I don’t want to do this anymore. I declare healing within me in Jesus’ name. It is finished!
God: Funny. Healing comes from doing the work within. There is no escaping it for you. It is a gift, Mary. Can you accept the gift?
Me: Doesn’t feel like a gift right now. It feels painful and I am avoiding the process. I feel confused and disoriented. Do you really think I want to feel that way? A little crazy. I want to feel good. I want to be happy and enjoy this beautiful day without processing.
God: You can choose that if you want, but it is only a moment just as this is a moment in time. There is plenty of time to really enjoy your wonderful life once you finish cleaning within you. Remember when you are working with people and you want their healing more than you do? That is how we are. We want you to want your healing more than we do.
Me: I do want it more than anything. I just don’t want to go through the process. I want a miracle.
God: The miracle is in the process. You are amazing. You still live in boxes that you create definitions for such as who I am. You don’t see me completely and fully because you define me the way that was created for you. What if you didn’t have that definition?
Me: I need you to be all powerful, all knowing, omnipotent, a judge. I need to know there is right and wrong. I need to know you are a defender of children and the helpless. I need you to be God whose son died on the cross for our eternal life. That is what I want from you. The presence of the souls and Chuck’s presence here when he is alive and well elsewhere is just a little disconcerting today.
God: It is real. As you heal, you will embrace your gifts and your experiences. What you are dealing with now is triggering some old stuff in you.
Me: Yes. I feel I need to bind Satan away from me in Jesus’ name and to claim the blood of Jesus as my protection.
God: You need to abide in my love and let my love abide in you. There is no binding. As you bind so you will be bound. Everything that has happened is for your growth. These are all your lessons and the gifts are amazing. Be open to the truth regardless of what it is and accept the truth.
Me: It feels bizarre to me.
God: It is painful. It is sorrowful. It is taking power and control to the extreme. It is extreme abuse. It isn’t bizarre. It happened and it is affecting you even if you don’t want to accept it, even if you judge it, or you avoid it.
Me: Yes. Off and on. Made a decision not to process it because I felt confused.
God: Didn’t fit into that nice, tidy little box?
Me: Because I felt confused.
God: You ready to move forward.
Me: I guess.
God: Are there any parts of you that need to be taken to the meadow.
Me: I don’t know. I feel them.
God: I know you do. Who are they.
Me: Ricky. Ricky is the one who want to protect the other kids there and can’t. He has this overwhelming feeling of guilt and responsibility. I want to quit now. I don’t want to do this anymore. Please can I stop.
God: They did it for you. You are getting their pain, shame, guilt. If you stop, they stay in it living it over and over and over. Do you want that for them or do you want them in the safety of the meadow?
Me: It is so cold. The pain is too much.
God: It is a lot which is why the parts took care of it.
Me: Ricky looks petrified. Kind of frozen. He is living this over and over and over. Ricky, it is over. I am not a child anymore. I am grown up and it is in the past.
Ricky stares at me. His whole face is terrified as he lives in that moment.
Me: Ricky. I am feeling your pain and your fear. Because I am feeling it you can let go of it.
Ricky: No. No.
Me: Yes Ricky. It is over. Thank you for protecting me that way. Thank you for taking all of that.
Ricky: I tried to help the other kid but they held me back and gave me a shot.
Me: I know. You were awesome to want to help. You were just a little boy.
Ricky: I am not little. I am big.
Me: Even big boys have a hard time against grown ups.
Me: Ricky, will you release your memory to me and let me take care of it. I love you and want you be safe in the meadow with the others. There you can heal and play and be safe.
Ricky: I have to stay in case they come back.
Me: It is over Ricky. They are all dead – all of them. No more abuse. No more pain. It is done. I can handle the memory and will honor the memory and you. I want you to feel safe and be safe. If you will go to the meadow it will be okay. Do you remember Amber?
Me: Amber is there and is waiting for you to care for you.
Ricky: Amber is there? I want to see Amber.
Me: there are others. Rosie and Fred and a few more.
Ricky: Will you be okay?
Me: Yes. I feel the pain and the ugliness of it, but I am okay. I am grown up now and strong enough to handle it. There are lots of spirit people and God who stand with me. Are you ready to go to the meadow?
Ricky: yes. How?
Me: take my hand. Let me know when you see it.
Ricky: That is beautiful. It is light everywhere and kids everywhere. I see Amber.
Me: Then let this spirit friend of mind take you to see Amber. Be free and I honor your memory.
I watch as Ricky gingerly walks into the meadow. I see Amber recognizing him and walks and takes his hand. He looks unsure but the terror is gone from his face. The terror is in my heart