are safe and it is okay for you to relax and go to the meadow and be with others who are waiting to play with you.

Fred:  I don’t want to go.  What will you do without me?

Me:  I am okay and can take care of myself, my soul, my emotions.  You have worked so hard.  You can go and rest and not have to be so scared anymore.  You know if I go back to the way it was, you can always come back out of the meadow and have your old job back.

Fred:  I can?

Me:  Yes.  You won’t need to but you always know you can.  I want you to go to the meadow and rest and play.  Will you let me take you there?

Fred:  You going to continue talking to your dead father?

Me:  I am.  There is more I need to know and to understand.

Fred:  Then I stay.  I won’t let him hurt you again.

Me:  He is in spirit and can’t hurt me.  I promise you.  The truth may be painful and sorrowful, but it won’t kill me.

Fred:  How do you know that?

Me:  I know that truth sets you free.  I know if I die because of the truth, then I am free and that is what is supposed to happen.  Please let me take you to the meadow.

Fred:  I can come back anytime I think you need me?

Me:  Yes.  It isn’t the same as when I was a child.  I am an adult now and can take care of myself.  I promise.  Will you take my hand and let me take you to the meadow?

I am watching Fred.  He is really worried.  He seems confused about the era differences and my being in touch my father who is dead.  He looks at me and I look into his eyes.  I see fear and pain and worry.  So much he has seen.  So much he has protected me from.  I reach out to him.  He looks at me wanting something to know it is okay.  I just stay there not wavering.  He finally reaches out to me.  He decided.  I feel a sense of relief.  I take his hand and experience this deep sense of gratitude and love for him.  I want him to be safe from fear and worry.  We approach the meadow.  He looks at how light it is there.

Fred:  Are you sure you want me here?

Me:  I am sure.  It is time for you to rest.  You’ve worked hard all these years.  We are safe.

I feel him wavering.

Me:  I love you and thank you so much for all that you’ve done.  Let the meadow transform your fear and worry.  Be safe and I will call you if I need to call you.  Let go now and walk in the light.  Look at the others.  They look happy don’t they?

Fred:  They do look happy.  They look peaceful.

Me:  See Amber.  She is waving at you.  She is so excited to see you.  She has waited a long time for you.  Now I am going to let go of your hand and let you go to her.  I love you and thank you.

I gently let go of his hand.  He walks toward Amber recognizing her.  He turns around and looks at me.  There is a worried glance.  I wave at him and he turns and runs to Amber.  I always enjoy taking the parts to the meadow.  They can experience freedom and I can experience more wholeness.

Spirit Dad:  You are very smart and very good.

Me:  No thanks to you.  I appreciate it that you leave the parts alone.  I know I couldn’t finish talking about this with him present.

Spirit Dad:  You will find others.

Me:  I know.  I sense them.

I want to stop and go no farther on this journey.  I am thoroughly disgusted and want to just walk away.  I don’t know if Chuck will stay or leave.  I just have to deal with it and I am very tired.

Spirit Dad:  You have nothing to fear anymore.  It is all finished.  Everyone involved is dead and there is no power over you except that which is programmed and you give power to.  Chuck won’t leave you.  He loves you and is committed to walking this part of your journey with you.  He may not always understand and maybe that isn’t so bad.  That means he hasn’t had to experience what you experience.  He has compassion and strength and love and awareness.

Me:  It is so disgusting.

Spirit Dad:  It is disgusting but you aren’t disgusting.

Me:  I can’t talk about this anymore.

Spirit Dad:  There is nothing more to fear.  We created for you an experience to control you and keep you from talking.

Me:  Damn.  I can’t talk about it.

Spirit Dad:  The parts need to know the truth.  They don’t know and that is why you can’t talk about it.  They are holding onto the secrets.

Me:  Right now it is telling me to stop listening to you and stop doing this process.  I am really angry right now.  Really angry.

Spirit Dad:  Why not?  It is important for you to process.

Me:  Because I don’t understand it.  Because I am confused by it.  Because I am angry.  Because I want it all hidden.

Spirit Dad:  Hidden from yourself?  Hidden from Chuck?  Hidden from me?

Me:  All the above.

God:  Mary, open to the process and allow it to flow through you.  You can walk away from it and let it remain on the shelf in the closet and let it control you the rest of your life.  It will control you and limit you.  Allow Chuck to be part of the process.  Your connection with him is very deep and he is part of the process.  I promise he won’t walk away if you allow him to stay.  He has been very present here with you this weekend.  You know you don’t want him gone.  You know you want him here with you.  You can’t hide it from Spirit or me as we know all of it.  We are all here with you.  Remain in me and I remain in you.

Me:  I am afraid God.  It reminds me of all the fears – the fear of you.  The fear of it all.  Devil vs God and I am in the middle and it is a tug of war.

God:  There is no devil vs. God.  There just isn’t.  Devil was used to create and maintain the fear within.  There is no devil.  Not like you think.  It was programmed in you.  I am love.  Only capable of love.    I am pure and there is no impurity in me.  You are me and part of me and there is no room for impurity within you.  You are pure and innocent and clean.  Abide in me and I abide in you.  Focus on my love for you, on Chuck’s love for you and the other spirits.  Let that sustain you and give you courage.

Me:  I am confused by all the stuff.

God:  It doesn’t make sense because it is senseless and not of love.  There was no love in what was done to you and in you.  The greater love was getting the experience you wanted in this lifetime.  I know it is painful and I know you feel scared.  You will survive and live a wonderful and powerful life if you move through the process.

Me:  Every bit of me wants to run and hide.

God:  Atrocious things were done to you.  You are not alone.  The depth of your pain and your experience is the greatness you will experience on the other side.  Trust the process.  Trust yourself.  Trust Chuck.  Trust me.  We are all with you.  Abide in me.

Me:  Okay.  Do you know what they did to me?

God:  I do.  I was there every bit of the way.

Me:  Are you okay with it?

God:  Do you mean did I like what they did.  No.  It was against who I am – love, peace, joy, harmony.  They removed any part of me from you and filled you with something contrary to it.

Me:  You weren’t part of it then?

God:  No.

Me:  Do I still need to be scared and watch out for it?  You know Mitzi says I do.  She is scared that I don’t pay attention to the clues and will allow them back in.

God:  They are dead.  You have your freedom physically from them.  There is nobody left to find you.  You broke the control a long time ago when you started remembering.  They died one by one – cancer and alcoholism.  They died as they lived.

Me:  I am really free?

God:  Yes physically.  You haven’t found your spiritual or emotional freedom from them.  That is the purpose of this part of your journey.  To find it you must be willing to look at it completely and take your power back from them and clean out the programming and controls.

Me:  How do I do it?

God:  One piece at a time like pulling up all the old weeds last week.  Same concept.  One piece at a time and be gentle with yourself and the rest of the parts.  I am with you.  Chuck stands here with me as well.  You know that.  He has been present with you this weekend.

Me:  I know he has.  How does that happen?  That is a little weird to me.

God:  It doesn’t matter how it happens.  You need him with you and he can be in spirit.  He is a safe place for you and a comfort.

Me:  He pushes me.

God:  Yes he does because he wants your best.  He has the strength and courage to do it regardless how you push back.   Anyone else would allow you to not move through the process.  He knows your ultimate desire of your heart.  He honors that.

Me:  Where do I begin.

God:  Close your eyes.  Do you see all of the souls around you?

Me:  I do see them and I feel them.  Should I be afraid?

God:  No.  No room for fear.  Fear keeps you from achieving your soul’s desire.    Each soul will stand with you through each event as your witness.  They won’t speak but you will be aware of their love.  Chuck will be there as well.  I will help you walk through it.

Me:  Okay.

God:  What do you see right now?

Me:  I see myself paralyzed and not moving.  I see bears around me and I am terrified like I can’t breathe.

God:  What next?

Me:  I am naked and cold and can’t move or anything.

God:  That is right.

Me:  They are saying that you are evil.

God:  There Is no evil in me.  They are wrong.  They want to tell you this to control you so you are afraid.

Me:  Why do they want to do it to me?

God:  Because they are doing everything they can to strip you of every ounce of worthiness, value, beauty, peace.

Me:  My dad already did that.

God:  He was preparation for the bigger part.

Me:  I am woozy and dizzy and it is dark.  I am shivering.  I feel embarrassed being naked.  I want to curl up and hide but paralyzed.

God:  You were given drugs from one of the doctors.  It sedates you and you can’t move very easily.

Me:  I am screaming in the inside but it doesn’t reach the outside.

God:  You have a part in you to keep you silent.  By keeping you silent the part believes it is saving your life.  This is very frightening for a child – for anybody.

Me:  I feel very frightened.  Can’t fight back.

God:  You weren’t supposed to fight back.

Me:  I have to go away.  I can’t see.

God:  You need to stay present.  They can’t hurt you anymore.  You are safe.

Me:  they did hurt me.  Hurt me bad.

God:  Who is present now with Mary?

Rosie is present.

God:  Rosie – my little cherub.  Mary, Rosie is a part of yourself.  Are you present?

Me:  Yes.

God:  Rosie, can you tell Mary about your experience.

Rosie:  They gave me something to drink and it makes me feel awful.  They are telling me there is no God and god isn’t here.  No one around to save me or help.  I only have them and they have the power.  They have guns and knives.  A knife is put to my throat and I am told to be quiet.  I keep quiet.  I don’t say anything.  I don’t even cry.  I try not to breathe.  I don’t know why they do this.  Was I bad?  Did I do something bad?  I try to be good.  I try hard to be good.  I must be very bad.

God:  You’ve done nothing wrong Miss Rosie.  It is them.  They are all dead now and can’t hurt you.  It is way past the time this happened.  Mary is all grown up now.  She isn’t little anymore.  If you stay present in Mary’s life you will relive this moment over and over and over.  You can choose to release to Mary and she will help you find your freedom.

Mary:  Rosie, I am sorry you went through this.  Thank you for taking care of me that way so I don’t remember.  I feel you now.  I feel your fear and your shame.  I take them from you because you have lived a long time with them.  Release them to me and let me carry it.  I would like you to go to the meadow with Amber.  Did you know Fred?  Good.  He is there, too.  Can you release it to me?

Rosie:  I am scared to let go of it?

Mary:  Because it is your job?

Rosie:  Yes.  What if you can’t handle it?  What if something bad happens to you?

Me:  I can handle it.  I might feel bad for a while.  I might feel sorrowful.  What I feel right now is angry to them for your experience.  I want to take you to the meadow and be free and then let me deal with it.   God is with me.  A spirit is with me.  Chuck is with me.  Chuck is my friend and he is here to help me.  I am safe and I am okay.

Rosie:  Is it really over?

Mary:  oh yes, Rosie.  It is over.  Will you come with me to the meadow to be with Amber?

Roside:  Okay.  Is it scary there?

Me:  No.  It is beautiful there.  There is light and joy and peace.  It is a place to be who you are and to heal and be at peace.  It is a very good place.  Are you ready?

Roside:  Okay.

Mary:  tell me what you see?

Rosie:  I see a beautiful garden.  There is light everywhere and it is warm.  I get to be warm.  I see others and they are happy.  They are safe.  Can I be found here?

Mary:  No.  It is the safest place ever.  Completely safe.  Are you ready to go?

Rosie:  Yes.

The spirit who was witness takes her by the hand and leads her into the meadow and stands with her.  She isn’t alone.

God:  How are you?

Me:  I feel so sad for her.  I feel the fear she experienced.  I know there is more to find but I am so very tired.

God:  Go rest.  We will be here.

Me:  I am aware of the smell of stench.

God:  Open to my fragrance.

Me:  The beautiful sweet aroma.  Thank you.

God:  Rest well.

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