Healing from Sexual Abuse – A Transformational Journey – Part 37

It was a long night as I process through everything.  I am exhausted and not sure that I am really that strong.  Felt so alone and so disconnected.  Chuck called this morning and that helped.  He thinks I am really strong.  If he knew the truth of how weak I am!!!  It has been a long day.  Focus is borderline at best.  I’ve been nauseated and in physical pain all day.  I want to pretend none of this exists.

God:  You are doing great.  You are so tenacious like your father said.  No matter what comes up in your way, you push through it and looking at it honestly and openly.  Nothing stops you.  You are courageous.  You may feel reluctant and fearful yet you continue.  Your desire for truth, for healing, for holiness is greater than anything you have experienced in your life.

Me:  I feel weak and wimpy.  I feel like I am going to throw up.  There is such pain inside of me.

God:  You have a lot to get out of you.  You may need to throw up.

Me:  I can’t do that.  I will feel like I am dying.

God:  Cleansing.

Me:  Death.

God:  Life.

Me:  Why do you ask this of me?

God:  Because you ask it of yourself.

Me:  I was content not dealing with this.  It was perfect.

God:  You weren’t content.  You were having memories and feelings and it is interfering with your life.  You won’t be content until it is out of you.  Then and only then will you find the peace and the joy and the life you want.

Me:  I don’t know whether to share this with Chuck or not.  Part of me wants to because he has been so close to me and to the process.  Another part doesn’t want anyone to know – to keep it hidden – away from contaminating anyone else.  There is no value in other people knowing the details.  I know the value is for me to get it out.  I get that and I know it.  Past that, no value.

God:  Chuck is integral to the process.  We all have told you that from day one and you resist.  He is your spiritual partner and you know how connected you two are.  You know that truth.  Sharing with him is natural.   Share with him.  Trust him.  He isn’t like the others.  He is different with you and you are different with him.  Let him witness this for you.  No meds.  No doctors.  This is you and he is walking beside you.

Me:  I know he says he won’t leave me.  He could and I don’t want that to happen.

God:  You would rather have part of you hidden from him and feel safe then to be completely transparent with him?  Isn’t that how you have lived your entire life?  Do you think his being part of your life is happenstance?

Me:  I just want to feel safe.  I think his being part of my life is part of a bigger picture but I don’t see the picture.

God:  Mary, let go.  Let it be.  You are as safe with him as you are with yourself.  Maybe safer in some ways because he doesn’t beat you up like you beat yourself up.  Mary, do you or do you not feel him with you right now?

Mary:  He is here and that I am confident in.  Don’t know how that works.  Grateful for it.

God:  Share and don’t think twice about it.  He is a safe place for you.  Don’t define your relationship with him based on your past relationships.

Me:  I am anxious about it.  I am anxious about everything.  Somehow I can contain it if it doesn’t get read by someone else.  When I share, it is out of my control and I know I am supposed to release control.

God:  Be anxious for nothing dear Mary.  You are close to your heart’s desire.  Just a few more steps.  As Chuck calls them – tentacles.

God:  Will you choose to continue your journey even though you don’t feel ready?

Me:  Yes.  My stomach hurts.  My heart is racing.  The insides of me are shaking and I feel like I am going to have a seizure.

God:  That is a lot of emotion and truth needing to be expressed.  That is a lot of energy you are holding onto.

God:  Where are you?

Me:  I am blindfolded and everything is dark.  There is silence all around me.  I am straining to hear something anything.  The silence is terrifying and I don’t know what is happening.  I feel so sick to my stomach and the pain is horrendous.  I smell something burning and it is foul.    I feel so afraid.

God:  Can you identify the part that is present?

Me:  Leroy or Lorraine.  It isn’t coming through.

God:  Relax and don’t force it.

Mary:  She is tied down and fighting like an animal.

God:  What is she fighting against?

Me:  Being tied down.  The fear is  unimaginable.  She doesn’t know what is going on and the blindfold is keeping her from seeing.  If she can’t see she doesn’t know what is coming and can’t prepare for it.  It increases her fear.

God:  Go sit with her and feel what she is feeling and get to know this part.

Me:  Sonia.  Sonia is this part.

God:  Yes it is.  This is going to be hard for Sonia and hard for you.  Know that Sonia lives this over and over and her freedom is living with it one more time and then you set her free.

God:  You are silent.  What are you feeling?

Me:  Sick.

God:  You have to say it out loud.

Me:  She is fighting them, but her hands and legs aren’t free.

God:  It is okay.

Me:  She is such a fighter but no matter how hard she fights, they win.

God:  How are you?

Me:  I feel disgusted.  Pissed off.  She is crying now.  I feel her shame and despondency and helplessness.  She just lies there now and doesn’t fight anymore.  She lost.

I go over to her and remove the blindfold and the ropes.  I take her body and hold her in my arms.  She is listless.  I rock her ever so gently and stroke her hair.  I am crying and my tears are falling on her face.  I feel her pain and her sorrow.  I feel it all.  These parts have lived through so much.

Me:  Sonia, it is over now.  You will never have to do that again.  You are safe in my arms and it is over.  It is finished.  It is my turn now to carry the memory and to honor the memory.  Thank you for carrying that memory for me.  You did an awesome job.  It is my turn now.

There is nothing from her in return.  Silence.

Me:  Sonia.  These tears are for you and what you endured for a lifetime.  I am freeing you tonight.  No more abuse.  No more pain.  Tonight you get to go to the meadow into the light and be safe forever more.  I love you Sonia.

Sonia:  I fighted them.  I did, but not hard enough.  I am tough but it didn’t matter.  Now I am just like them.  I am no different.

Me:  Sonia.  You aren’t like them.  You were a victim and you were forced.  You never would choose that.  Sonia, you were a little girl and them grown men.  No matter how hard you fought them, you couldn’t win.  You are safe now.

Sonia:  I am disgusting.  I hate me.

Me:  You are beautiful.  You are strong.  You are worthy.  You are so brave.  Thank you for all that you did and for protecting me from the memory and the experience.  I am grown up now and it is 2010 and I can handle this now and take care of you.  I will take on the pain and the sorrow and the repulsion and the shame.  I carry the memory now because I am strong enough to carry it.  I love you.  I want to take you to the meadow so you can live freely and heal.  Amber is there along with other parts.  You will be safe there, I promise.  Nothing bad happens there and nothing bad can go there.  I don’t let it.  The abuse is over.  God is here and other spirits and Chuck.  Chuck is my friend.

Sonia:  If I go, who will protect you?

Me:  Me.  I can do it now.  I am older and stronger.  I feel it intensely.  Will you go to the meadow with me?  I will carry you there.

Sonia:  I am scared.

Me:  I understand your fear.  How could you be nothing more than fearful?  Today, when you get to the meadow you will no longer feel fearful.  You are safe.

I carry Sonia as I walk her out of the woods towards the meadow.  There is so little strength in her left.  She has been fighting for so long.  A spirit friend is here with me.

Me:  Sonia this is the meadow.  Look and see the light.  See Amber and the other parts.  It is safe here and you are safe here forever.

Sonia looks and her eyes blink because it is so bright.  She has been blindfolded and seen only darkness.

Me:  Sonia, this spirit guide is going to carry you into the meadow and stay with you.  Amber is there too.  Will you go?

Sonia.  Will you be okay?

Me:  I will be okay.  I will feel this and experience this and hurt and I am okay.

The spirit guide reaches out and gently cradles her in his arms.  He carries her into the light shielding her eyes.  I know there is a lot of healing for her there.  I wish I could stay there as well.  I know there is much more to do.

God:  How are you Mary?

Me:  I am mad and I am sick and pissed off.

God:  You are taking on all the memories and the feelings and experiences of these parts.  Are you okay?

Me:  I feel overwhelmed with all of it.  I feel repulsed and sickened and shameful and guilty.  I feel so full of hatred towards them and towards myself.

God:  You are taking the memories and the feelings back.  It feels overwhelming.  You are strong and competent and worthy.  You are loved and are crystal.  You are worth more than the whole universe.  You’ve done nothing wrong.

Me:  Did this really happen?  It is abhorrent.

God:  It is abhorrent.

Me:  I want to cut it out of me.

God:  No more cutting.  Nor more harm to yourself.  It is over.  The abuse is over.  These are only memories and the memories are for you to see to find your way to freedom.  It is over and you are safe and it is 2010.  No more cutting.  You are safe.

Me:  I don’t feel safe.  I feel scared and alone and horrified and sad and despondent and shamed and guilty

God:  All those are what your parts have been feeling all your life.  It is going to take your moving through them to transform them.

Me:  You say it as if it is so easy.  You are God.  How do you know what it feels like?

God:  I lived it with you.  I know.  I know the whole truth and the whole picture and you are on the way there.  It is important for you to get the memories so we can finish the journey.

Me:  There is more?

God:  Yes.  You already know a question you seek an answer to based on a writing you found.  It isn’t time yet.  How are you feeling?

Me:  Like I want to cut off my hands.  Like they are disgusting and dirty and need to be punished.  I am tired and feeling kind of hopeless.

God:  They are the feelings of your parts.  There is more, but it is important at this time to tell you some truth that you don’t know.  It was important for you not to know it until now.

Me:  Why would they do that?

God:  Power and control.  You participated and they could control you.

Me:  I bet they laughed over that one!

God:  It doesn’t matter.  There are parts of you who believed it and lived as if it were true.  It is no different than if it were true.  You needed to deal with them as if it were true.  The difference now is that you have additional information and have to move through it knowing they manipulated you.

Me:  How cruel.  How am I supposed to deal with it?

God:  You move through it.  The feelings and emotions and physical sensations are all real.  That is all your parts remember.

Me:  Why didn’t you tell me earlier?

God:  Because you needed to rescue them and you needed to allow them to process their truth.  Knowing this now doesn’t change the experience but gives you additional information to move through it.

Me:  I experience guilt.

God:  The guilt is real.  You have to view it and heal.

Me:  Don’t you think that all this is cruel.  How could you?  You lied to me and you betrayed me.

God:  No lies.  The experiences are real and have had a stronghold in your life.  You need to know the truth.

Me:  So it makes it okay now.

God:  No.  Not in a long shot.

Me:  I am torn here.

God:  You were brainwashed.  Mind control.

Me:  Why?

God:  Power and control.  You wouldn’t talk if you participated.  From a spiritual perspective, to create the incarnate experience you wanted.

Me:  What do I do now?

God:  Heal.  The experience is real.  The “club” is real.

Me:  How do I know what is real and what is not?

God:  It is real.  You are trying to use your head and fit this into one of your boxes to place on the shelf.  See it through your heart.  Do you want to invalidate your parts experience?  Do you want them to live it over and over again.  Do you really want to just put it away?

Me:  Yeah I do.  This is crazy making.

God:  That is right.  Crazy making.  No one would ever believe anything you would say because it was crazy making.   Programming.

Me:  How do I know this isn’t part of the programming?

God:  There is no reason for me to hurt you or control you.  Have you been forced to do anything during your journey?  Have you always been given free choice?

Me:  Yes.

God:  Does knowing this change how you reacted in your lifetime?

Mary:  No.  What is the purpose now to know this?

God:  Part of the process.  Part of the whole truth.  Your hands hurt and you want to cut them off because you believe they did something bad.  That is real and they need to heal.  You want to throw up and that is real because you have to get it out of you.  You have to heal yourself and then deprogram yourself and sometimes it is simultaneous.

Me:  How?

God:  Like you always do.

Me:  I can’t share this with Chuck.  It is awful stuff and not this.  I am feeling shame.

God:  You’ve done nothing to be shameful of.  You didn’t create it for yourself.  They created the experience for you.

Me:  I have a massive headache.  Far more than I can take right now.  I feel like I should die.

God:  Those are the parts memories.  They felt they should die because they did something bad and horrible and that they were just like them.  They weren’t.  They were victims.

Me:  No

God:  It was a real experience.  Allow that to be for yourself and don’t judge it or me or yourself.  There is a reason I told you now and it is for further processing, but not tonight.  You’ve done enough and you need to rest.

Me:  I don’t feel like I can rest.  I keep getting the pictures in my mind.  Really – can I die now?

God:  Not yet time.  Avoidance.  You can move through this.  You are not alone.

Me:  I want to talk to my father.  I want to know why he did this.  Why did I have to do this?

God:  You know the answer to the question.

Me:  Did I ask for this specific experience?

God:  It happened the way it should to give you the experience of brokenness and you got the experience.

Me:  Fuck this shit.

God:  Knowing the truth doesn’t change your experiences.  The time is now for gentleness with yourself.  For kindness.  It isn’t for ramming your car into a brick wall or driving off a cliff or cutting yourself.  Turn those thoughts and feelings into love for yourself.  This is what you are made of.

Me:  I can’t God.  I can’t.  I don’t know how to deal with all of this and I am so confused and sick and disgusted and exhausted.

How can I let Chuck read this shit.  I don’t know what he is thinking.  Fuck man.  I hate this and I hate me.

God:  Hate what happened to you, but love yourself.  The experience was created for you and not by you.  The illusion was created for you and not by you.  You did nothing wrong.

Me:  I feel wrong.

God:  You did all those things because your life depended on it

Me:  So why did you not tell me at the beginning?

God:  So you would know the experiences of your parts and rescue them to bring to the safety of the meadow.

Me:  I don’t get it.  I so don’t get it.

God:  Power, control, manipulation.  This is an extreme example of how all that can go awry and how victims of its abuse feel and experience life.  It is why you struggle so hard against power, control and manipulation.  Just more lessons for you.  Don’t analyze it because you will never rationalize it.  You can try to put it away, but what box does it go in?  What happens when it raises its head again?  You need a bigger box.  Allow for the whole truth.  For all practical purposes, you did all those things.  You need to heal from it.  What is going on in your heart?

Me:  Sorrow.  Deep sorrow.  Feelings of distrust and mistrust.  Feelings of disgust.  Wondering how I am going to climb out of this.

God:  You move through it.  You can do it.  You need to rest.  Send this to Chuck and rest.

Me:  I don’t know if I can send it to Chuck.

God:  You can.  Let go of the control.  Share it with him.  Share everything with him.  All of it even the more to come.  He honors it.

Me:  What about betrayal?

God:  You can’t control him.  You can’t control what he does.  He loves you and honors you and will not betray you.

Me:  I have to sleep.  I have a headache.

God:  I know.  Inside of you is trying to dissociate.  You don’t need to do that.  Remain in me and me in you.  Chuck is here.  You are safe.  They are all dead.  No one can hurt you.  It is over.  All of it.  There are some more memories.  You can do it.  Rest now.

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