It has been a while since posting. A lot is going on with many changes. Good ones. I wanted to continue sharing the healing journey from 2010.
Woke up this morning feeling very depressed. Just want to stay in bed. I feel so overwhelmed. The sorrow is deep. The depth of sorrow is setting in. Sharing it with Chuck was so hard for me. The first time in my life I feel like I am not carrying this all alone. He is walking with me and that allows the sorrow to come in and with it vulnerability and surrender. I feel the load a little lighter. Unexpected. Getting it out is a good thing but the process is horrible.
I feel overwhelmed with emotions, physical sensations, spiritual sensations. But, I feel lighter today somehow. Not sure why that is. The sorrow is deep and I am exhausted.
God: It is good you are feeling sorrow. Do you remember a few days ago you were feeling numb and disconnected? Sorrow is good. It means you are connecting and moving through the experiences.
Me: You know. When my foot was crushed it felt numb. I was grateful for the numbness so I wasn’t in constant pain. I knew, however, as long as I didn’t feel the foot was not healing and maybe even getting worse. I guess it is the same with the process. I was grateful for the numbness I felt and I knew something was wrong because I wasn’t feeling. So, yes, the feelings hurt but I know I am healing and getting better. It took pain for the foot to heal and strengthen. It takes pain for my soul to heal and strengthen. I am just so tired and hurting.
God: You’ve taken major steps and are transforming. It isn’t always easy. Fire burns when it transforms. You’ve shared with a close friend and he is still present.
Me: That was so hard. This all sounds crazy making to me and thought he would receive it that way. I am not accustomed to being accepted. I always seem a bit different to people – off in a way and not really fit in anywhere. With Chuck I experience acceptance and it feels good and it feels scary like an expectation that in the next moment he will tire of this – of me and just walk away without even looking back at me. I feel for the first time someone is actually walking with me helping me carry my load – not taking it from me or fixing it but just helping with support in a myriad of ways.
God: Yes. It is part of your experience of healing learning to share it with a good friend who walks beside you. He isn’t leaving but you have to figure that out and time will tell.
Me: I feel a softness inside of me – a gentleness that is more predominant than anger or fighting or defensive maneuvers.
God: Vulnerability. You released some important parts to the meadow. You took on their memories and feelings and they have gone to the meadow. That energy in trying to hide and to contain and to manage so no one finds out about your inner world or bad experiences is gone. Their reliving the moments of abuse are gone. So is the need to control. There is more to go. It is important for you to experience this right now.
Me: Vulnerable. I feel very vulnerable. Not unsafe. Tired and exhausted. Sorrowful. Is my father around:
God: Yes. Not time for the two of you to speak right now. There is more to go and we don’t want you distracted by anger and hatred towards him. This is your time.
Me: I don’t want to talk to him right now, but I do want to talk to him. There is anger but anger doesn’t serve me at this very moment.
God: That is right. Are you ready.
Me: Yes and no. This is big to me but you sharing with me about the illusions they created hopefully will make it easier to explore.
God: It is why I told you. You would not have been able to handle the next part otherwise. It was too great for you.
Me: So I found this writing the other day – maybe a couple of weeks ago. I have been wanting to know the truth because what was written by this part of me is contrary to what I think I remember and now don’t know the truth. Do I discount her experience or my experience.
God: Remember for the part is very real for her and she has suffered for this for all your life. What she believes to have happened was an illusion created by the father for protection of himself and the others and really for you as well. So, in dealing with this part even though you know it is an illusion, her pain and anguish is very real. As hard as this is for you tonight, you have the opportunity to help heal this part. She needs to know the truth as the pain and anguish are very great – greater than a lot of the others. Then we will deal with your perception of truth.
God: Remember you are not alone in this experience. Even though you know the truth going in you will experience all that she experiences and the fear and sorrow are great. There are many in spirit all around you sending their love and light energy.
Me: I don’t know if I want Chuck here.
Me: I don’t know.
God: Shutting him out and controlling. This time you need to let go of control and allow Chuck to be part of the process.
God: Go and find this part and tell me who she is.
Me: I see her. She is curled up in a fetal position in the corner of a very dark room chained like an animal. She is covered in despair and hopelessness.
God: That is right. What is her name?
God. Ok. Is Sam crying?
Me: No she is way past crying. She is reliving her memory every moment.
God: Can you go into her memory.
Me: I really don’t want to even though I know the truth, it is so dark and painful.
God: Sam needs you to go into the memory and help her break free.
Me: Oh man
I walk into the dark room. It is the darkest room that I have ever seen. I sit next to her. Just sit there. I know what is coming and I am reluctant to see it.
God: What is happening:
Me: Sam is drugged. She is giving birth to a baby. She can’t move or scream. She is tied to the table or wherever it is. The pain is excruciating. This is the pain I’ve been feeling for a few days now.
God: She is giving birth but she doesn’t want to and she isn’t really sure of what is happening.
Me: She is scared. The drugs work but not in all of it. Her legs are pulled apart and tied to the side. She hurts. The baby is coming. She doesn’t want the baby to come. She fights so it won’t come but babies come in their own time knowing their own way. Everything is drugged and she is in a haze and not knowing what is going on. I feel so woozy and drugged. I feel scared but can’t connect to it.
God: Yes the baby is being born. Remember Mary, this her memory. Hold on to the truth you know.
Me: The baby is born and they take her away. Sam is watching, hey take the baby and clean it up. Sam is waiting for the baby to come. She is in such a fog and lost and can’t seem to see past the distortions. The drugs are stronger now. She is trying to understand. She sees her baby but can’t connect to the baby. Everything is disjointed and it is like she is hallucinating. The baby isn’t crying The father comes in the room and she wants to know where her baby is. She is such a child herself but feels so grown up. The father tells her that the baby is dead and Sam totally losses it. NO No No No Not my baby. Not my baby. There is terror. Will she die too? Bring me my baby she is screaming. He tells her again the baby is dead. She is ripped apart knowing that it is her fault. It was her fault. Her pain is great. Her guilt is greater. Her knowledge her baby is dead is horrible for her and she just collapses. She is bound to the memory. She is bound to the despair and hopelessness. Her pain is so intense.
I am crying as I feel it to the very core of my center. I feel the ripping away of life and the helplessness and hopelessness and the drugs and not being able to fight back.
Bring me my baby”. The loss and the sorrow. I emptiness. The fear. The pain. The sobbing. The despair.
God: Mary, remember the truth. Hold on to what you know what I told you. She needs you. Experience her feelings but remember what you know.
Me: Sam. Sam it is big Mary. I am here to help you.
Sam says nothing. It is like she doesn’t hear me.
Me: Sam: It is over now. I see what you see. I feel what you feel. I hear what you hear and I know what you know. All of it. It is sad and painful and horrible.
I lay my hand on her shoulder and stroke her hair. She needs so much compassion and tenderness.
Me: Sam you are so little. The baby is gone. You are so little and couldn’t take care of a baby.
Sam: I know I couldn’t take care of a baby.
Me: You couldn’t hide. You didn’t understand what is going on with your body. You were living kind of in denial. So much a child yourself.
Sam. I have nothing left to live for. I should be dead and all would be better off. I should have died. It should have been me. I was nothing – a nobody. A baby is clean and pure. I was dirty and bad.
Me: Sam. You were supposed to live to hold onto the memory. You are somebody wonderful – clean and pure. Because he defiled you along with others doesn’t change your innocence or your purity. They robbed you of all that. They didn’t keep it. Sam, it is over. All the abuse is over. They are all dead.
Sam: I should be dead too. I should have died. I am no better than they are.
Me: I am glad you lived. You are so much better than they are
Sam: I saw it.
Me: No, it never happened.
Sam: Then where is the baby.
Me: I don’t have those answers. It is important for you to know that so you can choose to break the chains that bind you to that memory. You lived it a long time.
Sam: They lied to me.
Me: Yes in so many ways they lied simply to control you and exercise power over you and manipulate you. I am here to set you free and to bring you to healing so you don’t have to live through this over and over and over. It is finished. This is 2010 and the abuse is over.
Sam: Where is my baby.
Me: I don’t know.
Sam: Is she alive.
Me: I don’t know. If she is she is very much a grown up probably 44 or 45 years old. Time has kept going and you are bound to the day you gave birth. Do you want your freedom to heal? There is this amazing meadow full of light and flowers. It is beautiful there and peaceful and safe. Amber is there. There are other young parts as well. You could go there and heal and then help care for the younger parts. Love them the way you want to love your daughter. They are free and you could be free if you want to be free. You have to be willing to leave the chains behind and open to transformation.
Sam: Is my daughter in the meadow?
Me: No Sam. There are other parts of me in the meadow. You are part of me. I am the grown up Mary. There has been much suffering and it is time to heal. Can I take the chains off of you?
Sam. Yes I am ready.
I remove the chains that encase her whole body. I gently massage her hands and her feet healing the physical constraints.
Me: Sam, you are free from the chains. Are you ready to go with me to the meadow. I will help you. You don’t have to do it alone.
Sam: It is over?
Me: It is over. Thank you so much for helping me by holding on to the memory. I couldn’t have done it without you. I am the keeper of the memory – of the truth. I honor it and treasure it. I am deeply grateful for your help throughout my lifetime. Sam, I love you. Are you ready to see the meadow?
Sam: I am ready.
I watch as her eyes slowly open and she sees light for the first time. The light is brilliant and warm and beckoning. Once again I long to go there myself, but it isn’t time. I have others to rescue.
Sam: It is so beautiful. Look at all the younger children. I see amber. I can work here too.
Me: Yes there is lots for you to do. Rest now and heal. Let the light and the warmth reach deep inside of your heart and fill you with love and joy. Thank you Sam.
Sam walks off into the meadow. I am happy for her.
God: Mary, that was good. That was huge.
Me: It was dark and thee was so much despair. She needs the light so much. So critical.
God: How are you feeling?
Me: I felt all of it and could feel the despair. Despair is powerful and such a controller. Never can move forward if there is despair.
God: Just a bit more Mary. The truths will come to you and you will experience total and complete freedom and you can’t begin to imagine the beauty of your life.
Me: I can’t imagine and you are right. I am so tired and my heart is breaking for what she went through. God, is my baby dead?
God: It isn’t for this moment’s processing. In time we will discuss it. Now is time to set your parts free and release them to the light. You don’t need the distraction right now.
Me: I am so tired I won’t even fight you. I don’t want to fight you.
God: This is good work. Rest now and know you are safe and you are loved.